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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    The June 2021 Challenge  ›  Up or Down - June Challenge Moderators: Zack
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  Author    Up or Down - June Challenge  (currently 201 views)
Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Up or Down by Danny Dame - A typical situation of a person stuck in an elevator.  Short, Horror


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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The dreaded 404 Error!!


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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Don
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:34pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from Gary in Houston
The dreaded 404 Error!!


Fixed!

Don


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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 1:48pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, that was different!  Not sure what happened, but it was definitely different.

I feel like there was a dream sequence involved -- either that, or Seth is in a Groundhog Day type loop, where he keeps getting stuck over and over in the elevator.

Mostly one line action blocks, which I thought was an interesting choice and made for a quick read.  I think I would have liked some sort of resolution at the end, though, to show he escaped his situation.  Feel likes he's still stuck in that elevator.

I think you might eliminate the two teens, as they didn't add anything to the story, and focus on coming up to a way to get him out of the loop.  Best of luck with this.


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Nice quick read though there's some awkward grammar and passive writing in places.

But I wasn't entirely sure why the things happened, or why after his experience he'd get back in the lift at all.

Maybe the script just needed an extra page or two to breathe.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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_ghostwriters
Posted: June 21st, 2021, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Ahoy writer,

It reads fast and lean which kept me going at a good clip, but this didn't jump up and bite me. I'll try to give my reasons -- if you agree then fair enough, if not, que sera. I echo a previous colleague, the teens -- I'm not sure how they add to the story. Or maybe I missed the point. You know elevators do have phones in cases such as this. If this is sort of -- it was all just a “dream" then the dream conflict is abruptly cut off without proper resolution. Not bad by any means. Best of Irish luck! -A


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Gum
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Not entirely sure what transpired here. I get he has a fear of elevators, or confined spaces and loses his shit when things go wrong, or was he dreaming?

I think this is more of a person being a victim of their own vices and not having the capacity to realize it, that being he re-enters this strange psychological gauntlet once again, even after finding a way out.
So I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt and say; maybe that’s where you were going with this?

Sometimes we’re trapped in a situation that isn’t really a situation at all… it’s all in our heads. If that’s the case, this is truly a mindfuck that you’ve constructed for the theme. Best of luck.


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Zack
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 1:08pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Hmm. Guy gets stuck in a time-loop on a haunted(?) elevator. Not a bad concept, but the execution could be better. Some really messy writing, lots of grammar mistakes and typos.

I also think Seth freaked out a little too quickly. If he had a serious fear of elevators, he'd take the stairs. Trust me.

I actually don't have a problem with the two Teens at the end. They are meant to lure Seth (and the audience) into a false sense of security. The problem is in the execution. If the writing were cleaned up and more focused, perhaps the Teens would have felt less random.

Still, a good 72-hour effort.


WITCH HUNT - horror, 77 pgs

THE 1997 TEXAS CHAIN SAW MASSACRE - horror, 82 pgs

HERE COMES THE BOGEYMAN - horror, 24 pgs
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JEStaats
Posted: June 22nd, 2021, 1:47pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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Hmmm... I don't think it's a time loop. Just a guy with a fear of elevators or a premonition of what's to come. The logline was spot on, though it could have been 'atypical'.

A bit clunky but better than what I submitted...nothing! Good work, writer.
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LC
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 12:09am Report to Moderator
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I'd personally get rid of the parking lot intro scene. In a three-pager you need all the space you can get to create the rhythm and pacing of Seth's ascent and descent into hell.

Here for example:
Alert, Seth pushes the emergency button. Waits.
He'd probably push a few other buttons first before progressing to the emergency button and freaking out.

Speaking of available space, removing that orphaned line could have helped too - perhaps just describe him as having broken out in a cold sweat?

Your wording in spots could do with a little editing, such as here:
screams at the top of lung.
screams at the top of his lungs.

The elevator starts to climb up.
The elevator starts to climb.
No need for 'up', climb does the job.

I'm suspecting this might have been Groundhog Day in an elevator?
Not sure why Seth was so pleased with the time he arrived?

Entertaining nonetheless, just needs a bit more clarity.
Nice job capturing Seth's terror with the crazy elevator's antics.


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PedroS
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 2:45am Report to Moderator
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Oh no :O
Goodbye to my days using an elevator.
Good story.

Thank you!
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Arundel
Posted: June 23rd, 2021, 6:49pm Report to Moderator
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Intriguing but something is missing. Why do the two teens seem unaware of their surroundings? And did Seth exit the elevator and get to the first floor again somehow just to get on again with them?
Also, I feel he overreacts too quickly. Getting into a fetal position. Well, perhaps it may happen and there just wasn't enough time in the page allotment to draw out his despair.
Elevators are good source material, this mainly worked, even if there were some bumps along the way.
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Abe from LA
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 3:50am Report to Moderator
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It's a simple idea. Man gets on an elevator and freaks out when he gets stuck. Seth goes into a quick panic. Is he claustrophobic? Is he in elevator hell? Am I missing something?
Seth is trying to get to the 9th floor, but seems to be stuck on the 2nd floor.
I want to believe there's a Twilight Zone thing going on. Why do I say that? I dunno, I'm just that way. Besides, it's categorized as Horror. TZ has a number of episodes where people are haunted by recurring dreams. Is that what's going down, or up?
Damn, I think there's an "Aha" moment here, but just can't solve the mystery.
Can't wait for the writer to explain.
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Spqr
Posted: June 24th, 2021, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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This was an interesting script that needs some work.

The first action line:
     “A car gets parked….”
Who does the parking?

The second action line:
     Seth “is in his formal office clothes.”
Unless the office’s dress code calls for “tuxedo Fridays,” you should probably just say he’s wearing a suit, or not mention his clothes at all.

The second slugline:
     INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
You need to be more specific. If the elevator is in the lobby, you should add LOBBY to the slugline.

You have the same thing on the second page:
     INT. APARTMENT BUILDING – NIGHT
Is Seth in a HALLWAY or back in the LOBBY?

And how did he get outside the elevator? And why did he get back into the elevator? After completely falling apart in record time, his decision to get back in the elevator a second time seems to make no sense.
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Lono
Posted: June 25th, 2021, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,
I was Confused a bit by this one. So I take it he's caught in something like a time loop of some kind? I had to re-read the jolt awake the first time cause I was kind of lost at where he was, not in the elevator, not in his apartment, not in the parking lot. Outside the elevator? It was confusing to me, maybe I missed something but I can see what you tried to do, just needs tuning I think. Maybe bring him back to the parking lot so we register it's a loop? Best of luck with it.
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