Thanks so much for the great reviews. Totally agree the first page was ridiculously dense. I meant to go back and lean it out but didn’t have time. I’ve since trimmed it back, although not as sparse as Ray suggested.

I like DV’s idea about Jimmy turning the spear gun on Tony. Just not enough time to work out all the kinks with the ending…and there are plenty, I know. I had first thought Jimmy would kill Tony, but as I started writing and liking the kid, I felt it wasn't what he could do. So even though the shark doesn't kill here, Kathleen mentions the shark killed someone so I thought that qualified as "rogue".

A little FYI, I spent every summer for 20 some years in Fair Haven, Mass. Some characters/locations are named after a few of my cousins from Fair Haven who’ve passed; “Kathleen”, “Danny’s Cove”, “Junior’s Charters”… Junior was a fisherman, lost at sea. His name is engraved in the Seamen’s Bethel in New Bedford.

In the summer of 1979 (same year I set the story), a few years after the release of Jaws, I was out on a permanently anchored, wooden raft about 200 yards from the shore, with a couple of my cousins. We’d go out there to sunbathe (and party of course). We thought we saw a shark circling us. It went on for about 20 minutes. It was freakin horrifying.  My initial thought was to create a story around that but I just couldn’t come up with anything good since all we did was scream, cry and smoke all the weed we brought out there. LOL.

Thanks again. It was a fun story to write, especially being a Jaws freak and spending summers close to where it was filmed. Thanks DJS and Don!

Just call me Chainsaw Ray!
"BRRRRUMM, BRUUUUUUUUUUMM!



Good entry, Marnie.
Congratulations on your win.

Quoted from EWall433 (are you sure Kathleen says things like, “scored wicked large”?)

I'm absolutely positive. This is how my cousins talk.

Quoted from rendevous I felt like I watching Dexter at the start of page 4. When it was still interesting. Season four or before. After that it went to fuck.

Funny, you weren't the only one to mention "Dexter". I've never seen it. I don't watch much TV although I lost a few weeks of my life when I got "addicted" to Breaking Bad. I have a feeling the same thing would happen if I started watching Dexter.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Not that I can accurately identify it, but I appreciate the tone, and I've certainly been here before. I guess I'll find out who later.

I guess we both have to come up with less obvious styles!  

Quoted from nawazm11 Wait, this is the second script I've read where people are putting bounties on sharks. Is this common? Where's Green Peace and Peta? Does nobody give a shit you're killing animals for money? Is this an American thing? Something please help me out here, I can't believe shit like this goes on in real life... I get hunting, but putting money on it is a totally different scenario.

I don't know if it's common or not. Alex Kintner's mom did it in Jaws, which is why I did it here. Although she only offered $3000.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Pretty good attempt at character development on Page 2 – well done – it works! Page 4 – Yep, you’re actually doing a great job on establishing who these peeps are.  The writing isn’t the best, but it’s working and I’m actually impressed. Page 6 -  You’re rocking the characters here…seriously, well done!

Thanks Jeff. This is something I'm working on right now. Trying to create characters peeps connect with. Glad it's working!!

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 7 – I don’t like the sudden change in tone here, with Jimmy acting like a prick and disrespecting Tony.  I also don’t like Tony calling him a “little shit”.  You had a great character piece going here and now it’s shifted. Page 8/9 – yeah, you’re losing the tone that was totally working earlier.  Now Tony comes off like a little scared shit and I don’t buy it. I totally don’t buy Tony pulling a speargun on a little kid.  You’re losing what was a great story at this point!

I def struggled with this since originally I was going to have Jimmy kill Tony. Still not exactly sure the right way to handle the exchange of power.

Quoted from Gum I'll be honest, as much of a douche bag that Tony is, I'm still glad to hear he made it out alive, it definitely gives Jimmy and his 'Ma' a better chance to heal their sorrows and move on with their lives.

Glad you got that. It would have change their whole dynamic if Jimmy killed Tony. She may have always thought it was done on purpose...not how I wanted to picture their future. Imagine going through life suspecting your kid killed your crappy boyfriend? I'd be sleeping with one eye open all the time.  

Quoted from DV44 My only gripe was how fast Tony accepted leaving Kathleen and Jimmy. I get that he was scared and almost died from the shark attack but that part felt a little forced to me. Would have been kind of cool to see Tony swimming in the water trying to get back on the boat but Jimmy aims the speargun at him threatening to kill him unless he leaves town.

I love this idea. Most likely using it in the rewrite. Thanks DV!!

Dustin figured it's yours and I couldn't... I'm getting old by the day...

Quoted from c m hall I don't like to open a whole can of worms (as it were) but I feel uncomfortable when descriptions push judgments onto the reader.  Makes me feel like I've been given a cartoon version of the story.

I agree. Especially true in first drafts.  

