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Cliff Notes by David Birch (slapshot) (Free the Tribbles) Short, Romantic Dramedy w/ music - Life imitates art, but can life imitate commercials? - pdf, format
I believe that there are way too many characters and scenes for a 12 page short.
It was a very enjoyable read with comedy and romance supplied. The part with the dumpster and the homeless worried about his desert made me giggle.
This was very well written and flowed. The lyrics were superbly used to finish off the romantic side. I found a minor typo "employee pasees" sure that was meant to read "passes"; otherwise, well done!
This seemed to veer off three quarters of the way through, when it jumped from being Tate's story to Cliff's. Writing style was fine and it read well. But again it looks like the writer hurried the ending. Hmmm, maybe I need to read it again later. Then again, this was a tough challenge!
This seemed to veer off three quarters of the way through, when it jumped from being Tate's story to Cliff's. Writing style was fine and it read well. But again it looks like the writer hurried the ending. Hmmm, maybe I need to read it again later. Then again, this was a tough challenge!
What he said, but I ain't reading it again. I give more points for writing style though. The Tate part was good.
OK, I read this twice and I actually spent a lot of time going back and reading. For some reason I had problems with it and I think I know why now.
The nature of Trans Global, the company, was not clear to me. For some reason I missed it and then realized it was an airline company. My mistake. Also, the fact that they were working on the advertising for the company-- I missed that too, even though there's a reference to commercials in the logline. The problem is that it's just not shown enough.
Maybe it would have been interesting to show this commercial getting 'worked on' because I had no idea when this happened:
Cliff (ON HIS CELL)I know, I know...just make sure she doesn’t listen to the audio when they start the movie.
I didn't understand what that was about. What audio?
I went back into the script to find a mysterious audio and couldn't find such an animal.
I was confused by this:
TATE (ON HIS CELL) Old man Denninger thinks I’m a genius. Tate dumps the files on the passenger seat. TATE No, no...I owe it all to you.
What did Cliff do for him regarding the account?
Also, the card was very mysterious to me.
At first I thought it was a credit card. Then I realized it was some kind of Valentiney card.
The fact that Robin was all overly romantic and smooshy wooshy should have been shown more rather than only being told in a telephone conversation.
So I think you missed an opportunity for humor there and also here:
>INT. DENNINGER PHILLIPS & HEWES - LATER
Tate sprints out of the elevator. The Receptionist sees Tate; stands.
RECEPTIONIST (waving a note) Tate.
Tate stops. Walks to her desk.
RECEPTIONIST (handing him the note)
It’s Mister Denninger. He wants to see you before you leave. I hope you have a change of clothes...
**When the receptionist sees him looking like this, I think she might DO something. Like maybe even give him the shirt off her back. (A moment!) Because maybe she owes him and doesn't want him going in all spaghettied up.
The work is verging on excellence. The only reason it falls a bit flat to me is that the characters are a little too cliche cardboardy, you know what I mean.
But it doesn't matter if you can just take your solid technical ability and inject more of that humor and character and then I think you will be laughing. And so will we!
As far as meeting the challenge goes, I don't think that there was romance going on. Cliff didn't want romance. It was driving him batty.
This might be something you could think about in rewrites. Probe Cliff's psychological indifference or abhorrence to it. And show him fighting it tooth and nail. Then, maybe you could have him changing slowly from little things that happen along the way.
Of course, then we are getting out of the short range and into a full feature I guess, but I thought I'd send you those thoughts.
The main problem I had with this script is I couldn't undentify it's main character - who is it Tate or Cliff? what's the importance of the card (what is it - a business card or a credit card).
Few things I couldn't understand - Why would Tate search for a card in a trash, is it possible at all to find such a small thing in a bins in five minutes. When he found what he was looking for - that seemed really unbelievable to me. I couldn't understand what Tate and Cliff agreed upon (something to do with the card again), how did Angela found the card, who loves who...
I'm sorry to say that I just didn't understand this story. First it seemed like Tate was the main character then it switched to Cliff. But what I was really confused about was the card, the movie on the plane and why Robin was crying. I couldn't figure it out. What wasn't she supposed to hear?
I think this needs more focus on the characters, their motives and the plot of the story itself.
Your writing style is easy to read. It flowed nicely, just needs some clarity.
Ok it seems a few people are confused by this and what was going on. I got what was happening but I can see how it would be confusing.
As I understand it, Robin wrote a card (birthday or whatever) for Cliff, who left it at the restaurant. Tate retreives the card and after telling Cliff what the card says, he gets the idea to use the words in the card as lyrics for the song in the airline's commercial. That is why he got the free tickets, because his boss was happy at the work he did.
