Shadows by Malcom Bowman (scoob) - Short, Horror - A brother and sister extract their revenge on the man who abused them as children - but all is not what it seems... - pdf, format

Sorry Scoob, but this one just didn't do anything for me.  I thought it was a little unfocussed and the characters weren't developed enough to really keep me interested.

The opening pieces of dialog should've been credited to Ben and Lucy, not Male and Female.  What you did was, kinda, tell us that there were five characters in the script.


SPOILER SPACE

Your jack-o-lantern set up was not good as it was turning an act of revenge into some sort of ritualistic murder.  The doppleganger came out of left field, which didn't work at all.

Hope this helps.


Phil

Well written and suspenseful, but I must say I was disappointed with where you took it.

This is the second script I've read, but it is the better of the two.


SPOILERS

I didn't dig the haunted house vibe, even with the lame set up piece of dialogue from Lucy. I would have found the piece a lot more interesting if Ben and Lucy had been dead the whole time because Farnsworth not only abused them, but killed them. Their ghosts are exacting revenge. The haunted house bit seemed odd and didn't flow with the set up to me.

This was definitely scary and suspenseful. Classic haunted house stuff. Slightly disturbing -- a good Horror short. That being said, I do have to echo what Phil said. I felt the piece was extremely unfocused. Hell, it could have ended after Fansworth made his original "confession" as a torture piece, but then it kept going and you made the "this house is evil" thing; then we also get a doppleganger added in. It's too much for just ten minutes.

This could benefit from a rewrite or two, and perhaps a length extension.

--Julio

I thought this was a really good story. Could have used more space to flesh out the characters, but for the page limit and just a week to write this I thought you did really well.



***SPOILERS*****

I liked the idea of the doppelganger but felt it needed to be explained more. It seemed very original to me, so I wanted to know more of what the deal was with this house.

For most of the script I felt sorry for Farnsworth - he's served his time and been left in a wheelchair in jail for his crimes. If you're wanting us to be with Ben in his search for vengeance I would tell us what Farnsworth (or his clone) actually did to them.

Another solid entry.

Ste

Hello Malcolm,

Good on you for completing the challenge!
This script reads pretty well and has a decent flow and pacing.
You didn't spend your entire story in exposition and got some good action in there.

That being said, I didn't care much for Lucy and Ben.
They seemed interchangeable, always thinking alike.
Other than providing another body, I didn't see much need for siblings there.
At first I was sympathetic with Farnsworth, then it got a bit odd.
The doppelganger didn't work for me, kinda left field.
I think this story would have worked better as a straight up revenge horror story.

You have a good command of technical skills, keep up the good work!

Regards,
E.D.

Scoob,

I'm a bit of a fan of your writing. (Probably because you're another Malcolm)

This needs to be tightened up one hell of a lot. You still use a dozen words when two will do. I seem to remember having this conversation with you before.

All that being said. I really enjoyed this. I've read 6 or 7 of these now and this is a lot less cliche than most. You do seem to excel at the horror genre. An absolutely solid attempt. When you get a chance to do the re-write, spend a little time, this could be really good.

Keep em coming Scoob.

Malcolm, creative-wise this one just didn't grab me.  Compared to CM Hall's The Net Will Save You, ReaperCreaper's Glass Rain, two which I really liked, and even a couple of the pizztakes, it just didn't stand out enough.  Sadly, I'm gonna have to say the same thing about my entry.   This OWC has been an education.

Congrats on completeing an entry though.

Not a bad entry at all for a OWC. I was a little worried when you start off two generic names when it's simply Lucy and Ben talking. There's also a number of grammar errors in and around bits of dialog. (lack of apostrophes where needed). I was drawn in early on anyway, but I thought Farnsworth's clone (?) was too much of a cheap gag. I thought the script was fine without it. Maybe a few extra pages might help this thing out.

Characters for me were alright. Farnsworth is the standout. And hey - Jack O Lantern and Pumpkin action   Can't complain much about that.

-DjS

Hey, thanks guys for reading and dropping off your thoughts. Very grateful.
I'll get round to replying individually after I've read a few of everyone elses.

