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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Allured - OWC
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  Author    Allured - OWC  (currently 8339 views)
albinopenguin
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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several typos in here, including missing question marks, misspellings, etc.

i was enjoying this up one until the ending. i liked the tone of it (it was somewhat comical), but, as others have mentioned, it's been done before. you even mimicked the solider coming home from the others. that right there kind of killed it for me.

would definitely heighten the suspense and lengthen it. and try to add your own unique spin to it.


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dogglebe
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 12:33pm Report to Moderator
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I didn't see the twist coming and enjoyed it when it happened.  This was an enjoyable read and I think the author should give it a rewrite after the OWC.  Address some of the questions posed by the previous readers and you'll have a very good script.


Phil
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 3:14pm Report to Moderator
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Good news is that I read the entire script.  bad news is that it didn't do anything for me.

I see zero horror here.  Dialogue sounds ao far from authentic...almost like it was written by a child.

Lots of mistakes throughout the script, in terms of grammar, typos, misspellings, punctuation.  No ages given for the characters, some unfilmables, some awkward phrasings.

As for the twist?  Yeah, it comes off as a surprise, but it seems to be handled as a joke, and is misleading based on the conversations between Franz and Friedrich.  So, it doesn't work for me, sorry to say.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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JCShadow
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 5:16pm Report to Moderator
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I have to agree with some of the other reviews here. It was cute and I did have a laugh out loud moment when the woman turned to shush him in bed.

The situation is right out of "The Others" and it did cross my mind as I was reading this.

Some of the dialogue is strange and disjointed.

There is quite a bit missing technically that could use fixing and adding.

Congrats on finishing the challenge.

John


The Door (Horror/Thriller) - 116 Pages

Currently Working On:
The Devil's Brigade
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leitskev
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 6:56pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty cool little story. Could use some polishing, but pretty cool.

Sorry I don't have more to offer. Not much more needed here. This story accomplished what it set out to. Could maybe be lengthened a little.

The purgatory comment worked really well with the twist, especially for those that are a fan of irony. Very well done on that, very well.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 9:35pm Report to Moderator
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This is not Gothic Horror.

I didn`t take it serious after your logline.
Typo on 1st line did not help and few more mistakes on a 7 page script shows signs of laziness.
I saw it all before not only from "The Others"
and for some reason the ending was not a surprise to me.

Still you got a script out on OWC and for that I applaud


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rc1107
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Well, I had a smile on my face at the ending.  That's an accomplishment.

I had never seen 'The Others', so you caught me offguard.  Another accomplishment.

You have a misunderstood ghost.  (Well, misunderstood to us, but evidently not to the real life diners.)  So another accomplishment there.

I don't think there was any horror in the story, though.  Suspense, maybe.  But no horror.

And because the story was told so lighthanded, and with what I think was purposely cheesy dialogue, it kind of lost the gothic atmosphere, even though you have a gothic-type setting.

I'm a little confused as to why Friedrich said there was nobody else in the house.  Can't wait to see the writer's total explanation of the story, as some of it was baffling.  A woman sleeping in her bed while having dinner guests over?

Though I may have been smiling at the end, there were just too many holes in this one for me to feel satisfied.

- Mark


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Baltis.
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 1:20am Report to Moderator
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Good read, but a tight one... Very crammed pack.  Typos are a given in this setting... I'm not expecting anything but a rough 1st draft, if that out of these OWC's.  It was a nice script with good atmosphere.  Had some jive dialogue in it (by jive I mean so so), but it was held together pretty well.  I think the ending, albeit abrupt, makes the whole thing worth while to be honest.  I'd like to see something like this, maybe in flash animation or something.  I think it could be really cool with exaggerated characters and such...
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SteveUK
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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This was well written and a very enjoyable read.  Like others, I feel you could go further with this, expand the story and add more tension.

The negatives I felt after reading it have all been mentioned by other readers, so I won't bother repeating them, but they didn't detract from my enjoyment of the story.

