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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    April, 2009 One Week Challenge  ›  OWC - Through The Looking Glass
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  Author    OWC - Through The Looking Glass  (currently 2940 views)
Don
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 5:18pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Through The Looking Glass by Unio Bernhard Sarlin - Short, Drama - At a family picnic, a teenager sees the world on the other side of the mirror. - pdf, format


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mcornetto
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 6:45pm Report to Moderator
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The mad hatters tea party, eh?  I wouldn't exactly call this a drama but it was a good read that was full of nonsense in the spirit of Lewis Carroll.

I thought the wolf should have called her his granddaughter rather than his niece though.

I didn't really like the end of it though.  I thought you were kind of copping out by making them imaginary characters and I didn't like the geeks.  Also it kind of had the feelings of an "It's all a dream".  You're an imaginative person, you could have done better than that.

For a week it wasn't bad but it could have been more than it was.
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Sham
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 8:31pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from mcornetto
The mad hatters tea party, eh?  I wouldn't exactly call this a drama but it was a good read that was full of nonsense in the spirit of Lewis Carroll.

I thought the wolf should have called her his granddaughter rather than his niece though.

I didn't really like the end of it though.  I thought you were kind of copping out by making them imaginary characters and I didn't like the geeks.  Also it kind of had the feelings of an "It's all a dream".  You're an imaginative person, you could have done better than that.

For a week it wasn't bad but it could have been more than it was.

Agreed. Solid writing, but a story that doesn't really go anywhere. My favorite part was the son meeting the hooded teenager, then running into the wolf-like hairy man.

Uncle's death was gratutious for me. The gore was tasteless, and this is coming from a guy who loves horror films. A simple gunshot, and the uncle falling over, would do the trick in your script.

Drama is subjective, and I'm glad to see a script like this sneak into the OWC. I just wish there was more to the story.


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MBCgirl
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 10:52pm Report to Moderator
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Some things are better left to the imagination!

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Well, well...there are parts of this that I like...but I found it sort of "disconnected".  I liked the beginning, wanted to know where it was going to take me...then it got to the father shooting the uncle and the parents doing it in the park and it lost me...as well as my interest...liked the one special section with a modern day little red riding hood...singing the song now...wished the "son" would have pointed the way she went so the wolf would have gone the opposite way!  Oh man!


Parts of this were well written, creative...while other parts were indulgent and rediculous (Simon Cowell).

I agree that there is something here to work with...but I'd take it apart and try again.

Morgan


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I love words and the fact that when the page is blank...there's nothing there until words are formulated in my brain. Those thoughts...rushing through my viens and out my finger tips, find "life" on the page.  

When people and places come to life...that to me is exciting.


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cloroxmartini
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 11:00pm Report to Moderator
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new logline: On the other side of the looking glass are mushrooms, and Rod Serling.

For me it's pretty much a nicely executed acid trip (not that I know what that's like) waiting for a Rod Serling voice over. The geekmeisters explain all the sexy parts, that's what they do; jpegs of Sarah Michelle Gellar. No complaints.

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Angry Bear
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
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I am so so sorry to say this, but I didn't finish this one. I read almost to the end, but found myself being too confused to have any idea what was going on. I feel really bad about it too, because the writing itself was great. I was just completely lost here. I did like the Little Red Ridinghood and the uncle Wolf thing though.

When the writers are revealed I'd like to hear what you had in mind here and maybe that would help me in getting the story, but right now, I feel totally lost.

I'm VERY sorry...  


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Cam17
Posted: April 12th, 2009, 11:17pm Report to Moderator
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I was about to guess that this was Cornetto's script, what with all the hallucinatory imagery.  But, after seeing his comment, I guess not.  It had an intriguing beginning, but then it seemed the story started to lose its way.  That is one weird  game those geeks are writing. But, to paraphrase those same geeks, "Ya gotta give 'em more depth and develop the narrative."


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The boy who could fly
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 11:36am Report to Moderator
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I thought that this one was actually pretty neat, I had no idea where it was going...I thought that this kid just took some shrooms at first but as it went on I thought it got more interesting, I was curious to see where it was gonna go next.  I do feel it kinda copped out at the end but up until the last page I thought it was pretty good...maybe if this went the Donnie Darko route it would have worked better, well maybe just for me.  Still a solid entry and it fit the challenge.  Good job.


