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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    July 2013 One Week Challenge  ›  Gazpacho Day - OWC Moderators: Dreamscale
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  Author    Gazpacho Day - OWC  (currently 3503 views)
Don
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:49am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Gazpacho Day by N - Short - A divorced father attempts to discover what happened to his daughter while alone in the Alaskan wilderness. - pdf, format


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pale yellow
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 11:16am Report to Moderator
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This is written well. I loved the mystery. I still want to know more after reading it. This is my favorite so far.


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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 1:28pm Report to Moderator
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As I go:

Mmmm, caribou...

Whoo! "Her mental state is exempt of free will." Yucky. How 'bout "She walks, zombie-like"? Or "blank-eyed"? And not to put too fine a point on it, but I think everyone's mental state is "exempt of free will." But now I'm being a jerk and will stop. Hahah.

I really like the gag with the land-mine but I think there's just a line of description missing, or something? Just like, "She steps off. The mine sits, dead." Or whatever.

Tons of super awkward description, but I'm just gonna say that and leave it from now on. I really like the story so far, though.

I was with you on the German, but you lost me after that with the...uh...Slovak, or something? Haha that's a shot in the dark. Or is that Russian? Something about Christ?

Thoughts:

So aliens cause a little girl to channel a variety of dead people until finally she channels her own grandmother to give Daddy the last motherly words he never thought he'd hear. That's what I'm getting here. Also, possibly she channels the captain of his brother's boat? But I can't figure out Gazpacho Day. Is that anything? That one is too obscure for me...or it's just fun weirdness.

Anyway, this was excellent. Just a classic, creepy alien tale with original presentation. Really enjoyed. Cannot wait to hear the author's thoughts on the mystery.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 3:20pm Report to Moderator
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where's my simply scripts thong?

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Title - can't see the relevance but I somewhat like it

Oh hello a first paragraph of eight lines. That's like a flashing light to us lot. It maybe unfair but it means the reader has started off thinking poorly of the story.

But lets see...

The pines and tall no matter how steep the mountains - doesn't really belong in a script - can't be seen on the screen, as you tell it, and besides doesn't really add anything.
Her mental state is exempt of free will - first off I don't know what this means, but again be careful of putting these in a script.
P2 - look at how lean this is. Your script should be like this.
P2 - don't have a mini slug under a main slug - you include it in the main slug

First line living room s awkward - keep things simple and clean

P3 you seem to have round the house - you don't need to. Keep to what we have to see.

P4 to be honest there is a lot to comment on one point here. If you are changing focus from a picture to the scene, then make it clear. Usually needs a seperate line, or an insert
P8 if they drive there how did the grl get there and back

The end did lose me a bit.

All the best


My scripts  HERE

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marnieml
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 3:48pm Report to Moderator
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The writing here was excellent.  So visual and descriptive.  Too good to be wasted on a screenplay. In some places too much for a screenplay but lovely writing nonetheless.

I can't say that I totally understood this.  I wasn't sure who Gayla was channeling.  I liked that though.  Could really be creepy on screen especially when she was speaking German. The German thing was creepy immediately so I don't think you needed more than one bit of dialog on that.  

I liked that there were people, ghosts...whatever in that cave.  That was also eerie.  Maybe with a rewrite or a little expansion it will become more clear who or what they are.

I didn't like Daddy.  Maybe it's the mother in me but this kid seemed fucked up and he didn't care.  That bothered me.

I did enjoy this. Great idea for the challenge.  


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Another solid effort here, but I have mixed feelings about it.  The opening note made me chuckle. I thought to myself, due to the summer solstice, this region has extended periods of low budget film making. Lol! No vampires in this, but I see why you did it.  Your writing style is confusing at times, I think you need to keep it simple.  The Russian followed by German was overkill.  Interesting title, but I really don't see what that had to do with the story, other than give you a sense that any motive can be inspired by something as simple as soup.  Wtf were those things in the cave?! I don't think this one is there yet, but with a good bowl of gazpacho, your rewrite should be a breeze.  Good job!

Johnny
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DV44
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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I think I know who wrote this. Name starts with an S? It's eerie similar to a short I read a month or so ago. Maybe I'm wrong. Either way I really liked it. A fresh take on alien abduction with the mine field coming into play.

Nice visuals. Tight writing for the most part. Needs just a bit of a rewrite but overall just a great job! An early fave of mine. Congrats on finishing the OWC!

- Dirk
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J.S.
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
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I don’t know how I feel about this one.

(Spoilers)

The whole, girl-starts-talking-like-she’s-possessed-by-a-demon, was creepy at first but only slightly raised my interest.

Reintroducing the land mine at the end, again, definitely clever but I feel like you could have had it last a bit more.

I wouldn't consider it poor but also not good either. Somewhere between fair and okay.

There are few potential elements that you could have really taken to another level: the possessed girl, the mine, the observers in the cave, etc. But you only scratched the surface and so everything in between was so bland I was not particularly satisfied. So the ideas that are strong need more depth, relevance, and attention.

- J.S.
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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:30pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty shocked to see peeps saying the writing is good here, as IMO, it's far from it.

Highly doubt that Adak, Alaska is considered to be the Pacific Northwest.

The opening "NOTE" makes no sense.  If a region or area has a certain anomaly, it doesn't need to be mentioned in a note, as notes simply address something in the script, not the story.

An 8 line passage in which most of the sentences have no relationship - house, town, etc.

Next, a 5 liner, followed by 4 and 4.  Normally, I'd be out already, but I'll push on.

The writing is way overwritten - again, shocked how peeps have said how well this is written.  Unfilmables and pretty much what I'd call senseless lines are everywhere.  Am I reading the same script others are?

