Thanks for the read everyone, well nearly everyone.

Let me start by saying that although I think I have even called this a pistake myself, I am not sure it really is a pistake. That is I was attempting to take the piss out of the OWC nor the writers of more "serious" scripts. In fact I think I nailed the criteria of the OWC better than some of the entries I have read so far.

What this is though is me just wanting to have a little fun and try something different. I read something recently that suggested a good method for learning to write scripts was to try and write something in the style of a pro writer you like, just as an excercise. So this did start out as a horror short in the style of Shane Black, but very quickly evolved into more of a parody of that "Look at me, I'm the writer" style of writing that got popular a while back. Of course I soon remembered that Robotard had already done this so thought what the Hell, might as well go the whole hog.

I must say however that this short, while enjoyable to write, has still had some work put into it. It is not a pisstake in the sense that I just threw it together without a care, I have attempted to write a good, zom-com story amongst all the shlock. On that note I was very pleased that many seem to have at least recognised that, thank you very much for seeing that and your reviews are appreciated.

Thanks.

Here "Maggie PANICS...nearly SHITS herself. The house is so old it will be devoured by flames in an moment." - I don't know what I'm supposed to see on screen. However the first two pages were rich in description. I enjoyed your descriptions but I couldn't wait to get to the meat - so thinking 2 whole pages is too much for just a scenery set up.

On page 4 you have a strange note and I'm wondering if I should stop because I don't want to read a joke script. Cause if it is why you would need the comments at all?

I'm waiting to see how her little fire pays off.

I'm not left in suspense and I still have no idea what's it going to be about. I'm on page 5 and there's no conflict (sorry to say but I don't see one). Jack, the idiot is a lot of fun but you did not milk him enough. I think you could.

This seemed like it's about nothing. Maybe once I'll try to write something like this, a joke entry, I guess writing a really good joke entry is possible but very hard, much harder than all these serious stories.

Murphy,

Definitely with Phil on this one. Though, I did read the whole thing. Still, I didn't like it. If your gonna write a pisstake, it better be so funny I'm gonna laugh eventhough I don't want to.

Shit like this is why I didn't get into the last OWC. ON the other hand, I chuckled a few times. So I won't crucify it. The rat humping the dead hand was the highlight for me. After that, not much else worked.

I get pissed when I rack my brain all week trying to come up with an idea to fit the challenge. Hopefully not too many more of these. Or I my go Jwentotard and Don's delete button will be smoking.

James

Cheers for the read anyhow James, I certainly don't expect it to be liked by all, but appreciate the read all the same.

Thanks

Murphy,

Did you write this by any chance?  Read it if you haven't heard of it.  It's quite funny.  This thing reads just like it.

I laughed a few times during this.  Not LOL but there were some humorous moments, such as Stephen Hawking's involvement.  The main problem is that most of the humor is actually in your descriptions of things rather than the action.  If this were ever filmed it would be really weird.  I mean, it's kinda hard to convert a radio controlled car driven by Lindsay Lohan to real life.  

But I guess it does what you wanted it to do so I'll say it's nice for what it is.

Greg

Murphy,

There are parts of this that I liked, but I guess i line up on the side of those who thought it was overkill on the asides and parody.
I liked the story best when I thought the parody was going to settle on some campy horror.  Such as when Jack and Maggie return as zombies.  What I pictured was Stephen Hawking gunning his electric wheelchair from room to room to evade the zombies.  By the way, I liked the introduction of Hawking.  But not the Michael Jackson bit.
I see this story as a testament to strong writing skills, having fun and skinny-dipping on the dark parody side.  The story didn't grab me, but it felt like you put some time into it.  So it was not a wasted read.
Good effort and an interesting return.

Cheers.

Looks like the deleters have been at it again.

Too bad.  This isn't a bad script.  It is funny.  It succeeds in what it sets out to do.  Credit should be given to Murph where credit is due.

If people don't like reading pissers, they shouldn't.  No one's is making anyone read anything they don't want to.

Not going to talk about story, characters, etc. Because this is a great pisser, laughed a few times. But waaaaay too many asides.


Herman

There's something to be said about a rat that "almost pukes." Yeah, that's right. It was funny.

There's also something to be said about "pus" misspelled as "puss." Always makes for an amusing change of context... usually gross too.

