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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    May 2010 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - In The Flesh
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  Author    OWC - In The Flesh  (currently 2220 views)
Don
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 5:33pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In The Flesh by A Meat Eater - Short, Drama - A man and a woman have a discussion about their dietary differences and things go from bad to worse to eww. - pdf, format


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Cam17
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:21pm Report to Moderator
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Well, there's a fun little tale for the kids.  Gruesome and completely distasteful, but it did have some power to it.  I think it could have been trimmed by a couple of pages.  The man blathered on a bit too long, IMO.  I'm very grateful the story ended before that pug became supper.

Not bad for an OWC, but a couple of extra weeks to work on this one would help it a lot.


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jwent6688
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:32pm Report to Moderator
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Wherever I go, there Jwent.

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Oofa, this one was hard to stomach. Guess it somewhat fits the challenge. I agree, I'm glad it ended when it did.

The dialogue seemed pretty good, though there was alot of it. Interesting take on the theme.

James


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stevie
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 6:43pm Report to Moderator
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Wow, this was pretty full on! The writing was done well, so it hooked you right in.
i liked the premise of it, the revenge angle. And the vegan/carnivore thing was worked in nicely.
It did get nasty at the end, almost revolting. But i guess it was sort of inevitable.

nice job!


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Dreamscale
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Yes, that is my real hair...

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Quite twisted and very real and gritty for sure.

I appreciate those qualities every time.  Problem was that the middle was just way too long and expository.  The Man just had to tell us everything in exact detail, almost like a James Bond villain laying out his master scheme.  No reason fro all that, as it also dragged down the read.

Serious amount of missed commas everywhere that also made for a tougher read than necessary.

The Woman's dialogue was rather weak and unrealistic, while the Man's was well done until he went a little over the top.

Good entry though for sure.  You took it seriously and delivered some gruesome, hard hitting stuff here.

It's a hard script to "like", but it's easily the best I've read so far.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:23pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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I base my crits on the skill of the writer. The writer here has skill.

I'm going to use Cindy's Fortune Teller advice and say,

"I have to stop here."

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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James McClung
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:39pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was pretty bad. Things picked up when the kitten was introduced but that didn't really help too much. First off, the woman is obviously terrified and fearing for her life. I feel like it's impossible the vegan/carnivore argument would take place. Why would she even try to argue with him? The dialogue was pretty bad. Too dependent on profanity for the man's part and the woman was just a token victim. Nothing to her at all. No reason to care. Once the son's death is revealed, any sympathy that she could've had is lost.

I feel like shock value might've been a factor here but just the same, it worked. Eating raw kittens and puppies is insanely vile and even more disturbing that it's a vegan who has to do it. So kudos for that. Still, everything leading up to it was just way too hokey so it wasn't nearly as strong as it could've been, I don't think. It also felt pretty rushed.

This is the first script where I have a feeling I know who the writer is. If it is indeed them, I have to say I'm disappointed as I know they're capable of better. If not, no worries. A pretty poor script with some genuinely effective shock value.


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greg
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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Oh Hi

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I don't like to get too deep into the backstories of shorts written in a week, but I kept thinking to myself: doesn't this dude have a wife or something?  If the guy was a convict-druggie-douchebag-mental case-never-did-anything-with-his-life kinda guy then I could see him doing something so sadistic, but that wasn't the case here.  He was a family man!  He had a son, maybe he had a woman or maybe not, but I couldn't really believe that he would kidnap this woman and force her to eat domesticated animals.  The debate kind of seemed out of place too.  Woman gets taken hostage, gets the crap beaten out of her...then gets into a debate about eating animals with the dude.  

In terms of shock value and intensity you succeeded.  I actually liked very much how you ended it with the "main course" and his dessert line.  The whole thing with the kitten was definitely a gut-wrenching situation, no pun intended.

So, I like the grit you brought to the table with your interpretation but I did have a problem with believability.  However, I'll give you a good job anyway.

