To Catch a Predator by Flask - Short, Shark - In the summer of 1979, citizens of Fair Haven, Massachusetts were worried about a rogue shark, but one unwelcome guest should have been more concerned about the boy determined to catch it. - pdf, format

You’ve done a good job with the family dynamics. Tony acts pleasant and reasonable, but there’s enough to feel menace here. Particularly in regards to Kathleen’s walking-on-egg-shells attitude. You’ve set it up well, now maintain it.

Pg. 4 Nice transition with the eyes. Maintaining…
(are you sure Kathleen says things like, “scored wicked large”?)

Damn it… got away. The story, that is. Bit clean through the line.  This was about to be one of my favorites so let’s see where it might have happened.

Like I said, it started off well. Perhaps I read too much darkness into the beginning. Tony is the titular predator here, and I liked how you were subtle about it in the beginning. The fact that Kathleen seemed to be nervous around him meant loads to me, but I was worried that he hadn’t done anything overt by the time we were on the boat.

Because it seemed like Jimmy was luring him out there to do him in, right? And Tony does threaten to shoot him with a speargun, and Jimmy knows ‘something’ about Tony that I assume is criminal in nature. So why does this end with Tony just agreeing to go away because… he doesn’t like boating? Uhuh.

Tony needs to be shark food. He needs to be more overtly violent in order for the audience to accept it, of course, but in my estimation that’s what needs to happen. Make sure it’s clear that Jimmy has no other way. Whatever the heck is going on in that house, no one will believe him and his mom’s not strong enough to stop it.

Or at least that’s where I thought we were heading when I was getting so excited about it. I imagine others who didn’t form those assumptions might think more highly.

But there's a ton of potential here. And I’ve nothing bad to say about the writing (I’m guessing others will find something, though  )

Good luck with it and congrats on completing the OWC

Another entry where the writer was trying to hard and everything feels forced. Instead of allowing things to unfold naturally, you're trying too hard to make us to care about your characters.

Writing was okay but the characters came off as a bit cliche. Not enough tension on the boat or in the water, IMO.

And if the guy's voice over the radio count as a character, you came in at 5. Not sure though.

Nothing really wowed me here but congrats on completing something for this OWC.

I quite liked this. It's a bit dense on the first page but it's well written, to my mind at least.

I felt like I watching Dexter at the start of page 4. When it was still interesting. Season four or before. After that it went to fuck. Back to the script...

A small point but I see a lot of it of late in other scripts - 'Tony’s dark eyes stare with uncertainty, at the meal Kathleen places on the small table.'

Did I miss a memo or something? Why's that comma in the centre? I know it's going badly in Syria and that plane is still missing, but this stuff does bother me. I might go out later. It's been a while.

Now I'm aware I know nowt about fishing, but at the start of page 9 I could imagine hearing a reel whizzing round as fishing line is pulled away by the shark. If you'd put that in it would have been good. Then played it with a little as it stops and starts again. I seem to recall they did that in a movie once. It was good. Well, alright.

And this was good. One of my favourites, if not the favourite.

This has a lot going for it. A proper story with real characters. And the shark business didn't feel forced as it has in many others. Impressive.

R

Good one. Characters were real and had depth. I enjoyed how *Mick* was intertwined with the progression of the story.

An eye for good dialogue, the "ahs" never left my mind, and came across authentic without forcing the issue.  None of it came across unnatural.

Not that I can accurately identify it, but I appreciate the tone, and I've certainly been here before. I guess I'll find out who later.  

Great work, getting closer to reading all the entries and this one is toward the top.

One more thing -- thought this was a potential pisstake due to the title.  

Johnny

Had its moments thought there is no,actual shark attack shown.

Agree with RV that the first page has a mass of info but after that it was fine.

Yep, one of the better ones so,I give it a 7.5

Writing overwritten in parts.

"They both
have thick Boston accents -- no “r’s”, lots of “ah’s”." Please don't do this. It's like the only reason you have it there because you think the accent sounds cool. What's with the useless aside after it? Does it even matter if they don't pronounce 'r'? You wouldn't do the same thing with a French or Australian accent, so why do it for this?

The classic cunt of a step father routine, always works, although it's a bit of a cliche.

Wait, this is the second script I've read where people are putting bounties on sharks. Is this common? Where's Green Peace and Peta? Does nobody give a shit you're killing animals for money? Is this an American thing? Something please help me out here, I can't believe shit like this goes on in real life... I get hunting, but putting money on it is a totally different scenario.