It looks as though the consensus is this is a weak entry, average at best, and that's a fair call. No excuses from my part.
It was still good fun to write under a deadline so I'm pleased to have written what is only my second short.

Thanks all!

Now I'm off to check out everyone elses, although if any of them scare me any more than Liverpool FC's performance earlier today I will be amazed!

I dunno... It's largely written well.  The idea is nailed down with precision.  It's just too sporadic at times.  I'm not saying this isn't an entertaining, and eye opening read.  It is.  It just seems you had 3 possible outcomes set up and you went with a very abstract one in the end. One I don't think I even understand fully.  I'll touch on that in a second, though.

Ben and Lucy seem as if they've done this before, with how paced and planned the ritual-like nature of some events  went down.  Plus the "Witching Hour is Nigh"... Yeah, I'd only use that if I was a licensed practitioner of the black arts.  

Anyways, the end it was alright.  I kind of see what you're trying to accomplish with Farnsworth, and maybe I'm wrong or maybe I'm right, I dunno... But it wasn't really him was it?  Like, the entity had already taken him.  I am increasingly more and more impressed with the level of quality the scripts have been.  I've read some worse than others, but not many that have been out and out bad.  This is solid, good, work.    

Hey scoob

Classica tale. No worries. I used one myself. But what this lacks is what Phil and another writer whose name escapes me now lacked in their script: explanation of why this is occuring on halloween. I would suggest extending it bit to explain. Other than that, it was suspenseful and a quick good read. Very Goosebump-esque.

Gabe

Hi Malc.

Ok, while I struggled to get into this, I reckon the basis is there for a decent script! The ingredients are there but its like you sort of rushed the middle and ending - deadline approaching maybe?
The premise of revenge is very workable - all it needs is a good re-write.

Well done on completing the challenge.

Cheers stevie

As far as horror goes, I think this one was my favorite thus far. I think with all your scripts, you've found the perfect balance between classic and contemporary horror. The atmosphere is straight out of gothic literature but the plot couldn't be more modern.

You actually did do a good job making Farnsworth sympathetic, given that he's a supposed pedophile at the start, and you definitely set up that something's not quite right about the whole situation so when the supernatural aspect's introduced, I don't think it's all that out of left field.

The razor in the apple was sick. Classic. What exactly did they have planned for this guy? At first, I thought they were going to burn him then I thought... waterboard him? Just curious, of course. Do I really want to know or would it be better not to?

Speaking of which, I loved the bit with the "babies." You don't see a thing and you'll never know what they actually saw for sure but with that one line, you just know it's absolutely grotesque. Excellent use of "less is more."

I liked the doppleganger but when he's introduced in the basement but the last scene just didn't do it for me. Can't really put my finger on it. I guess I got the feeling that whatever's in the house is actually worse than what awaits Farnsworth in prison so the whole "see you in twenty years" thing kinda fell flat for me. Also... twenty years? Two times in a row... Nah. Maybe there's a little too much certainty, familiarity perhaps, to be found at the end. Kinda diluted the mystery of it all.

Anyway, solid effort.

This is horrific an suspenseful and I really liked it.

I did feel a bit let down when I saw that it doesn't end up well. Not that I don't like the twist, I do like it and think it's original, but here evil wins over good and that's disturbing. It is like a fable that doesn't end well and I'm not used to this kind of fable.

I enjoyed it though. It just left me with mixed feelings - I really like it but I wish it doesn't end this way. Not that the ending doesn't work (which would be a totally different thing).

Hey Scoob, congrats on completing an OWC script.

Compared to the majority of the first 24 scripts, this isn’t bad at all, but it doesn’t do much for me either, and I really don’t understand the doppelganger ending at all.

Again, compared to the vast majority of scripts, your writing isn’t bad at all, but there are numerous issues.

You open up without a time of day in your Slug – not a good start.  EDIT – I don’t think you had a single time of day in any of your Slugs, which to me, is a big problem.

Lots of missing punctuation (mostly commas).

Lots of orphans.

Lots of awkward phrasing.

Lots of “Ben does this.”  “Lucy does that.”  Basically, what I’m saying is that the writing itself doesn’t come off as very entertaining.

Not bad at all, overall, but not great, either.

Take care.

