Glass Rain by Julio Weigend (reaper creeper) - Short, Horror - A brother's been fatally mutated due to his sister's dabbling into the occult. What is to be done? - pdf, format

This is the third or fourth script I read where one of the characters was just a mindless prop.  Not sure if I like this trend...

This was a good read, one that would benefit from a rewrite and tightening.  Your characters were simple enough, yet developed.  The story read more like a tragic tale involving the supernatural than horror, but it was good.


Phil

I liked it.  Very strange.  Surreal.  A truly tragic situation.  

Good job.

Julio,

This was a good read.  Very vivid and haunting imagery as well as finely tuned characters for such a small piece (and pretty deep considering the length).  Pretty emotionally charged piece too, which is also very challenging for such a short page count, but that also, I think, makes this one all the more solid.

Good story and good work.

Greg

Nice work, Julio. This is probaly the script with the purest horror in it (well, unless you count Cornie's cucumbers..)

I loved the imagery of the glass rain; even in the dialogue it evoked this awesome visual effect. The writing is very economical without losing any imaginative power for the reader.

One thing you might consider: the log mentions the occult has been responsible for the tragic events - i would perhaps have more detail into the actual 'spell' or invocation. Just MHO though...

Well done again!

stevie

Julio,

I like your writing style.  Sparse and straightforward, with very few unnecessary words.  Extremely vivid.  

I'm glad you mentioned the occult in your logline, otherwise I would have had no clue what happened to David.  Unless I'm wrong, you deliberately kept things a little murky to leave the reader to fill in the details.  I have no problems with that.  But, I do wish you could have dropped a few more hints about this occult angle.    The mortar and pestle thing.  And how and why David's sister got into it.  I also found Blake's role in the story a bit confusing.

This was an unusual, esoteric take on the challenge.  Well done.

Ryan

Hi Julio, well done with the script - the characters seemed really well developed and you managed to pack a fair amount of believable emotion into such a short page count.  I also really liked the whole idea of the glass rain - very creative!

I think the story development is excellent and the horror element is vivid, but I wasn't clear about what the original purpose of Carrie's concoction was -- the way it's described seems more intense than "dabbling".

Julio.

Liked the style. Lots. King of the one word action line. Story was good though the end confused me.

Gary

Julio,

Congrats on completing the one week challenge!
I have to say this is one of my favorites so far that I have read.
I like the title, the action moves well and your description is economical and effective.
Your imagery here is strong and you touch on all the contest requirements.

Glass Rain would be even better with a rewrite.
Its unclear what happened with David, if not for the occult reference in your logline.
I want more of a connection with the trio. Was David close to the pair?
It seems Blake didn't really have any opinion about David, missed drama there.

The end did not measure up with the rest of your superior story.
The pair separate and she tries to make things right on her own.
Lovers in conflict, a dark and story night with a gun. It needs more.

That being said, this is a very solid effort! Thanks for the read!

Regards,
E.D.

One thing I gotta say is I wish you'd have spaced this out a bit more.  When I read a script I like to see spaces between scene headers.  It just makes for a more comfortable read.  You weren't in jeopardy of going over page length, as this one came in at 7 total pages -- 1 for title and another that is just blank... So I'd go back and re-space it at some point.

Anyways, your writing, and this is a shock to me because so many entries are so well written, is very good.  Distinctive and clever.  You can visualize everything that's going down and that's good.

I think Phil is right, as usual, with having a wasted character who does nothing but serve as filler.  

You got a word missing on page 6

"She tries laugh again"  should have "TO" before it.  No big deal.

I think, and another said this too, this was an emotionally driven piece.  I think the 1st 4 pages have a lot of depth to them.  The probelms exchanged and the comfort displayed is written without compare.  Very good.

Just SPACE THIS THING OUT!!!!  

You nailed it. Nothing really wrong here. All the errors I can see are what others have pointed out- one missing word. I also agree that a little white space never hurts. Everything else is top notch. I liked the mood, the style. Good job.

Julio,

This was good. Very vivid. Am I the only one, who wishes you'd have used the extra pages? A little more exposition would have been nice.

All in all, a very well written script, that lived up to the challenge. Bloody quick read.

One of the best.

Nice one.

Hey Julio,

SPOILERS

Tragic end. I love. Quick, good read. Good characters. Mentioning and explaining the title within the story kind of cheesy in my opinion. But other that, nice entry.

Hope this helps,
Gabe

Wow, you guys, thanks for reading. I really wasn't expecting such overwhelmingly good comments. That being said, the criticisms you've all provided are spot on.

