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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October 2014 One Week Challenge  ›  Shout at the Devil - OWC
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  Author    Shout at the Devil - OWC  (currently 4715 views)
Don
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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Shout at the Devil by Logan Tyler - Short, Horror - On Halloween, 2014, the gates of Hell will open, and only the chosen one can hope to close them. (NC 17) - pdf, format


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Ryan1
Posted: October 28th, 2014, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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Okay, not sure what to make of this one.  First off, good idea for the main setting, a commercial haunted house.  Was waiting for one of those to pop up in the challenge.  I do think, however, that having deaf characters was an easy way out in this owc.  Pretty much solves the whole one character dialogue without any real effort.

As for the story, some strange choices were made.  The opening quote was completely unnecessary.  And frankly, you didn't need that entire opening shot with the factory.  It would have been more mysterious if we, the readers, encountered the factory at the same time as the kids.  As far as Jose and Maria, I don't know why they were even in the story or what they contributed.

I do have to hand it to the writer, though, this script took the gore to the next level.  Children being dismembered, Satanic creatures with mega-schlongs...yeah this script went there.

I don't think any parent or guardian would actually let small children wander through a dilapidated factory by themselves.

So, what was happening on page 8?  Maria looks down from above?   But she's at the house getting plowed by Jose.  How did she get there?  Unless the writer accidentally confused the names and meant to write one of the little girls' names there.

Ending made no sense, but that kind of fits with the rest of the script.  It felt disjointed and scattered, like some decent scenes in search of a better story.
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DarrenJamesSeeley
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Srarting off with a classic Motley Crue quote! This script better bring the shit now...

...and you do.
Extra kudos for being graphic enough but not overdoing it.
Going off a checklist

Halloween? Check.
Horror. Double Check.
One character speaks. Triple check.
Portal/another dimension- Full house.

Requirements met.
Writing is exceptional. Nothing sticks out as bad. I don't think I have seen an actual "haunted house" in the OWC, although one or two came close. But this comes right out and brings the shit.

Don was not kidding. This is by far the best OWC in terms of quality. This is one of those such entries. On a short list of favs for sure.
You get a cat for this one.


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rendevous
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 2:16am Report to Moderator
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Hopefully not based on the Motley Crue song. Or maybe that would be good. On second thoughts, no.

Oooh, after reading the start I feel the Crue are about. I can smell the sweat and dripping eye liner.

This was a bit dull. I felt myself nodding off halfway through. The solo dialogue felt forced. I wasn't buying any of it. Enough said.

R


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Dustin
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 2:44am Report to Moderator
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Code

An unearthly SHRIEK from inside, followed immediately by a
thick guttural GROWL, so loud, it literally drowns out all
other sound.


I'd drop 'immediately' from this block as it spoils the flow. I'd also drop 'literally'. In fact, you need to rewrite the whole block.

You've got flow... perhaps you just need to edit this to make sure every action block flows, but I like the way you write.

Code

Freezer bags of tamales line the counter. A huge pot of
beans simmers on the stove. A half full 1.75 liter bottle
of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil, next to a full sink of
dirty dishes and pots and pans.


Nice action block, until one too many 'and' in the final sentence. Take out the first 'and' in the last sentence, replace it with a comma.... perfection.

Hating the dialogue at the moment. Does he really need to explain where he's going... can't they just go? I don't like to know what's going to happen before we get there. Surprise me.

Code

Twelve feet tall, bulbous head, unholy maw, two foot flaccid
penis jutting out.


Now that's how it is done.

Story-wise this needs work. Not sure about all the stuff with grandpa at the beginning. You might as well start with them arriving at the party. Build it from there. Too many pages, too much going on... not for me right now but could be worth working on if prepared to edit drastically.


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Stumpzian
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 10:05am Report to Moderator
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You lost me at the end. Pretty good set-up, I had a feel for the characters, then...what?...the mother shows up and Clavo saves her? Or rescues her from her husband, whose idea of smooth seduction is to point at his crotch? Did some kind of spirtual thing happen?



