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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    January 2019 -  One Week Challenge  ›  terms of Engagement (was Rose Bud) - OWC
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  Author    terms of Engagement (was Rose Bud) - OWC  (currently 764 views)
Don
Posted: February 1st, 2019, 11:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Terms of Engagement (was Rose Bud) by David Lambertson (eldave1) writing as -  Joaquín Guzmán - Short, RomCom - Sometimes a break-up is the first step towards an engagement. 10 pages - pdf format

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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  March 5th, 2019, 6:36pm
revised draft
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Mr. Blonde
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 10:58am Report to Moderator
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This one was nice and straightforward enough. I think I would've liked it better without the next day, though. Keeping Tina as a relationship solver works better without the addition. Still, despite a few grammatical and spelling issues, this was a nice, easy read.


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irish eyes
Posted: February 2nd, 2019, 3:11pm Report to Moderator
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I enjoyed it very simple concept and well executed.
I actually thought James would end up with Tina.

Nicely done and easy to read.

Good job on entering.

p.s if it wasn't for the title i wouldn't recommend Bud to my worst enemy


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LC
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 2:08am Report to Moderator
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A 'picture' of Bud?
'pitcher' further down, so...

Quite a lot to like here, the barmaid's advice, dialogue humming along. Tina's a smart cookie.
I did not like the twist though, even though Tina insisted on not taking the money.

My advice is ramp up how devastated James is and have Tina do her stuff, but have James  think he came up with the idea even though Tina directed him all the way. That'd be more romantic in my book.

Ooh, almost forgot... The discussion about the chocolates was top-notch!


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IamGlenn
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Yeah, I hope he's ordering a pitcher of Bud, not a picture. Wouldn't be much use in his situation.

I like this. Straight forward, nice little twist and we'll written. Could see this getting made too. Good job. My favourite so far.

Glenn.


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Warren
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 6:54am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

This is a pretty solid entry. I feel it's another that's too heavy on the dialogue it terms of the fact that most of the short felt like dialogue, saying that it was very well written. If it was part of a bigger piece I don't think I'd mind but as is, it's too much for my personal taste.

Pretty simple story, nothing groundbreaking, but meets all the parameters perfectly.

Another good entry.

All the best.


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hawkeye
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:31pm Report to Moderator
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Good solid effort here.  I think the whole sequence with Melvin, Tina and James was a bit much and took up almost a whole page.  We're getting the gist of James' problem with his discussion with Tina -- we don't need more of it with Melvin also.

A few smiles to be had and the writing was good, so a solid effort here.  Good job!  Now get me a picture of Bud. (that would have been funny if she had actually brought him a picture of a Bud instead of a pitcher).

Best,
Gary


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Vincent
Posted: February 3rd, 2019, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Decently written, hits all the requirements. A reasonably made rom-com.
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PKCardinal
Posted: February 4th, 2019, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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Nice little short. Fun.

Rose Bud was a little forced, but, it didn't throw me.

Pretty well written (save for twice using picture - good thing you used pitcher later, or we'd have all given you tremendous guff - just for our own enjoyment.)

I didn't see the twist coming. The short could survive just fine without it, but, I think it works either way.

Pretty strong entry. Not my favorite, but I enjoyed it.


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_ghostwriters
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:21am Report to Moderator
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You are not reinventing any wheels here, but this is good, I liked it, but I would pull back a little with Melvin, and I'm the last person to say that.

Kudos for finishing.


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Cam Gray
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Wwwwwrrriiiitt-ta-ta-ta-ta (Shooting Stars Ulrika Johnson style, for the Brits, Bob Mortimer was on Desert Island Discs podcast, enough of a ramble),

This was fun! If we can take anything from this challenge it is that a romcom is hard to do, not because they need to be complicated and noggin bending, but because they are generally simple in premise and execution. It’s a compliment to say that this is simple in premise and executed itself exceptionally well, with a relationship arc smuggled in amongst it and some secondary characters to push it along.

What others have lacked, the comedy, was picked up through the bumbling bar scene and the criteria was met in a creative manner and everything ticked off. It made men out to be about as romantic as a dumpster fire (I’m a man and I stand by that generalisation, there are exceptions obviously) and that was funny, and his missus had it rigged the whole bloody time.

It was a goodie.

Cam


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Spqr
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 1:23pm Report to Moderator
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James is so dense, he does have to be manipulated into proposing. The question is why does Amy want to marry such a guy? Does she feel incomplete without a husband and doesn't have the energy to find another guy? Or is there something about James that makes him desirable? I'd like a hint as to why Amy would go to all the trouble of bagging this dullard.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: February 5th, 2019, 6:24pm Report to Moderator
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Simple and straightforward, the twist wasn;t very twisty, but...

It was well written and enjoyed it.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 8:35am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

I'm jumping right in.

I like your writing style, it's giving me nice visuals in very few words. The kinda writing I am trying, and failing, to do.

Here come the roses and chocolates - let's hope they play a part in this story.

OK, we got the "tell your woes" to the bartender set up - Is this going to be similar to the tattoo entry I wonder?

I really like your writing, and your dialogue - I am getting a distinct character from your, well, characters. They are individuals. At this point though, I don't feel much for James.

With all this dialogue, the story is dragging a little bit for me - And on a screen, there isn't a whole lot to be looking at.

The chocolates/red/roses are not mere props in this story - so well done for actually incorporating them - bonus points lol

Wow, how manipulative of Amy lol and it gets rid of the question - Do bartenders actually give out advice like this in real life? - as your story explains it.

I feel like you have played it safe with this, but you have done it very well - Best to do the simple things well than the complicated things badly.

