Quoted from KevinLenihan My review took place when I had no idea who wrote the piece. I almost didn't post anything because it was the only story I could not find one positive thing to say. I tried, too. I have never sniped at you. I never even notice your existence until you bring yourself to my attention with your sixth grade little remarks. But to be fair, based on your remarks about yourself, I actually did assume you had some talent. Occasionally your remarks are clever. You at least sounded like you had some potential. But if you are serious about your work, you might consider pulling this before anyone else reads it and forms any opinion of your work based on it. While you are certainly not a friend, that is my honest friendly advice.

I couldn't give a flying ... what anyone thinks. Anyone that feels negatively about what I've said, I'd rather not work with anyway.

Your comment... wow and wow... was clearly a bitchy snipe. Just like the remark in the other thread about there being only one story you couldn't find anything positive to say on.

You're clearly looking for a fight from the safety of your PC. Maybe you need to masturbate... that should help relieve some frustrations. Or pay for it... if you can afford it. Treat yourself.

What you assumed, isn't of any concern to me. Who are you? What have you done? Aside from learn how to spout shite on an internet forum...

Why would I listen to you? What experience do you have in all the time you've been doing this? Indeed, aren't you moving into ebook publishing now? The modern version of vanity publishing. Maybe you could write an ebook on how to spout shite on an internet forum with authority.

Quoted from Dreamscale Not to pile on, but Kevin is completely correct here, Dustin.  This is very, very poorly written and I honestly wondered if it was a poorly done pisser. I'd quickly pull this one...or maybe say it was a really poorly written pisser after all?

Same question to you... what makes you an authority on this aside from the fact that you've been here for ten years or so and still not actually succeeded with your methods?

I wouldn't pull it.

It's completely doable.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Same question to you... what makes you an authority on this aside from the fact that you've been here for ten years or so and still not actually succeeded with your methods?

It doesn't take an authority to see an extremely poorly written script, bro.  Really?

It honestly reads like you had a tweezers in 1 hand with your dick in it and your other hand was flailing away at the keyboard.  Some of the most awkwardly worded "sentences" I've ever come across.

Very poor...

Just because it's filmable...Jesus, knee surgery is filmable...but good luck.

Quoted from Dreamscale It doesn't take an authority to see an extremely poorly written script, bro.  Really? It honestly reads like you had a tweezers in 1 hand with your dick in it and your other hand was flailing away at the keyboard.  Some of the most awkwardly worded "sentences" I've ever come across. Very poor...

A few awkwardly worded action lines doesn't mean anything. It's not a grammar competition... we're selling an idea.. a concept... no matter if that's a logline, synopsis, treatment or an entire script. All of them can be worked on and fleshed out later.

You wouldn't understand that though... got no experience of it... I find that shocking from someone that lays claim to know it all yet has bugger all to show for it after a decade.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Just because it's filmable...

That's the whole idea. Write novels if you want to sell in depth stories. Short screenplays are to the point, and at this level with a shark, I reasoned one would have to make it very cheap. One location, in the dark, Noshar Kneeded.

The only thing that bugged me is the boat and actors in the water... it's no way doable anyway. Just isn't on a short on a budget. Not many actors would get into the water... unless we could hire a swimming pool at night maybe with a green screen... actors would be free but the hire of the pool at night may be a problem... they probably wouldn't have insurance cover to open at night.

That's why I gave up on it a little. I actually wrote this with a mind to producing it myself but it's too much hassle I think.

Quoted from DustinBowcot It's not a grammar competition... we're selling an idea.. a concept... no matter if that's a logline, synopsis, treatment or an entire script.

Thank God, it's not a grammar competition, because you'd be out before it even begun.

Dustin, in all seriousness, your idea and concept here is piss poor, cliche as all Hell, and so poorly done.

Drop your tweezers and at least use 2 hands when mashing this shite out.  You get me?

I didn't say anything about the writing. I don't even remember it. It was every single aspect of the story that made not even a lick of sense.