You almost lost me with the hump and fart gags though. Ah, those two... always at the bottom of the barrel, aren't they?

For a while, I thought this was going to be the most well-written pisser I'd ever read. I mean, despite the amount of liberties you took, the writing was still pretty descriptive and interesting. If you'd have opted for intentionally bad writing, I would've dropped this right off the bat.

The "vegetables" joke... yeah, that was funny. Sorry.

And then... you know, if you wanted to write something completely retarded, you could've made the whole script like the last three pages.

The "Thriller" bit was kinda, sorta, a tad, not really but maybe a little funny. But when I said hump and fart jokes were the bottom of the barrel... I lied.

Random celebrity appearances are. Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer would be proud...

Okay, maybe that was a little harsh... but wouldn't they?

Seriously though, what with the rat and the presence of over three human characters, you obviously weren't so happy about the OWC guidelines. And yet, it's like I said. The writing wasn't nearly as awful as you might think. If you wanted to write a pisser, why didn't you go all out and write something that was 100% feces?

Cheers James, glad some of it gave you a chuckle.

Have to pull you up on the guidelines though, nowhere did Don say we were limited to three characters. The criteria was for three actors. I think I did meet the challenge, although admit the rat might be a grey area.  

Hello Gary,

This is one of the most entertaining reads I've had the pleasure of reading in a long time.

I love this script.  What a fun read.  So quirky, odd & wonderful at the same time.

I'd love to see this get made just for the hell of it.

All the best,


Javier

1 - Story: Uhh... Yeah.
2 - Filmable & Budget: LOL! Nope. No one would spend a dime to salvage this.
3 - Horror & Audience: Horror only as in "WTH were you thinking?". The author would be the only audience. This isn't even good as an example of bad.  No date reference fail.
4 - Technicals & Format: Your spell checker works just fine!
5 - Title & Logline: The title is the best part of the story! Logline actually looks interesting.
General Comments:
A -  Should Don agree to an April Fools Day pisstake OWC I'll definitely be referencing this piece (of sh!te).
B - I can tell by the way you write that you have some brains in your head, I just can't fathom why you'd spend the time on this or submit it. I'm at a loss.
C - Favorite action and dialog:
The wheelchair STOPS dead in its tracks.
                 STEPHEN HAWKING [ELECTRONIC VOICE]
         Oh, fuck my life.
LOL! Honestly. I did.

Gary,

Um... well, weird.    Seem to be echoing the board on this one, but I agree with the posters that say that you've "outperformed your subect matter."  You're literally too good for this script, and though you tried to hide by having a complete mental breakdown after page 3, it's clear from the beginning that you know what you're doing.  

You start with AWESOME description of some very interesting visuals, following the rat as he brings to light all of these discoveries for us... the blood, the hand, the money, etc.  I was hopeful at that point that I was in for more interesting visuals, a good story, perhaps something scary or a twist...  But then you gave us what you gave us.  For some reason you introduce Stephen Hawking, okay...  His backstory, and hell, his mere presence is somewhat unconventional, but hey, that's what makes it interesting.  Next thing I knew, everyone was a zombie and they were dancing and singing a song, the rights to which would cost far more than all of the CGI and practical gore effects in your production combined.

And that's not the weirdest part...  The weirdest part?  Why the hell is there a Jack-o-lantern in an abandoned house?  As far as I can tell, either the house has only been abandoned for a few days or the bank robbers brought it with them...  Just joking with you.    It was a fun and interesting read overall (I won't go into your "asides" which I'm sure you know would get you laughed at by any producer or director looking at your script, though as a general reader I'll admit they were pretty funny) and based on your opening, I'd like to read something of yours that takes itself more seriously.

-Brian K. Millard

I think I agree with a lot of people here. It was annoying, stupid, over-written, but clever in certain places. A couple things had me chuckling which bodes well because I don't like pisstakes. Never have, probably won't, either.

Not much to say that hasn't already been covered, you know? Just... good luck. =)

Haha, a good laugh. Lacked direction in parts, seemed like you were just writing the first things to come into your head. Went a bit over the top with the final act, no need for this really.

I'll agree with others that you definitely have some talent writing. A fun read, hope there arn't too many like it but if so hope their as good as this was.