I liked the point in the conversation where the normal chit-chat turns weird. Joe mentions that someone was hurt bad, and Ray seems confused. Things get serious really fast. Joe pulls out the finger. This is good.

The chit-chat at the beginning got a little long. I didn't quite understand the line "He was meant to." The hitman/bad guy conclusion feels somewhat routine. What if Ray was the wrong guy and Joe started making these strange accusations?

So basically he defended himself from an attack. Cut off the guy's finger and then lost his life because he defended himself from a previous encounter !!! I think

A little revenge story that seemed to lack a story .

Not for me sorry

Hi writer,

Some awkward writing and really OTN dialogue and not natural at all.

Not entirely sure I got it, might need the writer to weigh in later.

This needs a lot of work all round, good job getting an entry in.

All the best.

Writing is okay. This one feels like part of a larger script though.

I like the tone, even Ray's occasionally odd phrasing might be an accent I can't place. But I'm not sure I understand what actually happened here. Joe is really casual with a severed finger that might have been re-attachable.

A couple notes about formatting: Casually-dressed and athletic would have saved you an orphan. Also , type out numbers in dialog so that the actor knows how to say them. "Fifteen" versus "one-five" is pretty obvious, but other times it's not clear and could make a difference in meaning.

Good effort!

Hey writer,

Lots of white space on the page which I liked. Nice simple story. Didn't beat around the bush. Refreshingly straightforward even. Just needs polishing up though as some of the action/dialogue is a bit clunky at times.

Well done though and good luck

A decent effort. I found the writing wonky, especially the dialogue which was odd, almost like they couldn't speak English quite that well but your action lines are written better so there was some confusion there.

The ending was just going through the motions for me, no real payoff.

I think this needs a bigger payoff. As is, for me, it feels like a scene from something bigger. Like the guys get on the train and after that the big thing happens.

Writing is a tad awkward but that tends to happen in a timed challenge.

Maybe expand this a bit.

Thanks a lot everyone for reading and commenting.