Porch Pirate by Ezster Has - A cocky porch pirate steals a package and finds himself hunted by its relentless owner, unaware of the consequences awaiting him.  Short, Drama, Crime

What a terrific story.
Cream of the crop for me so far.

Well done, writer!
P.S. I had no idea what a Cologuard was, but do now.  
P.P.S. I was pulled up by one other thing but am going gather you meant to write 'cardigan'.

No title page - you rebel!

Unless there's a specific reason, I'd suggest not having two lead characters with similar/rhyming names, makes the read a little slower.

Some of the action feels unlikely, e.g. the box is described as large when dropped on the porch, but Devin can lift it one handed from the footwell back to the seat without apparent issue... and the later reveal doesn't imply it needs to be a large box anyway.

The chase itself is well staged, action is good but the ending left me scracthing my head... how does the airtag get into Devin's car? Why would Marvin not just take it home with him if it's part of his work?

So good effort but I think some of the narrative logic needs consideration.

This one felt like a movie with a beginning, middle, and end.

I could picture everything just fine, the dialogue sounded real for the most part, and there was a resolution that was appropriate.

My only complaint was the dialogue at the end after Devin says "please".

Marvin should have just said something like, "I wish I could help you, but you're already dead."
All that talk about the breeding program at the university isn't needed.

Marvin should have verified that the snake was back in the container before he talked to Devin also.

Minor stuff but it would have helped.

Thanks for the read.

-Jordan

Dear Ezster,
Crikey! Fantastic stuff - talk about twist in the tail. . . Gobsmacked - with Cooper's Poison now playing in my head.
All I can think to say is that "every word has justified it's place on the page"  
Well done - JtF

Hmm... No title page.

Ah, porch pirates. Very topical. I see them on the local news sometimes.

Quoted Text You don’t know what you’ve done you little punk. You’re dead.

This taunt reminds me of William Fichtner in The Dark Knight.

Isn't Cologuard a proper name?

Quoted Text I have a good feeling about this.

I didn't realize this was Star Wars.

There's a lot more dialogue here than I expected from this challenge, but it was a good read. I'm just tired.

Quoted from Nomad This one felt like a movie with a beginning, middle, and end.

Agreed. There is clear motive, actions, and consequences. It's well done.

Quoted Text My only complaint was the dialogue at the end after Devin says "please". Marvin should have just said something like, "I wish I could help you, but you're already dead." All that talk about the breeding program at the university isn't needed.

There was some exposition but for me it worked in the sense it established the fact we were dealing with a protagonist and an antagonist, not only two of the latter. For much of the script you are wondering which of the men is the lesser of two evils, but this is dispelled by the final exchange.

A little clunky? Maybe. But I think it worked in this instance.

Quoted Text Marvin should have verified that the snake was back in the container before he talked to Devin also.

My biggest issues with this revolve around the snake.

First, I wasn't surprised. We could sense there was something nasty in the box, and probably dangerous, and eventually you put the pieces together.

Second, would a university researcher be shipping deadly reptiles to his home in cardboard boxes via Amazon/DHL/etc.? Do the drivers know?

Third, wouldn't a snake researcher possess or have access to antivenom? A vial of that stuff would be superglued to me 24/7 if it was my job!

Non snake-related is the fact the car wasn't shunted into the woman by the impact of the truck, but that's a pretty minor quibble.

All-in-all this was a great read. I'd have liked it to have received one or two more passes before it was set free, but that's not a deal-breaker. The strong premise, structure and execution elevates the material.

This one had me guessing the whole time. I was expecting some kind of "just desserts" but not that. It was an entertaining surprise. I need to get one of those Ring cameras. Racoons keep taking my packages. They don't mean to, and I otherwise get along with them quite nicely. I just wish they would read the label before they open my packages.

Hi Writer

Presumably Marvin will now face some kind of legal action for recklessly sending a venomous snake through normal post and not controlled methods? I would expect more from a University academic.

He is also racing to recapture the snake from a thief and he doesn't carry any anti-venom?
(Yeah, he says he is developing anti-venom but the anti-venom already exists and as an academic, he should have some on site)

The more I think about it, the more I realize now that Marvin is the antagonist.
Devin, poor sod, is probably just desperately trying to make some money to feed his family and young kids then some horrible, reckless old man puts everyone's lives in danger by sending a venomous snake through the post and doesn't carry the anti-venom to save anyone's life!
He is also very unhinged, ramming the car? near a pedestrian with a kid? and he had an air tag in there the whole time so he could have just followed them, called the police, told them the situation... but nooo, he had to go and be a prick!

The ending dialogue could be a bit more impactful. Let us know the extent of the deep hole Devin is in.
"There's nothing I can do, the venom will kill you in 4 minutes".
Then the call to the ambulance, ending with a "Hurry" could possible make it a bit more chilling.

I enjoyed the ride for what it was but after it was all said and done there were too many logical issues to walk away fully satisfied.

All the best

Revenge is a dish best served... reptilian?

Very enjoyable if not a little nasty in conclusion. Marvin does not like having his deliveries nicked and I don't think anybody will ever be doing that again!

So, agree that you might need to flesh out a bit how the snake gets into the delivery process - an inland Taipan is extremely dangerous.

That aside, thought this was a marvellous entry. Enjoyed it all the way.

Definitely one I would enjoy on screen!

Got an inkling on who wrote this one.

Enjoyable read. Yet another car chase, this time with a pretty good ending. I like the fact he sort of got what he deserved with a bit of spice. Good job and well written.

I love tales of instant karma and this one didn’t disappoint!  Your descriptive scenes were dead on and well laid out.  Enjoyed this one a lot. So much talent on display in the OWC again. Good luck writer!

Ahoy Ezster-- ah, last but not least. Not gonna offer any feedback cos' I think you're just showing off. I thought it was excellent, well-written - all that jazz. To be honest-- I found the surprise somewhat humorous, wasn't expecting that. One iddy biddy thing that’s probably isn’t even worth mentioning, but for the sake of being thorough-- the ending works, but I couldn't help but think if the 911 call was needed.

Anywaz, luv it. Best of Irish luck! -A

Hi,

Overhall I have liked to read your story.
Just my own opinion, I did not like the snake. It did not surprise me.
What else could be deadly or damaging to Devin inside of the box that I could not expect?

I wonder.

I had some of the same logic questions. Marvin didn't strike me
as somebody working for a University. However, I have known
some university lifers who seemed more like derelicts than professors.
Found it funny that Marvin is working on an "antivenom" for a poisonous
snake bite, but seems comfortable with letting Devin die from a bite.
there's no urgency or concern that I could detect in his tone or actions.

I don't recall a scene with the box having a clear warning of Danger.
It would not be giving much away to post a warning, since I think most
readers are anticipating a big payoff.

Not sure if the snake should "disappear back into the container" after striking
Devin. It seems that the snake might escape. But not a big deal.

The names Marvin and Devin did throw me a bit. Makes it seem they are on
the same social or age level. Just my take.

Got to say, this is a pretty terrific story overall. I enjoyed the tension and the predicament.
The chase was fun. Clean up the inconsistencies and you've got a sure winner.