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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Impropriety - OWC
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  Author    Impropriety - OWC  (currently 6443 views)
Scar Tissue Films
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 5:30pm Report to Moderator
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Part of the fantasy genre is that supernatural events are not explained.

That's kind of why it's fantasy.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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We/I need to see Annie's cans...badly lacking is gratuitous T & A.



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Stumpzian
Posted: October 25th, 2014, 6:09pm Report to Moderator
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Not sure I understand it all, but there's an unholy aura about this that makes it work.

Thumbs up.



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stevemiles
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 6:24am Report to Moderator
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I see the idea behind this one and I like it -- for me a few logic issues kept me from getting fully behind it; but given the parameters of the challenge it's a given that there's limitations.

Given his apparent remorse I think we could do with some reason (real or imagined) why David chooses to mutilate himself for his crimes instead of killing himself -- maybe he can’t?  Also if he knows himself to be a danger why (assuming the reality would be a choice) would he consent to visits from a nurse -- especially on Halloween if he knows he’ll end up brutally murdering her?  

Impressed at the lack of dialogue -- so kudos on that one.

Solid idea, a little more work on the set-up could see it hit home -- if you were in the mind to take it beyond the OWC that is.  P.3 stands out -- a horrific take on the DIY ‘see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil’ theme.

Just disappointed we never got to see if David sure played a mean pinball…


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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wonkavite
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 10:54am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Scar Tissue Films
Part of the fantasy genre is that supernatural events are not explained.

That's kind of why it's fantasy.


Sorry, Rick - got to disagree with you on this one.  Fantasy works best when it has an organic, internal logic - which this one doesn't.  (I'm sure the script could be reworked to have that, but it doesn't now.)  For instance, with the Dr. Flash script, the mad scientist creates the portal.  That makes more sense then having something appear willy-nilly.  Another example - Harry Potter - the existence and rules of magic is carefully explained.  Even with Fantasy, things are better when they have reasons...  
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Dustin
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 11:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from wonkavite

Fantasy works best when it has an organic, internal logic - which this one doesn't.


I took the fantasy as being in his mind. Obviously he couldn't literally cut his own eyes out. I took it all as figurative. In his mind he is cutting off his own tongue etc, in a see no evil kinda way, then wears the glasses and even believes he has hollow pits for eyes. The reality is he has eyes, tongue etc, but each Halloween he reverts back to type with a fantasy in his mind about his parts being returned.


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Gum
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 12:29pm Report to Moderator
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This is definitely the most gruesome script I've read so far, seriously twisted!

I'm not sure David is dumb, as stated, deaf and blind yes, but I think he fully understands what's happening, and besides his internal dialog (telling him to constantly mutilate himself), he's ensuring he cannot see or speak of the evils he has done to others, or that he's being used as a scapegoat to fulfill some other beings lust for carnage.

Curious that no one would smell the rotting bodies from the basement, mind you... they are wrapped in plastic, lol. The demonic disco ball, throwing psychedelic beams everywhere is a nice touch, kind of like a rainbow road to the underworld of pain and debauchery.

This somehow puts me in mind of a horror from the 80's '976-EVIL'  not sure why, lol... I'll have to watch it again someday.

Any ways, good writing with some very unique and disturbing visuals at work here...
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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:46pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was well written, but yet another script where the concept and theme could have been further explored with more pages.  This idea of a self mutilating sexual deviant is an interesting one, and the twist at the end is successful, but would have had even more of an impact if the relationship between David and Annie went even deeper than shown.  Only one page is dedicated to their relationship.  If David's unrequited love for Annie was shown throughout the script, then his betrayal of her would have been much more devastating, IMO.

The DRACULA and FRANKENSTEIN appearances were rather awkward and unnecessary.  

Several people have mentioned that the fantasy elements in these scripts don't need any explanation, and I agree to a certain extant.  But in this script I think it would have given us more insight into David as to why this interdimensional entity has cursed him.  What has he done to deserve this nightmarish fate?  

That being said, definitely one of the top entries so far.

  
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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 3:49pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin


I took the fantasy as being in his mind. Obviously he couldn't literally cut his own eyes out. I took it all as figurative. In his mind he is cutting off his own tongue etc, in a see no evil kinda way, then wears the glasses and even believes he has hollow pits for eyes. The reality is he has eyes, tongue etc, but each Halloween he reverts back to type with a fantasy in his mind about his parts being returned.


But if he has eyes, tongue, etc., why would he need a live in nurse?
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Dustin
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:04pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.


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Ryan1
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 4:55pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.


The first line of the script clearly states "DAVID (60s), blind and deaf"  And that's exactly what the writer meant.  If it was a man who simply believed he was blind and deaf, he'd be in a mental institution.  I seriously doubt any nursing service would send a live in nurse to stay with some guy who didn't need it.  The whole point of this script is that the guy is caught in this never ending cycle of murder and self mutilation.
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Dreamscale
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dustin
Because he believes he doesn't have them and needs a home help nurse.


Totally incorrect assumption, Dumsh..I mean Dustin.  Way off base, bro..


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Dustin
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:17pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Ryan1


The first line of the script clearly states "DAVID (60s), blind and deaf"  And that's exactly what the writer meant.  If it was a man who simply believed he was blind and deaf, he'd be in a mental institution.  I seriously doubt any nursing service would send a live in nurse to stay with some guy who didn't need it.  The whole point of this script is that the guy is caught in this never ending cycle of murder and self mutilation.


The story makes perfect sense to me if he isn't actually blind, deaf and dumb at all and the fantasy is all in his mind. Yes, I agree he is caught in a never ending cycle of murder then self mutilation... that still works if he's imagining it. The nurse thing... my mate's wife used to run a business where she sent girls and the occasional guy out to stay at disabled people's homes. Private company. They'd accept money from anyone that could afford it and send out the poorly trained staff.

We'll just have to agree to disagree. It'll be interesting to see what the writer says at the end. If I'm wrong, I'm wrong.


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Dustin
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:19pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Quoted from Dreamscale


Totally incorrect assumption, Dumsh..I mean Dustin.  Way off base, bro..


Is this yours? How could you know otherwise? This can't be yours, it's written too well. Unless you've been taking some hard lessons from Ledbetter? Always a possibility I suppose.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 26th, 2014, 5:53pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Quoted from Dustin
Is this yours? How could you know otherwise? This can't be yours, it's written too well. Unless you've been taking some hard lessons from Ledbetter? Always a possibility I suppose.




Yeah...sure, bro.  You're the master here, huh?  Tell us and enlighten us all.  Please...



To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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