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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -††One Week Challenge  ›  terms of Engagement (was Rose Bud) - OWC
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  Author    terms of Engagement (was Rose Bud) - OWC  (currently 763 views)
Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was well done.

I could easily picture it. Note you've got picture instead of pitcher in a couple spots.

Perhaps the Budweiser/Rose Bud/Citizen Kane reference won't be understood by all. And Rose Bud was his sled anyways, but Rose Bud as simply Rose Bud meaning in the Budweiser beer- ok, but still I don't know about that one. Anyways, everything else is good.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:30am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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OK, 3 more to go.  I'll try and give detailed notes on all 3 of these.

I like the opening Slug but I don't like the line that follows.

As I've mentioned before, when you use descriptors like "young" or "old", it's really impossible to "see" what you're after.  If I was in my 20's, what does "young" mean to me?  What about if I was in my 50's?  You get me?

"...the barís flat-screen TV" - We're in a a bar, so "the bar's" is unnecessary.  Pretty much all TV's nowadays are flat screen, so again, unnecessary.

Does it matter that the rag is white?

Another damn wrylie!  What's with this OWC's obsession with wrylies?  And then a bunch more...WTF?

a "picture" of Budweiser?  HA!  

Page 5 - "Fore" - I think you're looking for a contraction here, 'fore?

Awful lot of dialogue going on. For the most part, it's good, but in places, it feels off.  And your contractions aren't spelled correctly at all, which makes one wonder whether or not it's a typo/mistake.

Awful lot of wrylies, too.  Just way too many in such a short script.

Page 9 - "Tina at the bar wiping glasses.
Amy on a stool in front of her, reaching inside her purse." - Not sure why you chose to write these 2 lines passively?  No reason for it.

So...the twist...clever, I guess, but not really believable, but then again, in ROMCOMs, are things supposed to be believable?  Nah...not to me.  I like the final line and I always appreciate when a writer takes the time to think about such things as tying things back in.

I think this is pretty good.  It has humor, it has romance, but it also has a shitload of wrylies, which really take this down a notch.

***1/2



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Holy product placement! Nice little commercial you have here.  

I was kind of thinking the same as Mr. Blonde, it would have been better without the next day, but upon reflection the ending does work. Without that ending, I felt bad for Amy getting hitched to this loser. This way, we know that she knows exactly what she's in for.

You should edit out the couple at the start, it's misleading and unnecessary. Melvin was okay, but the comedic effect just isn't there, it needs some punch up. "Picture" instead of "pitcher" was a hard pill to swallow, especially since you did spell it correctly when Tina poured it. I actually thought he wanted a picture of a beer and was in for something zany.

It seems all your chips were on the title, and it just didn't do anything for me. More of a groan than a chuckle, I'm afraid.

Still, a solid entry, one of the better ones. Well done.


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jayrex
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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Not bad.  Nice little story.  Some humorous moments.  I wouldn't ever call a scribbled handwritten message as romantic, but hey ho, it's only a story.  Overall a nice middle of the road effort.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Okay, this one was refreshing.

The dialogue was good and I enjoyed the read, it was quick and straightforward.

Tina is a great character and I didn't see the twist coming, but the end undid it a little for me. I'd have like it more if all hadn't been staged by Amy.

All in all, a pretty solid entry.

Well done.


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khamanna
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer.

In fact, I know 100% who it belongs to. Kind of obvious - you are in the detail, all of you. That's how I know.

I liked it a lot. Please forgive me for not liking the twist. But nice job on the rest.
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big lew
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Rewriting Sucks!

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Hey Writer -

I am late to the game with my comments, and I haven seen all the thumbs-up or thumbs-down comments above , but I think you have a very good story.

I like the James-Tina-Amy triangle.  And I like the use of Melvin who is the opposition voice to Tina which forces James to make a decision: flight or fight for Amy.

He decides to fight for Amy, and the door slams behind Melvin on his way out to go home and probably write another alimony check.

Tina's character is a gem, well written, clever and entertaining.

A little outside of the traditional Rom Com story beats, boy has girl ( he already got her), boy loses girl, boy gets girl with the help of Tina.

And loved the final twist, girl "gotcha'" boy!

My favorite so far.

Thanks for Rose Bud.
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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A good clean, lighthearted entry. Got the romance down, but the humor didn't quite do it for me.

Tina has back-to-back dialogs on the bottom of page 6.

Writing was pretty good. No complaints here.

Not sure I liked the twist with Tina being "in on it" at the end. Kind of took away some of the punch.

Solid entry. Good job.

Zack


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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This Rose Bud's for you.

This was a nice, simple romcom that is actually a real romcom.  Kudos for that.


The bar was a little crowded for me.  James and Tina was all you needed to tell the story.
However, some of the patrons supplied some humor.

I liked James being a romantic lump.  

I thought James and Tina were going to end up together because their scene took up most of the story.  The twist was okay, but seemed tacked on.

Good writing.  Boxes were all checked.

Thanks for entering the contest.
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