We have no idea why these gangsters are in a boat...why the American is so cocky, except because the writer wants him to die at the end...why the American is so quick to think there are sharks in the Thames of all places...why the American just happens to be some kind of shark expert(or at least in the writer's eyes)...but even accepting all those strange things, none of the actions make any sense, not even in a comedy...and when the American reaches in the jacket of one of his enemies in the water...have you ever been in a boat? Good  Lord

These were my original notes. Had no idea the writer. Tried to find ways to soften the words when I posted.

what I like
can’t find anything

what needs work
- why does George stop rowing?
- George reaches into Dave’s jacket while he’s in the water?
- how do we know something grabbed Dave’s leg? maybe just say he’s dragged below.
- Dave’s body parts float to the surface? Did the shark spit them up? they tend to swallow pretty much everything. Not sure what they would see since it’s described as quite dark
- I don’t mean to be mean, but what is the point of this story? We don’t know why they have a gun on George, we don’t know why the shark is attacking them...I mean Moby Dick battles Ahab because it’s personal...even it Jaws 4, the silly one with Michael Caine, it was personal. This shark has no reason. The characters just act weird. George stops rowing for no reason. Knows sharks, or at least in the writer’s imagining of things he does anyway, but we don’t know why he knows sharks; the Brits are comically stupid, but comedy doesn’t seem to be the goal; and then George, who seems to be on top of everything, gets easily pulled out of the boat from a guy in the water who he knows wants to kill him. Weird stuff. The writer seems to want to go comedy here, but is hesitating to. Go with it! That seems to be more the writer’s natural voice, shoot for comedy with your story.

Quoted from KevinLenihan I didn't say anything about the writing. I don't even remember it. It was every single aspect of the story that made not even a lick of sense. We have no idea why these gangsters are in a boat...why the American is so cocky, except because the writer wants him to die at the end...why the American is so quick to think there are sharks in the Thames of all places...why the American just happens to be some kind of shark expert(or at least in the writer's eyes)...but even accepting all those strange things, none of the actions make any sense, not even in a comedy...and when the American reaches in the jacket of one of his enemies in the water...have you ever been in a boat? Good  Lord

I didn't say that you did say anything about the writing. I'm asking you about your story-telling credibility. You keep avoiding the question. If you know so much about what makes a great script, from a producible perspective, then why haven't you got anything to show for it and indeed are considering giving up?

I would answer the rest of your questions, but many of them are answered in the script.

I have been in several boats. The boat in this one is small, barely large enough to hold the four of them. Have you ever been in a small boat?

Those 4 guys in a small boat at night...then a shark? Perfect atmosphere for tension and horror. IMO their motives need to be clearer, action and tension enhanced and the dialog needs a fix. This is one of only a few I could actually see being filmed.Congrats.

Hi Dustin,

After reading your work and being from across the pond I would have to say this is accurate, down to the cliche cockney geezers and down to the loud mouth Americans, which I must safely say 99% of the British public think. (Just for the record I'm not part of that 99%)

The over use of cursing and of the word c**t is real, those who have criticised you, have you ever been to London? I mean the real London not bloody Leicester square.

We could all argue the fact that it is a ridiculous idea that there is in fact a great white shark in the themes but that been said there have been several sighting of the fish on our coast. There is a species of shark which is called a 'Bull shark' which are well known for their ability to survive in fresh water as well as salt and are commonly sighted in estuaries.  

There has been many ridiculous films out there which I am sure we can all agree on so why slate the story. Like dustin has said it's an idea, if you can visualise what is on the page and see the concept then surely as a writer he has done his job.  

Lee

I read this just because it appeared at the top of the board.

Thought the first 8 pages were very strong.

The tone was perfect...great cross of tension with the comedic, but in-keeping (for want of a better expression) dialogue.

Last four flagged bit. It didn't seem to know where to go.

It's definitely got potential though. Maybe it's a cultural thing that a lot didn't get the tone.

Don't know what to suggest in terms of improvements, but maybe knowing why they were there (ie what George had done to piss them off) and then having that pay off in some way at the end, would stiffen it up a bit.