A simple story, but I think it works. Heart warming in one way, a little cliche but that's what you get. Not a bad effort at all, probably one of the better entries. Not a lot to say about this one. Good job.

You don’t want to include what year or month it is in your Slugs, as no one would get that in a filmed version.  Use a Super if you want it known.

You’re immediately attempting to direct your shots and IMO, it’s not smart.

Writing ain’t great, but I can tell you’re really trying – maybe too hard.  Too much info crammed in, passages too long, some asides, just a tough slog early on.

Pretty good attempt at character development on Page 2 – well done – it works!

Page 4 – Yep, you’re actually doing a great job on establishing who these peeps are.  The writing isn’t the best, but it’s working and I’m actually impressed.

Page 6 -  You’re rocking the characters here…seriously, well done!

When you write your Slugs, start at the “biggest” thing and work down from there – “JIMMY’s BOAT – DECK”

Page 7 – I don’t like the sudden change in tone here, with Jimmy acting like a prick and disrespecting Tony.  I also don’t like Tony calling him a “little shit”.  You had a great character piece going here and now it’s shifted.

Page 8/9 – yeah, you’re losing the tone that was totally working earlier.  Now Tony comes off like a little scared shit and I don’t buy it.

I totally don’t buy Tony pulling a speargun on a little kid.  You’re losing what was a great story at this point!

Page 10 – Not terrible, but I’m still unable to buy into what’s happening here, in terms of the action.

OK, all things considered, this is a great effort!  You somehow told what could have been heavily clichéd territory, but you gave it life, you gave it heart, and you brought a tear to me eye.  Very touching, very emotional, and well done!

As far as I’m concerned, easily the best so far out of 25.

Congrats on entering, and I’ll even add this – Thanks for entering...I enjoyed it!

This is a well crafted story, actually really good!

I'll be honest, as much of a douche bag that Tony is, I'm still glad to hear he made it out alive, it definitely gives Jimmy and his 'Ma' a better chance to heal their sorrows and move on with their lives.

As well, I liked the concept of putting Mick in the frame with Jimmy's inner dialog, haven't seen that in awhile so it was kind of refreshing.

Anyways, sorry for the short review, but there's not much else I can say that hasn't been mentioned in some of the other posts. Awesome entry!

Easily one of my favs. Characters were well defined and believeable. Dialogue flowed nicely. Adding Mick in the story felt right. Had that Dexter feel with his dad showing up and giving advice. My only gripe was how fast Tony accepted leaving Kathleen and Jimmy. I get that he was scared and almost died from the shark attack but that part felt a little forced to me. Would have been kind of cool to see Tony swimming in the water trying to get back on the boat but Jimmy aims the speargun at him threatening to kill him unless he leaves town. Just a thought. Anyways great job. Very good for one week of work.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

The story held my attention throughout and I liked the ending but I was distracted by the descriptions -- to my mind it shows a lack of confidence in the story.  I don't like to open a whole can of worms (as it were) but I feel uncomfortable when descriptions push judgments onto the reader.  Makes me feel like I've been given a cartoon version of the story.  
Anyway, this is a worthy effort, so far it's my favorite.

Very very good story.

Like others, I thought the first page unnecessarily dense. You can tighten up a number of description throughout without losing any of the quality, but Page 1 really needs it.

Tony is more than a tad on the nose, character-wise, but you have limited room for characterization in a 12 pager and your writing for him is pretty good.

I'm glad you didn't make this a classic "kid's gonna outsmart the guido and kill him while making it look like an accident" chestnut. That would've been bad.

Really nice writing, really nice story. Top drawer stuff in this competition, for sure.

To catch a predator

This is a very good script.

Already I like the three way tension, and hidden feelings, good drama
Nice parallel already with the 'predator'
P6 - scene in the bedroom with Tony - excellent, lots of subtext, dramam, tension

EXT. DECK - JIMMY’S BOAT - BUZZARD’S BAY - MORNING - that's a bit much

Why are so many folk sick on boats ??
No need for continuous on p7 - I think
Great work with Tony overboard and avoiding the obvious - shows the kids humanity

The boy asking for help element probably needs a little more fleshing out. With a larger page count you could give a glimpse of the fathers back story.

Having read the comments above I would agree with the descriptions and be careful with the scene with Tony and the speargun.

Excellent work. My fav.

If there are no 'R's' only 'Ah's'... then how am I meant to read, grade, or graduate? I think saying a Boston accent is enough and let others decide how they want to hear that. Directing what people hear isn't a good idea.

