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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  Crazy In Love - OWC
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  Author    Crazy In Love - OWC  (currently 1338 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:22pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Crazy In Love by Warren Duncan (Warren) writing as The Mad Hatter - Short, RomCom, Dark - A woman battling mental health issues learns to let her guard down with the help of a quirky patient in a similar position. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  February 24th, 2019, 10:15am
revised script
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Cam Gray
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:30am Report to Moderator
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Hey there writer,

Right, this is so heavily laden with charm I may have to go get a bath to wash some of it off...it was really, REALLY good, absolutely loved every bit of it.

Where you might fall down slightly is it being classed a Romcom, I suspect some of the overtly zealous markers may have an issue there as it doesn't fit the usual tropes, but I most certainly did not have an issue and I'll let it by. Also, really good use of the required chocolate, red and flowers, creative.

It was beautiful, touching and just a fantastic little read.

Exceptionally well done!

Cam


23 Mu Mu’s in an ice cream van...
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LC
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 8:51am Report to Moderator
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Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

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Very well written!

Can't fault it, except to say I feel like I've seen it before.

That's all I got really.


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Koreanwriter2288
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 4:47pm Report to Moderator
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The relationship and characters were very well developed. Bravo.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:05pm Report to Moderator
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Well done. Expertly written. First couple of pages really drew me in. In fact, the first page was so well written, it was almost distracting.

Just scratching the surface of the characters... but, it is a short.

A contender for sure.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 5:23pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Page 2 - why is Henry's dialogue shown to be (V.O.)?  That makes no sense.

And why is the Older Woman's dialogue (O.S.)?  Very odd and a mistake.  If you're trying to direct exactly what's being seen, don't.

Another (V.O.)?  What's going on here?  Are you intending this stuff to be in Henry's head?  I don't see how that would work in a filmed version, since he's talking out loud as well.

Hmmm, a freeze frame?  Not my style, but some may appreciate it.

And now Ruby is speaking (O.S.)?  You're either trying too hard or overthinking things here, but it ain't working for me.

If I had just glanced at each page, I would have told you immediately that you're WAY overdoing things...like wrylies, like using O.S and V.O.   It's just too much and it's not remotely necessary.

Well...in numerous ways, this is good.  But, in numerous ways, it's not.  There's all the parameters present, and using "Red" as a nickname is solid, but for me, it doesn't scream out ROMCOM...at all.  There is some humor for sure, but absolutely nothing was laugh out loud humor, and the general theme here is sadness...at least to me.

It's an outside the box effort and if you can just learn not to try so hard and overthink your writing, it will shine much brighter.

***


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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eldave1
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 9:02pm Report to Moderator
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Really well written - top notch in that category.

A great setting for a story.

Most of the humerus stuff landed for me.

The props (roses, candy) could have been interwoven a bit more.

I wanted a little more deep conversation between the two to cement their burgeoning relationship - limited page count is a problem for sure - but the arc was a bit too fast.

So far, one of my favorites.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 8:19am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer

Not bad at all - Right now I am questioning what I actually think a Rom Com is - in fact, have I even watched one? - What I do know is, I like this one - I've only read a few but it's the best of them.

The doctor turning out to be a patient thing has been done a lot, but it wasn't used a big twist reveal at the end so I think it works fine.

I like the V.O narration - Added that bit extra

Comical moments I liked. I wanted the two to get together so that was good too.

Good job and well done on doing the challenge

Matt


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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 12:30pm Report to Moderator
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Another one I've of two minds about.

This is a strong effort. The characters were enjoyable, the dialogue was light and it never felt bloated. The main quibble I have is that it feels derivative. You didn't do much to expand upon other stories that take place inside mental institutions. Another thing I should note, although not an actual complaint, is that I wouldn't label this as a dark comedy. This doesn't fit in that vein. That doesn't make it bad or anything, just improperly categorized.

Now, there were some errors here and there and the comedy didn't play as well as I was hoping, but I'm not the world's premier comedy aficionado. Otherwise, a cute little story that did its job.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 1:56pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this and especially the setting was a nice change of pace.

It wasn't laugh out loud but more cute funny and served it's purpose as a ROMCOM.

The writing was excellent which made the script flow very easily.

Good job on entering


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Crazy In Love

Love the title.
Page 3

Love this

>DR MILLER
We’ve talked about this, Henry. Stop taking my coat.

Page 4

HENRY
(V.O.)
“Be your best self”, what does that even mean?

I think it means:

Make sure you get lots of roughage and try not to slit your wrists.  


It would have been nice if the group discussions included more comedy.
I think you could really work that angle and it would be fun.

Good potential here.

Thanks for the laugh with Henry. Oh, maybe tone down how Harry refers to
his other "inmates". Make it funny, but not cruel.

Quit stealing my coat...  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 7:03pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from irish eyes
I liked this and especially the setting was a nice change of pace.



Be careful what you say.  



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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khamanna
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer,

That's a very nice and very romantic story. Congrats on that. You're a great writer and this little piece is terrific.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:16pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from eldave1


A great setting for a story.



What's wrong with us!  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Spqr
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 2:07pm Report to Moderator
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Touching story, but there's little romance and no comedy. This is understandable given the confines of the hospital, so maybe the two of them should bust out of this shrink factory. While avoiding capture in the big city, they discover a reason to live and fall for each other.
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