All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
While times can be included in loglines if they'd be visible in clocks, labeling scenes as PAST and FUTURE isn't appropriate unless there's some on-screen indication of the time.
DEAD MAN and ELLIE have names, and there's no need to keep them secret (we learn them by the end of the scene), so I would intro them with their names.
Page 4 is all dialog. It's on-the-nose, which is simply a symptom of an early draft, but the more pressing issue is that there's nothing else happening... they just stand there and talk to one another. Even a dialog-heavy page needs to be broken up with some action lines.
I've heard of using magnets to treat depression. Don't remember if it was effective, but I'm pretty sure it didn't cause temporal anomalies. At least no one's admitted to it publicly
Neat trick having her give Past Tony some info that Future Tony needs, and I can just about buy that his consciousness is sliding back and forth in time, but I don't see how this get represented on screen. How would we know it's Past Tony's or Future Tony's POV? And scenery can't simply disappear... though it could fade to gray or something.
This could be visually stunning with a little more room to describe what's happening.
TONY RIVERA, 35, sport coat and jeans, enters a room filled with an array of cabinet-sized devices centered
I really don’t know what I am supposed to be seeing here because “devices” is so generic. Covers everything from refrigerators to main frame computers. All I can infer is size – not functionality.
Quoted Text
Sprawled on the chair is a DEAD WOMAN in a green dress.
Better as: A DEAD WOMAN in a green dress is....
The VO’s don’t work for me in this one. Kind of come out of nowhere.
Parameters met for sure - there were spots where I got confused timewise - eventually, I got my bearings straight.
This one feels like it has been written in a rush. Like a first draft itself. The writing was Ok at best but confusing as well, like the transitions between past Tony and future Tony are too muddled to fully understand. I had to read twice coz of that. And dialogs were OTN and unnatural. The story was good but the execution didn't delivered it.
Some good visuals in here, but holy crap did this one confuse the hell out of me. To be fair, I expect to be confused quite a bit this round, so take that criticism with a bucket of salt. lol
The writing itself is mostly on point, though the dialog needs punched up. Good effort.
He pulls out a little notebook, checks his watch, and writes down the time.
TONY: What’sup, Sam? (listens) Gimme the name again.
This had me thinking, perhaps if Tony had the name, as in the one he’s asking for, already scribbled in his little notebook, that would be a creepier moment, just a suggestion to avoid the ‘on the nose’ pitfall that appears many times in this read.
The story itself is cool as a concept with all the time flowing backwards, but from what’s scripted here, it’s just a clock going in reverse, however, the fact it effects Tony is truly a supernatural angle that could be fleshed out, but I’ll leave that up to you to work out the strange logistics of something that curious.
Writing is sharp with a gumshoe detective thing going on, the future, the past, strange headgear that stamps a shelf life on your existence until your literally erased from the material plane. It’s imaginative, I’ll give you that, but there’s just way too many variables moving through these pages that some of it comes off as implausible, which unfortunately hurts aspects of the story which could be considered as realistic. Best of luck.
It's a clever idea to use time travel as a story point for experimental narrative, there just isn't enough meat to this story to hook me. Due to experimental therapy for depression, people move backwards in time and they eventually disappear. It's a good start but needs more than that.
I did get lost as to which was future Tony and past a few times. Writing it in the scene header doesn't help the audience.
Meets the parameters and a decent effort in a tough challenge!
For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
This was a well-written mind-bender... maybe a bit TOO mind-bending for my taste. Didn't really understand the logistics behind it all, time going backwards.
The voice-over kinda came out of nowhere a few pages in and was only there briefly... was he on the phone or something? Because as is, it just feels like the voice over comes out of nowhere specifically to provide the audience with information and then just disappears. I dunno, felt off to me.
This was a solid, interesting effort that went a bit over my head.
Can't tell you how much I hate seeing this bit of dialogue lol it seems every other writer who wants to show a character being shocked has their character say this to themselves.
Quoted Text
WAITRESS Hey, Tony, weren’t you just here?
That's a very odd thing to say to someone lol more natural is along the lines of "Back again already?" or "You forgotten something, hun?"
That V.O is pointless and thrown in - I would either use that device throughout or not at all, not just when it is convenient (although the contents of the V.O don;t forward the story at all, if anything it stalls it and takes away some of the mystery already built up)
That conversation with Lottie is very wooden and matter-of-fact.
Quoted Text
TONY You didn’t answer the front door, so I came in through the kitchen.
again, this is very matter-of-fact dialogue.