A well told tale for the most part... I can see some areas where you've tried so desperately hard not to start an action block with a character's name that you've utilised the odd past tense word. I do that too, since I learned that it doesn't look good to start an action block with a character's name all the time I suppose it comes down to which is the lesser of the two evils.

I would have enjoyed this story more if Tony became shark food. I don't think one trip out on the bay would be enough to get rid of him.. but then, coming up with a clever way for him to die would have been difficult.

Still, this is well written and not a bad story. Nice work.

A nice character driven piece here with a lot of heart.

I liked Jimmy and I could visualise Mick appearing and giving out advice just like Dexter’s Dad, it really worked.

The pace was natural, the descriptions a bit OTT at times but not too distracting.

Tony is a douche but there’s not enough earlier on to suggest he’s the type to pull a spear gun on a kid or be scared off so easily. Jimmy couldn’t let him be eaten on purpose and he had to try and save him otherwise it would have felt unnatural, I agree with that approach. However I feel it would have worked better if Jimmy had failed and Tony became shark food. This would tie into the Jaws theme better as well.

Kathleen doesn’t seem fussed her boyfriend has left; if she’s let him move in with her family she must have cared for him. It seemed odd.

Excellent entry though – Well done on submitting a great addition to this OWC.

Mark

'70's setting...adolenscent kid...an awkward family situation - that's drawing from some classic Spielberg but was subtle if it was intended at all and most definitely worked.

I disagree with the notion that Tony should have been eaten. It was more satisfying for me knowing the kid won and won the right way. He would have had a grieving mom (for likely a second time) and this way she can see Tony for who he really is (even though we're left to only make that assumption...but assuming that still works in the script).

The dialogue flowed really well and felt natural to me (Boston accent or not...didn't matter to me as a I read it).

I'm only a third of the way through the entries but this moved to the top of my list and, to be honest, it's hard to imagine this one being topped.

Wow, this is really well written. From the beginning, I know your characters. I’m so tired of reading things like: short hair, muscular. Finally some really great descriptions and actions from the characters that open them up so that we know them inside and out. You did an excellent job with this. There is tension between the family. We can all relate to this I think. I love Jimmy...despise Tony...and want Kathleen to open up her damn eyes!

Oh I love this. The story picks up as it moves along. Jimmy did the right thing and got rid of that bad Tony! Great ending. Great job writer! I think this is my favorite.

what I liked:

Excellent writing.

And strong story building. The main character is well enough fleshed out. Tony is a bit of a caricature, but that's not a big deal, and we see that all the time in film...because it's useful.

The most effective part of the story telling was the way the writer created anticipation about what would happen on the boat.

The person who wrote this is a true story teller, someone who knows how to build character and use plot to build anticipation. In that regard, it's the best I've read this OWC, and I've read about half.

what could be worked on:

But I don't think the story quite works yet.

I'm not so sure about the ending. I mean on the one hand it's good that we didn't get the predictable eating of Tony by the shark. But I have no idea at all why Tony decided to go back to Brooklyn.

And that would be important under any circumstance, but it is particularly important considering that was the POINT of the story...that the ghost of Mick(whether real or imagined doesn't matter) is guiding his son how to be rid of the predator(Tony). But as far as I can tell, no action of Jimmy really could have been expected to achieve this.

I mean there is no reason Tony ever has to get on that boat again, since that's what he's afraid of. I don't get it. Why is Tony leaving? He was going to sell the boat. It's not like they are fishermen. Why wouldn't Tony just avoid the ocean and the boat?

That's the heart of it: the lessons the father is teaching the son are clearly designed so that they will help Jimmy turn the tables on his oppressive new step father. And it begins masterfully. We get the sense of a boy cleverly plotting Tony's downfall. That's cool.

It just doesn't work out that way. It feels like the writer just couldn't figure out how to do it. The lessons don't lead to anything connected to defeating Tony or causing him to return to Brooklyn. And it HAS to. That's the spine of the story.

Yes, Jimmy had information he threatened to use against Tony. But this was kind of just thrown in there. We don't know what it's about, and it seemed to have no affect at all on Tony.

An expectation was also created where the prize money for catching Jaws would be used to solve Jimmy's problems. But he doesn't catch the shark. Another dead end.

And there is the battle with the shark. In stories like this, think of The Old Man and the Sea, or Moby Dick, there is an epic battle of man verse beast. But that doesn't happen here. It's a very brief battle, and we are robbed of seeing what happens. Jimmy takes the safe way out and calls for help. That kind of thing is never a good idea in story. We want to see the hero win on his own. Yes, I get that the writer wants Jimmy to learn a useful lesson...and I get that the writer is trying to avoid cliche.