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Dreamscale
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 8:07pm Report to Moderator
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This was well written...and well conceived.  Very trippy, obviously, but that's what this writer was going for. And because of that, it worked.

One of the few entries that is actually clean and edited...and makes sense, for what it is.

I can't say that I personally loved it, but you definitely succeeded in what you went after.  I don't see the secret, unless it's the son telling everyone that they're not real. I was going to say that I didn't like the fact that no one was named, but after learning they weren't real, it makes sense, but you should have named the geeks.

Good job overall.  It worked well!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.

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Dreamscale  -  April 13th, 2009, 10:15pm
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Tommyp
Posted: April 13th, 2009, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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This one was well written and worked nicely.

I would have liked to see no geeks at all, and have the whole thing weird, without explaining it.

I really liked the whole love making and the spewing up, it worked well. Good stuff.


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Brian M
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 12:17pm Report to Moderator
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I actually enjoyed this...a lot. While it's not a drama, for me anyway, it was still entertaining and trippy enough to hold my interest to the very end. I loved the ending. When you cut to the geeks house I was thinking "What's the point?" but when you showed outside the geeks house, I got it.

The little red riding hood part was good but could have been played up more maybe. I like twisted takes on fairy tales, "Freeway" is one of my favorite films. Was that an influence for that scene?

Although I've not seen "Little Miss Sunshine" right through, was it just me or was the Uncle a dead ringer for Steve Carrell's character in that movie? With the vacant stare and few days growth and all that. Character wise, I liked them all. The daughter was funny, or her eating habits were.

Writing and dialogue were spot on. Mother's line "You are a silly sausage!" had me in stiches. Some other good lines scattered through too.

One thing I did notice, you used (beat) in the middle of dialogue. I'm pretty sure, although not 100%, that (beat) should only be used for a pause before the character speaks. In any other case, an ellipses will do. Feel free to shot me if I'm wrong...

Although I didn't see this as drama, it was still one of my favorite entries. Good job!

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Brian M  -  April 17th, 2009, 2:37pm
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jayrex
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 3:10pm Report to Moderator
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This script reminds me so much of the Truman Show.  And it kinda feels like a rip-off of that film.  The central character being the son who's the only real character, realises that what's around him doesn't exist.  

That being said, I actually liked this up until near the end.  I didn't like the geek part.  I did enjoy the rest and the secret being the son living a lie that he thought was the truth?

You should have named your characters so we the readers can connect with them more.

Overall, an interesting read where only the ending let it down.

All the best.


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theMADhatter
Posted: April 15th, 2009, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Trippy.

I was curious to begin with, and liked the Lewis Carroll references (duh). I expected an Alice in Wonderland redux. Uncle = Caterpillar. Daughter = Dutchess. Teen Girl = White Rabbit ("follow me and I'll kill you"). Then you mixed in Red Riding Hood and I didn't think of Alice while reading the rest... not sure if you were going for 100% Carroll (judging by the title), but I didn't see it.

I like mind eff's, where you're left more confused than throughout, but I didn't particularly like this ending. The Matrix feel didn't fit IMO.

Great descriptions, and I loved how you juxtaposed the gluttony with Uncle being shot in the head. Great job.

-kjb.



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Colkurtz8
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 3:20am Report to Moderator
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To whom it may concern

I liked this, a very epic, all emcompassing take on the concept. The writing and prose was decent, the read didn't get bogged down at any point or drag. Kudos to the Lewis Carroll references too. I was amused firstly by the questioning character of the Son and the apparent nonchalance of his family. Cool visuals too with the explosion and tornado, this would work pretty well as an animation.

I see most people have a beef with the Matrix/Truman Show type ending, personally I wasn't bothered too much by how it wrapped up. Yeah maybe one could say it was a little lazy or thrown together but it fitted well with the tone and the direction of the piece as a whole. I liked the two films I mentioned above, plus Alice in Wonderland so I guess I was always going to be endeared to this.

Good job


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Zombie Sean
Posted: April 17th, 2009, 2:22pm Report to Moderator
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Due to the fact that I was confused throughout the entire script, and that the ending made no more sense than the rest of the story, and that I was just about to stop before we got to the geeks' apartment, I didn't like it. There is no story, to be honest. I didn't see it, at least. I'm sure whoever wrote this was on acid at the time.


The visuals might be cool, though, so some props on that, I guess.

Sean


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