Phil -- I understand what you're saying. I did try, several times, to give David more character, but I felt like nothing really "clicked" within the confines of the exercise. In the end, I figured showing his state after the incident would have been more powerful. But you are correct -- in retrospect, I should have fleshed him out a bit more.

Screenrider & Greg -- Yeah, as Phil first mentioned, the story does have a strong tragic element to it. I didn't want it to overshadow the Horror though -- still not sure if I succeeded or failed in that area!

Stevie -- I did consider going more in-depth about the effects of the witchcraftand how it was done. It really wasn't a "spell" in the sword and sorcery sense of the word -- it was an alchemical formula, hence the visquous liquid. Occult, but not "necessarily" magical. The only reason I didn't go into it so much is because I know fuck - all about witchcraft, so I felt in the back of my mind that anything I came up with would have ended up sounding rather hokey.

Thanks for the kind words, Ryan (*SPOILERS*); Blake was meant to be the kind of guy who would have gone to great lengths to help his girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he'd be able to still love her after what she'd done to David, so he bailed after the thing was done with.

SteveUK, CMHall, and Grademan -- wow! Thank you for the compliments. And CM, don't most movies almost always portray "dabbling", as in even just scraping the surface of the occult, to be disastruous? I didn't think it was a big deal.

Electric -- Thanks for the read. I agree with you. Of all my OWC scripts, this is truly the one I feel would benefit from both a rewrite and an extension.

Balt -- Believe it or not, I am the exact same way! I always like to see two spaces between scenes! I'm picky like that, haha. I was just trying a new screenwriting program which I've not entirely gotten the hang of yet. It's called "Script It," kind of like the "lite" version of Movie Outline (a good program in and of itself). I've been using Celtx and Sophocles for a while, but I am forced to exploit Sophocles's trial version due to its website no longer being active to download the full version! I'm saving my money up for either Final Draft or Movie Magic to hopefully buy one of the "definitive" industry-standard programs in the future.And thanks for pointing out all those typos. Sometimes the smallest things like that are the hardest ones to spot.

Thank you for reading Malcolm, Darren, and Ripley.  Haha, and I know what you mean Rip; I only mentioned it in dialogue because I actually had the exact same dream mentioned in the script once, and when I mentioned it to my sister she stared at me like: o_0

Thanks for reading, everybody!

--Julio

Hey Julio, congrats on completing an OWC script.

I guess I must have missed something, cause I don't get much of anything out of this, while everyone else seems to love it.  Not sure what to say...

I can't say I really love the writing style on display here either, but again, everyone else does, so it must be me.  This may hold the record for most orphans in a 6 page script.  There are many awkwardly phrased passages, IMO.  I am also not a fan of using a double dash, and you must have at least 10 of them here.

I'm sorry to be negative, but without the logline, I'd be completely clueless as to what's going on and why.  Even with it, I'm left scratching my head.

I can see there was alot of effort put in, so that's always cool.  Good job here!

Hi Julio,

Good effort on this one. Creative, intimate and really well written. It feel's like the final scenes of a much larger story but I think that's a good thing considering the length allowed.

I suppose my only gripe is Carrie's final decision - although I can also understand why she would do it. I'm also glad in a way as it allowed us to see her more sizzling moments.
Forgive me for perhaps being a little late to the party concerning the ending: at first I thought that it ended with David still being alive - and what an awful way to suffer that would be. But going over it again, it appears Carrie sacrificed her life in order to give David his back?

All in all, it reads quick, has a nice atmosphere and what more can I say other than I enjoyed it.

One quick catch on page 1: Thunder gives light - should be lightning gives light.

Good job!

Malc

Quoted Text Thunder gives light - should be lightning gives light.

Ah, right. You can only hear thunder, right?

Quoted Text Forgive me for perhaps being a little late to the party concerning the ending: at first I thought that it ended with David still being alive - and what an awful way to suffer that would be. But going over it again, it appears Carrie sacrificed her life in order to give David his back?

lol. Naw, man; the ending is actually completely devoid of all sort of hope. She wanted to suffer as much as he did instead of taking the easy way out, so she put the "lotion" on herself and "killed herself" with the rain. Then we learn that David did not die from the shot to the head, thus implying that he's become an immortal type of zombie. So Carrie is actually going to suffer eternally with those scars all over her body, and so will David.  But your interpretation was a good one, and I believe it might work either way.

Sorry you didn't like it, Dreamscale; but it was inevitable. I actually don't like getting unanimously rave reviews, to be honest. I think the beauty and crux of something as expansive as cinema is that you can never, ever please everybody. Though, to be totally honest with you, I thought the mortar & pestle on the floor and David's condition would have been more than just a small hint as to "what was going on?" I've always thought that short pieces, be they short stories or short films, benefit more from ambiguity than closure; at least some of the time. I learnt that from the Books of Blood.

