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------------- You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take. - Wayne Gretzky
Posted: October 16th, 2010, 11:17pm
This is the third or fourth script I read where one of the characters was just a mindless prop. Not sure if I like this trend...
This was a good read, one that would benefit from a rewrite and tightening. Your characters were simple enough, yet developed. The story read more like a tragic tale involving the supernatural than horror, but it was good.
This was a good read. Very vivid and haunting imagery as well as finely tuned characters for such a small piece (and pretty deep considering the length). Pretty emotionally charged piece too, which is also very challenging for such a short page count, but that also, I think, makes this one all the more solid.
I like your writing style. Sparse and straightforward, with very few unnecessary words. Extremely vivid.
I'm glad you mentioned the occult in your logline, otherwise I would have had no clue what happened to David. Unless I'm wrong, you deliberately kept things a little murky to leave the reader to fill in the details. I have no problems with that. But, I do wish you could have dropped a few more hints about this occult angle. The mortar and pestle thing. And how and why David's sister got into it. I also found Blake's role in the story a bit confusing.
This was an unusual, esoteric take on the challenge. Well done.
Hi Julio, well done with the script - the characters seemed really well developed and you managed to pack a fair amount of believable emotion into such a short page count. I also really liked the whole idea of the glass rain - very creative!
I think the story development is excellent and the horror element is vivid, but I wasn't clear about what the original purpose of Carrie's concoction was -- the way it's described seems more intense than "dabbling".
Congrats on completing the one week challenge! I have to say this is one of my favorites so far that I have read. I like the title, the action moves well and your description is economical and effective. Your imagery here is strong and you touch on all the contest requirements.
Glass Rain would be even better with a rewrite. Its unclear what happened with David, if not for the occult reference in your logline. I want more of a connection with the trio. Was David close to the pair? It seems Blake didn't really have any opinion about David, missed drama there.
The end did not measure up with the rest of your superior story. The pair separate and she tries to make things right on her own. Lovers in conflict, a dark and story night with a gun. It needs more.
That being said, this is a very solid effort! Thanks for the read!
LATEST NEWS CineVita Films is producing a short based on my new feature!
One thing I gotta say is I wish you'd have spaced this out a bit more. When I read a script I like to see spaces between scene headers. It just makes for a more comfortable read. You weren't in jeopardy of going over page length, as this one came in at 7 total pages -- 1 for title and another that is just blank... So I'd go back and re-space it at some point.
Anyways, your writing, and this is a shock to me because so many entries are so well written, is very good. Distinctive and clever. You can visualize everything that's going down and that's good.
I think Phil is right, as usual, with having a wasted character who does nothing but serve as filler.
You got a word missing on page 6
"She tries laugh again" should have "TO" before it. No big deal.
I think, and another said this too, this was an emotionally driven piece. I think the 1st 4 pages have a lot of depth to them. The probelms exchanged and the comfort displayed is written without compare. Very good.
You nailed it. Nothing really wrong here. All the errors I can see are what others have pointed out- one missing word. I also agree that a little white space never hurts. Everything else is top notch. I liked the mood, the style. Good job.
Wow, you guys, thanks for reading. I really wasn't expecting such overwhelmingly good comments. That being said, the criticisms you've all provided are spot on.
Phil -- I understand what you're saying. I did try, several times, to give David more character, but I felt like nothing really "clicked" within the confines of the exercise. In the end, I figured showing his state after the incident would have been more powerful. But you are correct -- in retrospect, I should have fleshed him out a bit more.
Screenrider & Greg -- Yeah, as Phil first mentioned, the story does have a strong tragic element to it. I didn't want it to overshadow the Horror though -- still not sure if I succeeded or failed in that area!
Stevie -- I did consider going more in-depth about the effects of the witchcraftand how it was done. It really wasn't a "spell" in the sword and sorcery sense of the word -- it was an alchemical formula, hence the visquous liquid. Occult, but not "necessarily" magical. The only reason I didn't go into it so much is because I know fuck - all about witchcraft, so I felt in the back of my mind that anything I came up with would have ended up sounding rather hokey.
Thanks for the kind words, Ryan (*SPOILERS*); Blake was meant to be the kind of guy who would have gone to great lengths to help his girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he'd be able to still love her after what she'd done to David, so he bailed after the thing was done with.
SteveUK, CMHall, and Grademan -- wow! Thank you for the compliments. And CM, don't most movies almost always portray "dabbling", as in even just scraping the surface of the occult, to be disastruous? I didn't think it was a big deal.
Electric -- Thanks for the read. I agree with you. Of all my OWC scripts, this is truly the one I feel would benefit from both a rewrite and an extension.
Balt -- Believe it or not, I am the exact same way! I always like to see two spaces between scenes! I'm picky like that, haha. I was just trying a new screenwriting program which I've not entirely gotten the hang of yet. It's called "Script It," kind of like the "lite" version of Movie Outline (a good program in and of itself). I've been using Celtx and Sophocles for a while, but I am forced to exploit Sophocles's trial version due to its website no longer being active to download the full version! I'm saving my money up for either Final Draft or Movie Magic to hopefully buy one of the "definitive" industry-standard programs in the future.And thanks for pointing out all those typos. Sometimes the smallest things like that are the hardest ones to spot.
Thank you for reading Malcolm, Darren, and Ripley. Haha, and I know what you mean Rip; I only mentioned it in dialogue because I actually had the exact same dream mentioned in the script once, and when I mentioned it to my sister she stared at me like: o_0