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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    June, 2020 One Week Challenge  ›  Route 13 - OWC Moderators: LC
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Don
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 9:14am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Route 13 by Frank MacCrory (FrankM) writing as Autonomous Anonymous - Short, Horror, Sci Fi - A gangster messes with the passengers on an automated trolley. 4 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  August 17th, 2020, 4:17pm
revised draft
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 10:22am Report to Moderator
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An autonomous trolley - transport of the future.

Not sure how easy to film but not the biggest budget I’ve ever read.

I think this has potential. How does a hijacker, which in effect this pretty much becomes, deal and argue with a hollow gram driver. Is the driver real elsewhere or just automated?

I could picture a bit of back and forth. Lights going off, temperature changes, stops missed etc

I guess this script needs a bit more time and a few extra pages. I would also strengthen the reason  the snakehead is on there


My scripts  HERE

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Zack
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 12:15pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Interesting idea, but I don't think this one quite hits the mark.

Guy get's on an automated trolly, harasses the passengers, then the automated driver locks the trolly down and calls the cops. Then it just kind of ends.

Writing isn't bad. But it could be a little more clear in spots.

Still, a solid effort.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Spqr
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 1:26pm Report to Moderator
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I don’t know what a “Trolley Problem” is, either, but I sure don’t want to run into it. I really liked Snakehead’s unhinged persona. The passengers don’t seem particularly surprised at the sudden downturn in their fortunes, which says a lot about the times they’re living in. And the AI driver’s polite adherence to the rules regardless of consequences to the passengers is a nice touch. The dark, menacing atmosphere of this story was well done.
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Cameron
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 1:36pm Report to Moderator
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Hey there Autonomous Anonymous (sounds like a Flight of the Chonchords rap name, nice),

Yep, nope, maybe? I think you’re gonna struggle here. First off, the writing was sound, you know your way about a script and it was an easy read. However...

One thing I’ve spotted already with others, and this falls prey to it again, is that I don’t think this is a horror and instead it strikes me as a Judge Dredd style dystopian future shock action script. So that’s a big issue right there.

The characters seemed pretty shallow too. Build into them, give them motive and reason, right now it’s just some bad guy with a gun who’s driving towards the goal of sexual assault...is there more than that? I think there has to be, personally speaking, as it simply didn’t engage if that was all there was.

Anyway, broke the parameters IMO, and needed greater drive in story and character.

Best of luck,

Cam
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eldave1
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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I had to Google what a Chinese Snakehead was. Either I am unaware (that is certainly possible) or you have to give us a little more in terms of this being a gang member.


Quoted Text
SNAKEHEAD
Pretty little thing. Don’t think she’s gonna say “No,” eh?

Who was he talking to?


Quoted Text
The Driver’s voice appears quieter from a single speaker near the Snakehead.


How does a voice “appear” quieter? Did you mean sounds?


Quoted Text
Snakehead FIRES his pistol.


At?

Okay - well written enough but this thing just kind of ends. Wasn't quite sure what to make of it and certainly didn't see a horror aspect.


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ReneC
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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Automated trolley and an unhinged gangster who isn't used to dealing with technology like that. Neat concept.

Things escalate quickly, of course. The other characters are just window dressing, unfortunately. Maybe this was a rushed last minute entry, but a bit more time spent to develop them would really add a lot to this. Especially given how it ends.

Everything hinges on that ending, but it isn't set up quite well enough. I already see some people didn't get it, and it's forgivable. The mother is the only one in a position to realize what's about to happen but it should start with maybe a sensation of acceleration, a corner taken too quickly, maybe Snakehead even warning the trolley to keep the jostling down.

I don't get the "Trolley Problem" either. Are the trolleys known to sometimes crash and kill everyone? Why are they still in use then? Or is it that nobody's heard of any trolley problems, as if to say their deaths will be covered up? It's a weird hard line that doesn't make sense to me. Is this the automaton's way of eliminating problems with the system? Kill the innocent along with the problem passengers? That seems like a stretch, I can't figure out that motivation.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2020, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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Hmm, if he's a hardened criminal then surely he'd know that the trolley would immediately call the police?

And potentially killing everyone by crashing the trolley? Sorry don't buy it.

Well written though, just feels rushed and needed more time to gestate.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Fais85
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 5:45am Report to Moderator
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**SPOILERS**

Didn't get this one. Perhaps, a cultural thing.

A criminal wants to rape a girl. But the AI calls the police. However, upon realizing that the criminal can kill innocents, the AI takes a dumb (or evil) decision to let him rape that girl by giving him some privacy and then.... what? Is it going to crash? Or the AI has called another vehicle that will crash into this trolley and it'll look like an accident.

DRIVER (O.S.)
Have you ever heard of Trolley
Problem?

Not sure what does this means. An inside joke?

The script is neatly written though.
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ajr
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 12:45pm Report to Moderator
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Agree with what's been said here, very well written, an out-of-the-box idea and certainly not like anything else in the competition. More CLOCKWORK ORANGE than anything which is good. I too though was confused in spots and didn't really get the ending. With a couple more pages to spare for the competition, I think there was an opportunity to expound on some details.

AJR


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Gum
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 3:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

Weird tale on the ol’ night train to hell, or something. I think the AI driver is a little more unstable than Snakehead himself, and really couldn’t give a shit about humans, just that the trolley remains under its control.

A quick read with a morbid outcome, albeit somewhat confusing to someone who has never ridden a Philadelphia “Night Owl” trolley, as in: “red end-of-line lights rush right up to the trolley”. Not sure what happened there, but… I enjoyed the ride.

Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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PKCardinal
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 4:36pm Report to Moderator
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There's a really interesting idea here, but unfortunately the execution of the idea just didn't work for me. Mainly because of the mother and toddler.

If it had been a trolley full of expendables in a harsh future world, it works better. But the innocents on board throw it over the line.

Still, I think you ought to keep the concept and experiment with other ways to play this out.


PaulKWrites.com

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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 7th, 2020, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Story: This went off the rails quickly (okay, pun intended). I like the idea of a cyber-operated trolley that interacts with the passengers, and I think you almost pulled off the story, but it does feel like something is missing from the overall story, and some clarifications are needed, like, why does the computer driver decide to go back to the status quo? Because the snakehead threatened to shoot his way out?  So instead the computer elects to just crash the trolley, killing everyone on board?  And why does the computer tell the mom it will ensure a worse outcome if she hits the emergency brake?  What could be worse than killing everyone on board by deliberately crashing the trolley?  I think you had a good idea, you just need to harness it.  You had three more pages to explore the situation, I think you should have taken advantage of it.

Characters: All pretty well written, no complaints there.

Dialogue:  It’s not too bad. Some of it on the nose but for the most part it was fine.

Writing:  Again, I think you bailed too soon on it.  You had something going and I think you just didn’t have time to fully develop the ending.  Overall not bad on the writing itself.

Meeting the challenge:  It’s got elements of sci-fi but no real horror, other than an arm getting blasted.  Not sure the challenge is really met.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Max Ruddock
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 5:37am Report to Moderator
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Hi writer,

This might sound a bit harsh, but I read it twice and I must have missed a lot cos I don't know what I just read.

Probably just needs fleshing out, but as it is there's not enough there to engage me.

Good luck


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The Moviegoer
Posted: June 8th, 2020, 7:41am Report to Moderator
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Premise was interesting but it seemed underdeveloped, I was expecting more interactions between the characters.

The most interesting aspect was the driver deciding to sacrifice the sleeping girl for the greater good, but this needed more work to hit home.


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