Which I think is the source of the problem. Trying to avoid cliche. I could almost feel the writer's thought process on that boat. Each time he came to  where he had to make  a story choice, he was determined to avoid something too familiar or expected. But sometimes those tried and true paths are the only way to provide audience satisfaction.

Also, why is Tony a predator? Isn't he just a jerk? I mean there is a television show about catching predators. So there is an expectation that Tony is a similar predator. But he's really just a jerk and he is never in anyway caught.

So for me, what we have here is a story that shows fine craftsmanship in building, but which comes off the rails. The story lines are not tied up in a satisfying way...the expectations created are not fulfilled...the set ups are not paid off. It's a three act story where the third act is still missing.

The writing's decent, better than average. The character development is great, good job there. I like that there's a real sense of relationships here, and with just a few characters you give a range of character types, emotions, motives. A bit more development for Kathleen is needed only because the other two characters are so well established it makes her seem less polished.

But then you betray all that character development.

Jimmy turns adult way too fast, like a light switch coming on he goes from subordinate to dominant, even cocky about it. And Tony switches from alpha male to whiny bitch as soon as he's over water. Where's the physical danger Tony represents? Tony believes Jimmy's nothing, easily beaten if it comes to it, so why does he escalate right to the spear gun just because the kid's running his mouth?

From the title and the early implications, this is about Jimmy getting rid of Tony. Tony's the predator, his mother the prey, but that's barely justified. The stakes aren't high enough, but they could be if Jimmy wants to kill Tony right from the start, especially since he's being driven by the ghost of his father. That should be the goal, and maybe when it comes down to it he can't go through with it, that last lesson his father never did learn but he gets. As it stands now, all the tension is in what Jimmy's going to do, so Tony's accidental fall into the water robs away that tension, which is strange since someone about to be eaten by a shark should be loaded with tension.

Tony's decision to just leave isn't justified either. The only reason to go is if Jimmy represents a real threat or forces it out of Tony before he'll save him from the shark, in which case get the hell out of Dodge because the kid's nuts.

There's a good story at the heart of this, but it falls short right now. Jimmy's motives are unclear and seem divided.

A bit more focus, clearer motives, and consistent characters and this could be quite good. Thanks for the read.

Hi.

First, a small point:

"Maybe I should just tell Billy Luko
where you’re living these days."

If this is coming passive into the script, as I see it here, then you could do that different. Introduce it earlier. Billy Luko is a name and for sure a person. A name shouldn't be just called like that, suddenly, and then used as a form of pressure (by Jimmy) and finally represent a remarkable part of the story.


I like the boy. And I think he's authentic. He's a bit far for his age but that also makes him special. A typical movie character. The later action is good too.

The thing I disliked is that the plot is interwoven with a character, Mickey, from whom we know he's dead, but we don't know why. I don't think I read over the one line which implied what happens to him, but I'll see what others said.

Why I don't like exact this point: I don't know. It's like Mickey is there to justify Jimmy's strength, his knowledge. So, he's part of a construction. Yeah, Mickey was a fisherman, of course; nevertheless I want to know when, why, what brought the death to this wise shark hunter.

And because of that there's the taste of construction- that the character is just needed to make it a good story- with those rules and wise words-

Organic, it would be organic if there's also a complete tale, an arc of Mickey. It's too constructed.
The social aspects of this script were enjoyable. Nevertheless I felt like I heard and read this construction very often.  Half-orphan misses mom or dad and fights against the new one.  

Characters good –
Heard it too often

28. To Catch a Predator - In the summer of 1979, citizens of Fair Haven, Massachusetts were worried about a rogue shark, but one unwelcome guest should have been more concerned about the boy determined to catch it.
Brief - Teen is guided by his father’s ghost to get rid of his mom’s jerk boyfriend.

Characters to Animate/Voice - 4
Jimmy, Kathleen, Tony, Mick
Scenes to Build  - 7
Coastal country road, house INT, bedroom, kitchen, bay harbor, boat cabin + deck
Accessory Visual - average
Accessory Audio - average

Genre & Marketability - Action drama
Script format - Good-ish
Comments  -  OMG. That opening sequence was a monolithic slab of detail.
Consolidate to:
     EXT. COASTAL COUNTRY - DAY
     JIMMY, 14, a nice tubby boy with a backpack, trudges
down a dirt road.

