Hey Julio, congrats on completing an OWC script.

I guess I must have missed something, cause I don't get much of anything out of this, while everyone else seems to love it.  Not sure what to say...

I can't say I really love the writing style on display here either, but again, everyone else does, so it must be me.  This may hold the record for most orphans in a 6 page script.  There are many awkwardly phrased passages, IMO.  I am also not a fan of using a double dash, and you must have at least 10 of them here.

I'm sorry to be negative, but without the logline, I'd be completely clueless as to what's going on and why.  Even with it, I'm left scratching my head.

I can see there was alot of effort put in, so that's always cool.  Good job here!

Hi Julio,

Good effort on this one. Creative, intimate and really well written. It feel's like the final scenes of a much larger story but I think that's a good thing considering the length allowed.

I suppose my only gripe is Carrie's final decision - although I can also understand why she would do it. I'm also glad in a way as it allowed us to see her more sizzling moments.
Forgive me for perhaps being a little late to the party concerning the ending: at first I thought that it ended with David still being alive - and what an awful way to suffer that would be. But going over it again, it appears Carrie sacrificed her life in order to give David his back?

All in all, it reads quick, has a nice atmosphere and what more can I say other than I enjoyed it.

One quick catch on page 1: Thunder gives light - should be lightning gives light.

Good job!

Malc

Quoted Text Thunder gives light - should be lightning gives light.

Ah, right. You can only hear thunder, right?

Quoted Text Forgive me for perhaps being a little late to the party concerning the ending: at first I thought that it ended with David still being alive - and what an awful way to suffer that would be. But going over it again, it appears Carrie sacrificed her life in order to give David his back?

lol. Naw, man; the ending is actually completely devoid of all sort of hope. She wanted to suffer as much as he did instead of taking the easy way out, so she put the "lotion" on herself and "killed herself" with the rain. Then we learn that David did not die from the shot to the head, thus implying that he's become an immortal type of zombie. So Carrie is actually going to suffer eternally with those scars all over her body, and so will David.  But your interpretation was a good one, and I believe it might work either way.

Sorry you didn't like it, Dreamscale; but it was inevitable. I actually don't like getting unanimously rave reviews, to be honest. I think the beauty and crux of something as expansive as cinema is that you can never, ever please everybody. Though, to be totally honest with you, I thought the mortar & pestle on the floor and David's condition would have been more than just a small hint as to "what was going on?" I've always thought that short pieces, be they short stories or short films, benefit more from ambiguity than closure; at least some of the time. I learnt that from the Books of Blood.

I use the double-dash all the time and will continue to do so. It's been my stylistic choice to use it since as long as I can remember (and as often as possible when precision is needed such as in scripts); and if King and Barker use it, it must be right. LOL.

Thank you both for reading.

--Julio

Cool, haha, I think the way you ended it was the best way so thanks for clearing that up.

I thoroughly enjoyed this screenplay. It's one of my favorites so far. My only issue is that I have no idea about the background based solely on the script. The logline answered some questions I would have had if the only thing I saw was the script. If you had found a way to clarify it better with exposition, it would've probably been the best entry to this OWC.

-Trent

I enjoyed this one, Julio, but correct me if I'm wrong. Did you intend to keep the dynamics of this ritual or whatever it was in the dark? It's clearly you have it figured out somehow. Nothing about it seems inconsistent. But I didn't quite get it. I actually kinda liked that as it adds a mystery to the occult aspect but perhaps this wasn't your intention? Just bringing it to your attention in any case. If this was your intent, I've got no problem with it.

That said, I did think David was more or less a lifeless prop as someone else mentioned. The dream was cool and gave some insight into his character (as well as the title) but nothing really came from him.

I also thought the dialogue could be stronger. It was direct and natural, more or less, but I feel like you could've made some better word choices. For example, Blake's response "I don't" to Carrie's "I love you" was important but I just wished he'd said it in a different way. It's true but the response is so cold and it seems like he wanted to help her somehow. I think he would've liked to communicate this just the same but not in the way he does.

I liked the ending. The element of self-sacrifice is very intriguing to me and I appreciated its usage here.

Not bad, overall.

I really liked the writing and the tone but I'm afraid I did not fully understand it. I'm thinking perhaps their best costume game took too far?

But was "help you and David" about then... I did not understand what Blake's part was, then maybe I should not over think it. Maybe it's the mix of serious and dramatic with the funny plot that doesn't let me fully understand it or maybe I just need to read it for the second time.

The atmosphere is great, I was curious about "why" and "what" throughout.

Quoted Text I enjoyed this one, Julio, but correct me if I'm wrong. Did you intend to keep the dynamics of this ritual or whatever it was in the dark? It's clearly you have it figured out somehow. Nothing about it seems inconsistent. But I didn't quite get it. I actually kinda liked that as it adds a mystery to the occult aspect but perhaps this wasn't your intention? Just bringing it to your attention in any case. If this was your intent, I've got no problem with it.