Quoted from TimWestland I'm glad you didn't make this a classic "kid's gonna outsmart the guido and kill him while making it look like an accident" chestnut. That would've been bad.

Gotta be honest -- I really wanted to kill the guido. LOL. Jimmy is obviously a better person than I am.  

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The boy asking for help element probably needs a little more fleshing out. With a larger page count you could give a glimpse of the fathers back story.

I had a backstory about that but couldn't fit it. If I rewrite this thing I'll definitely flesh that out. Thanks Bill.  

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can see some areas where you've tried so desperately hard not to start an action block with a character's name that you've utilised the odd past tense word. I do that too, since I learned that it doesn't look good to start an action block with a character's name all the time I suppose it comes down to which is the lesser of the two evils.

You are spot on. I have to find a happy medium.  Funny how that gave away my identity.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Kathleen doesn’t seem fussed her boyfriend has left; if she’s let him move in with her family she must have cared for him. It seemed odd.

I tried to show that she was getting fed up with him but I'll definitely make it more clear if I decided to rewrite it. Thanks Mark.  

Quoted from CrusaderVoice '70's setting...adolenscent kid...an awkward family situation - that's drawing from some classic Spielberg but was subtle if it was intended at all and most definitely worked.

I love those kinds of stories. I did have certain films in my mind while writing this...like ET, Stand by Me and Goonies. I love the kids in those movies.  

Quoted from Grey From the beginning, I know your characters. I’m so tired of reading things like: short hair, muscular. Finally some really great descriptions and actions from the characters that open them up so that we know them inside and out.

Thanks! Better character descriptions is one of the things I'm focussing on now. I recently brought up this subject on another site. It's the one place you can take some liberties and give a little extra info. I'm trying to take better advantage of that.  

Quoted from KevinLenihan I'm not so sure about the ending. I mean on the one hand it's good that we didn't get the predictable eating of Tony by the shark. But I have no idea at all why Tony decided to go back to Brooklyn. And that would be important under any circumstance, but it is particularly important considering that was the POINT of the story...that the ghost of Mick(whether real or imagined doesn't matter) is guiding his son how to be rid of the predator(Tony). But as far as I can tell, no action of Jimmy really could have been expected to achieve this. I mean there is no reason Tony ever has to get on that boat again, since that's what he's afraid of. I don't get it. Why is Tony leaving? He was going to sell the boat. It's not like they are fishermen. Why wouldn't Tony just avoid the ocean and the boat? That's the heart of it: the lessons the father is teaching the son are clearly designed so that they will help Jimmy turn the tables on his oppressive new step father. And it begins masterfully. We get the sense of a boy cleverly plotting Tony's downfall. That's cool. It just doesn't work out that way. It feels like the writer just couldn't figure out how to do it. The lessons don't lead to anything connected to defeating Tony or causing him to return to Brooklyn. And it HAS to. That's the spine of the story.

I totally agree. In my head there was so much back story about Mick, what happened to him, the regrets he had...I just couldn't get it together. And I def rushed things with Tony. A lot of back story there that I just wasn't able to flesh out. It is absolutely the spine of the story but when I tried to fit it all in to make the 12 page count, it just felt forced. I was hoping people would get the idea I was going for at this point. You are spot on though and these are things that need to be addressed if I do a rewrite.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Yes, Jimmy had information he threatened to use against Tony. But this was kind of just thrown in there. We don't know what it's about, and it seemed to have no affect at all on Tony.

Yep...just not enough time. I was going to show that Jimmy overheard a phone convo and found out Tony had to leave Brooklyn cus he owed someone money (was supposed to be a "loan shark").

Quoted from KevinLenihan An expectation was also created where the prize money for catching Jaws would be used to solve Jimmy's problems. But he doesn't catch the shark. Another dead end.

Another thing I didn't have time to flesh out. In my head, Junior shows up and they help Jimmy catch the shark.  

Quoted from KevinLenihan Also, why is Tony a predator? Isn't he just a jerk? I mean there is a television show about catching predators. So there is an expectation that Tony is a similar predator. But he's really just a jerk and he is never in anyway caught.

Yeah...just didn't have time or room to expand on this. What I wanted to show was that he owed a lot of money, had to leave Brooklyn. Meets this widow, shmoozes her, preys on her vulnerable emotional state, borrows money...then tries to sell the kid's boat... I tried adding it in but it just came out like exposition. That for sure needs to unfold.  Thanks so much for this well thought out, insightful review Kevin. You gave me a lot to think about!!  

Quoted from khamanna Dustin figured it's yours and I couldn't... I'm getting old by the day...

LOL...You got older just yesterday.  

You have a gift for building a story, Marne...it's hard to do! I could tell you needed a few more days to figure out the boat stuff, and the last few clues the father would give the boy. Which was a great approach, too! You just needed to tie it all in. Few more days and you would have hit it out of the park!