     Turns into the driveway with a boat for sale in the
yard, $2,000.
     Alright, I’m reading ahead and there’s still a lot of detail, some decent dialog, and some heavy emotional drama. Out by the end of page three.
     Producer’s hat is off, reader’s hat on: Slow @ss beginning (I understand set ups can be a slog), but once on the boat this becomes a very nice story! I can’t do anything with this drama-fest, can’t animate it, so… Good luck and best wishes with it.
     That’s some nice literature.
Final word - Pass. Too much drama, not enough shark for a market.

10/15           Lo/Hi Estimated Build Hours per Screen Minute
x 11.3          Screenplay Pages
= 113/170     Total Build Hours Time Cost

By the title, I thought this would be Jail Bait 2.  Thankfully... it's not.

Strong main character and good emotional drama.

First, is this a prequel? It's my fault, I can't remember all the details of Jaws. But nice touch, if shark lives here to later kill in amity for Jaws.

A refreshing approach...The family drama. Realistic characters, slow build of foundation leads to strong emotional drama. The vibe here reminded me of early Spielberg (ET and divorce). Nice supernatural touch, as dad visits and gives guidance. Or conversely, nice way to show Jimmy's thoughts and memories.

Nice transitional imagery with the predator poster and the eyes, to Tony's eyes. Suggestive. I kinda wish you went this route. Alas, that woukd be a different story and may not necessarily reflect the characters.  I think mick should show up with 3rd rule too. Maybe just watching son quote him, smiling the whole time.

Tony and the speargun was a little too severe for me. If he's not that bad of a guy, would he really do this, to his girlfriend's son? If so, maybe he does deserve to die by shark, like I thouht was suggested earlier to me. I have to say, I like it when, despite this, jimmy still saves tony. His dad taught him well. Good dialogue... going. Back. To Brooklyn...

Confusing ending. Did jimmy reel in the shark after all, with a spiritual boost (motivation) from dad? I also assume he now works for charter line that takes tourists out to the ocean or something.  Is this charter company from Jaws? Maybe showing people the beauty of the shark, if not caught. Is this the shark that attacks in original jaws? If an homage or prequel I'd consider makingthese elelements more obvious.

Good moral about parental lessons and dealing with loss.

Refreshing family drama. Light on shark attack stuff. Good main character. Good surreal elements with dad. Intriguing conflict. Uneven ending.

Oooo. I'd say this is neck and neck as my fav.  Top 2, at the very least.

Not really much to comment on.  Just solid writing - and engaging characters.  (Sorry this is vague... but still: well done!)

I thought it's been going another direction. Thought Tony would turn out good  - Jimmy would get in trouble and Tony would save Jimmy.

Otherwise the villain is bad for no reason for me.

It's very well written, all the characters have voices and I appreciated all the advice from Mike - the effort here is apparent. It's a very good script but the second half doesn't work for me for some reason. Jimmy is pretty selfish and I feel for Kathleen. Poor woman's bound to stay alone thanks for him.

Impressive writing and a solid story. The payoff was fine for me and I had no problem with the rather lengthy setup. Nice job author.

Great job Marn! I did vote for this one too.

Superb storytelling, way to go Marnie! It was an easy favorite for me.

I figured this was yours. Well done.

Well done.  Easy decision for me and you got my vote.

Congratulations Marnie - terrific job!!!!!  

Thanks so much for the great reviews. Totally agree the first page was ridiculously dense. I meant to go back and lean it out but didn’t have time. I’ve since trimmed it back, although not as sparse as Ray suggested.

I like DV’s idea about Jimmy turning the spear gun on Tony. Just not enough time to work out all the kinks with the ending…and there are plenty, I know. I had first thought Jimmy would kill Tony, but as I started writing and liking the kid, I felt it wasn't what he could do. So even though the shark doesn't kill here, Kathleen mentions the shark killed someone so I thought that qualified as "rogue".

A little FYI, I spent every summer for 20 some years in Fair Haven, Mass. Some characters/locations are named after a few of my cousins from Fair Haven who’ve passed; “Kathleen”, “Danny’s Cove”, “Junior’s Charters”… Junior was a fisherman, lost at sea. His name is engraved in the Seamen’s Bethel in New Bedford.

In the summer of 1979 (same year I set the story), a few years after the release of Jaws, I was out on a permanently anchored, wooden raft about 200 yards from the shore, with a couple of my cousins. We’d go out there to sunbathe (and party of course). We thought we saw a shark circling us. It went on for about 20 minutes. It was freakin horrifying.  My initial thought was to create a story around that but I just couldn’t come up with anything good since all we did was scream, cry and smoke all the weed we brought out there. LOL.