That was the intent. It sounds like a cop-out, probably, but it's the truth. I don't think a short piece should delve *too* much into things, specially a Horror one. If it had been a feature or a longer short, I probably would have gone more into it.

Khamanna -- it seems the ambiguity of the piece is both its greatest strength and flaw, gathering from the comments I've received on it. But thank you for reading.

--Julio

Julio,

Pretty good OWC. Thought the actual glass rain was cool. That last scene where she walks out into the rain and dies could look very cool on film.

I thought that, whatever she played with, brought about your worst nightmares. to life. Thought thats what you were trying to set-up. But, then she would've had a different horrific death. Different nightmare. All in all, pretty cool.

Good OWC entry.

James

I thought this would look really good on film, some of it quite grotesque.   You definitely have a voice when you write.  Format wise, though, I didn't like how you used --, but other than that the action blocks were well done.   The dialogue was just adequate though and you could probably use a bit of work there.

But despite the glitter, the issue I found here was that the story lacked substance.  I can tell you had something deeper going on in your mind but it didn't quite make it to the page and so it left the script feeling a bit empty.  I would try to make the story clearer to the reader.  

Good job though.  

Julio,

you have really grown as a writer and it is a pleasure for me to see how writers, especially young ones mature and learn to master the craft. You did a really good job with this one.

I would have liked to know a little more about how this whole occult thing started. At least a hint towards it. Would also have liked to see, Blake showing a little more emotion before he shoots David. Another question for me was, why are they in this abandoned house? You call it David's bedroom, but the house is bare. No furnitures or anything. You also mention their mother so I'm assuming they live in some other house somewhere and therefore I want to know why they ended up in this house.

Very good work Julio. You should be proud of yourself.  

I think this is very creative and original. The concept of glass rain makes me squirm.

However, I have problems with the way you tell the story. I'm not sure what Carrie and Blake were trying to do in the beginning. Were they planning on killing David to stop his pain? I also didn't understand why Carrie had to sacrifice herself at the end.

The relationship between Carrie, David, and Blake was not fully described either. I know David is Carrie's brother, but I think I got that from you logline. It just feels weird Carrie would let her boyfriend kill her own brother.

This is very surreal. And I wish I could like it more.


Herman

1 - Story: Wow. That was weirdly nice. Excellent.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Fairly easy to film
3 - Horror & Audience: Good supernatural body horror. Likely an R rating. Audience that likes somber, creepy story will dig it. A complete story, which is appreciated. Hit all the challenge requirements except establishing date.
4 - Technicals & Format: Good on both. I like your staccato pace. Turn off the dialog (CONT'D) feature.
5 - Title & Logline: Good creepy title, but it's foundation needs to be underscored in the story rather than two brief mentions.. The information in the logline needs to be established in the story, at risk of exposition.
General Comments:
A - It ends too quick, even though it is a horror and it is a complete story. Still...
B - Character continuity and dialog are good, although Blake's relationship needs better establishment.
C - To punch up the horror you'll have to have more interaction with David, perhaps begin with the creation or worsening of his condition through Carrie's actions. Have him utter a heartbreaking plea of "H3ll...h3ll... helllp me.... P-please...."  Maybe have her give the magic one last try, making a reeeeal horrible mess of it before David and Carrie start crying as Blake pops his head open like a melon. Typically some sort of horrible sacrifice is exchanged for a goal in occultism. This feeds off primitive human needs to acknowledge guilt for something.
D - To really nail a tragedy, fabricate some sort of overt exchange of David's dreams to Carrie's reality in her doomed attempt to save or rectify her transgressions upon her little brother and/or bring to the story HOW David's dreams became reality through Carrie's fooling around.

Thanks again, people.

Jwent, that's a good idea; why didn't I think of that?

Cornetto: Yeah, it was kind of vague. It was intentional but I think I went overboard.

Thanks for the kind words, Pia. And I only called it "David's bedroom" because David was there, and would remain there until the story was finished. lol. It wasn't actually his own private bedroom.

Herman: They were planning on killing him from the start. I alluded to David being her brother in dialogue. Carrie didn't sacrifice herself: she tried to commit suicide over grief.

Thanks for reading, Ray. I like the way you format your reviews, haha. Very insightful.


--Julio

Well done, Julio. I liked the dark and creppy mood of this tale. Nice visuals.

Like another reader already mentioned, I had to check the logline to fully understand what exactly happened.

I liked this, but I couldn't help but feel I was being left in the dark. This is a good thing (at first) when you want the reader to ask himself what the hell is going on. But after a few pages it becomes necessary to give the reader a bit more information in order to have him wondering what will happen next.

It's a tricky balance to achieve and I think this piece might be a little too mysterious. Still, it made me want to know more, and that's also a good thing.

Anyhow, a nice take on the challenge. Thanks for sharing.