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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  In Loving Memory - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    In Loving Memory - June Challenge  (currently 229 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In Loving Memory by Momento Mori - A woman scorned exacts an everlasting revenge.  Short, Sci fi


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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This was really good.  Second one I've read dealing with revenge but this was definitely a unique twist on the idea.  Really clever on the ending and the use of the quote.  Does it meet the challenge of trying to find a way to extricate themselves from the situation?  Not sure it does but I'm not going to knock it for that.

The writing is good, sharp, visual -- even in a futuristic setting I could still picture everything happening.  Maybe my favorite so far.

Great job here.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer

Would it be wrong to say that science fiction writing has to exhibit the most sense of confidence from the writer in order for the reader to agree to be taken along for the ride? I think so. You seem to have that confidence. First let me give you a golf clap for the effort. Loved the concept, and your take on the woman scorned idea. The problem is I'm iffy on whether it meets the parameters or not. Sorry, not a lot of notes to give here, nonetheless I liked it a lot. Best of Irish luck! -A


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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Well this is an unusual take on the 'trapped' criteria, like it, different.

Reads well, wonder if a few pages more could have made for some more banter, and potentially a threeway interaction with Sis.

Still a lot of good here in the three pages allowed.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Arundel
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Good, but doesn't all ad up. Some explanation was missing but enough was there to make it understandable.
If his body was cremated then how is he on screen and able to talk?
Hmm, I'll confuse myself more by getting into further logistics but the premise was there.
'Arsehole' lets me know it was written by one of the Brits.  
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Gum
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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Oh, man… this definitely has a Black Mirror vibe going on, to the extent that there was an episode that did exactly this; trapped a person’s consciousness in a virtual matrix, for thousands of years if they wanted to go completely evil on your ass.

I dig the two graves bit (pun intended); “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, and her sister is not exempt from the torment.

The theme, I believe is… find a way to get out of a trapped situation, but it appears here that Greg is fucked and has no options.

Just thinking out loud, but perhaps Greg should have some sort of arsenal in his possession to make Anna reconsider the route she went, or at least have her thinking that maybe it’s not gonna be a ‘forever’ thing but hold him in this virtual hell long enough till he can achieve a from memory a 10,000-word dramatic monologue of why he’s such a douchebag, or… whatever.

The thought is creepy enough that some people will go to extreme lengths to exact revenge on a cheating spouse, and this technology within a scorned woman’s possession is worse than having a flamethrower IMO. Best of luck.


My scripts and templates: Obfuscation
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PedroS
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 3:12am Report to Moderator
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Haha I am totally with Gum.  Strong Black Mirror vibes, here. I knew the scenario too. Loved it anyway
.
You only had three pages, so not much room for explanation. Lemme tell you that you did a great work here!

Thank you

P.S "back to supernova level" hahaha
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LC
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 10:08am Report to Moderator
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Might he have dug his own grave by threatening her (he's oblivious to the full extent of his incarceration at this point, right?) Instead he might have cajoled/manipulated her a bit more in some way, pleading to be set free?

More of this perhaps -

GREG
Look, if you just let me out...

- And then that would set the stage more for the big reveal that his physical form is also kaput? And his fate was already sealed. Ha!

Still, three pages is is a tough ask.

Great concept. Loved it!


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JEStaats
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 3:09pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Good job getting this in three pages. Nice reveal having Sis in the 2nd grave.

Not sure we'll have this tech by 2025. I hope not.

Regardless, very clever - good job.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 2:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer,

Congrats on completing the challenge.

Notes:

Love the concept. Interested in the backstory on how Anna accomplished this especially in a public setting as a cemetery and through a lot of people (funeral directors, doctors, etc). I would suggest expanding this and adding that part. Not saying this short is a negative but, I just want more. lol.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Zack
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 2:49pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Interesting tale. Pretty imaginative, what with the futuristic take on a graveyard. Very creative.

Simple tale of revenge. I enjoyed it. Pretty good dialog for the most part, but the writing itself could be tightened up a bit. Another draft and I think you'll be there.

Really good work here.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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Abe from LA
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 3:00pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah, very interesting read. Maybe the mention of Greg's cremation could have been a visual. But that's a small quibble.
I like the use of technology to trap Greg. And Sis.
Another thought would be to set up both screens, Greg and Sis, simultaneously and let them see how close they are but will never be together again. That would kill two birds.
Anyway, nice job.
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:02pm Report to Moderator
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Very good script.

Greg’s stone says he died in 2025. It’s not possible the technology for uploading a person’s mind to a computer will be accomplished in the near future, so maybe setting this story later in this century would be better.

Apparently Anna’s sister’s panel is located under Greg’s. Does this mean she’s buried in the same place as the guy who (I assume) killed her?

Greg is a totally worthless bastard, who probably thinks no one else is any better than he is, so why, on the first page, does he say:
     “I cannot believe you’d do this.”
Of course he’d believe it. In fact, he’d probably love to do this to lots of people if he was smart enough and rich enough to pull it off.

The rest of the dialogue is spot on.
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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I really love the concept, a hell of a concept. I'd expand on it. Hell hath no fury eh? I love using the quote for the payoff at the end, very clever. I don't see how any of the two could ever escape though. Not much to critique. Except to say, Bravo.
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