Thanks again. It was a fun story to write, especially being a Jaws freak and spending summers close to where it was filmed. Thanks DJS and Don!

Just call me Chainsaw Ray!
"BRRRRUMM, BRUUUUUUUUUUMM!



Good entry, Marnie.
Congratulations on your win.

Quoted from EWall433 (are you sure Kathleen says things like, “scored wicked large”?)

I'm absolutely positive. This is how my cousins talk.

Quoted from rendevous I felt like I watching Dexter at the start of page 4. When it was still interesting. Season four or before. After that it went to fuck.

Funny, you weren't the only one to mention "Dexter". I've never seen it. I don't watch much TV although I lost a few weeks of my life when I got "addicted" to Breaking Bad. I have a feeling the same thing would happen if I started watching Dexter.

Quoted from oJOHNNYoNUTSo Not that I can accurately identify it, but I appreciate the tone, and I've certainly been here before. I guess I'll find out who later.

I guess we both have to come up with less obvious styles!  

Quoted from nawazm11 Wait, this is the second script I've read where people are putting bounties on sharks. Is this common? Where's Green Peace and Peta? Does nobody give a shit you're killing animals for money? Is this an American thing? Something please help me out here, I can't believe shit like this goes on in real life... I get hunting, but putting money on it is a totally different scenario.

I don't know if it's common or not. Alex Kintner's mom did it in Jaws, which is why I did it here. Although she only offered $3000.  

Quoted from Dreamscale Pretty good attempt at character development on Page 2 – well done – it works! Page 4 – Yep, you’re actually doing a great job on establishing who these peeps are.  The writing isn’t the best, but it’s working and I’m actually impressed. Page 6 -  You’re rocking the characters here…seriously, well done!

Thanks Jeff. This is something I'm working on right now. Trying to create characters peeps connect with. Glad it's working!!

Quoted from Dreamscale Page 7 – I don’t like the sudden change in tone here, with Jimmy acting like a prick and disrespecting Tony.  I also don’t like Tony calling him a “little shit”.  You had a great character piece going here and now it’s shifted. Page 8/9 – yeah, you’re losing the tone that was totally working earlier.  Now Tony comes off like a little scared shit and I don’t buy it. I totally don’t buy Tony pulling a speargun on a little kid.  You’re losing what was a great story at this point!

I def struggled with this since originally I was going to have Jimmy kill Tony. Still not exactly sure the right way to handle the exchange of power.

Quoted from Gum I'll be honest, as much of a douche bag that Tony is, I'm still glad to hear he made it out alive, it definitely gives Jimmy and his 'Ma' a better chance to heal their sorrows and move on with their lives.

Glad you got that. It would have change their whole dynamic if Jimmy killed Tony. She may have always thought it was done on purpose...not how I wanted to picture their future. Imagine going through life suspecting your kid killed your crappy boyfriend? I'd be sleeping with one eye open all the time.  

Quoted from DV44 My only gripe was how fast Tony accepted leaving Kathleen and Jimmy. I get that he was scared and almost died from the shark attack but that part felt a little forced to me. Would have been kind of cool to see Tony swimming in the water trying to get back on the boat but Jimmy aims the speargun at him threatening to kill him unless he leaves town.

I love this idea. Most likely using it in the rewrite. Thanks DV!!

Dustin figured it's yours and I couldn't... I'm getting old by the day...

Quoted from c m hall I don't like to open a whole can of worms (as it were) but I feel uncomfortable when descriptions push judgments onto the reader.  Makes me feel like I've been given a cartoon version of the story.

I agree. Especially true in first drafts.  

Quoted from TimWestland I'm glad you didn't make this a classic "kid's gonna outsmart the guido and kill him while making it look like an accident" chestnut. That would've been bad.

Gotta be honest -- I really wanted to kill the guido. LOL. Jimmy is obviously a better person than I am.  

Quoted from Reef Dreamer The boy asking for help element probably needs a little more fleshing out. With a larger page count you could give a glimpse of the fathers back story.

I had a backstory about that but couldn't fit it. If I rewrite this thing I'll definitely flesh that out. Thanks Bill.  

Quoted from DustinBowcot I can see some areas where you've tried so desperately hard not to start an action block with a character's name that you've utilised the odd past tense word. I do that too, since I learned that it doesn't look good to start an action block with a character's name all the time I suppose it comes down to which is the lesser of the two evils.