Tighten up the dialogue, correct the typos and fix the plot holes, and you could have a really good little script on your hands.
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Ryan1
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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A light-hearted tale.  This one had its moments, but also had some logic issues.  Franz is able to test the firmness of the bed, but his hand passes right through the sleeping girl?  Friedrich's connection to Franz was also a little muddled.  Is Franz the one-time Master of the castle who returns every year?

I have to say I didn't buy any of the living person's reactions to the ghost.  The young woman who simply shushes him away.  Then the "Male diner" who wants to know what the deal was with Franz, only to be told he's a ghost.  Then goes back to eating.

The twist was familiar, and revealed through a chunk of dialogue.  Although, it's a misdirection twist that usually works.  It kinda did here, too.  Not bad for a week's time.
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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:02pm Report to Moderator
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P1 - trough should be through. You do it twice on the same page.

You need to work on not repeating certain words so much in close proximity. Lines like “rubs his hands to keep his hands warm” would read better if you wrote “rubs his hands to keep them warm.”

Drabby should just be drab. I’m going to stop noting spelling and grammar problems here. This needs to be proofread.

The ghost shushing him made me think of Ghostbusters.

This was just okay for me. Not bad but not particularly a standout. I liked it up until the twist, which really doesn’t make sense.

Overall, it had its moments but it needs some work. Good luck.


Breanne


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mcornetto
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this started out really well.  You got the period - sort of reminded me of the old Jack Nicholson/Roger Corman movie The Terror.  Then you kind of injected some comedy into it, and I was "Oh well, this has become a comedy".   Then the twist, though it was good, seemed anachronistic compared to the rest of the script and I was disappointed.

So, I think you need to decide what genre you're writing.  Then decide exactly what the story is - I don't think you have a full story here.  And then write it again.  

Good work for a week.
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Zanej
Posted: October 20th, 2011, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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ALLURED
by
Richard Pennybrock III

Pg. 1 no seemingly
PG. 2 need time frame and not continuous
Pg. 4 fabric rustled nearby no very needed
Pg. 4 no contd on Franz dialogue
Pg. 4 INT. CORRIDOR (time frame)
Pg.  4 INT. GUEST CHAMBERS (TIME FRAME)
Pg. 5 um excuse me
Pg. 7 eliminate carefully
Pg. 7 INT. DINNER HALL ( time frame)

Good story and interesting twist. Good work
I am new to screenwriting so any of my suggestions and comments please hold at a novice level, good work and thanks.
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Scoob
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 10:00pm Report to Moderator
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Getting a Dracula: Prince Of Darkness vibe from 1st 3 pages...
Franz could be more animated when his hand passes through the woman.
Loved the ending!

I really liked this one. So much so it's one of my favs.

Just really enjoyed it, the pages turned quickly, the story developed well, the writing was clear and just said what needed to be said, and it had a nice twist that I didn't see coming at all. What can be better than that?

Good job, very entertaining.



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RayW
Posted: October 21st, 2011, 11:29pm Report to Moderator
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Locations & Sets  -  Castle at cliffside, EXT. (likely CGI), large door w/ knocker, castle hall, corridor, guest bedroom, servant's quarters, dining hall
Actors  -  FRANZ (30), FRIEDRICH (70),  YOUNG WOMAN (20), Aristocracy dinner party, MALE DINER #1, MALE DINER #2, FEMALE DINER #1, FEMALE DINER #2
Costumes  -  Austrian infantry uniform, drabby servant's uniform, nightgown, aristocracy ghosts evening attire
Props  -  Scads of covered furnishings, two lanterns, bed
Audio FX  -  clothes rustling, little feet running, children laughing, thumping, dinner party
Visual FX -  hands through young ghost woman, aristocracy ghosts
Other -  going to need extra lights for that dining hall scene
Comments  -  Very good. (almost) rated G, indeed. PG or sure. An unmarried woman in bed with a unmarried man in live action rather than cartoon may cause issue even though she's a "ghost". Sets and period uniforms are going to really add to cost. I wonder if this could also work as a contemporary setting, say at an "off season or abandoned" state park lodge?



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