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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Making the Perfect Hero - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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  Author    Making the Perfect Hero - OWC  (currently 2541 views)
Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:06am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Making the Perfect Hero by Sarah Michelle Killer - Short, Comedy - After a Jinn gives a geeky person powers, he learns it's hard to have powers.  Very hard and at times, inappropriate. 6 pages - pdf, format


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stevie
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:22pm Report to Moderator
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lol I picked this one at random to start my reviews! Am writing them down as i read so I know what I'm up to.

This comedy theme is gonna make this the best OWC to review as its fun for a change instead of labouring through a pile of similar stuff.

Ok, this one is all over the place like a mad woman's shit but it has a few laughs. I think it references stuff I'm not aware of. Anyway its ok.

6 laughs of of 10!


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:42pm Report to Moderator
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Wasn't for me. But it doesn't mean there isn't something in the premise. The old idea of there being a price to pay when you get what you wished for is a classic basis. It sure can apply to a wannabe superhero.

The Jin in a bottle has potential, but I felt it didn't deliver.

Beatle reference?

Late entry...ahem...by a regular?

Be careful of what you wish for...sound basis.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from stevie


Ok, this one is all over the place like a mad woman's shit...



That is one of the funniest, most disturbing lines I have ever read. I doubt I will come across a better line this OWC

I'm going to chuckle myself to sleep.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Cam Gray
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:22pm Report to Moderator
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I liked it. Spoilers...but fornicating yourself into the ground was funny, and also the scene with the pimp was good. Possibly he should have been screaming when his man member went missing (I'd be in bits).


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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Wes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 6:34pm Report to Moderator
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Cleanly written but it's just a bit too cliche for me. Same old careful what you wish for thing. Same old genie gets the wish wrong the first time around. Felt pretty familiar.


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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:13pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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Not bad for a comedy. Nothing to laugh out loud at but a few giggles.

Fucking to death the only way to go

The writing was pretty good.

Good job on entering


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Slightly amusing, but  I yawned at the dick jokes. It kind of backfired in a way (guy grows to 50 feet, the rst of him also would follow, you would think) nicely written, but raunchy is passed off as comedy. Didn't need it somuch, it was a bit overkill.



"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:52am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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Hmmm,
     Seemed unfocused.  Lots of ideas, none were really fleshed out.  

I am sure few will catch the old time references of Ethyl and Mary Jane.  Both are necrophilia songs in the 80s and 90s.  

Could have been funny.  Seemed like a joke at the expense of 50 shades of grey and it took 6 pages to get there?  Eh.

6.5/10


Please read my scripts:
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I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
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cbead
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 2:19am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Reef Dreamer


That is one of the funniest, most disturbing lines I have ever read. I doubt I will come across a better line this OWC

I'm going to chuckle myself to sleep.


Stevie's brought out a classic Aussie expression, which sums up the script perfectly I think. "all over the place like a mad woman's shit"


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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 2:47am Report to Moderator
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This fitted the parameters for me and a good attempt at humour, even if it went for a few tired cliché’s. The Genie (Jinn) providing wishes which have consequences is as old as time but I think this was a decent effort.

Well done on entering and providing me with a few smiles on this dreary Monday morning.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 10:42am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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HaHa!!!!  Pretty damn funny, actually.

Written like a pisser, which I appreciate...I just hope you realize how it's written and reads, and these aren't actually writing mistakes.

Very whacky, very goofy, but very funny, too.  As a pisser, this is near gold.  As a comedy script not trying to take the piss, we gotta talk...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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StevenClark
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:59pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

I had trouble grasping this. I got a handle on it for the most part, just wasn't feeling it or the comedy. Nice effort though, but not for me. So I went back and re-read a little cuz it seems peeps are liking this. It's cute, but still not cutting it for me. Good effort!

Steve


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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I liked the idea of repeatedly getting what he wished for... bit he's a bloke, surely that'd have been his first wish? ;-(

Made me chuckle a few times but the ending fell a little flat.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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Ryan1
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:13pm Report to Moderator
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Good set-up and some funny scenes, although I think the giant Herman vomiting scene deserved more description.  Also, I kinda would've liked to have seen Herman's face when he realized he made a tragic mistake with his third wish.  The final scene with the pervo genie was okay, but could have been stronger.  
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