As for the ending, I think Tate tells Cliff not to let Robin listen to the beginning because he is worried she will hear the lyrics and know he stole them. But she sees them on screen and instead of being upset she thinks it is a romantic gesture by Cliff and she cries because she is happy. Am I right?
What I didn't understand was why Tate insisted Cliff get back together with Robin. He has already finished his work assignment so why does he need them to get back together or be on the flight? Especially when he seems to want to make sure Robin doesn't see/hear the lyrics on the flight.
Biggest mistake I could see was how is it possible for an airline to have a commercial up and running in only a day? Tate steals the lyrics and the next day they alread have the song recoreded by a choir and playing it at the start of the flight? Never gonna happen.
And as others have said, the main character seems to switch from Tate to Cliff. Pick a protag and stick with them. I thought when Tate went to get the card that we would see the romance develop between him and Angela. But nothing happened with her so didn't think she even needed to be in the story.
Your logline also gave no hint as to what the actual story was about. It is a very vague and abstract question that could be applied to a number of films because it doesn't really say anything. Try coming up with a logline that captures the main idea of your plot.
Was a bit light on romance and comedy, but I can see what you were going for. Overall I don't think it really worked but good effort anyway.
Cons – Vague re: nature of Tate’s work, that the card was a romantic Hallmark-type of card, and Cliff’s relationship with Tate. For the first half of the script I thought the story was about Tate when I read it.
Comedy – The scenes were mostly serious in tone. The dumpster scene was smile funny not chuckle worthy. Wasted comic potential with room full of Suits and airlines.
Romance – Cliff was more scared of Robin and seeing her cry, I didn’t feel any romance vibe. I felt more romance between Angela and Tate.
Lyrics – A romance card which later became lyrics on airline promo video
Writer – Story could use some clarification on key points to pick it up. Setting us up for a twist was a good idea, but several key pieces were not clear to me. What’s the difference between “off his look” and “on her look?” Maybe if the story had started with Cliff looking for the card.
Criteria – More of a drama without much of comedic touch or strong romantic vibe.
Hmmm...wow...no go, bro. Lots of problems going on here, from the very first sentence, with 2 passive verbs...it's usually a bad omen when a script starts out this way, and once again, it's proven to be true.
I'm not going to go into any of the technical issues here, but I will say a few things about the story. Very, very hard to follow and make sense of, and that's never a good thing. Is this a romantic comedy? I don't think so. Too many characters, too much going on (too much that went on, that's eluded to), and oddly thrown together.
The inclusion of the music dosen't work for me, nor does it make any sense as to what it is or what it's supposed to mean.
Sorry, but this is one of my least favorites so far.
Good. Hit pretty hard in the comedy department...A lot of set up to get to the point of Robin and the airplane...Did she think the song was aimed at her, ala Your're so Vain, or did Tate snarf the lyrics that Robin wrote on the card, which is why she got that reaction? [If it was TATE that opened the envelope and focused on everyword, that chain of logic makes sense, and given it was in Tate's office, it may have been a typo, which is tough because the whole story kind of hinges on that moment. I'm gonna assume that's the case.] Really liked the set up in the dumpster...sending a corporate suit dumpster diving is always comic, like getting hit in the groin with a football-funny on so many levels...Anyway, good characters, crisp descriptions, some romance and some actual funny...Nice job.
Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently - Dove Chocolate Wrapper
Hmm, this one fell apart at the end. I had to go back and read the past few pages over again and still wasn't completely sure what had happened. If possible, I would recommend having Cliff hunting down the card in the beginning. Then he can call his friend Tate for advice on whether or not to break up with Robin... or fail to get the card in time and Robin breaks up with him, so he has to call Tate for advice on how to win her back. I don't know,... something other than how you have it now where the main character switches halfway through the script. The descriptions in the beginning were over-written as well. Sure they read well and I could vividly picture everything in the office, but considering how little that aspect played into the actual story, you could've used that space to add some clarity to the last half of your script.
I didn't think the lyrics were all that bad and I liked how you formatted the song so that the lyrics were easy to sing along to the music. There was comedy in the first few pages with Tate's story and there could've been drama in the last half if things played out a little differently. I didn't really see any romance though.
I guess you can't expect a perfect script in one week's time and judging from your descriptions at the beginning, you have the writing ability to tighten this one up with more time. Good luck with this one, but not one of my favorites!
I was confused because I initially thought Tate was the protagonist, but meanwhile it was Cliff. It was a nice story, well told, but ended in confusion for me. Why did they have to sit apart? Why mustn't she hear the lyrics? Did Tate not know they'd be scrolled? Was she supposed to not know he'd stolen her words? Was her reaction completely unexpected -- that she'd consider using her stolen words as a romantic gesture and fall in love with Cliff again?
