Making the Perfect Hero by Sarah Michelle Killer - Short, Comedy - After a Jinn gives a geeky person powers, he learns it's hard to have powers.  Very hard and at times, inappropriate. 6 pages - pdf, format

lol I picked this one at random to start my reviews! Am writing them down as i read so I know what I'm up to.

This comedy theme is gonna make this the best OWC to review as its fun for a change instead of labouring through a pile of similar stuff.

Ok, this one is all over the place like a mad woman's shit but it has a few laughs. I think it references stuff I'm not aware of. Anyway its ok.

6 laughs of of 10!

Wasn't for me. But it doesn't mean there isn't something in the premise. The old idea of there being a price to pay when you get what you wished for is a classic basis. It sure can apply to a wannabe superhero.

The Jin in a bottle has potential, but I felt it didn't deliver.

Beatle reference?

Late entry...ahem...by a regular?

Be careful of what you wish for...sound basis.

Quoted from stevie Ok, this one is all over the place like a mad woman's shit...

That is one of the funniest, most disturbing lines I have ever read. I doubt I will come across a better line this OWC

I'm going to chuckle myself to sleep.

I liked it. Spoilers...but fornicating yourself into the ground was funny, and also the scene with the pimp was good. Possibly he should have been screaming when his man member went missing (I'd be in bits).

Cleanly written but it's just a bit too cliche for me. Same old careful what you wish for thing. Same old genie gets the wish wrong the first time around. Felt pretty familiar.

Not bad for a comedy. Nothing to laugh out loud at but a few giggles.

Fucking to death the only way to go

The writing was pretty good.

Good job on entering

Slightly amusing, but  I yawned at the dick jokes. It kind of backfired in a way (guy grows to 50 feet, the rst of him also would follow, you would think) nicely written, but raunchy is passed off as comedy. Didn't need it somuch, it was a bit overkill.

Hmmm,
     Seemed unfocused.  Lots of ideas, none were really fleshed out.  

I am sure few will catch the old time references of Ethyl and Mary Jane.  Both are necrophilia songs in the 80s and 90s.  

Could have been funny.  Seemed like a joke at the expense of 50 shades of grey and it took 6 pages to get there?  Eh.

6.5/10

Quoted from Reef Dreamer That is one of the funniest, most disturbing lines I have ever read. I doubt I will come across a better line this OWC I'm going to chuckle myself to sleep.

Stevie's brought out a classic Aussie expression, which sums up the script perfectly I think. "all over the place like a mad woman's shit"

This fitted the parameters for me and a good attempt at humour, even if it went for a few tired cliché’s. The Genie (Jinn) providing wishes which have consequences is as old as time but I think this was a decent effort.

Well done on entering and providing me with a few smiles on this dreary Monday morning.

-Mark

HaHa!!!!  Pretty damn funny, actually.

Written like a pisser, which I appreciate...I just hope you realize how it's written and reads, and these aren't actually writing mistakes.

Very whacky, very goofy, but very funny, too.  As a pisser, this is near gold.  As a comedy script not trying to take the piss, we gotta talk...

Writer,

I had trouble grasping this. I got a handle on it for the most part, just wasn't feeling it or the comedy. Nice effort though, but not for me. So I went back and re-read a little cuz it seems peeps are liking this. It's cute, but still not cutting it for me. Good effort!

Steve

I liked the idea of repeatedly getting what he wished for... bit he's a bloke, surely that'd have been his first wish? ;-(

Made me chuckle a few times but the ending fell a little flat.

Good set-up and some funny scenes, although I think the giant Herman vomiting scene deserved more description.  Also, I kinda would've liked to have seen Herman's face when he realized he made a tragic mistake with his third wish.  The final scene with the pervo genie was okay, but could have been stronger.  

I've not read other comments on this one, apart from Stevie's at the start. At first I wasn't sure what to make of this one.

There's some good jokes in there, a few make me giggle. I was a bit lost with some of the references. Maybe reading it closer would make some of the lines a bit clearer, in meaning I mean.

It is filthy. But not so filthy as to offend me. I was just a bit surprised it wasn't a more usual superhero type character. Nevertheless, I laughed a few times. And that's the whole idea for this challenge.

