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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -One Week Challenge  ›  Crazy In Love - OWC
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  Author    Crazy In Love - OWC  (currently 1367 views)
IamGlenn
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 7:21am Report to Moderator
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:)

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Hi,

I can see why people like this one. Well written and touching. I just felt like this was part of a bigger story. Maybe it could be. It wasn't laugh out loud hilarious but had some moments that made me smile.

Also, it seems like the romantic films about depressed/mentally ill people are all the rage lately. Just something I've noticed.

Good luck,
Glenn


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hawkeye
Posted: February 9th, 2019, 11:22am Report to Moderator
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Quite the well-written short, and it meets all the challenge requirements (in my book, at least).  A unique start, good dialogue, and nice characterization.  I think you could really make something of this with more pages to really delve into the story.

Hats off to you, one of my favorites so far, and I've a fiver on who I think wrote this.  

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 12:11am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Best script of the bunch!!!!

If you don't vote for it you'll get (... ... ... ) that much bad luck!



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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jayrex
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 4:45pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  Some humorous bits.  The ending for me fell flat.  I think the overall subject matter and location makes for a tough scenario for romance.

It was an easy read with some nice moments.  I just don't think you're quite there with this effort.

All the best.


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pale yellow
Posted: February 11th, 2019, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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OK THIS IS MY FAVORITE CONCEPT!! Great job! Logline = Great job!

You do a good job of setting up the characters and making us care about them.

Great writing on display.

Only thing I may mention is that there was not enough conflict between them.. usually in a rom/com there is some conflict.. we want them to get together but there is something in the way... so without the obstacles... it felt a little too easy if you know what I mean.

Love this one though. Good job!


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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I am a writer first and a critic second.

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Sorry, just catching up with your thread.  I was in the middle of scoring these and realized I hadn't read yours.

Well I gave this a read and didn't trip over or find anything I could offer improvement on what hasn't already been mentioned, save for... I still think you could ramp this up - the emotion, the comedy, and by better exploiting the premise.  

Overall, this was well written. The imagery worked and the characters were interesting, but you didn't fool anyone with Henry, I've seen that cliche dozens of times.

Code

HENRY, 30, suitably handsome with a five o�clock shadow that�s probably closer to midnight,  


I liked that intro.

I know comedy is subjective and there's different strokes for different folks and all, but I'm kind of wondering at what points in your story you expect people to laugh and why? Not to belabor the point, but...

I never saw anything remotely amusing about the three Stooges but I thought most of what Monty Python did was funny as hell.  So yeah, with roughly 354 views on your script, my guess is that some people did laugh or chuckle, and in that sense it was successful.

...it's just a pity that I do not consider this a rom-com in a true sense.  Kudos for finishing...


A-CAROLING FOR CHRISTMAS

GHOSTS OF APPALOOSA

RISE OF THE AMAZONS

THE SLEEPING TIGER

THE TIME GUARDIAN

"When I dive... I go deep, only to surface the hub when necessary."


Revision History (1 edits)
_ghostwriters  -  February 13th, 2019, 12:27am
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ReneC
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 2:54pm Report to Moderator
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This is pretty good! Henry is well characterized, the tone is light, the comedy is subjecthey, I see what you did there.  

It mostly lands. Your V.O. almost works, but it starts off sounding like narration and turns into his internal monologue. If you hadnt broken the fourth wall with your freeze frame, it might have been all right, but that was spoken directly to the audience.

Henry feeling ashamed or embarrassed by the doctor chastising him seems out of character. Hes too charismatic to let a little thing like that get him down.

The first scene in group therapy is almost entirely unnecessary. Its only there so the ending works. Cut it down, make it tighter.

Their cafeteria scene is okay, just a bit too easy. I know, ten pages...it would do well to let that breathe a bit, make it more organic. I do like that they bond over their attempted suicides.

As for the ending, theres a golden rule for delivering an emotional impact that you missed: show the REACTION to the moment. Ruby saying shes ready to talk is the setup for the emotion. Henrys reaction to it would have been the catalyst. The sentiment is there and its good, but it could have been much stronger with one more line.

Great effort, its one of the better entries.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Great entry. Loved the unusual setting and the compelling characters.

It's really well written and the romantic and comedic elements were perfectly balanced. It ticked all the right boxes.

I'll say it's faultless except for - Pedro Caldern de la "Barca".

The ending was a little abrupt, but at ten pages there wasn't room for more.

So far, one of my favs.

Good job on entering and well done!