You are spot on. I have to find a happy medium.  Funny how that gave away my identity.

Quoted from MarkRenshaw Kathleen doesn’t seem fussed her boyfriend has left; if she’s let him move in with her family she must have cared for him. It seemed odd.

I tried to show that she was getting fed up with him but I'll definitely make it more clear if I decided to rewrite it. Thanks Mark.  

Quoted from CrusaderVoice '70's setting...adolenscent kid...an awkward family situation - that's drawing from some classic Spielberg but was subtle if it was intended at all and most definitely worked.

I love those kinds of stories. I did have certain films in my mind while writing this...like ET, Stand by Me and Goonies. I love the kids in those movies.  

Quoted from Grey From the beginning, I know your characters. I’m so tired of reading things like: short hair, muscular. Finally some really great descriptions and actions from the characters that open them up so that we know them inside and out.

Thanks! Better character descriptions is one of the things I'm focussing on now. I recently brought up this subject on another site. It's the one place you can take some liberties and give a little extra info. I'm trying to take better advantage of that.  

Quoted from KevinLenihan I'm not so sure about the ending. I mean on the one hand it's good that we didn't get the predictable eating of Tony by the shark. But I have no idea at all why Tony decided to go back to Brooklyn. And that would be important under any circumstance, but it is particularly important considering that was the POINT of the story...that the ghost of Mick(whether real or imagined doesn't matter) is guiding his son how to be rid of the predator(Tony). But as far as I can tell, no action of Jimmy really could have been expected to achieve this. I mean there is no reason Tony ever has to get on that boat again, since that's what he's afraid of. I don't get it. Why is Tony leaving? He was going to sell the boat. It's not like they are fishermen. Why wouldn't Tony just avoid the ocean and the boat? That's the heart of it: the lessons the father is teaching the son are clearly designed so that they will help Jimmy turn the tables on his oppressive new step father. And it begins masterfully. We get the sense of a boy cleverly plotting Tony's downfall. That's cool. It just doesn't work out that way. It feels like the writer just couldn't figure out how to do it. The lessons don't lead to anything connected to defeating Tony or causing him to return to Brooklyn. And it HAS to. That's the spine of the story.

I totally agree. In my head there was so much back story about Mick, what happened to him, the regrets he had...I just couldn't get it together. And I def rushed things with Tony. A lot of back story there that I just wasn't able to flesh out. It is absolutely the spine of the story but when I tried to fit it all in to make the 12 page count, it just felt forced. I was hoping people would get the idea I was going for at this point. You are spot on though and these are things that need to be addressed if I do a rewrite.

Quoted from KevinLenihan Yes, Jimmy had information he threatened to use against Tony. But this was kind of just thrown in there. We don't know what it's about, and it seemed to have no affect at all on Tony.

Yep...just not enough time. I was going to show that Jimmy overheard a phone convo and found out Tony had to leave Brooklyn cus he owed someone money (was supposed to be a "loan shark").

Quoted from KevinLenihan An expectation was also created where the prize money for catching Jaws would be used to solve Jimmy's problems. But he doesn't catch the shark. Another dead end.

Another thing I didn't have time to flesh out. In my head, Junior shows up and they help Jimmy catch the shark.  

Quoted from KevinLenihan Also, why is Tony a predator? Isn't he just a jerk? I mean there is a television show about catching predators. So there is an expectation that Tony is a similar predator. But he's really just a jerk and he is never in anyway caught.

Yeah...just didn't have time or room to expand on this. What I wanted to show was that he owed a lot of money, had to leave Brooklyn. Meets this widow, shmoozes her, preys on her vulnerable emotional state, borrows money...then tries to sell the kid's boat... I tried adding it in but it just came out like exposition. That for sure needs to unfold.  Thanks so much for this well thought out, insightful review Kevin. You gave me a lot to think about!!  

Quoted from khamanna Dustin figured it's yours and I couldn't... I'm getting old by the day...

LOL...You got older just yesterday.  

You have a gift for building a story, Marne...it's hard to do! I could tell you needed a few more days to figure out the boat stuff, and the last few clues the father would give the boy. Which was a great approach, too! You just needed to tie it all in. Few more days and you would have hit it out of the park!

Quoted from ReneC From the title and the early implications, this is about Jimmy getting rid of Tony. Tony's the predator, his mother the prey, but that's barely justified. Tony's decision to just leave isn't justified either. The only reason to go is if Jimmy represents a real threat or forces it out of Tony before he'll save him from the shark, in which case get the hell out of Dodge because the kid's nuts.

