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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels - OWC
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  Author    Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels - OWC  (currently 8578 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels by ? - Short, Horror - Some holidays are more difficult than others - especially when taking a trip with Mr. Nasty (R ) - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  October 29th, 2014, 9:17pm
typo in title.  My bad.
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irish eyes
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 8:51pm Report to Moderator
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This is my favorite so far... it just so happens to be the only one I've read

As I haven't entered myself, I'm trying to stay up with the parameters for this OWC.  I guess you covered the single dialogue as you used the answering machine in the action.

I thought your story was based around a heroin addict or pill popper "Grace" and she was going cold turkey... kind of Mark Renton " Trainspotting" style, who lost it after her marriage fell apart..

Mr Nasty it seems is from the underworld jumping from balcony to balcony to tempt the depressed

It is very well written, plent of horror,  storywise is pretty good and fast paced.

good job

Mark


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DarrenJamesSeeley
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 9:04pm Report to Moderator
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I would have liked the script start out in the LOUNGEROOM and we could see Grace through the sliding door on the balcony or something like that. Why? Because you started with an EXT and went INT without the change. When we go LATER I had no idea where the character was. And how much later for that matter. In addition, there's no real reason for her to be out here in the first place. Here's something for you lose that, and combine the LATEr and the LOUNGEROOM, Grace pacing. Did you really lose anything?


Quoted Text
Turns the TV on, flips through channels. Ads for Halloween -
pumpkins, witches, ghouls, and a marathon horror feature -
trailers of ‘Frankenstein And The Wolfman’‘Texas Chainsaw Massacre’,‘The Exorcist’.


Turns the TV on, flips through channels. Ads for Halloween. <---all you need. Just yesterday I mentioned this as a problem with my spec  horror  writer scribes, where they feel compelled to stop the script and go "Gore Geek" by namedropping horror films and/or icons. I'm a gore Geek too- and it bores the Boogens outta me. Here it is also oversecription.


Quoted Text
Hi, SARAH and AIDEN can’t come to the phone right now, please
leave a message at the beep ... BEEP...


In a rewrite, I'm sure you'll have AIDEN speaking here, it is a recorded message. The message itself doesn't sound annoying, but it is written incorrectly. It should be written like dialog. But, you say, the OWC said only one character can have dialog. That's right. So doing it this way is not only awkward, it also vetos a requested restriction. No candy caramel apples for you.,    (again, don't sweat it--you can fix it up later)


Quoted Text
Grace upturns a shopping bag and bottles of pills tumble out
onto the bench - a veritable cocktail for the ailing and
miserable -Zoloft, Abilify. Xyprexa, Valium and Zanax.
She stacks them neatly alongside bottles of liquor and a
carton of cigarettes.


I stand corrected. There's plenty of candy caramel apples to go around...
But let's try that again...

Grace upturns a shopping bag and bottles of pills tumble out
onto the bench - a veritable cocktail for the ailing and
miserable -Zoloft, Abilify. Xyprexa, Valium and Zanax.

She stacks them neatly alongside bottles of liquor and a
carton of cigarettes.


I can see the director now, doing a quick shot of every med bottle on the bench that rolls and stops just perfectly for the camera so we can see what she's on. All you need to show us was the pills, cigs and the whiskey. .


Quoted Text
GRACE
Sorry, no candy from me, guys.


  

Love that line for obvious reasons. Keep it at all costs.


Quoted Text
Night's fallen
EXT. BALCONY - NIGHT
will take care of that. Also, the KITCHEN is an INTERIOR.
No reason againfor the balcony, but at least Grace watches the full moon, so I guess it's something. Well, not really. There's a BIG continuity error here. The KITCHEN is supposed to be "CONTINOUS" which means it happens a second or two after the previos scene. Grace is waiting for the meal to heat up. Why then, after letting the food heat up does she 'sapes the remains' into the garbage disposal? It isn't CONTINOUS.

Pop                Pop                  Pop

and I'm out.

-DjS







"I know you want to work for Mo Fuzz. And Mo Fuzz wants you to. But first, I'm going to need to you do something for me... on spec." - Mo Fuzz, Tapeheads, 1988
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c m hall
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Very well written, the action unfolds quickly and keeps going.  

IMHO, except for the dancing angels there's not much visually that's new, even an unwelcome guest loutishly sporting underwear on his head isn't new... my first thought is that the natural home for this tale is a short story, almost exactly as you have written it.  I think, as written, you get every bit of emotion you can out of the events.  Filmed it might be just another detox gone bad.  

The dancing angels, marvels that they are  (even in print form they are very nearly audible and tangible) -- could be stars on the silver screen... whereas Grace is not so memorable.  Unless she gets more dialogue, and maybe a dance sequence and wings.  Nah, save time, just get this published as a short story.  Excellent work.

Revision History (1 edits)
c m hall  -  October 29th, 2014, 10:17am
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Dustin
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 2:17am Report to Moderator
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Action speaks louder...

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Code

The pills appear to have doubled in size and they’ve acquired
angel wings, smiley faces, and halos.


I'm honestly not surprised with the amount of meds she's on.

Code

When you go out to the woods today, you’re sure of a big
surprise, If you go out in the woods today, you’d better go
in disguise...

A melody of falsetto singing voices accompanies their dance:


That's dialogue. Other characters singing is dialogue. It's even fairly expositional.

