I would want to sympathise with Berith but she seems deranged to me. She wants her child for no reason. For the child she's even ready to kill. And she did.
She waited for the child for many many years.
Something happened there in the middle - she was doing stuff to get him back - I think the story stalled there and could move faster.
The shaman seems like added no value as he was gone at the beginning of the story. I know he gave her a clue how to get the child back but the rape episode didn't pay off.
Berith is an evil one in the end for killing someone.
The ending is good - I thouroughly enjoyed the ending.

Overall, it would work for me if you cut a lot in the middle.

The opening scene is quite dark and lucid. An elderly midwife delivers a stillborn child unto an unwed mother (unless she is widowed, but there's no indication of this) hence her being ostracized from the village. The truth about a newborn into the world, however, always has a bitter reality of the parent becoming attached to that particular child, only after they come to nurture the infant.

I get the sense however, that this may not be the first child Berith has lost, and her smelling the jumper as if it's been used... it may very well have been, to a previously deceased child. This definitely would be the prime catalyst to explain away her behaviour of seeking the child from beyond, regardless of price; the fact that she can't imagine reliving the torment that follows.

Love the description of the Shaman, the keeper towards the portal she seeks. There was another script that uses brilliantly/multicolored aspects of the guide to donate a rainbow road effect. This works well to describe his purpose here.

The rape scene seems very out of place for a Magic Man if you will. Shamans dig their Amanita Muscaria (that funky red and white psychedelic mushroom) from beneath the pines in the forest. Perhaps an offering of shrooms would give way to the gate keeper's secrets? Just an after thought...

The part of this that throws me is; Berith pulling her son from another dimension, a dimension where he's growing, nurtured by someone or something, and becoming what he is on the other side. Only during a sacrifice is he forced to visit this strange land, and into the arms of a strange woman. A stranger who offers blood to an earth creature in return, however, cannot reason with the false deliverance of the beast she feeds, and is eventually lost on the false promise of obtaining her son.

She has a distorted perception after awhile of what she's killing for, and most likely holds the concept of the means justify the end; a dangerous ideology that allows people to feel no remorse for their actions. Berith in the end is no more than a twisted sociopath that must pay for her actions, and she does... with her life.

This was a nicely woven story, worked well for me.

Code She lies naked, face down, tied to all four corners of her bed as the Shaman rapes her from behind.

Anal or doggy? If only you'd specified. Now I'm imagining both. Maybe he's really a lesbian and is wearing one of those double dildo strap-on things?

Code His sweat trickles down her back.

His sweat?

Right. OK. She actually said she would do anything, so why did he have to rape her?



It got interesting. I'd actually give this one a consider. With some work it could make for a creepy little film.

Whoa! Was really into this until the rape. Why is she bound, if she (apparently) agreed to this? He just into it? And would it be rape? She agreed to it right? Consent?

Blonde hair? With the names, and shaman I was figuring indigenous.

I'm confused by her digging up a recent grave -- if all she needs is bodies, why not get them all from the grave?

And killing came pretty easy to her - perhaps hesitation at first, then with ease later on?

p8 - "age catching up" -- but she had no problem killing 9 people and digging up a body? I would be tired after that too, aged or not.

"Berith studies the piles of bodies, young and old. Shows no
emotion. She wipes her brow, smears blood across her face." - I don't think you need this - we get that she doesn't care about the people, and you've already mentioned the blood.

I'm confused by the boy's confusion -- so he couldn't see her every year and wasn't aware of her?

The kid going back to the jumper was weird to me for some reason -- I know what you are saying, but I guess I don't buy that he has made a connection with her?

And does he have to be 20? Seems kind of old, might work better if he was still a kid.

Overall, this was great. Writing was vivid, and story was compelling.

The Price

Hello,

I was intrigued till the plot went wild - the rape. I think we have to accept your story's way at this moment. There might have happened things OFF SCREEN. A similar point happens with the man's instructions which make her drop dead bodies into a circle. It's not so 100 % fine that way for me.

Okay, the story has truly a nice atmosphere and there were details I enjoyed; such as the town's citizens treating Bereth like an outcast- even on the cemetery she's not a part of the community.

I don't like the last CRY of her that sounds through the forest. I think you go over the top because we already understand things are not working well for Bereth all over the script.

