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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Living the Lie
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  Author    OWC - Living the Lie  (currently 2728 views)
Don
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 9:49pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Living the Lie by Anonymous - Short, Drama - A man reels from the discovery of a wife's long hidden secret. - pdf, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Dreamscale
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Yes, that is my real hair...

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Well, there is some thought here, but that's about it.  For me the joke ending falls pretty flat.

Really dull, no visuals until the end, and a couple glaring typos (PEAT/PETA and vegen/vegan).

Just didn't do it for me, but I guess it's better than most so far.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  May 19th, 2010, 12:42pm
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:54pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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What is:

Well dressed?

What is:

Old fashioned styled glass?

I've read this twice now and I don't understand this.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:55pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I agree with Jeff as the ending fell pretty flat.

I knew it was a matter of time before we get PETA involved in some of these stories and the intentions of this story were good but it just didn't fully do it for me in the end.

Pretty clean writing though and a nice effort.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from greg
I agree with Jeff as the ending fell pretty flat.

I knew it was a matter of time before we get PETA involved in some of these stories and the intentions of this story were good but it just didn't fully do it for me in the end.

Pretty clean writing though and a nice effort.


Disagree with the clean writing completely. I don't want to give the writer a lie.

Sorry, but no. Not clean writing.

A good effort for working because it's not easy.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I wanted to clarify:

Clean writing is a very broad statement, but let's consider this:

Dramatic music plays as HAROLD, a well-dressed man in his 40ís,
walks into the room.

We shouldn't write this kind of thing because "dramatic" is not descriptive enough.

What is dramatic to you and what is dramatic to me and what is dramatic to the next guy is entirely different.

We can't just pleck off something and think it's a one size fits all.

Let's not fool ourselves.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:06pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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My definition of clean writing refers to grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, etc.  In that sense, the script was easy to read.  Maybe I should start using "technically clean writing"?

Though the dramatic music threw me off too.  I was thinking, like, superhero music when I read that.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:10pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from greg
My definition of clean writing refers to grammar, sentence structure, punctuation, etc.  In that sense, the script was easy to read.  Maybe I should start using "technically clean writing"?

Though the dramatic music threw me off too.  I was thinking, like, superhero music when I read that.


I understand. I'm still not clear enough either. That's why we're here.

Luvya and my friends here at Simply,  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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greg
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:14pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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Quoted from Sandra Elstree.


Luvya and my friends here at Simply,  



We love you too, Sandra


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khamanna
Posted: May 16th, 2010, 11:47pm Report to Moderator
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couple technical points: dialog on page 2 hangs; no page numbers.

the story is simple. The twist is a bit predictable for me.

I liked the fact that there's no vegan versus carnivore banter.

Overall, I enjoyed it. Could be deeper, I think but still a fun read. I appreciate the comedic elements, some dialog is pretty funny, like the last line.
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Andrew
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:00am Report to Moderator
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A comedy and a very dry script. There doesn't appear to have been much thought towards the location, and it's only virtue of "Jeeves" that we get a sense this is a wealthy household. Too much focus on the dialogue and not enough on building the setting, or contextualising the script.

To be fair, I think you wrote this quick, and wanted to chuck out a joke which had come to you.

Andrew


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screenrider
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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This one didn't do anything for me.  But, at least you tried.   I'm sorry, I really don't have anything else to say about it.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from screenrider

This one didn't do anything for me.  But, at least you tried.   I'm sorry, I really don't have anything else to say about it.


Thank you Rider...

Because it's nice to hear honesty. There are some gems here when we take the time.

Let's just all write a whole load of it until we get to the good stuff shall we.  

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from screenrider

This one didn't do anything for me.  But, at least you tried.   I'm sorry, I really don't have anything else to say about it.


I had the same though as I read it. Stereotyped characters. Only one question: how a wife could hide something to her husband after all these years in any matter?

It wasn't an easy challenge anyway....

Michel


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Trojan
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:09am Report to Moderator
Been around a while


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I see this is by the same author who wrote Farm Girl. Wasn't really enough of a story there to comment on and this is more of the same really. It's not that it was bad, there just really wasn't much to it. Ironically for a script that revolves around meat, there was actually very little meat to this story.

It's like you are providing us with this set up to make us think one thing and then surprise us with a twist at the end. Which ordinarily, would be fine. But since we know what the theme is we know what is coming, so the whole build up feels laboured and forced as the ending is inevitably a let down.

Congrats on completing multiple entries for the challenge though.

Cheers,
Tim.
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