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This was a pretty decent read, Your dialogue/descriptions were tight and concise. Loved the parallel between the elk bugling and the wolves howling. The ending was good, satisfying too. Good work!
"I remember a time of chaos. Ruined dreams. This wasted land. But most of all, I remember The Road Warrior. The man we called 'Max'."
This was a pretty decent read, Your dialogue/descriptions were tight and concise. Loved the parallel between the elk bugling and the wolves howling. The ending was good, satisfying too. Good work!
Agreed. When the wolf runs off at the end, you just know he's screwed. One thing I notice in this script, as with most of the OWC scripts I've read today, there's lots of describing what the character thinks and feels. Only show us what can be filmed. But this is a minor nitpick and there wasn't too much of this to be a problem.
And what's most unsatisfying about a lot of short scripts like this, there is no real build up of tension or character for us to care about their journey. There could be a man vs. beast or man vs. nature and survival type story here.
As it is now, it's just circumstance, a few drinks and dumb luck that leads these two dudes into the unfortunate position they find themselves in.
As a story, I didn't care too much. But very strong writing skills and the ending itself was pretty satisfying .
I would have liked to see the guys a bit smarter. As is I didn't care too much. If they're clever and circumstances conspire against them and then you up the suspense because of them being ingenious in dire circumstances I'll be right behind them hoping they're going to make it against the odds.
Lander throws the only two weapons at his disposal - the knife and the bottle. Huh? Not smart. I do not want this guy in my life raft.
I don't think you did yourself any favours either with a line like this:
No! My legs! I can't feel my legs!
Suggests what you've written is tongue in cheek and a wink and a nod to your audience.
Watch out for descriptions like: He begins to frown. He frowns or grimaces,. That'll do on its own.
Not bad, like I said. I just feel it coulda' been a whole lot better.
Very descriptive writing. Almost too much, but I found it fine. I felt you really wanted us to not like these two, and given what you did to them and how it ends, looks like I was right. Too bad, it would have had a bigger impact if we thought Lander was at least somewhat decent.
I liked the ATV crash. It would have been good to leave us hanging there for a little longer (pun intended) before killing Cody.
I got confused by the choreography of the action. The belt breaks Lander's back, and somehow he ends up with his legs under the ATV? Is he no longer strapped in? And how does he look up and see Cody there if Cody was below him when it was suspended? It's not clear enough.
You tell us the belt broke Lander's back and he's paralyzed, but that's not information coming across in the visuals. It's a visual medium, the audience doesn't have the script to follow along. You do have Lander say he can't feel his legs (characters talking to themselves is always a dicey choice, you get away with that one because he doesn't know Cody is dead yet but the rest is iffy at best), and that's as much information as the reader should have.
The wolves was good. And really, it should have ended there. The bear at the end was the same beat, you held off just to repeat yourself. Sure, a bear is a bigger threat, but it amounts to the same thing for Lander. Unless you bring the bear into the same scene with the wolves first appearing, it's a weak ending.
Nice job despite the flaws. We've seen this before, but the writing elevated it for me. With some other improvements it would be quite enjoyable.
Yeah well written but nothing really original met all the criteria I guess - although it’s a ‘horrific’ situation the pair are in, its not a creature horror lol. Anyway neat story but not that memorable in the context of the challenge
More thriller than horror for me but well written, smooth and easy to follow. A satisfying ending as well.
I drifted with this and skimmed because I didn’t care for the characters. As they were two dumb hunters, I thought they deserved everything they got. The one that survived the crash even threw the knife, his only weapon away. This lessened the tension and I just couldn’t wait for him to meet his demise also.
The reader needs to want the main character to survive, so make them likeable.
Great job though.
-Mark
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It is very tempting to repeat the slug in the description - but doing so just adds words. It's no big deal, but just something to think about when trying to keep the writing as tight as possible.
Writing is pretty good - the story itself is not a horror and has no suspense. Outside of the challenge, the story is OK, no real point to it - more like a scene than an enclosed short.
Right off the bat, you're repeating your Slug, which is just completely unnecessary and a waste. And then, you repeat your time element, too? Damn, bro...not a good start.
In fact, your opening sentence is awkwardly written. "is set" - doesn't work. Nothing wrong with telling us where we are, but the way you're telling us, it's obvious, this should be a SUPER. You can always drop little clues in your action/description lines, but if you come right out and tell us where we are, use a SUPER instead.
The gun rack is on the hood? Hmmm, I don't think that makes any sense...am I missing something here?
To me, the writing on display here is missing something...it's dull. The dialogue is canned, not realistic.
Who is "Sam"?
"INT./EXT. ATV - NIGHT" - This is not correct. First of all, I'm against using INT/EXT, period, but here, it's just plain wrong. Is this ATV even capable of having an INT scene in it? It's an open vehicle, isn't it? And for the EXT scenes, we're not EXT ATV, we're EXT "CREST OF A HILL" or something like that.
"The gunshot was unexpected and Lander drops the spotlight." - Lines like this just don't work in a script.
"Cody, never having put on his seatbelt," - - Or lines like this.
So, you CUT TO BLACK and never FADE IN again? Wow...the rest of the film is ov er black, I guess.
"begins to" - never appropriate in a screenplay.
When you start a POV, you also have to end it.
"AAAAIIIIEEEE!" - Really? Almost like a pirate ARGH. Not good.
"crushed femurs" - Oh man...going way downhill, very fast!
I skimmed to the end, as the writing and story just aren't cutting it...at all.
This isn't horror. There is some suspense and you've got a vehicle, but overall this is weak and unbelievable. Writing, dialogue, characterization all not up to snuff.
A few editing issues but they're insignificant because the rest of the story is well told. A nice twist at the end too. Whenever wild animals are pitted against man, I'm often put in mind of Jack London's, Love of Life. In your story, instead of there being a handy ship waiting for rescue, there's a huge bear and the human loses. I like the final twist. Nice job.
This was a good read and I could just see these two clowns setting themselves up for the inevitable. Decent touch with the ATV hanging over Cody. Wish it was drawn out a bit more. That could have added to the suspense. As for horror, not much except for listening to the sound of your buddy getting torn up and eaten. But that too was over too quick.
Since he was paralyzed, you could have had the wolves eat his lower legs without knowing. That would've been horrific.
Didn't quite get the 'cut to black' transitions either. Not necessary, just go to the next scene.
Good work, writer. Good ending, too. "Shit". Poetry, man.
Pages: 1, 
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A Pinch - OWC
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