A point I like to mention too is that I don't like your scene transitions. I'm a newish friend of writing some fluent cuts which fasten the read. But if you do it all the time, that's too fast, restless. Films need a majority of hard cuts. It works scene by scene. I really enjoy reading some cross-fades, or fast dissolves, especially when they guide through mini slugs, but to emphasize every knock on the door into the next scene doesn't work for me. It's unbalanced.

I spend some lines on this because that was a very negative point to me.

I asked myself why you didn't show the stillborn baby more detailed. To see new life dead, not breathing, not living, that's frightened as hell to me. That's hard core horror and you missed that opportunity.

Nevertheless, your script's world was fine; I enjoyed the tone and the story pretty well.

This type of story is what I had in my head when I came up with the theme.  Vaguely celtic. I am pleased that at the seventh script received, this is the first one where the writer picked up on what I thought was a direct reference to Samhain.  I really like the variety of scripts received.

SPOILERS

I thought it was cool that BERITH was, as a matter of course, living in her own Otherworld as shown by her being an outcast.  

Questions: Why was BERITH outcast. I needed BERITH to have a little more motivation to see her dead son other than she was lonely.

In short a decent story.  Very sad.

Nice job building sympathy on page one. Not just with the loss, but with the loneliness. Though in the end I agree with the other commenters, it could only help to strengthen her motivations.

On page 2, I think you should replace, “I need to see him.” with “I need him back” At first I thought she was just having trouble getting to the gravesite. It might also help if the Shaman actually does something supernatural (like resurrecting a squirrel), or else it’s tough for me to buy what happens next.

So I guess she really is only seeing him. I still wonder why she didn’t ask for him back instead, but I know nothing of the magic going on here. Perhaps she could ask for him back and the Shaman could negotiate her down to ‘seeing him’. Or maybe it just turns out that way cause the Shaman’s a prick.

Once I got over those initial hiccups, this is quite good. One of the better ones. It’s a very complete story. Maybe takes a little long to get to the meat of it, but once it did I was absorbed. Nice work.

Wow - I really like this one!  One of a handful that I've read thus far that really follows the criteria.  Plus, solid writing and story.  Very, very nicely done.  I have a teeny tiny suspicion who may have written this one.  Though I could be far off base....

SPOILERS

This seems like the storyline of an opera, it could be exquisitely beautiful and tragic.

I did find it slow reading in spite of the high drama -- the years passing with the same horrific desperate acts by the mother were dreary to read (on screen it would not be so).

Then, things like the bone fingers pointing seemed almost funny, can't quite explain it but B.  asking a question and the hand responding had a sort of comic timing to it.  

Filmed, this could achieve the tragedy that I imagine is intended.  I don't doubt that.

Writing's good, but I personally don't like the style on display here - the omitted subjects, the short choppy bits and pieces.  It's a personal choice, though, as I can tell you know what you're doing and it shows.

Page 3 and still here, and actually wondering where we're going to go here - which is a good thing and a compliment.

Wow...this Shaman Dude and his evil grin are "raping" poor Berith?  Probably the wrong choice of words.  Also, if you're going to show this, you might as well linger on it a bit longer, as apposed to showing evil Shaman getting dressed, which i doubt anyone wants to see.

Hmm, now he spits at her?  This guy is a real prick!

Oh boy, now we have the "we" stuff going on.  Really?  Always irks me as it's so unnecessary and reads so poorly.  Oh fuck it, I'll stay in and keep going, though.

I also need to point out your scene transitions, which I bet some will love, while others, like myself, will detest.  Every now and then, this will work just fine, but you're going overboard playing Director and IMO, there's just no reason for it.

Page 4 - ahhh, the old "whilst", which gives your heritage away.  Not a favorite word of mine, nor one that should ever show up in a script, as far as I'm concerned.  I think you've missed a new Slug somewhere here as well, as this doesn't sound like EXT BERITH'S COTTAGE anymore.

Wow...Damn...Berith just killed an innocent dude for no reason?  WTF?

The stuff about bringing back the baby doesn't quite work as written, sorry to say.  I was hoping for alot more.

The writing is getting worse and more irritating with the constant dashes and missing words.

"SUMMON'S" - No apostraphe here.

Not a fan of the Series of Shots, sorry to say.  I understand why you chose this, but it doesn't work for me.  Feels rather anticlimatic or repetitive, both, or just rushed too quickly.

And now we have a montage?  Damn...again, I understand why you chose this, but as written, it just doesn't work, IMO.