Visually I don't think there is a lot going on - And, same as the other entry that is similar, Tina is a bit too nice - I thought making her a bit more mean/sarcastic/blunt would add something, I don't know.

Anyway, well done on this entry.


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StevenClark
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 10:46am Report to Moderator
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Writer,

Nicely done. Perhaps the build up was a little long — could’ve trimmed a page from this. You had a nice twist/reveal. The romance was alluded to, even so, I suppose it’s still
Considered a rom com. Visually it was fine, though not really funny at all. Could have worked in the humor a bit, but this is one of the better ones. Good job!

Steve


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: February 6th, 2019, 2:37pm Report to Moderator
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This was well done.

I could easily picture it. Note you've got picture instead of pitcher in a couple spots.

Perhaps the Budweiser/Rose Bud/Citizen Kane reference won't be understood by all. And Rose Bud was his sled anyways, but Rose Bud as simply Rose Bud meaning in the Budweiser beer- ok, but still I don't know about that one. Anyways, everything else is good.  

Sandra



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Dreamscale
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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OK, 3 more to go.  I'll try and give detailed notes on all 3 of these.

I like the opening Slug but I don't like the line that follows.

As I've mentioned before, when you use descriptors like "young" or "old", it's really impossible to "see" what you're after.  If I was in my 20's, what does "young" mean to me?  What about if I was in my 50's?  You get me?

"...the bar’s flat-screen TV" - We're in a a bar, so "the bar's" is unnecessary.  Pretty much all TV's nowadays are flat screen, so again, unnecessary.

Does it matter that the rag is white?

Another damn wrylie!  What's with this OWC's obsession with wrylies?  And then a bunch more...WTF?

a "picture" of Budweiser?  HA!  

Page 5 - "Fore" - I think you're looking for a contraction here, 'fore?

Awful lot of dialogue going on. For the most part, it's good, but in places, it feels off.  And your contractions aren't spelled correctly at all, which makes one wonder whether or not it's a typo/mistake.

Awful lot of wrylies, too.  Just way too many in such a short script.

Page 9 - "Tina at the bar wiping glasses.
Amy on a stool in front of her, reaching inside her purse." - Not sure why you chose to write these 2 lines passively?  No reason for it.

So...the twist...clever, I guess, but not really believable, but then again, in ROMCOMs, are things supposed to be believable?  Nah...not to me.  I like the final line and I always appreciate when a writer takes the time to think about such things as tying things back in.

I think this is pretty good.  It has humor, it has romance, but it also has a shitload of wrylies, which really take this down a notch.

***1/2



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ReneC
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 11:31am Report to Moderator
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Holy product placement! Nice little commercial you have here.  

I was kind of thinking the same as Mr. Blonde, it would have been better without the next day, but upon reflection the ending does work. Without that ending, I felt bad for Amy getting hitched to this loser. This way, we know that she knows exactly what she's in for.

You should edit out the couple at the start, it's misleading and unnecessary. Melvin was okay, but the comedic effect just isn't there, it needs some punch up. "Picture" instead of "pitcher" was a hard pill to swallow, especially since you did spell it correctly when Tina poured it. I actually thought he wanted a picture of a beer and was in for something zany.

It seems all your chips were on the title, and it just didn't do anything for me. More of a groan than a chuckle, I'm afraid.

Still, a solid entry, one of the better ones. Well done.


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jayrex
Posted: February 7th, 2019, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad.  Nice little story.  Some humorous moments.  I wouldn't ever call a scribbled handwritten message as romantic, but hey ho, it's only a story.  Overall a nice middle of the road effort.


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Philostrate
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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Hi Writer,

Okay, this one was refreshing.

The dialogue was good and I enjoyed the read, it was quick and straightforward.

Tina is a great character and I didn't see the twist coming, but the end undid it a little for me. I'd have like it more if all hadn't been staged by Amy.

All in all, a pretty solid entry.

Well done.


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khamanna
Posted: February 10th, 2019, 5:54pm Report to Moderator
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Hey writer.

In fact, I know 100% who it belongs to. Kind of obvious - you are in the detail, all of you. That's how I know.

I liked it a lot. Please forgive me for not liking the twist. But nice job on the rest.
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big lew
Posted: February 12th, 2019, 3:45pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Writer -

I am late to the game with my comments, and I haven seen all the thumbs-up or thumbs-down comments above , but I think you have a very good story.

I like the James-Tina-Amy triangle.  And I like the use of Melvin who is the opposition voice to Tina which forces James to make a decision: flight or fight for Amy.

He decides to fight for Amy, and the door slams behind Melvin on his way out to go home and probably write another alimony check.

Tina's character is a gem, well written, clever and entertaining.

A little outside of the traditional Rom Com story beats, boy has girl ( he already got her), boy loses girl, boy gets girl with the help of Tina.

And loved the final twist, girl "gotcha'" boy!

My favorite so far.

Thanks for Rose Bud.
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Zack
Posted: February 13th, 2019, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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A good clean, lighthearted entry. Got the romance down, but the humor didn't quite do it for me.

Tina has back-to-back dialogs on the bottom of page 6.

Writing was pretty good. No complaints here.

Not sure I liked the twist with Tina being "in on it" at the end. Kind of took away some of the punch.

Solid entry. Good job.

Zack


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DaveTroop
Posted: February 15th, 2019, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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This Rose Bud's for you.

This was a nice, simple romcom that is actually a real romcom.  Kudos for that.


The bar was a little crowded for me.  James and Tina was all you needed to tell the story.
However, some of the patrons supplied some humor.

I liked James being a romantic lump.  

I thought James and Tina were going to end up together because their scene took up most of the story.  The twist was okay, but seemed tacked on.

Good writing.  Boxes were all checked.

Thanks for entering the contest.
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