I'd say it needs to focus on Cliff as the protagonist with Tate as the bad friend who steals the girl's words, but then it all ends happily.
i read it once then read the comments. i still don't really get what happened. I'm not going back to read it again.
What the fuck was in Robin's card??? An engagement ring maybe?? Well then they lazy fuck Cliff best get his ass out there and drudge in the dumpster himself....
Alright, little tipsy, Time for me to put me jammies on, i started to read it again, but i got even more confused. Maybe i should put the bottle down. Or am i making sense???
I was rooting for this story at the get-go because the writing was clever, the dialog was fresh and did a lot to define the character. But then, the story hit the brakes and I was confused.
The card - was it a credit card, birthday card, what was it? The shift from Tate to Cliff to Robin, and the lyrics at the end -- why did she love him for that?
Biggest concern- what about the premise of the Challenge: a film director has a piece of music and he/she needs lyrics and a script to create a story around it...where is that in this story?
That said, I think the writer is skilled technically and has a fine ear for dialog. Write on....
Biggest concern- what about the premise of the Challenge: a film director has a piece of music and he/she needs lyrics and a script to create a story around it...where is that in this story?
Welcome Big Lew! Always nice to see a new face around here.
I vote on this quote for quote of the day. Sort of puts things in perspective, doesn't it?
EDIT: I've notified Lew about the misunderstanding.
I liked this one but it was a bit confusing, the most confusing was who the main character was, i'm guessing it was Cliff but for the first half it seemed like tate. Who ever wrote this must be a Seinfeld fan with the "cry, cry again" reference. This fit the challenge and good use of the song. I just wish it was more clear who the main character was. Good work though.
..."CHURNING and BURNING"...how abecedarian of me...oh wait a minute, that's from the "moon" screenplay...sorry brooooooooooooooooooooooooo.....
God, i must be retarded, because i have not idea what you are talking about... At least quote "Dreamscale" if you're going to call him out. I didn't like your script. i know it;s the OWC, people don't have enough time, not enough pages... But you're putting yourself out there. Some criticism is constructive, some is not.
I actually pay more attention to my negative reviews than my prose. i try to retort them to think in my manner... if i cannot, i've lost them. Maybe my script isn't so good if I have to explain?
Anyways, If that was the only thing you can say to all those who've taken the time to read yours.... I know you haven't read mine. i'll be ignoring anything from you in the future.
I don't know why people post scripts on here if they are going to get so upset everytime they receive some criticism. Isn't the point of getting feedback on your scripts so you can see where things are not working and where you can improve?
For this particular script there were a lot of people who didn't get it and were confused by it. The comments given by everyone are meant to help, nobody is trying to cut you down. So for you to lash out at Dreamscale or anyone else is unwarranted, and is a sure way to make sure you don't receive any feedback in the future. Just keep in mind that people are giving up their time when they comment on your work.
David, you're quite the wordsmith, aren't you. First you throw out "abecedarian", and now you grace us with "subtext". Wow, I for one am really impressed with you. You should be impressed with yourself as well. But that's obvious, already, isn't it?
Dude, let's go back to your original little post directed at me (without using my name). Can you use some even bigger words and explain what that post was all about, or supposed to mean? Or do you have trouble writing in a way that people have a fucking clue what you're talking about?
Definitely a romantic drama, a little light on comedy, but I enjoyed it a lot, & mainly because it was ‘out of the norm’ and required a little more ‘thought’ on behalf of the reader.
A couple of things I could quibble about. I think the ‘waiter the ‘homeless man’(comic relief) and ‘Angela’ took up a bit too much space but on the flip side they also added colour to the script. And seeing as this was the OWC I got the feeling this may have been edited more later.
A query re page 8. I’m just wondering if in the line of description, it should have read ‘Tate pulls the card out etc’ not ‘Cliff’. I could be wrong but I think this is where Tate gets his inspiration, is it not?
Some have been confused by this one. I think an easy solve would be that Cliff and Robin feature more prominently at the ‘top’ – even just one scene would serve as the ideal precursor to the ending which imo you nailed in terms of ‘romance’.
Great dialogue throughout btw.
At one point I was wondering how the heck the lyrics were going to come into play. And then you surprised me by neatly fitting all the pieces of the puzzle together.
Well, this script - subtext or not - fell a little short for me. It is logical enough, but just not very enlightening, or entertaining.
Tim summed up some of the main problems, and that was the inconsistencies with ad development, and why Tate insisted Cliff got back with whatshername.
Anyway, the best part here is that the script opened up well. Punchy descriptions, and you did setup the pressure of why Tate feels compelled to push the boat out for his boss.
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