Scoob, I didn't get a whole lot of tension in this. I think you need to intro the doppelganger a bit sooner. Let us know he's there. IN the darkness. Foreshadow that things will not bode well for Ben and Lucy.

I thought at first that farnsworth was just psychotic, and the clone was his split personality. I guess I was wrong. Good violence. Thought the writing was pretty good. Overall, pretty good OWC entry.

James

Scoob,

I thought the first half was quite good.  I questioned the razor blades in the apple, but generally I liked it.  The second half took me out of left field to be honest.  From the way the first few pages flowed, I figured this would be a story about revenge and justice, but then I think you tried to do too much with it with the echoes, the doppelganger, and what seemed like a several page chase through the house.  It just fell apart for me after page 5, sorry to say.

I think this could still be quite good with some revisions.  I'd bring in the doppelganger earlier and/or make it a pure revenge and justice story.

So overall I've got mixed feelings but nice job anyway.

Greg

Thanks to everyone, apologies to all ( for the clumpiness).

Dogglebe - Thanks for pointing out the MALE & FEMALE voices at the start. I got muddled up. Thought you weren't meant to introduce a characters voice until we had met the character first but can imagine the confusion that would cause if that were the case! Should've double checked but really I should know this by now.
Can understand the doppelganger hate. The ritual revenge thing was meant to be how it was albeit better written!  The way I looked at it was Ben was reenacting what had happened to him years ago by using the same set up, same room, same house. Only the abuse methods were different, he was now in control and it was now all on his terms.  A chance to revisit some old demons and finally kill them off. Or so he thought...
It should have been more a way of ridding the ghost so to speak for Lucy and not about getting a kick from the revenge but I didn't really go into that. I just wanted to keep things moving and didn't think I could afford much character backstory other than the necessities.

UsualSuspect - That's not a bad idea you have there about the ghosts. Probably would have worked a lot better if I'd have gone with that angle.

ReaperCreeper - I'll agree with you, I should have probably just gone the torture route and not added the rest. With hindsight, I would have written something a lot different. I think I personally lost the plot before I even wrote this thing. For some reason I thought the theme was "Things that go bump in the night!" So I thought I needed to add something supernatural.

Stebrown - Glad you felt some sympathy for Farnsworth. He was innocent. The thing that I've bodged up here is how I handled the whole doppelganger thing and revelation of the truth. And when I say bodged I mean seriously fucked it up!
ElectricDreamer - Thanks for kind words. I'll be honest and admit the only reason they were brother and sister was because it meant I wouldn't need to add two surnames to some of the dialogue!

Malcolm3 - Thanks again for kind words. Hope this won't put you off anything else I might churn out in future haha! And it shouldn't as we share the same name so there's a reason for everything I tried to compact this a lot, take out OTT descriptive writing, even dull it down,  but I guess I'm still using bad habits. Something I'll keep an eye on, thanks for the tips and read.

Screenrider - Thanks for the read. Appreciate it. I agree with you, there are a shed load of better entries than this and it has certainly been an education! Looking forward to checking yours out when it pops up

DarrenJamesSeeley - Thanks for the pumpkin love ha-ha And thanks for pointing out where the grammar mistakes are, I'm always missing those damn things.

Baltis - Thanks Balt. I'm pleased you found it entertaining, and agree it's also a bit of a mess. I guess my "explanation" about the ritual and why Ben and Lucy act like they do is kind of explained above as Phil also found it unrealistic and out of place. Without repeating the same thing, Ben and Lucy have dealt with their childhood abuse in different ways. Ben has gone a lot more sadistic; as in almost becoming the abuser whereas Lucy was meant to be one who was more level headed and had "dealt with it better". Both still want revenge, or "closure" on the incident and they re-unite to deal with and vanquish a horrid memory. That was the outline I had for these two but when it came down to putting it on paper, I just didn't have the quality to push these characteristics forward. Instead it became: Lucy and Ben torture this guy and say exposition to explain why. Next scene.
Yeah, the ending really kinda blows. To be honest, I feel bad that people have even had to read it because it makes little to no sense and I'm not sure if there is even much of an inkling of the idea in the script.
But here goes: Once Ben and Lucy had committed violence towards Farnsworth in the pumpkin ritual, the "evil/curse" returned as it feeds on suffering. Then you get all the banging about etc. Farnsworth's clone returns. This clone had previously taken shape in some other form, and done some damage to Farnsworth, and then taken his form. This clone was the one that then abused Lucy and Ben when they were kids. The real Farnsworth ended up with the blame. He was considered insane after he told the truth. So when Farnsworth's clone duplicates Ben, it's merely changing clothes. Ben's clone goes to get Lucy and all that jazz. If you are still following(!) the clone/thing returns to it's previous state as Farnsworth's clone and sets him up to take the heat for whatever has happened to Ben and Lucy in the basement.
Now, seeing that Farnsworth's backstory is not even presented in the script, hoping people might theorize about this was being impossibly optimistic and unrealistic ha-ha.
Basically, you were probably better off leaving it to your imagination! ( I think I needed to explain it to myself more then anyone else).

