Disorder by Alice - An elderly Marine talks about the worst thing he's ever seen.  Short, Horror, War

Weasel's O.S. dialog should be V.O.

Some clunky character introductions, in particular Rooster.

Not bad, but I didn't a horror vibe from this. The story was perfectly clear, so well done on that front. Solid effort.

The story was good (although done many times before). I can see the horror of been haunted by the people whose deaths Weasel’s responsible for. I think there could have been more to show regarding Weasel’s haunting to add more punch as you still had two more pages to go.

Overall, nice effort.

Good luck.

The last line... I just wanted something more.

Weasel comes across as more traumatised to me than haunted or in grave danger or under threat.

I'd have liked to feel him more fearful if you're going for Horror.

Regardless of quibbles you painted a vivid and nightmarish snapshot of war and its effects in just three pages.
Very nicely done.

Ah ha!… I see what you did there. You can fool some of the people some of the time, but you ain’t never gonna fool a hard core Alice in Chains fan, lol.

If I recall correctly (via a blurb I read somewhere), The Rooster was (Jerry) Cantrell’s dad, but that’s out of scope. This was actually a blast (pun intended) to read, the memories stamped in ink, the quick succession of action and banter floating in and about Weasel’s head, driving him mad with PTSD; I mean, the trauma and shit is real and a sad reality with these poor vets, I’m just getting at the way it’s scripted, the writing style… was a wild ride.

Time distorted scripts, experimental narratives in a non-linear fashion are always a little easier to comprehend when there’s a home base involved, a place to always ground yourself and get your bearings when attempting to decipher the narrative; in Memento it was the motel or Inn, kind of like a womb where the creative thought process is born before releasing it into the open, but always available for return in order to collect your thoughts before the next wave or onslaught of time distortion… sorry, shot off on a tangent there.

Anyway, the womb in this narrative is the Care Facility, without it, the reader would forever be lost in the Weasel’s raging PTSD. So, in a nutshell, it’s well thought out and scripted with just the right amount of crazy thrown in for good measure. Best of luck.

Meets the challenge for sure.

The opening third of the first page was very confusing to me. Had to re-read it several times. The descriptive blocks are a little clunky.

I do like that the tale/premise. Thought it would be interesting if that Nurse turned out to be Vietnamese.

I don't understand what the red eyes were in the opening scene. It felt paranormal. I expected your story to explain it, but, instead you went in a completely different direction, giving us a series of very normal (but, horrifying) war experiences.

So, to me, it felt like a horror setup followed by a standard drama.

Good story. I think the "present" and flashback structure used was pretty standard, though.

Hi Writer

Some odd writing choices...

Quoted Text has just lost her grip and is being pulled into the darkness.

Quoted Text A gruff warning is yelled.

Quoted Text A brief commentary by an old and rattled man

...Made the read a clunky, it can be streamlined quite a bit.


A story about PTSD and guilt. The story was clear and I was enjoying it until the end when it just kind of stopped, I guess I just wanted more from this. The identity of the nurse should play a bigger part, and the part with the glowing red eyes should either make a reappearance later on or be removed, they are out of place at the moment.

Best of luck

A very familiar tale told well and good use of the experimental narrative, although the opening scene with the glowing eyes was confusing and made it seem like this was going to be a horror at first.

Great image at the end of the old soldier being tormented by the demons of his past. It needed something more to make it stand out among the many Vietnam war films I've seen though.

This felt more flashback than experimental, but I did like where the present was.

As other's have noted, think this is fairly familiar... but I still kinda liked it, worked for me.

Good effort

This was decent. A bit underwhelming for me, though -- I feel like I've seen this story before. But it was very well written, so points for that. Didn't feel like an experimental with the structure, but it still works within the parameters of the challenge. Some great visuals, especially at the end when Weasel is losing his shit.

Solid effort.

