This could be re-titled “Quentin Tarantino’s Jaws.” We were just missing Samuel L. Jackson as one of the four people. I didn’t picture him as “the American.”

I’m assuming the facts about the Thames is true. I bought it, anyway.

Good execution of an idea that stayed in the confines of the rule- it felt like you could only fit four people in that boat, then you add the shark.

I’m kind of mixed on this one. I liked what was happening here- some arrogant toughs oblivious to their own peril. But I was looking for a reason to like someone in this other than the shark.

American shark

Now that's a disclaimer - misdirection?

American writer me thinks
Lots of detail,on the suits which I'm not sure translates to the screen
Now I'm thinking Brit writer - confused )
As the dialogue goes along I think one less member - character - would have helped the flow
Does seem to go on a bit without mush driving the story forward

I know these scenes do appear but it does make you wonder why they let him live and row, rather than have shot him. The more the scene goes on the more this is apparent.

Swimming motion with his hand - funny

For a shark script actually not too bad on the budget, although I'm sure Ray will disagree.

I like the idea, a small boat, something to be done, a shark gets in the way. Alas too many characters IMO, and whilst it's nice to have a novel location, I didn't feel that worked too well.

But the concept has potential

Cheers

I liked American vs. British banter.

It's light on the story for me but I take it - it's a slasher. Stevie survives - good for him. Don't know much about slashers but know they are full of action. Yours is a lot of action. A lot of banter though as well - and you could cut quite a few of their lines as they were kind of to-and-fro but not adding texture or benefitting the story in any way. My guess is - you were shooting for page count here and that's why the abundance of dialog.

Maybe you could add to characters. Right now I have no idea why you need 4. Two will do. But I couldn't tell these apart - I guess that's what makes slashers better - characters.

Opening line is very awkward, and as I have a feeling I’ll be saying a lot, that’s just not the way you want to start your script. You also haven’t properly intro’d your characters.

Your lines are so awkward with the dashes.  I’m already thinking about baling.

Page 4 – the dialogue isn’t working for me at all, and I feel like I’ve seen this movie many times before.

Page 6 and the dialogue is getting worse.  How many times are these idiots going to use each other’s names in normal speech?  It’s also so cliché and downright goofy, like it’s a joke or something – definitely doesn’t feel remotely real, sorry to say.

The 3 line passage at the bottom of Page 6 is very awkward and poorly written.

Page 10 – “Panicked, George flails for purchase in thin air as he
falls.” – Huh?  There are so many crazily awkward lines on display here, I'm wondereing if this is supposed to be a pisser.

The end?  Really?  No end, actually. Did you run out of time?

Listen, this is very poorly written, sorry to say.  It’s very awkwardly written, also.  The story is paper thin at best, very clichéd and predictable, at worse.  You did have 1 decent character in George, and you killed him off for some reason, leaving only cliché goons.

Congrats on entering.

Works well on budget - I think this could be produced fairly easily, but it's not going to be a zero job.

Felt like a rough draft, that with some work could work well - lots of potential for characters working well in there - I was a little inbetween on if there was one too many character too.

I think you could have hinted a bit more about the back-story, why they were there etc, and what the stakes were. And the end... yeah, I think maybe something more needs to happen there.

Lots of potential though; it's tricky finding a different angle with this kind of thing.

I must admit I am a bit sick of London gangsters versus everything. It's saturating the British market. But this met the criteria of the challenge on all counts so well done for that.

The story didn't grip me and I didn't care for the characters, found myself skimming the last 6 pages but it was easy to read.  

George had the potential to be really interesting so if you do another draft I'd focus on fleshing him out more. I wasn't bothered by the profanity, such language is used in all the UK mob films like Cocnkey's Versus Zombies.

Congratulations on entering the OWC

Given the -ing verbs and -ly adverbs, I'm assuming the writer is fairly new. Psycho Dave? Eh....

Had a difficult time finishing this. Not much happens until the very end. And the dialogue was just...conventional. I love c unts as much as the next guy, but make em count!

Sorry, going to go with a D+ on this one. But with some edits, I'm sure you can make the story as awesome as the title.

what needs work:

- why does George stop rowing?
- George reaches into Dave's jacket while Dave is in the water(and hostile to George) and George is in the boat...that's not easy, probably not possible.
- Dave's body parts float to the surface? Did the shark spit them up? How do they see these...it was described as being very dark?
- why do they have a gun on George? Why is a shark attacking them in an unlikely place, and yet George seems unsurprised...predicted it even? Why does George know so much about sharks?
- most of the story conveys the Brits as comically stupid, and the American as wily and in control, despite their having a gun. Yet in the end he gets so easily pulled in the water by a guy he knows wants to kill him. Weird wild stuff.
- the writer seems to want to go comedy, probably has a good voice for comedy...but doesn't make the full leap here to comedy. So I would suggest looking for ways to ramp up the humor.