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 2:14pm Report to Moderator
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Very well written.  One of the best in the contest.  

I have nothing to add or complain about.
Maybe the comedy is too light.   Its a tough argument, because its so good as is.

Kudos to you!
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 14th, 2019, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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It's written well, funny in the places that can't be filmed but I like that as it makes for a quick and amusing read.

Yep, really like this, my only complaint is that the last couple of pages feel a little rushed - probably due to page limit of the OWC... so I'd like a slightly fleshed out version at some point.

Well done writer.  


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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CameronD
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 2:12pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent. Best I've read so far.


http://www.TheFilmBox.org Movie reviews, news, and fun!
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Angry Bear
Posted: February 16th, 2019, 3:25pm Report to Moderator
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Read this one yesterday and voted on it too, but I was too under the influence of rum to type up a review. Sorry

I really liked this one. I enjoyed the setting. That on its own made it interesting right away.

Although I thought the V.O  was funny, I agree with Jeff that it might be weird to have it and him talking as well. Maybe a good director would be able to make it work.

I liked the use of the required items. Especially Ruby, which is red in case someone doesnt know and her red hair and nickname.

I liked the story too. Again, I agree with Jeff that its a little on the sad side, but I still felt the romance and it was humorous enough for me. One of the better once Ive read for sure.

Thanks for taking part in the OWC. Great job!  


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StevenClark
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Warren,

Had to get to this one. Nice job, definitely different and stood out among most others. I also wasnt a fan of the VO throughout, and felt some real dialogue from Henry would have stood out better, but I suppose I understand your rationale for using it. I also think a proper reveal of exactly why Ruby had attempted suicide would have connected us much more to her character, as well as Henry. Just a little shrimp on the barbie for thought. Overall it was pretty good. Congrats on winning the challenge - well deserved!!

Steve


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from StevenClark
Warren,

Had to get to this one. Nice job, definitely different and stood out among most others. I also wasnt a fan of the VO throughout, and felt some real dialogue from Henry would have stood out better, but I suppose I understand your rationale for using it. I also think a proper reveal of exactly why Ruby had attempted suicide would have connected us much more to her character, as well as Henry. Just a little shrimp on the barbie for thought. Overall it was pretty good. Congrats on winning the challenge - well deserved!!

Steve


Glad, Steve, you could get to read this.

If I'm not mistaken, YOU my friend are the writer of FLORIDA MAN!!! Which, my dear, would have been in my top three except for the ending. I thought Jeff might have written it.

I loved your script!!! And I've learned I'm a good judge if nothing else... of good scripts.

Re: Crazy...

I'm not skilled enough to know the best ways of using Voice Over, but I think we all agree that if we want to make this one better, it's to make it a little less sad.

I loved the opening humour. It was just so "right on" and I couldn't lose that. It's what did it for me. The author (YOU,WARREN!!!) hit the nail on the head; so yes, you better start thinking about "what's the best genre for me?".

The good feeling I had is that we all (or most of us) agreed that this was a top notch script.

It will tell you that you did a lot of things right. And, most importantly

gave us all a good and happy feeling.



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Warren
Posted: February 18th, 2019, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


Glad, Steve, you could get to read this.

If I'm not mistaken, YOU my friend are the writer of FLORIDA MAN!!! Which, my dear, would have been in my top three except for the ending. I thought Jeff might have written it.

I loved your script!!! And I've learned I'm a good judge if nothing else... of good scripts.

Re: Crazy...

I'm not skilled enough to know the best ways of using Voice Over, but I think we all agree that if we want to make this one better, it's to make it a little less sad.

I loved the opening humour. It was just so "right on" and I couldn't lose that. It's what did it for me. The author (YOU,WARREN!!!) hit the nail on the head; so yes, you better start thinking about "what's the best genre for me?".

The good feeling I had is that we all (or most of us) agreed that this was a top notch script.

It will tell you that you did a lot of things right. And, most importantly

gave us all a good and happy feeling.


Thanks for the read, Steve, and thanks for the repeat business, Sandra. I'm glad you like the script as much as you did

Personally I think losing the voice over would change the entire tone of this. I do think its necessary.

Jeff made a whole lot of points about the (V.O.) and the (O.S.), and the wrylies which I largely/completely ignored. At no point was I trying too hard. I was trying exactly as hard as I wanted, to set the scene I wanted to set. The old woman does speak OS as Henry walks away, Ruby does speak OS when Henry gets reprimanded by the doctor. All the wrylies serve a purpose. I told the story exactly the way I wanted to


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