Mr.Ripley - Thanks for reading! Pleased you enjoyed some of it. The lack of explanation is true. Apart from my comments above, I have no explanation as to why it happens. I'd love to say evil is just evil it appears whenever it wants in all shapes and forms and does whatever it likes, but sometimes you do need a reason. I have none.
I didn't even think about it to be honest. Now I am, I'm guessing I could blame some ancient burial ground beneath the house or something but it's a little late for that ha ha.

Stevie - Thanks for the encouraging words. I honestly thought I had this planned out well. When it came down to writing it, I knew I was a few miles from where I should be but I still felt confident it was half decent. Then I added the ending. lol. Thanks for reading and getting some enjoyment out of it!

James - Thanks for reading this James. Appreciate that greatly. You've given me a boost when you said you liked a couple of scenes,  and I'm pleased you liked the "less is more" situation. I'm really trying to do that a lot more, it has more of an effect. Makes your mind wander a little. About the torture scenario, glad you dug the apple! The waterboarding scene would have gone on a lot longer if not for page limits. This is another positive thing I have learnt from this challenge, I don't need to drill the point home and show every little detail. Economize the space. If anything, I've learnt that a little less is a little more.  (Note to myself:  Except story ).
I understand your feelings about the ending but thanks for making it that far and enjoying it up until then. I really did make a hash out of something that should have been simple.

Khamanna - Thanks for reading and I gather you enjoyed it until the end. I like downbeat endings ha-ha. I don't enjoy them and start celebrating but if it ends on a downer and there's usually a justifiable way it was done, I think that's classic. This was not one of those so I can understand your disappointment.

Dreamscale - Thanks Jeff, I really appreciate the detail that you paid attention to. Most notably my mistakes in writing. Had no idea what an orphan was in screenwriting terms so had to look it up. Learn something new every day. I had no idea about that. The NIGHT and DAY issue. You're right. I figured since it was inside, I wouldn't need to write NIGHT after every slug. I'm sure I remember someone getting shot down for writing DAY and NIGHT when inside a building. But it does seem common sense to describe what kind of light we're in, whether internal or external. Thanks for picking that up. I need to double check my punctuation, can't keep relying on a spell checker to do that. Won't get very far.
I'll also admit to bad phrasing - really, the dialogue in this thing is not good, is it? It's point blank exposition lol.
I also see what you mean about the way I wrote. I suppose my only defense here is I just wanted to move the story forward. I didn't want to lull on creative ways of expressing how to do it. I've been told I over write simple things like this, so I just tried to write it as simple as pie. Don't go into storyland, just tell it as it is.
Thanks for the review, I really appreciate it.

jwent6688 - Thanks for the nice comments. I think you are right. If I'd have just made something lurk in the shadows it would have foreshadowed the  latter scenes a little more and maybe made them more prominent.  But again, I'm looking back in hindsight. I'd already made up my mind that the act of violence would be the deed in how the "evil" would resurface so I'd have been going against what I was writing about.

Scoob, don't fret an Orphan or a Window or any other technical jargon you hear all to often around here.

An Orphan in writing is a word that appears at the top of the next page.  A single, lone, word.  

A window is a line atop the following page that is apart of a paragraph on the previous page.