I have no idea what's going on and we're still on page 1.

I read page 2 and again, I'm clueless.  Many mistakes running around here and the writing itself (to me) is a mess.  I'm sorry, but I'm out on this one.

Thanks for entering.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Heretic
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:44pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
The writing is way overwritten


For gosh sakes, someone call the Irony Police!!


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Dreamscale
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Heretic
For gosh sakes, someone call the Irony Police!!




Oooops!!!



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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LC
Posted: July 14th, 2013, 10:49pm Report to Moderator
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There's something quite quirky and different in this tale but I had a lot of trouble getting into the 'story' and it was testing my patience after a while. It just didn't seem like a lot was going on over quite a few pages.

I'm guilty of overwriting but even I thnk this suffers from too much description and I don't want to offend but it seems a lot of the time you're going for 'clever' and it doesn't quite come off for me.

Examples:
'The cleanliness of the residence is a cluttered affair, some would interpret it as cozy.'
'Gayla begins to calm down, her rhetoric subsides.'
'Daddy’s loose screws begin to shake to the surface'

Hey, obviously some like this kind of thing and I think beneath all the 'overdone'ness' you are a good writer. I just also think sometimes simple is best.

This one seems to ramp up at the end but sorry, overall I couldn't last the distance.


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nawazm11
Posted: July 15th, 2013, 12:23am Report to Moderator
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"Her mental state is exempt of free will." I have no clue what that means, and how one can see her 'mental state', regardless of whether this was being filmed or not. Most of the writing so far doesn't progress the story at all, and the huge blocks of paragraphs don't help anyone with the script.

"she has reached a height that most men wouldn’t dare." What? Took me a good moment to understand what you meant here.

I'll stop focusing on the writing for now, but there's just too much of it at the moment.

"His movements are within masculine regs, but feminine enough to ask the question." Scratch my comment above. Honestly, I have no clue how that sentence works, like, I feel as if this is a line I'd read in a pisstake. Just does not work for me, his movements are feminine enough to ask questions? Really? His movements? Anyway, let's continue...

That next line doesn't sound feminine to me at all.

"Dust particles and smoke dance in the sun rays from the pinholes of a drawn shade." I see no need for this. Why not just start in the bedroom and just go from there? I get you're trying to set a nice filmic aura but unless you've got a 10k budget, nobody would want to film an extra 4 scenes of a house which do nothing to the story.

"Daddy’s got the kind of face that looks like he’s been tortured before and slightly enjoyed it." Come on now, there is no way a face can show this. Does he have like scars over his face, and perhaps some writing over his forehead that reads "I was tortured, and I enjoyed it".

Currently, I'm six pages in and I've only seen two things. Firstly, that the girl was at the tower and secondly, that she faints in front of her father. I honestly think we can achieve this in 1 page.

"Gayla begins to have a seizure behind him." I suggest putting this after the blood drips from her and after her eyes roll back. It just gives it more effect.

Tried to translate the German dialogue in a translator, came out with gibberish, which luckily, is a good thing. Translators generally tend to have horrendous grammar so I'm glad you put some research into this.

On page 10, have we been watching this all from the Mountain Side? Really need to fix that.

Finished.

Not sure about this one, a little bit too out there but at least it's original. There's a good vibe through the script and I like that. Maybe not the best script I've read so far but it was definitely refreshing.

The writing wasn't very good I'm afraid, like Jeff, I'm incredibly surprised that some people said that is well written. Flowery prose tends to trick people into thinking the writing is amazing, when in reality, it's just a cheap way to make the script look good. I don't see anything nice about the writing unfortunately.

Grade: C
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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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I think there's potentially a good story here but it gets lost at times because of overwriting, confusing phrases and repetition. I'm guessing the girl's encounter with the creatures or maybe the old military location (and radio frequency) has made her a vessel for the dead to communicate. That's the only way I could make sense of it and it tied in with Daddy's opening phone conversation about his brother and mother.

I think this could easily be cut down to about 6-7 pages if a lot of the filler was cut out, probably even less. Why see Daddy and Gayla walk to the truck, stop and chat to Bluebeard before getting to cave? Why have him talking to the Doctor if it doesn't come into play? Here's an example of repetition that really spoilt a great use of visual writing (if you meant it that way?)

Daddy asks Gayla "Did (the) hurt you?" Should have been "they" a few typos and missing words were running around but that's expected in a OWC.

Her reaction: "Gayla tugs her shirt toward her feet."

Now, that to me says a lot and is quite a powerful image. You've done a great job and Gayla asking her father "Do you still love me?" Excellent but then...

He goes on to repeat the question "Did they hurt you?" and Gayla cries and there is something about his loose screw. It's unnecessary and ruined a good moment in your story for me. Now, I could of misinterpreted this scene and that's not unusual but there's still a lesson to be learnt - maybe just for me if anything.

On the other hand, when you've mentioned something in the dialogue, it doesn't need to be told to us again in the action, for example:

Daddy states "Dammit, I forgot the ice cream." You then have this in the next action line:

Before he leaves (to go get the ice cream,) he notices the doodle. No need for this line, it's obvious from the dialogue what he's about to do. All this did was create a pesky orphan that will make Jeff hot under the collar.

It's promising but it needs some focus and clarity as I'm not even sure if I got the meaning behind it.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve
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EWall433
Posted: July 17th, 2013, 1:09pm Report to Moderator
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Unfortunately I wasn’t able to process this story and it’s overwritten to boot (the second paragraph is 8 lines long.

There was a decent attempt to build atmosphere and some other touches that made me smile (I wish Beard and Moustache had more face time  ),  but overall it just wasn’t my thing.

Congrats on completing it for the challenge though!
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