Code

Suddenly all of the pills, as if pulled by a magnetic force,
are sucked into the sink. They rattle and ricochet around the
steel bowl then disappear into the chute.

GRACE
Nooooo!


This almost had me snorting coffee. Typical junkie response. I'm not sure this is supposed to be funny?

Code

Grace gasps, retracts her head.

GRACE
What the...?


Grace, you're on drugs. Go take a lie down and it'll all be back to normal in the morning.

Code

Pill-sludge covers the skin up to her elbow.


Lick it off, Grace!

Code

She scrapes the dregs back into one of the bottles.

Puts her hand back in, desperate to salvage more...


Close enough.

I can't do anymore of this. It's basically a junkie's bad trip and it's not even that bad with dancing pills. That's what most junkies would call a good trip.


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Stumpzian
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 7:36am Report to Moderator
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Ahhh...thank you, writer: A script I read twice because I wanted to, just for the pleasure of it.

Accomplished, literate, funny.

Whatever dust mites others may find, the endearing Mr. Nasty blinds me to them.



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Gum
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 10:30am Report to Moderator
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Oh man, this was a trippy ride!

Glad to see someone dug into the ideology of ‘IT’ (Joker, Imp, Little Horn, and now… Mr. Nasty), the relentless trickster that moves in and about society, unhinged, unnoticed, yet responsible for oh so many aspects of the absurd suffering. Somehow… I think this domain belongs to Mr. Nasty, how else can one explain away most of what doesn't make sense. Well... in this case it's narcotics.


Heard about IT riding through society on the back of a pale Darkling Thrush, apparently It just needed to be dismounted and put in its place, that’s all. It won’t remain long in its confinement however, It never does. Actually, I think It revels in being confined but for a moment to bask in the shadows. Oxymoronic, yes, but so is It.

The final reveal that, this clinical, minimalistic environment was Grace’s illusion is awesome; I did not see that coming!

Anyways, apparently Mr. Nasty found a way out of the dumpster… clever little bugger, where will It go next?

A fun and clever script, I loved the psychosis involved…
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 9:26pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Opening visuals gave me a hardon. Like the 'dark' to 'light' change to the loungeroom.

I liked this.  More of a morality tale set during Halloween.  Still, a solid basic horror story.  I liked the ending with Mr. Nasty popping up again to torment another soul.

- Don






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marnieml
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 8:57pm Report to Moderator
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Whoa. That was quite a trip. I liked the first two pages a lot. The way you set up Grace and her surroundings. The rest was good, just real trippy.

I really liked some of the visuals and think a director would have a blast with this.

Nice work here! I really liked it.


  
“If someone is trying to bring you down, it just means you are above them."
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pale yellow
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 9:43pm Report to Moderator
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Catchy title like the logline...

Wow what a creepy little trip of a story. I enjoyed reading this!I think the descriptions were very visual ...can tell this is the work of a seasoned writer in here.

Very very good work...can't really think of anything that would have made this better to be honest. Good stuff!


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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 10:27pm Report to Moderator
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I've got a few more reads left, so I can say that this is a lock for my favorite. Right up my alley. Writing is awesome, great showmanship of the craft, can't wait to see who wrote it. There are a few areas to improve, yet the genius lunacy of the author's vision cannot be denied. This was impressive.

I will say this feels more feature bound, it aligns itself with Kauffman-type material. Excellent work!
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 4:50am Report to Moderator
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Title - wacky one, quite like it. Doesn't smack normal horror, to me, but let's see...


Not sure I needed all the drug names, only one is known to me....my special friend...ahem...

Isn't the singing communication, etc

Would you really lurch after a green monster with veins and dangling eyes? I wouldn't....well not anymore

Halloween is a tad weak, and the portal or other world opening so inhabitants can both ways is also missing, within reason.

But...I like the drug angle. The demon, the monster etc is not a devil but related to the drugs.

The husband part, I suppose gives clarity in how she's feeling, but for most of the scene doesn't seem to be relevant.

What to make of Mr Nasty. First off the name. Yeah, I could go with that even though it belittles the creature, but it conveys a mocking which feels right. The fact that you try and destroy him but he retruns, a parallel with drug addiction. Like that.

If I were writing this I would take more of a parallel with the drug addiction phases. Start with Denial, the. The ability to control, make it a friend that doesn't work out etc

I think this has decent potential.


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khamanna
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 6:56am Report to Moderator
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The title is Mr. Nasty but the guy appears as late as on p8. I don't know...

So, the story is about drug abuse - Gracie must overcome her urge I guess. I thought it was about Gracie and her pills - thought she had a mental illness of some kind. Then it switched direction for me - you mention Aiden, they were married apparently and Aiden left her.
Then it started being about drug abuse. Mr. Nasty wants to inject himself...

A lot of direction switching.

I liked the dancing pills. But they appear only once - I say either make it a musical with stuff dancing - go Full Monty, or drop the dancing pills altogether.

Not something for me
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Dustin
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 7:34am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Don

Opening visuals gave me a hardon.


Who needs porn when you have dancing pills?


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Kyle
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 2:17pm Report to Moderator
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Very unique. The story seemed to move at a fast pace but felt like it took forever to get through. But that's probably due to lack of sleep and not the writers fault.

I liked a lot of the elements here. The little monster dude jacking up and dancing pills were definitely the highlights for me.
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