Dark Corners by blank - A daughter risks herself to get her father desperately needed help.  Short, Drama

I liked the log line. Intense. Well written. Easy to read. Good job. I guess I kinda saw it coming, but well written and engaging.

A pretty straight-forward tale of a a worried loved one wanting the police to take her mentally ill father to the hospital for help. but ended up getting shot. It's harsh and reality.

Quoted Text Maggie-Pie -- sometimes. When you wanted to be nice. Haggie-Pie when you didn’t

Nice line.

You played it  straight up - I was looking for a different spin on things. Why, well we read so much about theses thing in the news you almost become numb to it. But maybe we shouldn't.

Nice job overall writer.

Reg-

Well-written and believable drama here, with an estranged relationship too.

The five year old photo threw me initially as I thought he didn't recognise here because she's five years old in the photo... feels less credible if it's a photo of Meg from 5 years ago - nit pick though.

I assume the 3rd variable is the Policeman, as he appears only on the final page.

Good job.

Ooh, very nice.

No real nitpicks, except your logline:
A daughter risks herself
A daughter risks her own life? Or: puts herself at risk?

Anyway, a lot of story packed into this one. Luther reminded me of Mel Gibson's character in Conspiracy Theory.  
Dialogue was great, befitting the creeping paranoia Luther suffers, but with some nice quirky humorous touches too.

They needed an ambulance, dammit!

Tragic end I'm guessing, but sufficiently up in the air and open to interpretation too.

I'll be front and centre when the 'Guess who wrote What' comes out, cause I know who penned this, even though it's in the wheelhouse of two writers in this challenge. Okay, I'll stop being a smart-arse now.

This'd make a great produced Short.
Well done, Writer!

Hi writer,

I liked this one, well written and ticks all the boxes. Not much else to add.

All the best.

If the daughter knows that her dad is disturbed, then why would she break a window to get in, which would surely confuse him and make him dangerous? Does she break a window every time she brings him groceries? Why would authorities be contacted after she had broken into the residence and put herself in danger? Surely there must be a better way to deal with a parent in a confused state.

Ending felt a bit rushed and it's fairly straight-line. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

LC mentions that the ending leaves room for interpretation. I disagree, but think it's a good idea. Maybe consider: you see him aim the gun, but only hear the shot (over black) or... leave the shooting out... finish with both aiming the gun at each other.

Thanks for sharing.

Yep, PK, maybe it's not as ambiguous as I first thought.

I think Luther copped it.
Unless, Meg did a last minute duck and swerve to protect Luther and in the crossfire she copped it. But that's not in the script.

Be a nice shock twist though.  

I like the premise but it needs to be cleaned up to make it flow a bit better (for me, anyway). The photo (3rd variable?) being five years old didn't make sense. If she was five in the photo, then yes. Or were the Rx pills the 3rd variable? They would've helped his mental issues (maybe) and be the problem solver?

Decent ending. Maybe have her diving to protect Luther when cutting to black. That would put all three in harms way.

Good job, writer.

Hi blanco,

I don’t have too much to say here. It definitely ticks the boxes.

It’s an interesting set-up and there’s a great pay off. Well written.

A nicely written story. Definitely estranged.

Good luck.

Thanks for the notes, all! I'll be doing some cleanup work. I've got a director friend who wants to practice filming a simple, super intense scene, and I had that in mind when I wrote this... so, it's not exactly a complete story.

I took LC's comment regarding the ending and am running with it. I'll be changing it to add ambiguity, as these types of interactions can end in so many different ways... some of them tragic... which is obviously what I was trying to highlight.

I'll also be cleaning up some of the dialogue, and taking a look at how I handle the photo, as that led to confusion for a few of the readers. (From her point of view: It's supposed to be a statement on how rough the last 5 years have been on her... so bad that she doesn't even look like herself anymore. From the Father's point of view: the confusion is supposed to simply be his mental illness.)

I liked this story. I thought it might have been a nice twist if she really was FBI/CIA - or - people WERE out to get the old man. Ha. But that's hard to do in a short. Good luck with it.