While you are seeing these terms used more and more in screenwriting, they're not near as big of a deal as you're lead to believe they are.  And are not used in the same context as they are in novels.  The above are what you'd see in manuscripts and novels and such.  Rather, what you wouldn't see.

In screenwriting an Orphan is a word off to itself, hogging up a line.  Most often you'll see amateur writers complain about space, I do it all the time but I actually know what I'm talking about so I'm not the typical amateur, and thus want more space to stuff and cram their epics into.  

I can upload one page of my script "DOG POUND", which I sold for decent money back in May.  I can upload the entire script of "Deliver Me Death", another one I sold... Both have orphans in them.  And probably lots.  I haven't read them in awhile.  

In fact, I like to use sounds -- One word sounds -- all by themselves on their own line.  Is that an Orphan?  Technically it is, but guess what?  It doesn't hinder the read.  In fact, some people actually like the space and will tell you an "orphan" breaks pages up,  allowing you to go to the next paragraph quickly.

The next thing I bet you're gonna see surface here on this site is going to be (PRE-LAP)  wait and see.  Do yourself a favor and study the term now... You're gonna need it when you wanna use one in your script.  To my knowledge no one here has ever used one and probably, 90% of them, don't even know what it is.  Long of the short, write your script.  Use the rules given.  Bend them to adherer to your style and call it a

Day

Whoops, Orphan.  Look out.

Scoob (and Balt), do you have to get rid of all your orphans?  No, you don’t, obviously.  Do Pros have orphans in their scripts?  Yes, they do.  What’s the big deal then?

An OWC is a perfect example of why everyone should be on the lookout for orphans. They take up an entire line and most of the time, you can easily do away with them by rewording your passage.  Can you do it all the time and get rid of every single one of the little fellas?  Well, yeah, sure you could, but sometimes, you’ll be happy with the way you’ve worded a passage, and leaving a couple in is no big deal.

But, when you’ve only got so much space to deal with, as in a page restriction, why not clean up your script as much as you can?

Let’s look at it this way, real fast:  You’ve got a 10 page maximum, but your script is 11 pages long, meaning you need to chop out an entire page.  OUCH, that sucks…but that’s pretty much the norm also.  If you have 3 orphans on each page, chances are good that by eliminating them, your script will be very close to the 10 page max now.  Pull out a line here and there…viola…you’re good to go.

IMO, orphans do not include 1 word lines.  The reason I say that is because an orphan is a line waster, while a 1 word line should not be a waste…you’ve done it for a reason, so it stands out and says something.

1word dialogue lines are also not orphans, because again, they’re not “wasting” a line.

Now, if you want to get into semantics about having more white on the page, etc, it’s a completely different ball game, I’m afraid.  No reason to go into it here.  Orphans are not the answer!

Bottom line is this…it’s good writing practice to do away with orphans whenever you can.  You can even extend it to trying to do away with 2 word lines, while you’re at it.

If space is an issue, orphans are not your friends, so help the lonely little guys out and find them a home on the line above them whenever possible.

This is definitely very creepy and horrific. I really enjoyed it. I think the story is well thought out. All story threads are tied up.

Personally, I can accept that the house is evil and that's a good explanation for me already.

At first I hate Ben and Lucy because of what they were doing to Farnsworth. And since Farnsworth was supposed to be the child abuser, I didn't like him either. But you managed to flip it around and made me care about and sympathize with Farnsworth at the end. So good job on that.

Some dialogue is on-the-nose. Especially Ben and Lucy's when they were explanation a lot of things in detail to Farnsworth.

But overall, it's very well done.


Herman

1 - Story: Aw, that was fantastic! I really like it. Good dialog, characters, setting and scenario. Really excellent.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Quite and on a reasonable budget.
3 - Horror & Audience: Definite Core Horror. Solid rated R for graphic violence. Big audience that loves a good ghost story. All requirements made. Action starts soon and doesn't let up or sag. Good pacing.
4 - Technicals & Format: Great & fine.
5 - Title & Logline: I don't know about the title. Logline is appropriate.
General Comments:
A - Wouldn't change a thing.

Thanks Herman and Ray for the read and reviews, much appreciated guys.
Gotta say I do like your reviewing technique Ray.

Scoob, enjoyed your story very much. Nice job