"looses" - "loses" - it always amazes me how many peeps don't know how to spell "lose"

Ummm, not a big fan of the ending, sorry to say.  Although so much happened here, it seems like it was really all for naught, with literally no one to cheer for.

Good story and very well written.

Really enjoyed this. Would make a really nice short. Could even be fleshed out for a feature. Really, well done.

The rape scene was a little odd. Seems to me at least that Berith agreed to have sex with the Shaman to get her son back. Maybe that's not how it's intended but I just felt the word "rape" was a bit unnecessary.

Great work though. Definitely one of my favourites..

Writing’s effective, short and to the point.  Nice use of visuals in the cemetery to connect us to Berith.  Given the parameters this is one of few stories where the writer managed to convey a sense of depth to their main character.  Berith’s actions carried that much more weight as we know she’s motivated by her loss.

‘They stop. A boney finger points.’  Thought the boney finger gestures came across as oddly comic moment given the dark tone.  The use of ‘OK’ in the dialogue felt out of place given the period, but it’s a small issue.

Thought it would have been better to have Berith’s son remain in the real world following her death -- a final touch of irony.

One of the darker and more well rounded entries -- haunting with moments of brutality.   Good stuff.  Pity it’d be a budget breaker.

#3 story I enjoyed the most.  

28.  The Price by Chocolate Kahuna - A desperate woman struggles with the high price of the one thing she wants most - her dead son brought to life.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘The Price’ I’m expecting something a little ahem… self important bordering on sophomoric. Hope it doesn’t disappoint.
Excellent opening scenes. All dismal and dark, as are the following scenes of sorrow.
Naughty Shaman.
I like the audio transitions between scenes, FWIW.
Berith’s one desperate ol’ bitch baiting and murdering that do-gooder.
Nice skeleton hands. Corny pointing to the side. Sorry.
Pulling the do-gooder’s corpse into the ground looks great!
Man! Whatta rip-off! A life traded for a apparition wisp. Pfft. Gyp.
Very nice series of shots. I like that a lot.
Nice price. Good. Good…
Nice montage. Tim Burton would have fun with this!
Excellent stone ring turned teeth in a mouth! Cool image.
And… all for naught! Fantastic!
One of the best entries! Thank you very much. I enjoyed it.
With some effort you should be able to build an entire feature around this.
Very nice. Good job.

Suggested construct alternatives:
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Hi Folks

Thanks for the reads. I'm just glad i got an entry...you know what i mean  

I really struggled with this challenge until it dawned on me that a two way portal could be like a deal with the devil, a faustian pact, so to speak.

Berith - was a name that came up when i googled Fallen Angel. Apparently its a demon in various religions.

I liked the idea of a vulnerable person becoming a demon. We are then left with the question are they evil, or were they made evil? Do we sympathise?

Rape - good call folks. It wasn't, it was consensual. But in my rush i wanted to convey a deal of violation. This was to show the sacrifice she would make in order to see her son, which...

...justified what she did next. IE this character would do anything, including kill. She had nothing to lose.

Outsider - why was she? Well, it was a quick way to convey a desperate character who would have such a burning desire for her child. No one to help, or sympathise. Alone.

My OWC flaw - - i have one - possibly more - every OWC. This one was too many transitions. Got carried away. Thats what a couple of days does to writing.

Shaman - I think Rick pointed out that this may not comply with history. Most likely. I was desperate for a name, an emblem, but good call. i always like to tighten the script after the event. Now what do I call help...wizard, traveller...humm...how about Shaman  

Budget - Yeah, this has a silly one, but may be i could trim some stuff. Not a cheapo though.

Ending - what i aspired to do was leave an emotional connudrum.  I feel that is what the concept of fallen angels often through up.

She killed, but was abused. She wanted to see her son, but he didn't really want to see her. Had she failed? Well, yes...but...the complication. In many ways she just wanted recognition, to be known. As the son steps away from the reality she presented, having just killed her, he realises something. His jumping out of the wisp, grabbing the jumper, was meant to show a final recognition of her, her life.

That after all is said and done...she did leave her son with something. A memory of her goodwill...the jumper.... which he took with him. We all die. What will we take with us?

A sense of childhood acceptance. Whatever you have done, you're still my mother.


Thanks all.

One nutso woman. Gutwrenching and horrible... (A great thing!)
Riveting story, beginning to end.