Storywise it was concise and clean, and I liked the twist at the end.  Nothing too original.  The dialogue was hit&miss for me.  It needs work.  Some lines I found cringe-worthy.  I won't nit pick too much.  The one note I do have is this...

...I would have never said to Picasso to cut it with the fancy colors and just draw a stick figure.  Like voice over and other debated about techniques, asides are in the writer's toolbox.  Asides are like adding spices to something. Like, I love me some turmeric. There are many, many dishes that are vastly improved by a small amount of turmeric. Too much ruins it, though. And some things should have none at all...

Oh, this right here; character intros in screenplays have always been one of those areas where the screenwriter gets a little leeway on the ultimate screenwriting principle of only write what you can see.  I loved yours.  It's usually how we handle ours.

Overall, if anything, I found this entertaining.  So kudos. -Andrea

Another script with this line of dialogue:
No, no no no no!

Using 'sat on' , '(is sat',') 'a picture of Burke stood...'  is uniquely a Brit thing. It'd be fine in dialogue but you use it in description. You're mixing past and present tense. But then you spell 'arse' as 'ass', so call me flummoxed as to your country of origin.

Some rather off-putting dialogue only because each and every character starts to sound like the same hard-arse and I found it a bit unimaginative and one-note.

As a by the by, watch out for:
His ‘large upper body dimensions’
restricts his view.
That'd be: restrict (singular), as in 'his dimensions restrict his view.' Why the quotation marks?

HAILEY
Hey! You know you ain’t supposed to
leave the...
Too late, he (Perkins) steps outside.
HAILEY
..bus. Fuck!

You should (imh learned opinion) use an emdash, not ellipses at this point. Ellipses are used commonly for a pause or trailing off of thought, - more sedate. An emdash is a more abrupt cutting off and often resuming with action interweaved, as in your example.

Both em-dashes (–) and ellipses (…) are used to indicate unfinished thoughts, but their uses differ slightly. Em-dashes are used to indicate a thought that ends abruptly, either because the speaker ended it that way for effect (“aposiopesis”), or because he or she was interrupted.

He claims he’d fuck Jesus over again and twice on a Sunday.
Wow, going all out with asides, particularly here.
There, and everywhere else too. Bit much imho.

As far as story goes I actually think this idea has promise. It's a good premise.
When the 'gangler' first appeared it was suspenseful. I felt what you wanted me to feel - nervous, dread. I think the story could have benefited by drawing that suspense out a bit more.

I would prefer if the description of the Gangler was more otherworldly /supernatural, v Rastafarian dressed in a burlap sack which was my first impression.

And please set this story at night.

I wanted to get behind your protagonist but sadly Hailey's not very likeable. She goes around zapping too many prisoners at the start seemingly just cause she can. Make her likeable then your denouement will resonate far more.

Justice seems to be the overwhelming theme with this and getting ones just desserts.
Just make sure the intended victim is indeed guilty, lest karma gets you in the end.  People in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

Still, even though she had a hand in it (bit confusing and preachy that final act section) Hailey wasn't responsible for convicting Henry in the first place.

I'd really like to read another (less rushed?) draft, one with perhaps more considered thought following the challenge, and one with a little less hoopla for effect,. Oh, and more contrasting characters.

All jmho.

The unfilmables really get in the way. It's hard to take the writing seriously when the writer doesn't take it seriously.

The dialogue is hit and miss, at times quite good and quite cheesy at others.

The action is pretty well written and it works, for the most part. I had a hard time picturing how she can shoot Judas, twice. The larger problem is, why did she really shoot at all? She isn't actually trying to shoot the gangler, is she?

The story is the strongest part of this. I like it a lot. The ending is terrific. Dance with the devil and you're gonna get burned.

With a good rewrite, this would be great.

Cheers for the read guys and I'm glad this placed highly in the end. This was my attempt to invent a new franchise and it's harder than I thought creating something where the rules are unknown.

I've already written another draft, a few less asides and when Hailey tells the story to Burke I've added some flashbacks to fill in the gaps.

Basically Hailey is pissed off at the system and comes across this old  book which tells her how to summon these justice demons who keep a low profile by making the deaths of their victims seem like accidents.

When she is on the bus, Judas pisses her off so she has a go at summoning them (which was in the original draft but it was really too subtle) - from that point on she has no idea what will happen (if anything) so is almost as surprised as the audience and starts to fear for her own life.

At the end, when it is revealed she has murdered an innocent she thought was guilty, her soul is condemned for all eternity to serve justice as a gangler.

Thanks again for the reads and constructive feedback.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Cheers for the read guys and I'm glad this placed highly in the end. This was my attempt to invent a new franchise and it's harder than I thought creating something where the rules are unknown.

This was definitely the issue for me. It would obviously be a lot easier in a feature where you can set the rules and motivations over a longer period of time. It's less of an issue with zombies, werewolves etc because we all have some understanding of the rules.

This didn't feel like you're writing at all, another one I would never have picked.

Sorry I didn't know what a jump seat was, that seemed to be a major issue for some

Great OWC

Love the distinctive dialog.

Love the unique gangler.

Would Perkins ask what do I do, or just hit the brakes? He would just hit the brakes. But this creates a writer's problem in that you want us to see it for a long moment. As the creature is fast, maybe they are watching it ahead on the side of the road and when the bus gets to it, it suddenly scurries into the road and under the bus.

Why does the gangler kill Perkins? Maybe that should be addressed? I understand that we need to see him die to raise the danger level...I mean why did the gangler kill him? Maybe show some reason he deserved justice.

In a few spots dialog was not needed, such as her reaction to the report on TV. Sometimes we know without the dialog.

Sat on a jump seat

I'm curious if you used the word sat instead of sitting because of an "ing" rule?

more tattoo than man

Loved that!

He claims he’d fuck Jesus over again and twice on a Sunday.

Now I support a judicious use of unfilmables. And I admire the writer's boldness in trying to keep us entertained with his descriptions. Maybe this one went too far. His religious views aren't apparent or evidenced in the dialog. Perhaps give him a satanic tattoo.

Excellent work! Sorry I didn't get to it earlier, I would have given it a consider vote. I'm slowing working my way through.

Just found out Ganglers has won best short horror screenplay at the Shriekfest Festival over in LA.

Congrats, how much had that changed from the original?

Quoted from Warren Congrats, how much had that changed from the original?

I made some changes based on all the feedback, nothing major but minor nicks and tucks here and there. I love the OWC, all the feedback helps turn it into a decent draft!