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Lake Search - May2 (currently 364 views) |
Don |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 10:26am |
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AdministratorAdministrator So, what are you writing?
LocationVirginia Posts16448 Posts Per Day 1.94 |
Lake Search by Greg Lake - Two men search for their colleagues who went missing. Location: Body of water. Object: Item of advanced or electronic technology. Short, Thriller |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
LC - May 17th, 2021, 9:23pm | | |
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Pleb |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 1:06pm |
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LocationUK Posts444 Posts Per Day 0.15 |
Good job for choosing thriller over sci fi, as I've got a feeling most others are choosing the latter.
Wasn't that keen on this one though I'm afraid. The dialogue quickly felt repetitive as well as very on the nose, but perhaps worst of all narratively it just left me feeling meh unfortunately.
Good luck |
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Warren |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:48pm |
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Of The Ancients A man who has taught his mind to misbehave
LocationSydney, Australia Posts3897 Posts Per Day 1.35 |
Hi writer, I always think character ages help with context, sure you could say they could be whatever age, and yes the directer could chose to cast them as whatever age, but if you give them an age straight off the bat then you give us a visual we don't have to think about and the story flows better, IMO. The dialogue is full of exposition and quite OTN.
Quoted Text A man brings down a pair of binoculars from his eyes. A primitive cylindrical submarine is on the ground next to him. This is ADAM. |
I see a few writers doing this now... "this is Adam", it's so clunky, why not just introduce him as Adam straight up? Not sure how low budget a submarine is. I'm left scratching my head a bit at the end of this, not quite sure I got it. The writing needs some work as well. All the best. |
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spesh2k |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:00pm |
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January Project Group
LocationHarlem USA Posts1186 Posts Per Day 0.20 |
Too much exposition in the dialogue... the characters speaking would know all this information. So them saying it out loud at this point doesn't make sense. The writing was fine, but the story fell flat for me. No emotional or visceral impact. It was a good effort, though. |
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JEStaats |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:44pm |
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Old Timer No sh*t, there I was....
LocationTucson, AZ Posts1736 Posts Per Day 0.61 |
I'm not sure what the point was. What were the samples? Why only shoot one guy in the boat? It was so full of exposition but it didn't tell me the right information for this to make sense to me.
Sorry - Please explain after the writer reveal.
Rod To what end?
Exactly. |
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irish eyes |
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 9:02pm |
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January Project Group There`s too much blood in my alcohol
LocationUpstate New York Posts1865 Posts Per Day 0.36 |
The way I read your description I thought the submarine was named Adam Was left pretty confused at the end Say goodbye to your successful life, Pete Then he shoots George ??? Overall I don't know what they were after or did I even care for any character . Good job on entering |
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MarkRenshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:14am |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts2335 Posts Per Day 0.58 |
Not low budget and the dialogue read quite unnatural. Wasn't really sure what was going on, maybe this was rushed? Good job on getting an entry in, I hope the feedback helps with the next draft. |
| For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK |
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Yuvraj |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:56am |
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Been Around
LocationWhy you wanna know? Posts793 Posts Per Day 0.50 |
I didn't get it. The ending left me confused. Dialogs were OTN of course. Many things were unanswered. Seems like written in a rush.
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mmmarnie |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:50pm |
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January Project Group
Posts1085 Posts Per Day 0.22 |
Submarine is a pretty expensive prop.
I think there's an interesting story here but just too big to let it unfold naturally. 4 pages are just not enough. There's obviously some back story we need for it to feel complete.
Dialog needs work. Just didn't sound natural at all and parts were very expositional.
If you like the story, expand on it. |
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FrankM |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 3:32pm |
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January Project Group
LocationBetween Chair and Keyboard Posts1447 Posts Per Day 0.62 |
Nicely written in that I could picture everything on a first read, but it seems like a scene rather than a story. The dialog gets a bit on-the-nose, which is something that I struggle with a lot as well in early drafts, almost veering into As-You-Know-Bob territory. I've heard the rule of thumb is that shooting on the water triples your costs which works against the preference for a low budget, but "body of water" is right in the parameters so it's not inappropriate for this particular challenge. Good effort! |
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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown) |
FrankM - May 18th, 2021, 5:06pm | Fixed formatting | | |
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eldave1 |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationSouthern California Posts6874 Posts Per Day 1.93 |
So format-wise - very nice and the descriptions are clean and efficient.
The dialogue is way too OTN - and clearly used for exposition.