I use the double-dash all the time and will continue to do so. It's been my stylistic choice to use it since as long as I can remember (and as often as possible when precision is needed such as in scripts); and if King and Barker use it, it must be right. LOL.

Thank you both for reading.

--Julio

Cool, haha, I think the way you ended it was the best way so thanks for clearing that up.

I thoroughly enjoyed this screenplay. It's one of my favorites so far. My only issue is that I have no idea about the background based solely on the script. The logline answered some questions I would have had if the only thing I saw was the script. If you had found a way to clarify it better with exposition, it would've probably been the best entry to this OWC.

-Trent

I enjoyed this one, Julio, but correct me if I'm wrong. Did you intend to keep the dynamics of this ritual or whatever it was in the dark? It's clearly you have it figured out somehow. Nothing about it seems inconsistent. But I didn't quite get it. I actually kinda liked that as it adds a mystery to the occult aspect but perhaps this wasn't your intention? Just bringing it to your attention in any case. If this was your intent, I've got no problem with it.

That said, I did think David was more or less a lifeless prop as someone else mentioned. The dream was cool and gave some insight into his character (as well as the title) but nothing really came from him.

I also thought the dialogue could be stronger. It was direct and natural, more or less, but I feel like you could've made some better word choices. For example, Blake's response "I don't" to Carrie's "I love you" was important but I just wished he'd said it in a different way. It's true but the response is so cold and it seems like he wanted to help her somehow. I think he would've liked to communicate this just the same but not in the way he does.

I liked the ending. The element of self-sacrifice is very intriguing to me and I appreciated its usage here.

Not bad, overall.

I really liked the writing and the tone but I'm afraid I did not fully understand it. I'm thinking perhaps their best costume game took too far?

But was "help you and David" about then... I did not understand what Blake's part was, then maybe I should not over think it. Maybe it's the mix of serious and dramatic with the funny plot that doesn't let me fully understand it or maybe I just need to read it for the second time.

The atmosphere is great, I was curious about "why" and "what" throughout.

Quoted Text I enjoyed this one, Julio, but correct me if I'm wrong. Did you intend to keep the dynamics of this ritual or whatever it was in the dark? It's clearly you have it figured out somehow. Nothing about it seems inconsistent. But I didn't quite get it. I actually kinda liked that as it adds a mystery to the occult aspect but perhaps this wasn't your intention? Just bringing it to your attention in any case. If this was your intent, I've got no problem with it.

That was the intent. It sounds like a cop-out, probably, but it's the truth. I don't think a short piece should delve *too* much into things, specially a Horror one. If it had been a feature or a longer short, I probably would have gone more into it.

Khamanna -- it seems the ambiguity of the piece is both its greatest strength and flaw, gathering from the comments I've received on it. But thank you for reading.

--Julio

Julio,

Pretty good OWC. Thought the actual glass rain was cool. That last scene where she walks out into the rain and dies could look very cool on film.

I thought that, whatever she played with, brought about your worst nightmares. to life. Thought thats what you were trying to set-up. But, then she would've had a different horrific death. Different nightmare. All in all, pretty cool.

Good OWC entry.

James

I thought this would look really good on film, some of it quite grotesque.   You definitely have a voice when you write.  Format wise, though, I didn't like how you used --, but other than that the action blocks were well done.   The dialogue was just adequate though and you could probably use a bit of work there.

But despite the glitter, the issue I found here was that the story lacked substance.  I can tell you had something deeper going on in your mind but it didn't quite make it to the page and so it left the script feeling a bit empty.  I would try to make the story clearer to the reader.  

Good job though.  

Julio,

you have really grown as a writer and it is a pleasure for me to see how writers, especially young ones mature and learn to master the craft. You did a really good job with this one.

I would have liked to know a little more about how this whole occult thing started. At least a hint towards it. Would also have liked to see, Blake showing a little more emotion before he shoots David. Another question for me was, why are they in this abandoned house? You call it David's bedroom, but the house is bare. No furnitures or anything. You also mention their mother so I'm assuming they live in some other house somewhere and therefore I want to know why they ended up in this house.

Very good work Julio. You should be proud of yourself.  

I think this is very creative and original. The concept of glass rain makes me squirm.

However, I have problems with the way you tell the story. I'm not sure what Carrie and Blake were trying to do in the beginning. Were they planning on killing David to stop his pain? I also didn't understand why Carrie had to sacrifice herself at the end.