-- Michael

Only four pages?! This could be so much more. I bet you're kicking yourself with the WEASEL (O.S.) v. (V.O.) mistake too. Revisit this and give it more depth. Let's see the identity of the nurse (although implied to be the Vietnamese nurse?) and add something truly horrific if going for that angle. Good stuff - Needs more.

Love the ode to Alice in Chains. And also love the visual in the opening paragraph with the nurse being pulled away, although I'm not sure where it fit in.

The story itself needs something more though. Just wasn't enough there to grab me.

Keep working on it!!

I like the idea of a man haunted by his memories, but I agree with mmmarnie, it really needs something else in there. I don't know what exactly, but maybe something a little more punishing at the end, considering what he's done or something leading us one way so we are surprised by the brutality of the soldiers.

Definitely one to work on, but a very nice start.

So this started as a horror with a nurse (How did she get there?) somehow being in Vietnamese tunnels being pulled by a creature with glowing red eyes and ended up with an old man's pity party.
I don't get the connection between the nurse and Weasel unless it was him that threw the C4. It's well written but it didn't really connect with me.
Well done.

Writer,

Would work as a music Video for AIC I think I think you could have took advantage of the three extra pages and gotten into into the mud so to speak,  what the thing with red eyes was, etc. For 3 pages though it's pretty good, nice effort.

There is nice coordination between the narration and different time elements. A lot of the dialogue works well. The scene where Rooster is shot is very effective. I feel like I am missing something with the red eyes in the opening sequence. I kept waiting for them to return.

While I enjoyed this, the ending is less than the sum of its parts. There was an opportunity for more, but as is that last line doesn't carry enough weight. Yes, it's a call back, but it's executed in a way that doesn't land for me.

Of all the atrocities those soldiers could have done in the village, you really pulled your punches there. No, I didn't want to see glorified war crimes on display, but even the suggestion of real "payback" would have added some much needed oomph to the scene.

What confuses me the most here is the nurse. If he sees the ghosts of people he wronged, what did he do to her? The only mention of a nurse is the opening with a nurse being yanked into the darkness (Hell?) and glowing red eyes, and I have no idea how that relates to everything else. If that were the same nurse, there's nothing to connect the two at all, not even long black hair.

What I thought early on was the nurse was actually Death, and he was recounting this as a sort of life-flashing-before-your-eyes thing, with his destination that pit the nurse in the opening showed us. While it would have been interesting, you did something different by trying to show his life is a living hell already, which is better in my opinion. It just didn't quite get there.

3 pages used, so maybe this was a last minute rush attempt, and if that's the case the actual writing is outstanding, though a tad cliché in the dialogue. Still, great characterizations and attention to details. Well done.

Another one with a war theme… Can’t recall the last OWC that featured so many war scripts.

Took me a couple of reads to get the visual on that opening image.

The scene with old Weasel and the hands on P3 feels a bit jarring given the setup.  He starts out seemingly quite open to talking about what happened - almost cavalier about it - only to go into a sudden reversal.  As he's (seemingly) talking to himself I couldn't understand why he'd want to set himself up to revisit the memories of such a traumatic experience.  

Maybe he can't help himself but I think we could have done with a more distinct reasoning as to why he’s talking about his experiences (perhaps reluctant and coerced into it) otherwise it hits something of a false note.

I’m a bit lost on this one which is a shame as I liked the set-up and the dialogue was punchy with plenty of character to it.  

I never really understood the significance of the red glowing eyes.  Whether they were real or imaged or meant to signify something?

Other than not getting the title and having no clue what the red eyes were, I like this one. I can definitely see a vet in a nursing home losing it like this. Read smoothly, only noticed two glitches: don't bold action lines especially short ones mistakable for mini-slugs, plus spell out "Saint" in dialog.

He probably wasn't caught committing the war crime, but ended up paying for it anyway.

One tiny suggestion, I would have something in the facility room with Weasel's nickname on it just to make the connection crystal clear.

Very good job!