Quoted from ReneC From the title and the early implications, this is about Jimmy getting rid of Tony. Tony's the predator, his mother the prey, but that's barely justified. Tony's decision to just leave isn't justified either. The only reason to go is if Jimmy represents a real threat or forces it out of Tony before he'll save him from the shark, in which case get the hell out of Dodge because the kid's nuts.

I just couldn't fit it all in but I'm glad you at least got the idea, which sometimes in these shorts is all you can hope for. Jimmy has some info on Tony, but again, I couldn't fit it in. You're right though...at some point Tony has to look at this kid and see him as a threat. Not only because of the info he has on him, but because he realizes he'll do whatever he has to in order to protect his Mom...even feed Tony to the sharks. Thanks Rene!  

Quoted from PrussianMosby Billy Luko is a name and for sure a person. A name shouldn't be just called like that, suddenly, and then used as a form of pressure (by Jimmy) and finally represent a remarkable part of the story.

I had a backstory on this, just couldn't fit it in. But I wanted to at least throw some suspicion out there and let everyone know Jimmy had some info on Tony.  

Quoted from RayW Teen is guided by his father’s ghost to get rid of his mom’s jerk boyfriend.

I love this logline...no shark needed.

Quoted from RayW      EXT. COASTAL COUNTRY - DAY      JIMMY, 14, a nice tubby boy with a backpack, trudges down a dirt road.      Turns into the driveway with a boat for sale in the yard, $2,000.

While I'm in no way disputing the first page is dense...I think you went a little overboard with your chainsaw there Leatherface.     

Quoted from Last Fountain First, is this a prequel? It's my fault, I can't remember all the details of Jaws. But nice touch, if shark lives here to later kill in amity for Jaws.

Not a prequel. It takes place in 79, Jaws was released in 75 I think. I had a line in there about the shark attack in Amity but ended up taking it out.

Quoted from Last Fountain Confusing ending. Did jimmy reel in the shark after all, with a spiritual boost (motivation) from dad? I also assume he now works for charter line that takes tourists out to the ocean or something.  Is this charter company from Jaws? Maybe showing people the beauty of the shark, if not caught. Is this the shark that attacks in original jaws? If an homage or prequel I'd consider making these elements more obvious.

At the last minute, I removed the dialog at the end where I had Kathleen congratulate Jimmy for catching the shark with Junior. Instead I just said Junior offered him a job. It felt really forced so I thought it best to leave it out and hope people figured with Junior's help, they caught it. Thanks Daniel.  

Quoted from khamanna It's a very good script but the second half doesn't work for me for some reason. Jimmy is pretty selfish and I feel for Kathleen. Poor woman's bound to stay alone thanks for him.

I tried to portray Tony as a jerk. Kathleen is a recent widow, he's taking advantage of her vulnerable state. He's also not very nice to Jimmy and she's beginning to see that. I definitely need to make this all clearer in the rewrite...and you know I'll be hitting you up for a read Kham!  

  

Quoted from KevinLenihan You have a gift for building a story, Marne...it's hard to do! I could tell you needed a few more days to figure out the boat stuff, and the last few clues the father would give the boy. Which was a great approach, too! You just needed to tie it all in. Few more days and you would have hit it out of the park!

Thanks so much Kevin. And with a few more days I think there would have been a 10 way tie for first...maybe more!

Quoted from mmmarnie And with a few more days I think there would have been a 10 way tie for first...maybe more!

No...incorrect...

Something would have come Up from the Depths to snare the victory!  

Marnie,

Real good effort here. Congrats on the win. You could kinda see what was coming early on, I think. I got the picture that Jimmy was going to exact some sort of revenge on that creep Tony. But I didn't mind. It was so
Well written that I went along on the journey willingly.

Where it ended up was a little unsatisfying, but I guess it just gets chalked up to the time constraints. Anyway, written well, told well with a clear voice. Great job.

Three kids stuck in the middle of the water on a raft? Nice psychological aspect to that one! One day, perhaps.

Steve

Thanks Steven. I definitely lost something at the end. Probably because the whole time I was on the fence about killing Tony. I'm happy with my call, but it for sure effected the story.

Three teens on a raft, enough weed for two days, no food...and no way to shore without being eaten by a shark. It does have possibilities.

Quoted from mmmarnie ..and you know I'll be hitting you up for a read Kham!

Sure, you absolutely should. I'd love to read it again.

Hey marnieml

Read and wrote this at work so apologies on how short this is.

Fix age on first page. Thought it was a flashback.

Think Micks dialogue will work best as a flashback showing father and son working together.

End of pg. 14, too soon to curse. He should be intrigued by what jimmy has said.

Enjoyed tale. Would be interesting to see jimmy kill tony.

Hope this helps
Gabe