Quoted from Dreamscale Did I not read yours yet, Blonde?  I think I've read 39 of the 45.  I'll get to it soon, if I haven't.

Not yet, but don't bother. Apparently, I broke 4 out of the 9 rules that were set. I say I only broke 2, but hey, what can you do?

I don't find it funny at all (and I thought your No Meat was funny by the way) or entertaining. I think the reason is - 1) it's about nothing and 2) it's kind of middle of the road, not edgy for something that's about nothing...(No Meat was about nothing but it's edgy)

He says "I recon" (and there's lot's of other hard-core mid-western slang) but he's from Columbia...

I was confused at the beginning:

"Josh bring in the last of the equipment" - I did not know he was bringing in the equipment, and then "what kind of equipment" is an immediate question. The truck at the door isn't much of an explanation I think.

"Josh begins filming as Jael does a Latin dance complete with castanets" - now I know what equipment you're talking about, but how's "he begins filming" all of the sudden, when did he set up this equipment, and where the castanets came from... - that greatly confused me.

Thanks for reading, Khamanna.  Most are not finding this funny, so you're in the vast majority.

Josh is not Colombian. Only Jael is.

The equipment thing was glanced over. It's a parody of a real television show, in which the crew goes out looking for monsters and ghosts each week (I incorrectly assumed people would be familiar with the show, and realize they always have a bunch of equipment).

He was filming with his "toup cam", but it was not mentioned.  The whole thing about Jael starting a Latin dance with castanets was a complete joke that didn't go over very well.  There are actually numerous examples of people pulling things out from "nowhere".  Again, just a whacky parody joke-like thing.

Sorry it didn't work for you at all.  Guess I better ditch the whacky humor route, as no one seems to like it.

Take care.

Jeff,

Good on you for taking a piss all over the challenge!
I'll have you know I saved you for last. 7WC reads. Done! OWC reads. Outta here!
Overall I'm firmly placed in the JW scoring system camp for this read.
I chuckled lots at the superfreak bootie calls. Airborne martini delivery system. Win!
However, I am going to stick with the minus 1 score because...
(beat)
(beat)
(beat)
There was no Spook Me joke at the end!
I think Jael's rump needed a good spookin!
I mean really, what's a nice firm spook between consenting hornballs?
Thanks for the read!

Spookin Regards,
E.D.

This reads like one of those Scary Movie scripts. You know, characters doing dumb things in tense and horrific situations and the audience gets a laugh at how irrational and stupid they are.

The conversation between Josh and Jael just made me cringe all the way through. They talk like they couldn't live without sex for even one second. Many of the things they talk about went nowhere and I guess that's your staple. You tend to write dialogue heavy scripts.

Sorry, it's just not for me. Good job on completing the challenge though.


Herman

Thanks for the read, ED.  I appreciate it.

Yeah, as I said a few times, this isn't the final version...I was a bit inebriated and submitted the first draft.  The triple beat was deleted in the final.  Oh well.

Glad you were one of the few to get a few laughs.

Take care!

Sorry I missed your post, Herman.  Thanks for reading.

Sorry this didn't work for you.  It was obviously all a joke.  I don't like to hear that you cringed throughout all the dialogue, as that was supposed to be what you were laughing about.  Guess it didn't work for you at all, like it didn't for most.

Take care.