This is a nice mind-bender tale and very unique, I loved the mystery surrounding it all but I don't quite get where it went, there's a hint of a theme in there but I couldn't quite grasp it. Great imagination though. The dialogue lets this script down though, that's where most of the work is needed. I would have liked more of a crossover between the two Tony's paths, not seeing each other, but affecting each others storyline (more than just the occasional, "hey didn't I just see you?") That being said, I'm not sure what either Tony is trying to accomplish, maybe make their goals a little clearer?
That's a fun concept. Tony's dialogue seemed to have a noir-ish quality to it. And tying the backwards time thing to depression, I think there's something there. In the end, was a bit too rough around the edges to pull off something this ambitious. Lots of potential here to work with after the challenge.
I know how Tony felt. I was as lost as he was at the end of the script.
I have a feeling the concept would be easier to grasp when filmed, and I like scripts that I need to figure out as they go. Might have to re-read this to get a handle on it.
I would nix the VO or open the whole short with it. As it is, it appears out of nowhere and seems like it's just the "writer" trying to help the audience with the plot.
A little but too much jumping between present and future for my liking as it was hard to keep up but an interesting premise nonetheless. Would make better sense when filmed. Well done.
If at first you don't succeed........bribe someone.
Ouch. My brain. LOL. This was a great idea for this challenge but man...it was tough to follow. The jumping around is delicate and needs to be more clear. And...Tony needs some development. I didn't feel anything toward him.
This was a tough challenge and you chose something super difficult. Keep working on it!!!
Great vibe to this. A very Memento/Tenet feel to it, (I'm a fan of the former, not the latter) crossed with a Noir detective feel. Well done with that.
I think you need a way to get the Info Dump across better.
LOTTIE Thank you for coming, detective. I’d invite you in, but I’m on my way to an appointment. The reason I called you is that one of the people in my counseling group, Monica Santos, left a very strange message on my phone a while ago.
It sounds too shopping list and not very natural dialogue. Perhaps have Tony prompting more - he's the detective, after all. Love the name Lottie.
Talk. Conversation, maybe, instead?
She dies. I think you need a bit more there visually.
NEW SCENE ??
Loved everything vanishing. The ending was a bit anti-climactic for me, and a bit too flippant that last line tonally in particular ( though amusing) for what's happening.
The setup is terrific, loved the humorous touches you interweaved.
The Janson machine kicks your “clock” into reverse. Then you die and disappear.
Why, though? That's my question? Needs a stronger motivation. Was it just a bad/lethal side-effect?
I love so much of this and it doesn't have to be crystal clear what's going on in a mind-bending tale, it just needs to be satisfying.
Btw, if you're going with that Voice Over (which like I said, I'm a fan of) you need to top n tail it, imho.
Overall, I loved it. I think it needs tweaking to be more satisfying.
The big thing to elevate the story for an audience (imho) is that Tony nerds to be emotionally connected with one of these disappearing characters - Monica or Lottie, maybe? That would raise the emotional stakes.
That aside, another entry that's up there in the scoring for me.
I like a time-travel concept but it needs to be simple to follow and I’m not sure there’s enough space here to flesh out the rules and do this justice. I read it twice and though I see the little connective threads here and there I’m not putting it together enough to create a satisfying whole - if that makes sense?
Doctor Jansen creates a machine that inadvertently reverses time for those who touch it. Tony gets called out by Lottie to investigate the strange voice-mail left by Monica Santos (a tough sell for a detective) and finds her just as she dies. He then goes to the Jansen place, finds Lottie and Jansen dead and kick starts the whole reverse time thing for himself. Did Future Tony then go back to Monica’s place to find Past Tony to warn him? Was it a warning? Didn't the other characters die before fading away but Future Tony just fades away? Feels like there’s pieces of the story missing that tie it together and I just can’t make the jump.
Nothing against the use of VO, but maybe better to set it up from the start than part way through.
Writing is fine but the dialogue feels too OTN in places. Not so much with Tony, his is pretty good in places, but Lottie’s in particular is mostly exposition. Again, a tough call for such a short. It’s an interesting concept and maybe one to elaborate on with more space but it missed the mark for me. Interested to hear the writer's intent.
My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:
Some big ideas here, too big for a 5 page short IMO. I think this can be expanded. I really like the idea of time flowing backwards, really cool, gives you a lot to work with. Some of the description I had a hard time visualizing and some of the time jumping was awkward, V.O. was out of left field. It could be a really cool sci fi story with more work put in, keep at it!
I love the advice that one Tony gives to the other Tony: Don't do anything that I wouldn't do. If I ever encounter a future version on myself, that is precisely the advice that I will give.