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Allured by Pii Anttonen (Pii) - Short, Gothic Horror - An eerie castle, dribbling candles, a lost officer and a bunch of ghosts. You know, the usual stuff. 7 pages, 7 characters, G rating - pdf, format
I was wondering where this was going, thought it was a bit clunky, then that last page. My eyes opened, and I smiled. Nice. I was concerned about DINNER GUESTS being the stock generic characters, but the reveal of who Franz is was worth it , I think. Could have used a page or two to help him with the revelation, but at least it made sense. Didn't have much problem with two main characters having names that start with "Fr" as much as I first thought. Some folks might nitpick a bit with you on that though.
===SPOLIERS== -- So Franz IS the "master" of the castle? "He's been gone for some time" "Served in the war" Seems to be nice clues without being OTN. Great job.
So Franz "returns" every year? This is why I think this needs an extra page or two. At some point he has to 'leave' the castle estate, return a year later with no memory of the place, correct?
More I think about it, I actually like this piece more than I normally would. Probably because I'm giving you points for being clever in a OWC.
Good story, flopped a little at the end - the twist is great, was used in that Nicole Kidman movie, "The Others", but in this script it needed a bit more of a build up and felt rushed, forced.
The diners' didn't react in a realistic way - some of them knew of the ghost and others did not yet were fine with a dismissive "oh, he comes every year".
So if Freidrich is a ghost too, why the exposition about the master being gone for some time, if Franz IS the master of the house as suggested by darrenjamesseeley (awesome name) he doesnt recognize his home and does that make Friedrich a real person, lying about the real people in the castle?
The characters relationships just need a bit of tightening and consistency.
Otherwise a good story and definitely pulled me in.
Honestly, I think you could have gone farther with it. The ending seemed a bit abrupt, there could have been more tension. More lead in.
Having the young woman shush Franz was a very cute touch. I also like his old fashion reaction to her, appropriate for the times (ie: he didn't immediately start salivating and try to ravish her.)
Two quick questions/criticism on it, though:
1) Franz's equipment blew away? Light weaponry they issued back then, I guess. 2) Why would the old man tell him that they were the only two there. Wouldn't he know that would confused poor, deceased Franz?
But cute story - and a very fun character. Embellish it a bit, and it'll be even better.
This script adheres to the literal version of the OWC rules. Typo in the very first sentence. Ouch. Second time on page one you’ve misspelled “through”. Lack of proofreading does not excite me to read your work. Usual assortment of ghostly atmosphere with a clever twist. It’s been done in a feature, but you handled it pretty well. Though, I don’t get why Friedrich lied about the people. Why not tell the truth about “others” appearing? Thanks for playing OWC.
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Good effort. I won't harp on the typos too much, just be aware that if your pages have spelling and grammar mistakes they work against you, no matter how tolerant the reader. If your story is kick-ass it's less of a problem, but that's not the case here, sorry to say.
I did enjoy reading the twist at the end, you pulled it off well. The thing that's really missing from the rest of the script is conflict. Everything is just too easy, it makes the twist fall a little flat. You need to raise the tension at the start so the pay-off of the twist realizes its full potential.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Not bad for a weeks worth, fit the challenge pretty well. Felt the dialog was a bit hokey though. fun twist at the end, gave me a chuckle. I do prefer more horror in my horror, but nothing wrong with going a bit lighter, more variety the better i guess. Good job on finishing the OWC.