OK, interesting title...

She doesn't try to clean the carpet? Lazy? Doesn't care?

What's the time on the clock? Why not specify = has to be *some* time, right?

Isn't the answering machine dialog?

Aiden by her side. -- shouldn't that be AIDEN, with a description?

"The microwave oven pings." -- didn't she put her food in like 15 minutes ago?

"A melody of falsetto singing voices accompanies their dance" - ok that's definitely dialog.

So writing is good, but I'm tiring of Mr. Nasty. Without context, or any new developments, it's just a chase.

I was expecting some twist at the end, but if Mr. Nasty is real, after she died, I don't get it. She imagined her nice apartment?

Overall, I enjoyed it, needs some clarification though.

A unique take on the challenge -- by no means a bad thing.  I think this lent more towards the fantasy than the horror, though the waste disposal was memorable.  I don’t know where the portal came into it.  Implied by the sunset perhaps, but barely.  Singing pills?  Isn’t that dialogue?

Couldn’t quite reconcile the discovery of Grace’s body with what had come before.  It seemed like she had beaten Mr. Nasty -- which I assumed was a metaphor for her addiction?  Confidently written, I just wish I could have come away from this with a better understanding of how Grace met her death.  Feel like I missed something.  

22.  Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels by ? - Some holidays are more difficult than others - especially when taking a trip with Mr. Nasty.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Mr. Nasty And The Dancing Angels’ I’m expecting something whimsical that something filmed in stop motion animation or some Cirque du Soleil-esque performance would optimize its presentation.
Fair enough beginning, but no stop motion animation nor Cirque to be found. Waaahh… !
Takes a tedious bit to get to the entertaining angel-winged pills scene - which is nice, BTW. The flying pills that is, not the tedious set-up to get there.
Pretty creepy & threatening pill hallucinaion scene at the garbage disposal. Nice.
Nice amputation.
Nice intro of Mr. Nasty, although slightly underwhelming.
Nice enough battle.
Ah… all the glamorous life within the mind of a chemical abuser. Nice.
Good story. Thank you.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Execution of this brought to film would be critical. The real world elements are harsh and practical, while the obviously disturbing parts have a strong element of whimsy to them. Getting the two to geehaw together without causing derisive incongruity will be a trick. Honestly, there’s not much need to muddle with the fundamental story here.

A belated thanks to those who reviewed Mr Nasty.

He was inspired in part by these guys but he is one of a kind - true evil but with a sense of humour/mischievousness - hence the main character's g-string/thong wrapped around his head in one scene.







Though I acknowledge a few changes could be made, I was really pleased with the overwhelmingly (for the most part  ) positive reviews Mr Nasty received. Thanks to those who read and reviewed and for your suggestions.

A very enjoyable OWC.

Surprised I didn't like this one. I liked one of your shorts before that wasn't my genre. Horror is one of my genres. Hmmm. Sorry, mate.

Quoted from DustinBowcot Surprised I didn't like this one. I liked one of your shorts before that wasn't my genre. Horror is one of my genres. Hmmm. Sorry, mate.

No problem, Dustin. Tis the nature of what we do that we're not going to please all of the people all of the time.

Libby!

I figured out this was for an OWC on the first page.  The title page, that is.  (The no-name author gave that away.)

That being said, I decided not to go back and see what the challenge was to see if I could figure it out in your story.  I couldn't, (definitely couldn't), which I think is a very good thing.  Too often writers get caught up in the parameters of the challenge and they go out of their way to make sure it fits perfectly, which results in an often boring, tedious, and predictable story.

I think you know that I'd love the first five pages.  You were able to create heavy drama and great images by using only one person in a room to convey the story across.  Just the type of story I love.

And I think you know that I'd love the immediate gore that ensued, (her hand caught in the garbage disposal.)  And I did.  You were very descriptive in those parts, and great nauseating descriptions make for great horror.

One thing I didn't like about the story though were the fantasy aspects of it, like the singing pills and really even Mr. Nasty himself I didn't care for.  But that's just me.  :-)  I'm not a very whimsical-type person, so I sort of just shrugged the pills aside inside my mind when they started singing.  I know others are and I'm glad to see they enjoyed it, because even the fantasy-aspect of the script is extremely well written and described.

As for Mr. Nasty himself, I'm kind of angry with you right now because you missed an excellent chance for an extraordinary image.  Here you have a fantasy story and a figure with transparent skin shooting up heroin.  How could you not show the heroin going through his veins, maybe even turning it different colors or even start to bubble as the heroin travels through him?