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PrussianMosby
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 12:20pm Report to Moderator
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Shout at the Devil

Hello,

I think you spend too much lines for Clavo's dialogue toward Jose.

The visuals are good.

"Selena"    ---  Who's that?

I don't know how it's meant to be in the end. A guess: Angelika and Julia are dead now, right? Maria and Clavo had a plan to get rid of these girls, because both girls originated from a rape by Jose; and so their mother, Maria, hasn't accepted them? This would be an explanation why Maria and Clavo are happy in the end? Why do they have a halo? Is it metaphorical and of course critical meant with regards to belief and religion. So, Clavo was the only "true" son of Maria - they get a halo for destroying the shame(the girls) Jose brought to life by raping Maria.

If it's such a metaphorical language here, it has to be clearer IMO.

Jose and Maria like Joseph and Mary. Maybe I'm not that wrong with all points.

Crazy shit. Not meant negative. But it's crazy.


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c m hall
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 4:46pm Report to Moderator
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An old fashioned campfire horror story where no noun gets away without an adjective.

Plenty of creepiness and horror as well.  

SPOILERS

Most of the adults drink the 'shine / Kool-Aid.

Some clever camera angles will have to be used to show the characters are signing without showing what they are saying, but I'm sure that can be done.

Anyway, I'm glad Maria got away from the ceiling, that was good.  
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Don
Posted: October 29th, 2014, 9:15pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

Crazy awesome visuals.

nitpicky: Wind whips *wet piece of paper, wind whips *wet leaves. Took me out of the story trying to figure the logic of wet leaves and paper flying around.

nitpicky: Sauza tequila?  No, Sauza Tequila Gold!  

Dialogue: clever how handled.  Would have to recruit the cast from Gallaudet.

Personal thing.  I didn't like the kids getting hurt.  If you had raised the age of the children and made them "bad kids" It would have been more palitable for me.

Jesus Ninja Death Star!  I love it.

I didn't get what was going on with Jose and Maria.  Jose beats Maria?  Jose can't get it up?  

Awesome first draft.  Great ideas.  It needs to be worked a little more to flesh out the story.  Inthis trope, if bad things happen to kids who are essentially 'good', then something bad has to happen to the bad guy.  



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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: October 30th, 2014, 5:26pm Report to Moderator
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*spoilers*

Ninja death star. 'Twas Jesus.
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Blakkwolfe
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Really good start up with the exploding warehouse and the paper splatting on the dirty window); got a bit lost with Maria and Jose in the bedroom (he throws her down on the bed, despite apparently having some ED issues), then Maria showing up at the fear factory (I thought it was only the kids who went in)...until she drops in from the sky on the killing grounds to save Clavo...Liked it over all, though.


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EWall433
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I loved the idea of a killer funhouse. And the parents waiting out back in a daze was creepy. But ultimately I wanted more explanation. I never understood anything deeper than my initial grasp of the concept. It never came together.

Julia turns into Maria at the end, but the way it’s handled really makes me think it’s a typo. And what was up with Jose and Maria? Maybe you wanted to go somewhere with it, but since it never got there all you’ve got is a really superfluous rape scene.

I’m guessing this was rushed at the last minute. There’s a decent start to a good concept, but it finishes up without much exploration.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 3:04am Report to Moderator
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Shout...

Nice writing as we go along but the scene with the father without dialogue does struggle

Writing seems familar - May guess this one.

Not sure the mother father bit is required. I appreciate there is a hypocritical element to his belief and his actions, but the story lies eleswhere. This feels like a bolt on.

I think has the opportunity to be improved. To get the most out of this I feel the characters need fleshing out and, for me, the location would benefit from more backstory. I know some don't mind random places etc but I prefer some connection.