The relationship between Carrie, David, and Blake was not fully described either. I know David is Carrie's brother, but I think I got that from you logline. It just feels weird Carrie would let her boyfriend kill her own brother.

This is very surreal. And I wish I could like it more.


Herman

1 - Story: Wow. That was weirdly nice. Excellent.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Fairly easy to film
3 - Horror & Audience: Good supernatural body horror. Likely an R rating. Audience that likes somber, creepy story will dig it. A complete story, which is appreciated. Hit all the challenge requirements except establishing date.
4 - Technicals & Format: Good on both. I like your staccato pace. Turn off the dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Good creepy title, but it's foundation needs to be underscored in the story rather than two brief mentions.. The information in the logline needs to be established in the story, at risk of exposition.
General Comments:
A - It ends too quick, even though it is a horror and it is a complete story. Still...
B - Character continuity and dialog are good, although Blake's relationship needs better establishment.
C - To punch up the horror you'll have to have more interaction with David, perhaps begin with the creation or worsening of his condition through Carrie's actions. Have him utter a heartbreaking plea of "H3ll...h3ll... helllp me.... P-please...."  Maybe have her give the magic one last try, making a reeeeal horrible mess of it before David and Carrie start crying as Blake pops his head open like a melon. Typically some sort of horrible sacrifice is exchanged for a goal in occultism. This feeds off primitive human needs to acknowledge guilt for something.
D - To really nail a tragedy, fabricate some sort of overt exchange of David's dreams to Carrie's reality in her doomed attempt to save or rectify her transgressions upon her little brother and/or bring to the story HOW David's dreams became reality through Carrie's fooling around.

Thanks again, people.

Jwent, that's a good idea; why didn't I think of that?

Cornetto: Yeah, it was kind of vague. It was intentional but I think I went overboard.

Thanks for the kind words, Pia. And I only called it "David's bedroom" because David was there, and would remain there until the story was finished. lol. It wasn't actually his own private bedroom.

Herman: They were planning on killing him from the start. I alluded to David being her brother in dialogue. Carrie didn't sacrifice herself: she tried to commit suicide over grief.

Thanks for reading, Ray. I like the way you format your reviews, haha. Very insightful.


--Julio

Well done, Julio. I liked the dark and creppy mood of this tale. Nice visuals.

Like another reader already mentioned, I had to check the logline to fully understand what exactly happened.

I liked this, but I couldn't help but feel I was being left in the dark. This is a good thing (at first) when you want the reader to ask himself what the hell is going on. But after a few pages it becomes necessary to give the reader a bit more information in order to have him wondering what will happen next.

It's a tricky balance to achieve and I think this piece might be a little too mysterious. Still, it made me want to know more, and that's also a good thing.

Anyhow, a nice take on the challenge. Thanks for sharing.  

Gracias, Zeta

I agree with you. I think I did go overboard on the ambiguity.

--Julio

Congrats, Julio.  Nice to see a little recognition for one of our resident horror writers who has been toiling in the craft for some time.  You are improving, with both the pace and the economy of your writing.  I liked your use of short sentences here.  And I enjoyed the tale.

You do need to do something about the disconnect between your logline and your script, but I think it is an easy fix, remedied with the addition of a few more simple props.

If they are doing witchy stuff, you should add a few more witchy props.  The mortar and pestle alone are not enough -- and they are quite small, without much visual impact.  Perhaps add a book with ancient runes, or have David sitting in a pentagram drawn on the floor, with candles at the points.  Things like that.

You do not need to be an expert in witchcraft to add a few ominous details that suggest the occult.  You are a horror writer, for pete's sake. You know the drill.

The other question I had was why they were undertaking this ritual in the first place.  Was it supposed to heal David?  Make him better?

Even if that was not your intent, I would suggest going that route, which you could accomplish with just a few lines of dialogue.  Carrie can say something like, "It was supposed to cure him, but instead..."  It would help make things all the more tragic.

For a nitpick, I would suggest that stomach and abdomen are pretty much the same thing, and I would add a different portion of the anatomy when Carrie spreads her goo.

You've got a nice, effective short here, Julio, and I was very pleased to read it.

Hello Julio,

I enjoyed this story.  It was different from the norm, although it did leave me wondering, why?  Why did David get shot?  I see it has something to do with witchcraft and wish you wrote more on David to flesh out his character.

Aside from that it was very visual which I enjoyed the most.

All the best,

Javier

enjoyed it, few typos but didn't notice at first read so it didn't effect the flow, good stuff.

I freakin' love this script.   Story-wise, the best OWC ever written, IMO.   Just had to revisit it.