And I know exactly who wrote this.  The intestines are the calling card of one of the horror writers on this board.  


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khamanna
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 7:49pm Report to Moderator
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It was a breeze to read.

A lot of dialog was not a bother at all. i think it's visual, simple, the vegan/carnivore banter is well worked into the story an is an integral part of it.

It was a fun read and overall I think it's a very good work. Well written too.
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:30pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from James McClung
I thought this was pretty bad. Things picked up when the kitten was introduced but that didn't really help too much. First off, the woman is obviously terrified and fearing for her life. I feel like it's impossible the vegan/carnivore argument would take place. Why would she even try to argue with him? The dialogue was pretty bad. Too dependent on profanity for the man's part and the woman was just a token victim. Nothing to her at all. No reason to care. Once the son's death is revealed, any sympathy that she could've had is lost.

I feel like shock value might've been a factor here but just the same, it worked. Eating raw kittens and puppies is insanely vile and even more disturbing that it's a vegan who has to do it. So kudos for that. Still, everything leading up to it was just way too hokey so it wasn't nearly as strong as it could've been, I don't think. It also felt pretty rushed.

This is the first script where I have a feeling I know who the writer is. If it is indeed them, I have to say I'm disappointed as I know they're capable of better. If not, no worries. A pretty poor script with some genuinely effective shock value.


James, I do hear you.

There is some bad writing in here, but I tried to look away and acknowledge the good.

You know what? As I'm working, I often hear the T.V. in the background when my husband is watching. Oh my Lord Jesus Christ, the dialogue sucks so bad I want to throw up. And people watch and listen to that shit.

Thanks to anyone who sends me something that has "the love". Can't explain it totally, but when people inject that quality into their work, you know it.

Here's a series I felt that love-- the writing and actors together:



Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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screenrider
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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This might've had a better chance had it been posted as a regular short and not an OWC.  As it stands, gotta deduct points for not complying with the genre.   This is a horror that would give Eli Roth nightmares.  
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 8:39pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from screenrider

This might've had a better chance had it been posted as a regular short and not an OWC.  As it stands, gotta deduct points for not complying with the genre.   This is a horror that would give Eli Roth nightmares.  


Me thinks you're right.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Grandma Bear
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:07pm Report to Moderator
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This one was hard to stomach????

I once was told by "Nixon" that I and this other person were the sickest fucks at SS... well, I'm pretty sure my "sick friend" wrote this one!  

I'm not saying this to be nice. I never do and you know this by now, but I liked this one. I even see it as drama rather than horror too. Horrific situation for sure, but that doesn't mean it's a horror.

I thought you had a good story/plot and he had enough reason to do what he did. Would I do the same thing? Hell no! but I did understand his actions. Great conflict with the Vegan killing a human!

Great work dude...or dudette in case I'm wrong who wrote this!

PS. I've always said you do drama best.  


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Blakkwolfe
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:10pm Report to Moderator
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Yuck. Some good tension built, but swings too far to the horror side, I think. Not a big deal though, especially compared to some of the other entrys so far. There is some character development going on, some motivation for the anatagonist to be as sado-psycho vicious as he is (Reminds me somewhat of John Giotti's neighbor). Don't care for the torture/saw kind of stuff (unless I write it, course) and this went pretty far over the top with the kittens and puppies- seemed too easy. How can this lady, who is in a very dire predicament, as a heroine, get out? Having her rely only on her wits, character and nothing more than her words is much more challenging to write.


Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: May 17th, 2010, 9:36pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Blakkwolfe
... and this went pretty far over the top with the kittens and puppies- seemed too easy. How can this lady, who is in a very dire predicament, as a heroine, get out? Having her rely only on her wits, character and nothing more than her words is much more challenging to write.


I always enjoy reading your comments because they're intelligent.

Smart man that Blakkwolfe.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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