1 - Story: Yeah... It is what it is. Not as horrible as I feared given the other reviews.
2 - Filmable & Budget: Mmm... nope. Not even on a whim.
3 - Horror & Audience: Ghost tail... er, tale. PG-13 for adult content. Probably best executed as an animation, Southpark, Robot Chicken and Adult Swim come to mind. Criteria? We don't need no stinkin' criteria! However, it is a short story and not a sequence, which is appreciated.
4 - Technicals & Format: Laregly fine, except for your usage of elipses for interuptions.
5 - Title & Logline: Should have used "Tail" instead of "Tale" 'cause if you're gonna have fun - HAVE FUN, D@MMIT!. Logline needs the "unseen clock" segment ditched and Pomeroy hasn't been established as actually being evil, only ghostly and discontent.
General Comments:
A - I've read and understood your remarks about disliking double dashes versus ellipses. However, there are established and generally accepted format guidelines regarding these. (Only for you would I have ever invested the following time to hunt down amongst a sea of waste):
http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide  Page 52
http://www.scriptgodsmustdie.com/2010/02/format-8-ellipses-dashes/
http://www.empirecontact.com/readability/pointers.html
http://complicationsensue.blogspot.com/2009/03/i-have-to-dash.html
B - The pacing is herky-jerky and the "horror" part comes too late, but I'm not a watch-a-guy-set-up-dominoes suspense sort of guy.
C - I'm sorry you uploaded the incorrect PDF.    Bummer. But the Josh/Jael parody comes through just fine. Aside from the animation tack, I have a difficult time placing an appropriate comedy template on this screenplay. It's not SNL, In Living Color, Benny Hill or Flying Circus. I'm at a loss.
D -Favorite line:
Josh and Jael approach a closed door...the only closed door
on the floor...actually, it's the only door on the floor.
Nice.

Thanks for reading, Ray.

Funny, your favorite line was actually cut in the finished draft that was supposed to be posted.

I like my ellipses...I really do!

Take care!

Jeff,

I wanted to get to this script eariler than now. As you know I have been out of town for the last two weeks only checking in briefly from time to time. I have read several scripts I wish I had time to comment on but have not been able to.

You sent me over (what I thought)  was the final draft on this but when I gave this a read, the two are differient. Did I miss something? The other script had a lot of changes this one does not have. I've done that before.

Both are great as I told you in the emails. I thought you really went outside of the box and took it to silly times ten on this one. I don't know why you think you don't have a sense of humor. I think this ROCKED brother.

When a person reads something and thinks it might not be as funny as yourself, it doesn't mean it does not work, it simply means, the two levels of humor simply did not meet. Know what I mean? I for one am a BIG  fan of your style of both your DRAMA and COMEDY.

GREAT JOB Jeff! Take care brother.


Shawn.....><

Thanks, Shawn.  I appreciate it.

Glad you enjoyed it.  Wish more had.  Oh well.

Take care, brother.

Jeff,

I was going down the batches to see if I missed any major contributors - low and behold.  

Anyway, I was expecting something more horror from you given how active you were in the main OWC thread and since I figured you got all the piss out of you during the last OWC.  That said, I'm not sure what you were going for here.  A couple of the one liners were funny and I laughed at the goofiness of the script but overall this didn't really work for me.  The humor as a whole came off as routine and I just kept wondering why you elected to this instead of going all-out horror since that's what the challenge was.  I remember your Soul Shadow script with all the blood and sex and whatnot.  Where was that for this challenge???  

So - a job done anyway.  

Greg

I've been a bt slow on getting to someof these due to internet problems. Jeff, I could tell from reading this that it was written fairly quickly. Fair enough, so was mine.

It had its moments, but overall I didn't find it as funny as some of your other scripts. A good effort for a few hours work, or however long it took you.

Cheers,
Tim.

Greg and Tim, thanks for reading.

Sorry this wasn't what you were expecting or hoping for.

As I've said a few times, I was a bit upset with the way this OWC went down, and the limitations and ambiguity, and decided not to enter. On Friday, I decided that wasn't the way to go, so I tried to come up with something that would work, while still trying true to what I was originally joking around about...a whale.  Nothing clicked, and I decided to go the piss route.

It's apparent that very few share my humor, and that's most likely a good thing.  I, myself think this is quite humorous, and still 2 weeks later, am laughing at many of the lines.  Maybe that's cause I watch the show and see these 2 characters each week.  I don't know.

Thanks to everyone for plodding through this script.  No more pissers for me...hopefully!

Jeff -

I was a bit upset with the way this OWC went down, and the limitations and ambiguity, and decided not to enter.

Having reviewed I'm assuming most, if not all, of the October entries how do you feel A) the results to this challenge differed from prior challenges and B) about the range and quality of the submissions as a result of those differences?

TIA.