3. American Shark in London - A great white interrupts a gangland execution.
Brief - Attrition story of four blokes in a boat on the Thames.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
George, Stevie, Dave, Bear
Scenes to Build  - 2.5
Thames river w boat, river + boat
Accessory Visual - 8
Oar, cigarette + lighter + smoke, rainy splash, water seep, dorsal fin, dave parts, vomit
Accessory Audio - 10
Rushing river, oar rowing/splashing, large splash, rainy splash, boat hit, water seep, wood splintering boat hit, plop!, wretching

Genre & Marketability - Thriller/horror
Script format - Good
Comments  -  Although the ending is abrupt this is a nice story. VERY economical usage of largely a single setting! And FWIW, I really don’t give a sh!te about the C-word being in there or not, I think it’s used only two/three times. I don’t understand the fuss, myself. I’m good with the profanity.
Final word - Should be a good contender for consideration, especially with a proper ending.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 10.7          Screenplay Pages
= 107/161      Total Build Hours Time Cost

Interesting concept with the gangsters in a boat but the end fell flat for me. It's possible you were rushed to get this in before the deadline. Understanding if that we're the case. The writing flowed nicely which made it a fast read and the twist at the end with George dying made it interesting but then Stevie and Bear get away with the shark chasing after them felt a bit off. Who were these guys? We're all four men gangsters and George double crossed them? It's little information like that, that helps us relate to characters and root for them. Saying that I did like the plot and direction you took it in but it needs a bit of a rewrite to flesh out the story.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

'American Shark in London' writer,

You've got a good story here.

From this OWC this submission is closest to being off-the-shelf ready to go into production.
It's technical demands to execute are easy.

I don't feel that as is this is a block-buster, stand out, OTT, mind blowing story; but it is fundamentally sound, clever, and robust in principle.
There's a lot of good potential from this simple scenario.

Honestly, I'd like to enhance the situation's comedy, really pump up the absurdist humor to Monty Python-esque levels, and make a good show.

If you're pretty sure you've got nothing better to do with this story I'd like to get in touch with you to discuss what my animation technical limitations are and how you could consider tailoring a variant of this story to accommodate those limitations for production into an animated short for festival submission, ideally for the 2015 circuit.

If you feel it's appropriate to hold onto this for a while, shop it around to more credentialed entities, then by all means gopherit!

Just know that this open offer is here, now and for down the road.


Sincerely,
Ray



Oh, yeah: For the writer's poll this entry got one of my two recommends.

Wow and wow.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Wow and wow.

I notice you keep sniping at me like a little biatch, kevin. I write things with production in mind. The chance of a shark short ever getting produced is extremely minimal.

My story is actually quite clever from a production perspective... something I'm sure you have very little actual experience of, hence the undercurrent of bitterness that pervades many of your posts here.

It's clever because it is filmed in the dark, in one location and no actual shark need ever be seen. I believe there were only a few scripts here that could be deemed anywhere near the true spirit of Jaws. This was one of them.

I wrote this in a single sitting as I'm actually working on a feature for a very famous martial artist, actor and fight choreographer who will also be starring in a short film I've written that is in development. I'm also working on another short that we're producing in just a couple of months, and auditions will be held 3rd May, with 35 applicants for 4 parts. As well as my normal job, setting up the production of two short films, writing a feature and taking care of my family... I went out of my way to write a short for this challenge. Admittedly I should have redrafted it, there was lots I wanted to do with this story, but after writing it I had so much on with other stuff I simply forgot about it for a few days and then submitted it before it got too late to enter. So yeah, I know there is work to do on it. But I write things to show production potential... that's all I've learned that I have to do. I don't have to polish anything. Polishing comes later. So long as you can show production potential and global marketability with your story, competent dialogue and action lines, then that's all you need.

I've achieved a lot the past 21 months... and I'm just going to keep rising. What a bitter little prick like you thinks doesn't bother me at all.

My review took place when I had no idea who wrote the piece. I almost didn't post anything because it was the only story I could not find one positive thing to say. I tried, too.

I have never sniped at you. I never even notice your existence until you bring yourself to my attention with your sixth grade little remarks.

But to be fair, based on your remarks about yourself, I actually did assume you had some talent. Occasionally your remarks are clever. You at least sounded like you had some potential.

But if you are serious about your work, you might consider pulling this before anyone else reads it and forms any opinion of your work based on it.

While you are certainly not a friend, that is my honest friendly advice.

Not to pile on, but Kevin is completely correct here, Dustin.  This is very, very poorly written and I honestly wondered if it was a poorly done pisser.

I'd quickly pull this one...or maybe say it was a really poorly written pisser after all?