R  

Couldn't really get into this one, maybe a few chuckles. I did laugh at the fake script author name you gave for some reason.

Not the worst of the bunch, but just didn't really work for me. The genie struggles to know a human when he sees one, yet has all the human references he keeps using. The story and the jokes just felt a bit contrived to me, and I couldn't buy that one hooker saying he's the best lover would lead to Hollywood stars sleeping with him in three days. Doesn't make any sense.

moderately funny.  there is a lot to be done with a Jinn, but this one breaks down to sex and a questionable super hero.

This one didn't work for me. Too much in too short a space, I think. If it's Herman's main goal, what he really wants, is to get laid, then start working at that point with Wish #1...the scenes with the vertigo and throwing up don't help him reach that goal at all. I did like the painfully short funeral speech, though.

Sarah Michelle Killer,

Skimmed through the last few pages. This one really failed to hold my attention, sorry. Also, the writing is pretty passive at times and there are quite a few mistakes.

Best of luck.

Glenn.

A green JINN, BAHMAT - (Arabian male, 40s, plump, Chris Rock type) - What a bizarre description. I wasn't sure what to make of it. Chris Rock is such a specific type, both physically and characteristically, to the point of almost not being a type, and is neither plump nor Arabian. I ended up just picturing Chris Rock as a disproportionately bloated green freak with the same voice... which made me laugh, though perhaps not for the reasons you intended.

Anyway, some of the ideas were fun. I'm not sure if the vertigo/puke gag was clever or stupid, but it made me laugh anyway. Just completely absurd. Read this last night, though, after a couple glasses of wine, so this is just how I remember it. The ending wasn't bad either, and I liked how you opted to be inclusive and include some men in the room as well.

A little aimless. It seems like the final wish was the real story here, and you could've made it work in six pages. Squeezed in at the end, though, it feels like a missed opportunity. Bahmat also seems like kind of an idiot, although I find that to be somewhat funny in and of itself, intentional or not. Something to consider though.

Meh. Fits the challenge. Got a few laughs out of it. Okay, I guess.

If ejaculating robbed your body of blood, I'd be dead a long time ago.  Wait...I mean I know a guy who would have been dead a long time ago.

This was a bit Bedazzled and a bit Deuce Bigalow, but a lot of strange.  It was all over the place and didn't make my nipples hard.

Congrats.

Jordan

Quoted from Nomad This was a bit Bedazzled and a bit Deuce Bigalow

Let's not say things we can't take back.

Some parts were good, some parts not so. The ending felt flat. Storyline felt too erratic, goals are not clear, and many repetitive dialogues. Still one of the better entries in my book

I read this one before it got cut down to 6 pages, but my critique stays the same. Too much meandering away from the main storyline here drags the attention away from the central conflict. Also, the story doesn't work well for me. If all he wants is a woman, then why not just wish for one in the first place? All the fixes I'd apply I already sent to the author before the OWC.

Well I didn't find it all that humorous. Not superhero but more 3 wishes.

The genie can see Hermann’s penis?

“BLINK. BLINK. EXPLOSION”

The writing is putting me off here.

“Where’s your penis?” … “Sheltie Island”

Okay, that made me laugh legitimately. But seriously, why didn’t he have a penis?

“...by the end of the week, you will have hollywood starlets and supermodels paying you to sleep with them.”

This is not how hookers work. And if it is I’m kinda pissed at not finding out til now.

“All his ejaculations led to him not having enough blood in his body.”

And this is not how ejaculations work. It seems his real problem may have been that he was ejaculating blood in the first place.

I think the funeral scene could’ve benefited from a eulogy given by someone who said nothing about anything other than Hermann’s sexual prowess. I know that’s how I want my eulogy to go.

This one was pretty scattershot. Good twist on the three wishes story, and could really work well with the kinks ironed out. Kinda veered away from the superhero part of the concept, though.

Found this one difficult to read. Not my type of comedy. If I were to say why then it would seem as though I hated it. Perhaps, I did.

Since all the votes are in, and quite a few others have outed themselves, I will do the same.

This was mine.

