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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  Pumpkinseeds - OWC
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  Author    Pumpkinseeds - OWC  (currently 5451 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2010, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pumpkinseeds by Darren J Seeley (darrenjamesseeley) - Short, Horror - A wheelchair bound man and his best friend are kidnapped by the witch Baba Yaga. They all go for a little death ride in her newly acquired walking house.  - pdf, format


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Don  -  October 15th, 2010, 10:58pm
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Murphy
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 12:35am Report to Moderator
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Darren, this was interesting, a really great visual script, brilliantly written, but a story I am struggling to really understand. It is probably gonna need another read later to get my head around it fully. So I may come back and add some more thoughts.

It was written well though, Your description of what was on screen was well thought out and made it simple for me to picture everything clearly. I can imagine this on screen, it was quite cinematicall really.

Like I said I will not comment on the story until I read again later, but for now, this is a solid piece of work and a great entry. You of course nailed the critera.

Nice one.
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screenrider
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:43am Report to Moderator
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Sorry, Darren, but this one didn't do much for me.  And honestly I can't even come up with a reason as to why.   It just didn't fly.  On a positive note, I really enjoyed your full-length feature "The Cherry Vine".


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Baltis.
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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I hated the title page and the use of FADE IN: on the right ledger was off putting.  Very amateurish.   The type face is very bold, I don't know exactly what it is about it but it makes everything blur to me.  It's a hard read being this dark to me.  I don't know why...  But those little quibbles aside here goes.

Very visual and written with exception.  Anything but amateurish like your title page and right ledge FADE IN: would have me believe.  Very abstract story with a tremendous wealth of depth for a 10 pager.  One of my favorite entries thus far... About on par with Phil's offering, and that's saying something.  I'd do away with the title page font and that damn FADE IN: on the right, though.  "ha"

5th script down.
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mcornetto
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:07am Report to Moderator
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I think this had a lot going for it.  The imagery was excellent.  Loved the stuff with the house moving back and forth - or when the lightning was in time with her walking - or when the pumpkin bounced behind her.  I also thought you had  a pretty good story going there.

However, I think this suffered for length.  I really didn't know enough about Aaron to care about his plight - much less to know if he was a pure spirit of not.  This needs to be relayed in some way to the reader.   If your ending hinges on a personality trait then you need to show us that trait.  I don't think you did.   More elaboration on his relationship with his friends that were there is needed as well.

Also, I found some of the prose a bit difficult to understand.  There were some instances where you got a bit too creative with how you worded things - see notes below.  I also found the ending (the last two action blocks) very hard to understand.  I sort of have the feeling I get it but I don't feel certain about it and I don't think you meant of it to be ambiguous.

Overall. Well done.  

Here's my notes:

A few streaks of moonlight peeks <-- should be peek.

who has a young twenty something woman's face sewn on to her head. <-- where her face should be?  Like a hat?

Aaron shouts under his gag. It comes out intelligible. <-- His shout comes out intelligible? What's he saying?

I forgiven the driver who smacked <-- I've

Why does the house suddenly obey him?
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stevie
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:03am Report to Moderator
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Yeah, this was like an acid trip of a script - not that I've taken acid, mind you...

I remember reading about Baba Yaga in my youth - we had this book of Russian folk tales)meant for kids oddly...some of the shit was scary) and the hut that had chicken legs used to frrak me right out!

Very visual, as mentioned and could be a good animation. It needs more of a story and maybe cut a couple of pages of description off.

Anway, well done for getting it done and its the most 'horrifc' one so far.


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Violent Josh
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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I'm siding with stevie on this one. A fine short to watch while abusing illicit substances.

I really enjoyed your action blocks. Very visual. No problems there. It would probably shoot longer than read however. If anything, trim a little off.


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c m hall
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 8:23am Report to Moderator
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Very interesting images but reads more like a short story than a screenplay, I think, and it could work well as prose.
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Trojan
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 10:53am Report to Moderator
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Not the easiest story to follow, was a bit of a tough read to be honest. Partly due to me not knowing anything about who this witch is or the legend behind it, and partly to the annoying bold font you have used. Put a strain on my eyes trying to read it.

I though the writing was really good in some places, and pretty average in others. The ending felt like it might have been a bit rushed in comparison to the earlier scenes. Well done on completing the challenge though.

Cheers,
Tim.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:25am Report to Moderator
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DJ,

Good on you for completing the one week challenge!
I love the imagery here and the attention to detail.
This one would make a fine animation or CG filled live action short.
The bloke in the stove was very cool. Its nice to see the creative suffering.

I was unclear as to how Aaron was able to influence the house.
Considering the gooey ending you chose, perhaps Aaron should be more of an antag.
Since he tries to take over her magick, perhaps he's an upstart demon or something.
Thanks lots for the nifty read!

Regards,
E.D.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Not sure what the 'bold font' is about. It is an unbolded 12 point courier. I double checked.

By the way, thanks for all the comments so far, to everyone. Even before the deadline closed, I probably will expand this a little bit. I know exactly where I want to take it.



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dogglebe
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:38am Report to Moderator
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I had to read this script twice; the first time, I thought I missed something.  The story seems to be lacking something; I'm not sure what.

Your descriptive imagery was great.  I did enjoy that.  You created a very nice little world in this house, from the seeded walls to the hands coming out of the floor and the oven.

I think a rewrite would really improve this script.  Tighten it up a little bit.  Maybe even shorten it a page or so.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Darren. congrats on completing an OWC script as quickly as you did.

I see some goods and some bads within.

I am not familiar with the source material, but did look it up quickly on Wiki.  I'm wondering if some/all of your imagery and creative imagination came from the actual source stories?  If so, not so good...if not, there are some good visuals, imagery, and imagination on display.

As others have commented, the font you chose is difficult on the eyes.

Your "style" is very novelistic, and as others have said, this reads more like a short story than a script to me.  And as others said, it is a tough read any way you look at it.

There are some well written passages and some poorly written passages, including a lots of really awkward phrasing.

There are a number of typos and grammar issues, but the worst one has to be "motar? instead of "mortar".  Also, watch your orphans, especially when space is so important.

I think your story suffered because you chose not to utilize all 10 pages for some reason...and you sure needed them here, as there is obviously alot of back-story that we don't get, and don't understand.

So, I have mixed feelings here as there are definitely positives and negatives.  I think I remember you saying you submitted this quickly...if that's the case, it was a mistake, as there are plenty of issues you could have/should have cleaned up.

A good effort for a tough OWC, by any means.  Good job.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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greg
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 3:28pm Report to Moderator
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Darren,

I first read this late last night and didn't really get it.  I just read it again and I'm still kind of lost.  From what I gathered it's visually excellent, but this was a hard read for me to get through, as I just felt there was a lack of direction and depth.  Or maybe there was too much of it?  I'm not really sure, but that's all I've got.  An impressive feat to put all of that into 10 pages in under a week, though.  Good effort.

Greg


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khamanna
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 4:15pm Report to Moderator
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I grew up listening and watching BabaYaga stories. BabaYaga lives in a special house. Her house stands on two chicken legs which allow it to move in any direction.

Here's a glimpse for the others:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=caOVqzfubBQ&feature=related

pumpkins and pumpkin seed - doesn't mix with BabaYaga for me, but guess it's just me.

The middle of it is a bit chatty (p5) for me and their talk lacks direction for some reason...or maybe I missed it.

Overall I enjoyed the story and you build the suspense well, I think.
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