I didn;t get the purpose of the story - sorry. |
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Spqr |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 8:36pm |
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Posts483 Posts Per Day 0.09 |
Pete and George are searching for their buddies in a lake. But their buddies double-cross them "for the greater good." This might be a good scene if it existed in a larger script, but alone, it just reads like an excuse to show action. |
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Cacutshaw |
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 9:11pm |
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January Project Group
Posts177 Posts Per Day 0.07 |
I liked the feel of this, but I can't even place who is the good guy and who is the bad guy. I don't know why any of this is happening.
Just a sentence or two that isn't alluding to something, but stating real facts about their motivations would give the reader some sense of what they should be feeling. |
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Matthew Taylor |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 10:45am |
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January Project Group
LocationShakespeare's county Posts1770 Posts Per Day 0.88 |
George gets all the way to the lake before he asks what the thing they have been hauling in the back of the van does? You need a better way of conveying info to the reader/viewer. But then again George could be 5 years old for all I know.
Dialogue is very wooden and OTN in this. Writing needs tightening as well
But there is no context to this story at all, they are looking for some people who went missing in a submarine, but they aren't missing, they are on the side of a lake (and have been for a whole week by the sounds of it) But, after waiting a week, they shoot one of them on the lake... I don't understand anyones motivation in this. or what the samples are, or what the funding is for or from.
Best of luck
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42.2
Two steps to writing a good screenplay: 1) Write a bad one 2) Fix it |
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Geezis |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 4:39pm |
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January Project Group There's always a single malt waiting for you.
LocationGlasgow, Scotland Posts411 Posts Per Day 0.26 |
I'm not sure I fully understand this. This feels like a rushed entry to be honest. But kudos for entering. Well done. |
| If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone. |
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Zack |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 5:06pm |
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January Project Group
LocationErlanger, KY Posts4502 Posts Per Day 0.69 |
Really good writing. But I'll echo the others and say the dialog needs another pass. Way too on the nose. Story is confusing. I'm completely lost. Feel like I'm missing some key context here. Lol Good effort, but this one's a miss for me. |
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Revision History (1 edits) |
Zack - May 19th, 2021, 5:33pm | | |
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ReneC |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 5:26pm |
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Old Timer
LocationVancouver, BC Posts1435 Posts Per Day 0.31 |
The writing is decent, I just don't know what the stakes are or why any of this is happening. It feels like a small part of a larger story, and what's here just doesn't work. |
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SAC |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 9:14pm |
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Of The Ancients … but some dreams do
LocationUpstate NY Posts3208 Posts Per Day 0.78 |
Writer,
Didn't quite get what was happening and why. Lots of unnecessary characters, a little submarine that I'm not sure what it's purpose was. You had an extra page to flesh this out, you should have taken it.
Steve |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 11:43pm |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
As others have pointed out, this really makes no sense. Seems rushed. |
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MarkItZero |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 11:24am |
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Old Timer
Posts1007 Posts Per Day 0.34 |
Decent effort but dialogue has too much exposition that need to be teased out more subtly.
Description writing is good though so I suspect this was a bit of a rush job with the dialogue. |
| That rug really tied the room together. |
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AnthonyCawood |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 12:50pm |
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January Project Group
LocationUK Posts4323 Posts Per Day 1.13 |
The dialogue felt a little OTN in places with a few cliche expressions.
But I was intrigued by the setup but then, unfortunately, I was just left a little confused by it. |
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MarkD |
Posted: May 20th, 2021, 9:19pm |
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Posts142 Posts Per Day 0.10 |
Now that the writer reveal has taken place, I can now explain everything. Don't know if you're allowed to review your own script for misdirection purposes, but I did anyway.
Yes, this is a pretty terrible script. I had decided on the Sci-Fi/Thriller option but no ideas were really coming to me, so I had to play it by ear with this one. I was also running short on time so I had to rush it as well.
I admit that even I don't know what the "samples" are. I'm imagining something biological.
As for the submarine, I describe it in the action blocks as "primitive" and "cylindrical." I was trying to suggest a simple metal tube which would fit the low budget requirement.
Now to Adam. As stated in the terrible dialog, Adam wanted to bring down Pete's company. The other guys pretended to go missing so Pete would be forced to look for them. The reason he shoots George is because since no one else would appear to be at the lake, Pete would be suspected of George's death, since he was the only witness. This is why Adam says "The authorities will take care of the rest."
Thanks everyone for reading and let's hope the next May challenge is more up my alley. |
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