I wasn't actually sure I wanted to enter it.  The first draft came to 13 pages and all I could do was cut cut and cut some more.  I had to cut so much that I turned it into a pisser and a different story.

The concept is so different.  A clueless Jinn helps a geeky kid become a superhero, until he realizes what the kid really wants.

That was supposed to be the story.  But, I couldn't do any of that.  Ironically, all the negative comments wouldn't have been part of the story because they wouldn't have existed.

I plan to work on this and see if I can make it better.  I'm glad some liked it, a few really liked it, but, most realized there were major flaws.  I loved superheroes, and could have lived with comedy, but, 6 pages really killed me.  

There were some really good OWC scripts and I send kudos your way!!

Thanks to everyone who read it.  Oh, and yes, you can fuck yourself to death.  Something about the blood rushing to the penis can't go back to the body, which is why if you take viagra and you have an erection for more then 4 hrs you have to go to the hospital.

Oh, and it is possible to have a broken dick.  Yep.  Very rare, but, if you are having a hard on, you can have your dick broken.

Have a nice night thinking of that

Dan

Hey, Dan, I started reading it but then remembered you were going to rewrite. So maybe my comment will be better use if you rewrite and let me know huh?

Good luck with the rewrite.

Quoted from DanC Since all the votes are in, and quite a few others have outed themselves, I will do the same. This was mine. I wasn't actually sure I wanted to enter it.  The first draft came to 13 pages and all I could do was cut cut and cut some more.  I had to cut so much that I turned it into a pisser and a different story. The concept is so different.  A clueless Jinn helps a geeky kid become a superhero, until he realizes what the kid really wants. That was supposed to be the story.  But, I couldn't do any of that.  Ironically, all the negative comments wouldn't have been part of the story because they wouldn't have existed. I plan to work on this and see if I can make it better.  I'm glad some liked it, a few really liked it, but, most realized there were major flaws.  I loved superheroes, and could have lived with comedy, but, 6 pages really killed me.   There were some really good OWC scripts and I send kudos your way!! Thanks to everyone who read it.  Oh, and yes, you can fuck yourself to death.  Something about the blood rushing to the penis can't go back to the body, which is why if you take viagra and you have an erection for more then 4 hrs you have to go to the hospital. Oh, and it is possible to have a broken dick.  Yep.  Very rare, but, if you are having a hard on, you can have your dick broken. Have a nice night thinking of that Dan

The things we learn during an OWC.

All the best with the rewrite Dan

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The things we learn during an OWC. All the best with the rewrite Dan

You know what they say?  Always try to learn something new.  Makes you think for a split second about that Viagara right?  

And Khamanna,
Sure, that works.  I'd be happy and honored to have you read my real attempt at humor without the 6 page limit.  Like I said, what I wrote here wasn't what I had envisioned.

Thanks to all who read it.

Dan

This would have been a consider from me and I do encourage you to do that rewrite. I will say this, personally I think this is a lot better than the first OWC you entered which shows how much you are developing as a writer so keep it up Dan. And keep on writing! (smutty laugh!)

Quoted from MarkRenshaw This would have been a consider from me and I do encourage you to do that rewrite. I will say this, personally I think this is a lot better than the first OWC you entered which shows how much you are developing as a writer so keep it up Dan. And keep on writing! (smutty laugh!)

Wow, Mark, thanks for the nice words.  I'm gonna work on this.  Right now, life has been nuts for me.  In addition to everything that I have to deal with, my doctor was arrested for illegal medications (for pain meds) and we are buying a house/moving.  I have to go out more then I want to due to the pain.  

Plus it's my fav time of the year with hockey and basketball playoffs.  

Mark, again, much respect bud.  That was really nice to say.  

I knew when I joined that a lot of people might not like my writing.  But, I wanted to get better.  And the only way to get better is to be humble and listen to good advice.  No one knows your story better then you.  If the advice doesn't fit with the scope of your story, then don't use it.  

But, I'd rather hear it from you guys, then have it tossed for the exact same reason by an agent or company/producer.  

Again, thanks Mark.  I've tried hard to get better.  And I do struggle with confidence, so, this will go a long way!!