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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The May 2021 Challenge  ›  The Deepest, Darkest Water - May2
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  Author    The Deepest, Darkest Water - May2  (currently 349 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Deepest, Darkest Water by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as Fjord Explorer - Short, Sci Fi - Disaster strikes the first manned mission to Europa. 7 pages

Production: Single location, two actors onscreen, two brief voice-overs. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  June 18th, 2021, 8:19am
revised draft
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JEStaats
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 3:27pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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I'm a bit torn on this one. Meets the challenge, for sure, but the payoff hit so late that I was kind of let down. Also thought it odd how nonchalant our submariners were when all systems shut down and it seemed that they were going to drift into oblivion. And the implant? What was that?

Great imagination - the reveal could have been explored more.
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eldave1
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Imaginative for sure. Like the setting.

Some of the dialogue was really OTN - this for example:


Quoted Text
CHADWICK
Mine, too. We could blow the
ballast tanks, but that would just
bump us up against the underside of
the ice. Itís not like the Aquarius
is carrying a spare sub to come
rescue us.


Overall - pretty good effort


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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PKCardinal
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 5:27pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent world-building. Love the setting and the setup.

The peril felt a little thin. Mainly, I think because they seem so chill. Very professional of them, but less interesting from a story standpoint.

I did like the twist at the end.

All in all, well done. I enjoyed it.


PaulKWrites.com

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Spqr
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 6:16pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty good story. However, when death threatens a protagonist, the audience is supposed to care. In this script, Chadwick and Olivier spend all their time talking tech, rather than establishing themselves as individuals we should like. And the Voice at the end is a nice surprise, but how is the audience to know it's an alien, rather than just another human speaking? One way around this, for example, is for the alien to materialize holographically in the cabin.
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spesh2k
Posted: May 17th, 2021, 7:16pm Report to Moderator
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Maybe this went over my head... but this was all a test? And they're rewarded for making the right decision?

This was okay for me, but all the science talk to a simple guy like me is a little boring. It was well written though. And I do admire the imagination it takes to create a story like this. Just fell a little flat for me.

-- Michael


THE SUICIDE THEORY (Amazon Prime, 79% Rotten Tomatoes) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt2517300/?ref_=nm_knf_i1
RAGE (Coming Feb. 2021) https://www.imdb.com/title/tt8874764/?ref_=nm_knf_i2

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LC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 2:39am Report to Moderator
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Needs a tiny bit more suspense. It somehow read quite low key to me.
Great surprise twist at the end!


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Cypher99
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:49pm Report to Moderator
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Bland char intro's.  Giving Olivier a cross around his neck would be  a nice setup for him performing the sign of the cross and deliver info about his character.

Prob shouldn't intro SHEN since we don't see them, yet. No indication if male/female.  Prob just need MALE VOICE or female with the (V.O.)

It felt convoluted to me.  Reordering some of the action lines and dialogue could add clarity.  I also think dropping the first page (the launch) and getting right into exploration would give the time needed to bring about better resolution.

I LOVE the concept , btw, just not thrilled with the execution. Cleanest part of the writing was using spent glow stick to show the passage of time.  That is a technique I don't see often.

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Matthew Taylor
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 4:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer

Great plot, nice imagination you have. They were in a dire situation but I didn't feel it that much, I should be anxious for them but I wasn't.
Got a tad bored of them just trying to fix stuff.

I don't quite understand the ending. Did they find an Alien outpost?

Anyway, best of luck


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Geezis
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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There's always a single malt waiting for you.

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Obviously well written and meets the parameters but confused as to whether this was a real world scenario where the submariners thought they would die or if they were duped as it was all a test. Either way it lacked any real suspense but there was a lot in those four pages.
Well done.


If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed this but I didn't get a real sense of threat, they seemed to be a bit chill to their plight... could be their training I guess.

And then the ending, am I reading it right that some Aliens are on the moon too and have allowed them to survive given their imminent selfless act, or am I way off?

Well written though.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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ReneC
Posted: May 18th, 2021, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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That's some good French cursing there!  

Excellent world building. Everything made sense to me, but this is my jam. The story is fine, though it does bump up on things we've seen before (The Abyss, Mission to Mars, etc.). The dialogue is too lighthearted for such a dire situation though, it would have been better if you'd spent a bit more time with them frustrated that their solutions should be working but aren't. You only really have that one line of "this doesn't make any sense" but we don't know why.

As for the ending, it would have been a good idea to call the voice ALIEN VOICE. That would have made it crystal clear. And, an ending isn't a line of dialogue, it's a reaction, and that's missing. They just got hit with a double whammy of their lives being saved and (presumably) first contact. Show us something.

All in all, a good job, I like it. Well done.


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 6:46am Report to Moderator
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You don't get across the peril these characters are in. They act like they are on a training exercise, so much so I thought that was the case.

Nice world-building and a good little twist at the end, but it just misses the mark for me.


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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MarkItZero
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Cool idea. Seems like you put a lot of effort into the tech stuff and that felt real. Just needs more intensity from the two of them going through this life threatening event.

Solid twist.


That rug really tied the room together.
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irish eyes
Posted: May 19th, 2021, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Very well written.

I was starting to feel claustrophobic and to be honest as was actually hoping they would peril.

But alas they were saved and it was all a program of some sorts.

Really enjoyed this one


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