I just couldn't fit it all in but I'm glad you at least got the idea, which sometimes in these shorts is all you can hope for. Jimmy has some info on Tony, but again, I couldn't fit it in. You're right though...at some point Tony has to look at this kid and see him as a threat. Not only because of the info he has on him, but because he realizes he'll do whatever he has to in order to protect his Mom...even feed Tony to the sharks. Thanks Rene!  

Quoted from PrussianMosby Billy Luko is a name and for sure a person. A name shouldn't be just called like that, suddenly, and then used as a form of pressure (by Jimmy) and finally represent a remarkable part of the story.

I had a backstory on this, just couldn't fit it in. But I wanted to at least throw some suspicion out there and let everyone know Jimmy had some info on Tony.  

Quoted from RayW Teen is guided by his father’s ghost to get rid of his mom’s jerk boyfriend.

I love this logline...no shark needed.

Quoted from RayW      EXT. COASTAL COUNTRY - DAY      JIMMY, 14, a nice tubby boy with a backpack, trudges down a dirt road.      Turns into the driveway with a boat for sale in the yard, $2,000.

While I'm in no way disputing the first page is dense...I think you went a little overboard with your chainsaw there Leatherface.     

Quoted from Last Fountain First, is this a prequel? It's my fault, I can't remember all the details of Jaws. But nice touch, if shark lives here to later kill in amity for Jaws.

Not a prequel. It takes place in 79, Jaws was released in 75 I think. I had a line in there about the shark attack in Amity but ended up taking it out.

Quoted from Last Fountain Confusing ending. Did jimmy reel in the shark after all, with a spiritual boost (motivation) from dad? I also assume he now works for charter line that takes tourists out to the ocean or something.  Is this charter company from Jaws? Maybe showing people the beauty of the shark, if not caught. Is this the shark that attacks in original jaws? If an homage or prequel I'd consider making these elements more obvious.

At the last minute, I removed the dialog at the end where I had Kathleen congratulate Jimmy for catching the shark with Junior. Instead I just said Junior offered him a job. It felt really forced so I thought it best to leave it out and hope people figured with Junior's help, they caught it. Thanks Daniel.  

Quoted from khamanna It's a very good script but the second half doesn't work for me for some reason. Jimmy is pretty selfish and I feel for Kathleen. Poor woman's bound to stay alone thanks for him.

I tried to portray Tony as a jerk. Kathleen is a recent widow, he's taking advantage of her vulnerable state. He's also not very nice to Jimmy and she's beginning to see that. I definitely need to make this all clearer in the rewrite...and you know I'll be hitting you up for a read Kham!  

  

Quoted from KevinLenihan You have a gift for building a story, Marne...it's hard to do! I could tell you needed a few more days to figure out the boat stuff, and the last few clues the father would give the boy. Which was a great approach, too! You just needed to tie it all in. Few more days and you would have hit it out of the park!

Thanks so much Kevin. And with a few more days I think there would have been a 10 way tie for first...maybe more!

Quoted from mmmarnie And with a few more days I think there would have been a 10 way tie for first...maybe more!

No...incorrect...

Something would have come Up from the Depths to snare the victory!  

Marnie,

Real good effort here. Congrats on the win. You could kinda see what was coming early on, I think. I got the picture that Jimmy was going to exact some sort of revenge on that creep Tony. But I didn't mind. It was so
Well written that I went along on the journey willingly.

Where it ended up was a little unsatisfying, but I guess it just gets chalked up to the time constraints. Anyway, written well, told well with a clear voice. Great job.

Three kids stuck in the middle of the water on a raft? Nice psychological aspect to that one! One day, perhaps.

Steve

Thanks Steven. I definitely lost something at the end. Probably because the whole time I was on the fence about killing Tony. I'm happy with my call, but it for sure effected the story.

Three teens on a raft, enough weed for two days, no food...and no way to shore without being eaten by a shark. It does have possibilities.

Quoted from mmmarnie ..and you know I'll be hitting you up for a read Kham!

Sure, you absolutely should. I'd love to read it again.

Hey marnieml

Read and wrote this at work so apologies on how short this is.

Fix age on first page. Thought it was a flashback.

Think Micks dialogue will work best as a flashback showing father and son working together.

End of pg. 14, too soon to curse. He should be intrigued by what jimmy has said.

Enjoyed tale. Would be interesting to see jimmy kill tony.

Hope this helps
Gabe