But mainly what I didn't like about the aspects of Mr. Nasty and the Dancing Pill Angels was that they were just a little too cartoonish for my tastes, especially with the panties on his head and all.  But like I said there are others who love those images.

And definitely don't let it negate the fact that I did enjoy the rest of the story, especially the writing.  You painted a clear picture the whole way through, which shows you put a lot of thought and hard work into the story.  Excellent job as always!

- Mark

Thanks for giving this a critique, Mark - much appreciated.

The fantasy element was a prerequisite for this challenge along with horror so something of a fantastical nature was called for. Some people liked it and some didn't. I actually think Rick's idea re the dispensing (excuse the pun)of the dancing pills/angels is a good one - for them actually coming to life, I mean - that said I hold firm to the idea in general cause it's how I pictured it in my head. I think on film the gritty realism thrown together with animation would mesh quite well. I'd really love to see someone who knew what they were doing (animation wise) tackle it. If you think of one of those awful pharma ads with the dancing capsules with smiley faces singing with falsetto voices that was my inspiration.

It's meant to be surreal and meant also to reflect her unstable condition - it may/may not be a product of her psychosis or drug taking or both and there's a supernatural element as well.

As for you not being fond of Mr Nasty - that's the idea I suppose. He's not a likeable character - a kind of sheep in wolf's clothing/evil menace disguised in a comical fashion so I'm glad you weren't overenamoured. The g-string on his head, the cartoonish element is exactly what I was going for so in a way I appreciate your antipathy for him.

You're right of course re the minimal description following Mr Nasty's injection of heroin but I'll put that down to trying to cram it all in with the restriction of page count.

Thanks for giving this a read Mark and thank you for the complimentary remarks regarding the writing.  Some things obviously worked for you and I'm chuffed you liked the quiet opening and the nausea inducing gore.  

Trippy! I like trippy. And creepy. Pretty straightforward tale about a woman struggling with her sanity. Seems like you achieved exactly what you set out to do, so kudos on that.

Just one suggestion. During the intro she's kind of "bored" with nothing important to do. She's just hanging and the point of the early scenes is to have creepy stuff happen to slowly set up the craziness that's coming soon. That's cool. But I would have liked the story better if she had an initial goal, even something simple like cleaning her apartment, or making dinner or looking for her lost pills or whatever, so the supernatural/creepy occurrences start interfering with that particular task she wants to accomplish. So then you have a throughline; instead of just hanging around, she's trying to accomplish that task which keeps getting more and more difficult as weirder and weirder shit starts to happen. IMHO, that would have given the story a bit more of initial direction.

Anyway, good job. Hope you find this useful.

Hi LC

I read this on the bus going home - let alone the noisy bus, your story took me on quite a journey.   This sort of story is not my usual genre of reading, but I enjoyed it because it picked up quickly and gathered a nice pace right till the end.

I also liked that, unless I missed something, it was not intentionally clear if it was meant to happen (i.e. as a horror story) or Grace was just spinning out in her own head. Very descriptive and visual. The only thing I would've liked was, somewhere, a little more dialogue. But I think the story would work well being shot for TV or a short film.

Julian

Julian, thanks so much for the read and review and I'm glad I could assist with your bus journey home - if anyone was reading over your shoulder they might have thought your reading material a little suss, perhaps.  

Re your comment on dialogue and you wanting more - this was an OWC (one week challenge) and one of the restrictions was with dialogue of one character only. And you're pretty spot on with your theory of what's happening i.e., is it in her head, or is it real? Thanks again for your comments. I hope we see something else from you soon.

.....................
Ooh, and Mr Z, thank you for your comments too. Must have slipped by me. 'Trippy' was indeed the objective with this so I'm glad it had the desired effect. You offer some good suggestions regarding ramping up the creep factor too  - it could probably do with a few more visual and audio scares in the opening, but I didn't want to go over the top.

[quote=LC]Julian, thanks so much for the read and review and I'm glad I could assist with your bus journey home - if anyone was reading over your shoulder they might have thought your reading material a little suss, perhaps.  

Re your comment on dialogue and you wanting more - this was an OWC (one week challenge) and one of the restrictions was with dialogue of one character only. And you're pretty spot on with your theory of what's happening i.e., is it in her head, or is it real? Thanks again for your comments. I hope we see something else from you soon. [quote]

No worries. Usually I'm discreet if in public with someone else's work! Just from a copyright aspect   Look forward to checking out some more of your work, too. And I'm hoping to re-post my 'I can see a hair' after I edit it. Happy writing.

Julian