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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Allured - OWC
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  Author    Allured - OWC  (currently 8340 views)
Don
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 8:24am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Allured by Pii Anttonen (Pii) - Short, Gothic Horror -  An eerie castle, dribbling candles, a lost officer and a bunch of ghosts. You know, the usual stuff. 7 pages, 7 characters, G rating - pdf, format


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Revision History (3 edits; 1 reasons shown)
Don  -  October 17th, 2016, 4:55pm
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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 10:32am Report to Moderator
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I was wondering where this was going, thought it was a bit clunky, then that last page.
My eyes opened, and I smiled. Nice. I was concerned about DINNER GUESTS being the stock generic characters, but the reveal of who Franz is was worth it , I think. Could have used a page or two to help him with the revelation, but at least it made sense.
Didn't have much problem with two main characters having names that start with "Fr" as much as I first thought. Some folks might nitpick a bit with you on that though.

===SPOLIERS==
-- So Franz IS the "master" of the castle? "He's been gone for some time" "Served in the war" Seems to be nice clues without being OTN. Great job.

So Franz "returns" every year? This is why I think this needs an extra page or two. At some point he has to 'leave' the castle estate, return a year later with no memory of the place, correct?

More I think about it, I actually like this piece more than I normally would. Probably because I'm giving you points for being clever in a OWC.

Good job overall.


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GM
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 11:27am Report to Moderator
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Creative. This is really good. But how does Franz not know about what happened to him?

Hope this helps,
Gabe
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 11:33am Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS BELOW (NOT JUST THE SCRIPT!)


Good story, flopped a little at the end - the twist is great, was used in that Nicole Kidman movie, "The Others", but in this script it needed a bit more of a build up and felt rushed, forced.

The diners' didn't react in a realistic way - some of them knew of the ghost and others did not yet were fine with a dismissive "oh, he comes every year".

So if Freidrich is a ghost too, why the exposition about the master being gone for some time, if Franz IS the master of the house as suggested by darrenjamesseeley (awesome name) he doesnt recognize his home and does that make Friedrich a real person, lying about the real people in the castle?

The characters relationships just need a bit of tightening and consistency.

Otherwise a good story and definitely pulled me in.


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Ectoplasm
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 3:04pm Report to Moderator
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Can I have a sip?

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I enjoyed this, and didn't see the twist coming, which was interesting. A good and unique ghost story, which is not the easiest thing to come by nowadays.
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c m hall
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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I found this to be a somewhat slow read but imagine it would film well, it's charmingly atmospheric, and for that reason, memorable.
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wonkavite
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 6:05pm Report to Moderator
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*Spoilers*

This one was cute - and well written - kudos!  

Honestly, I think you could have gone farther with it.  The ending seemed a bit abrupt, there could have been more tension.  More lead in.  

Having the young woman shush Franz was a very cute touch.  I also like his old fashion reaction to her, appropriate for the times (ie: he didn't immediately start salivating and try to ravish her.)  

Two quick questions/criticism on it, though:

1) Franz's equipment blew away?  Light weaponry they issued back then, I guess.  
2) Why would the old man tell him that they were the only two there.  Wouldn't he know that would confused poor, deceased Franz?

But cute story - and a very fun character.  Embellish it a bit, and it'll be even better.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 6:37pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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This script adheres to the literal version of the OWC rules.
Typo in the very first sentence. Ouch.
Second time on page one you’ve misspelled “through”.
Lack of proofreading does not excite me to read your work.
Usual assortment of ghostly atmosphere with a clever twist.
It’s been done in a feature, but you handled it pretty well.
Though, I don’t get why Friedrich lied about the people.
Why not tell the truth about “others” appearing?
Thanks for playing OWC.

Regards,
E.D.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 1:05pm Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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This was a nice little read. I should put you in detention for the typos though.  

The logline was a bit too casual for me. "the usual stuff" thing had me wondering if I should bother. I don't want "the usual stuff"; so don't write that kind of thing.

Is this ghost misunderstood? I think yes, implicitly, but I think we need to know "why" he comes around every time this year.

I think since you mean this to be a humorous piece, you could easily start this with V.O. and create it as fashioned more for children. Amp up that vibe like:

WONKY NARRATOR(V.O)
Looong ago and far away...

Type of thing...

WONKY  NARRATOR(V.O.)
And people thought him crazy to keep
returning every year. Same time.
Same place. What's his deal anyway?

**And show the flashback of what is causing him to return.

Your story goes along and then:

In the end, the people seem to think he's whacked, but:

We learn, he's just a ghost that's terribly misunderstood.

So yes, I think you need to work that angle.

Great job for the OWC.

Sandra



A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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Nomad
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 10:49am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one.  I didn't see the twist coming.  It all seemed a little cliché for the most part but once it ended, I found myself enjoying the read.  Well done.


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ReneC
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 11:57am Report to Moderator
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Good effort. I won't harp on the typos too much, just be aware that if your pages have spelling and grammar mistakes they work against you, no matter how tolerant the reader. If your story is kick-ass it's less of a problem, but that's not the case here, sorry to say.

I did enjoy reading the twist at the end, you pulled it off well. The thing that's really missing from the rest of the script is conflict. Everything is just too easy, it makes the twist fall a little flat. You need to raise the tension at the start so the pay-off of the twist realizes its full potential.


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Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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I was really enjoying this. The classic haunted house vibe, the eerie butler.

But just as I was really getting into it, it just ended. It sorted of worked, but was basically a watered down version of the Others.

Don't know what to suggest to really improve it, feels like the start of something interesting, but it never went anywhere for long enough for me to suggest a possible direction.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 4:29pm Report to Moderator
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Hello Richard, if that is who you are?

Fun read and enjoyed it. The first comment I wrote was cheesy, as the set up was like that, but of course it was meant to be.

The twist was good, and as another has said it reminded me of " the others", but well played.

In essence I would say you have more opportunity with this and it could do with being longer. Milk it.

Nice early reveal in the returning soldier.

Rather than happy dining guests, who seem at ease with a ghost walking in and then debating what was wrong about that, I think you could play the two off each other for laughs.

Well done.

All the best.


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skp1987
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 2:03am Report to Moderator
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Sweet twist.
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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 8:57am Report to Moderator
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Not bad for a weeks worth, fit the challenge pretty well. Felt the dialog was a bit hokey though. fun twist at the end, gave me a chuckle. I do prefer more horror in my horror, but nothing wrong with going a bit lighter, more variety the better i guess. Good job on finishing the OWC.


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