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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April 2016 OWC  ›  Inksport - OWC Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Inkspot by Lucas Larkin - Short, Comedy - Using a dimensional portal,An army of super-villains puts a real world city under siege. A comic book artist finds a way to stop them - by becoming a rather unexpected superhero himself. 8 pages - pdf, format


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StevenClark
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 2:24pm Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Up to page 4 and I haven't really seen any comedy yet. I'm gonna cut out here, as there's nothing to suggest that any comedy might be coming our way. Good effort, though. And pretty good writing. If page count was an issue for you there is a lot I see that can be trimmed.

Steve


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MarkItZero
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 4:37pm Report to Moderator
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Yeah the humor is definitely lacking. Overall decent writing though. Just having one villain (Blue Cricket) terrorizing the city instead of a bunch of random villains would have helped with the page count.


That rug really tied the room together.
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Nomad
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Lucas,

I made it to the flashback and bowed out.

It took a lot of effort to make it that far since nothing funny was happening.  Lucas was simply walking around.

Congratulations on finishing a script.

Jordan


Read my scripts here:
SOCIAL EXPERIMENT 8pg-Drama
THE BRIDGE 8pg-Horror
SCHEISSE 6pg-Horror/Comedy
MADE FOR EACH OTHER-FILMED
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irish eyes
Posted: April 24th, 2016, 7:19pm Report to Moderator
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There`s too much blood in my alcohol

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I don't  have a problem with you going over the page count, I know others will.
What I do have a problem with is the lack of comedy. There was none as far as I could see, maybe I missed it.

The story itself with Blue Cricket was a little drawn out.
Sorry not for me

Good Job on entering.


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 12:10am Report to Moderator
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A page or two over - don't be shocked if folks keep good on their word and skip you by for a bit. I think you could have tightened this up just a tad- a page at least. I still would give some OWC over the six a shot, but it seems there's only two or three of them out of the 30 something.

Yeah, you're gonna take a hit and that's a shame because the writing's not too horrible overall.

The joke, however, gets lost in the shuffle somewhere, unless a bad guy snatching lunchbox pies from little kids is supposed to be funny(?).  but if I had to take a wild guess the joke is...

A new  hero who stains spandex costumes with a paintball gun?




"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
my scripts on ss : http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?m-1095531482/s-45/#num48
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DanC
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 1:29am Report to Moderator
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Killing villains since 1980!

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It's over the limit, and isn't really funny.  That's too much to overcome.

Sorry, this didn't work for me, and I had trouble following it...

Dan


Please read my scripts:
http://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-series/m-1427564706/

I'm interested in reading animation, horror, sci fy, suspense, fantasy, and anything that is good.  I enjoy writing the same.  Looking to team with anyone!

Thanks
Dan
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MarkRenshaw
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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I could get over the page count if this tickled my funny bone but it didn't. Some serious creative juices flowing in this one, I'll give you that, but it didn't work for me, sorry.

-Mark


For more of my scripts, stories, produced movies and the ocassional blog, check out my new website. CLICK
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cbead
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:03am Report to Moderator
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It's not bad writing, and the makings of a decent story here, but it does not really meet the comedy part of the challenge. Also going 2 pages over the page limit sort of puts the script on the back foot immediately. There are many scripts on here, including mine, that would have truly benefited from 2 extra pages to develop the characters, storyline, payoff etc.

Not for me sorry.


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Cam Gray
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 5:34am Report to Moderator
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It's over the page limit, and there's not really any laughs. Sorry but not for me


23 Mu Muís in an ice cream van...
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Dreamscale
Posted: April 25th, 2016, 4:24pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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A full 2 pages too long...completely unacceptable!

Your opening is beyond goofy anyways, so maybe it's a good thing I can get out this easy.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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albinopenguin
Posted: April 27th, 2016, 1:06pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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Unfortunately this script is longer than 2 pages so it's out of the running for me.

That being said, I read the first few pages and it's not bad. Not very funny, but just because something isn't haha funny doesn't mean it can't be hehe funny. Maybe there's a punchline at the end, but unfortunately I lost interest.

Scanned the end, doesn't seem like any real pay off.

Writing is solid however and easy to follow (except for a few spots here and there).


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Dustin
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 3:45am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Didn't tickle my funny bone. This one needs a lot of work to make it great. Good luck.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 30th, 2016, 4:10am Report to Moderator
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I got confused about what was happening. Didn't seem to come together but I think the premise was interesting.
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EWall433
Posted: May 1st, 2016, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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I donít know if anyone has mentioned this, but you went over the page count

This was more a traditional superhero story than a comedy one. It was pretty clever and decently told, but its few attempts at witty banter didnít really connect with me. The page count is extra unfortunate because I think you couldíve cut the flashback scenes and lost nothing. This probably wouldíve got you pretty close. In a slightly different challenge this might have done well, in this one though, it comes up short.
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