All the best


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 5:03pm Report to Moderator
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As I go...

Ah yes, a Motely Crue quote to start us off.

Looks like the portal has opened.

The Sauza tequila is keeping vigil?  Silent vigil?  Of course, because only 1 character can talk and I doubt the tequila is going to be that talking character.

Clavo sounds like Sheri Moon Zombie in her hubby's last terrible movie.

OK, so I like the use of the mute family, sans kid Clavo who is our voice here.

Writing is OK and I'm still in, but let's get moving...

Who is Selena?

Hmmm, looks like old Jose ain't as nice as he seems.

Page 5 - Still here.  Interesting waste of a FADE OUT and then a FADE IN - do we really need these transactions?

Damn, I knew it!  Jose is a right old bastard.  Poor Maria...

Page 6 - OK, now the horror begins, and it's pretty horrific.  Good job, I'll stay till the end.

Bulbous head and a two foot flaccid penis?  Any lesbians around?

Page 7 - feels very rushed here, but I like the visuals - actually, I want more.

How did Maria get here?  On the ceiling?  WTF?

The old ninja death star, huh?  Or is it actually a Jesus death star?

Clavo just carries his Mom away?  She must be a very small woman.

I don't quite get it.  Wait, actually, I don't get it at all.  Seems like alot of unnecessary info early on with Jose, who never shows up again, and what happened to the little Genie..and what's with black eyed Maria showing up and falling from the ceiling?  Seems like alot went missing...

I read it all, but it made no sense when all was said and done.  Wish we could have closed with another Crue quote.


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Forgive
Posted: October 31st, 2014, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Found this to be an interesting style, but I'm not sure why. Strange mix of steady writing and visuals, but neither totally did the job right:
p.2 'The rain has stopped' is a dim line as it's a tell and there should be a creative show in there. But it all feels like it's practised as well, like the author knows his way round but they're taking a new different route?

...and one google search of tamales later... (which is a " traditional Mesoamerican dish made of masa (a starchy dough, usually corn-based), which is steamed or boiled in a leaf wrapper" for those who couldn't be arsed googling).

Okay - first time I've seen deaf from any entry yet, so that's a nice angle.

p.7 '...two foot flaccid...'
should be '...two-foot flaccid...'

&

'The creature rips Angelika into pieces, picks up Julia in
its strange talon-like fingers.'
should be separate or conjoin properly.

I think you got confused with the names at the end, and the wrap is all a bit rushed TBH. If you re-visit it you'll improve it a lot.
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Last Fountain
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Strong religious overtones. Good creature stuff. Pretty scary and gory. Short.

Interesting opening. A lot creepy surreal imagery. I don’t know what it all means, but colour me intrigued. I like that the family is Latino. It adds some variety. I’ve been seeing a lot of familiar characters sprinkled throughout these OWC scripts. However, this is another case of a deaf character. I’ll admit that sign language is a pretty good way around the 1 speaker parameter though.

I like the haunted house stuff. Pretty creepy. I wonder if the older sister should laugh or smile or something, like she thinks this really good make-up effects and staging and such. She thinks it’s all part of the fun. Until she doesn’t. The creature was scary though – and effectively designed down to the large penis…um, I guess. Ha, jokes. This is like a traditional ancient devil design. Creepy for sure.

There might be a bit too much sign of the cross stuff going on. Pick a few moments instead. And is Clavo like GAMBIT or something. He zips that charged card like a shuriken. Kinda silly, but it takes this into fun territory. Let’s see how much more goofy horror stuff happens, but right now I’m thinking this bit tarnishes the more serious scary tone. Then it ends. Wow. I didn’t know Clavo was so divine. The halo stuff is a bit over-the-top for me. Like too silly. I wonder if it would be more effective to end on sadness. Like Clavo exits the house holding his dead sister, while Maria and he are shocked numb.

Serious tone unfortunately shifts to silliness. Creepy visuals. Strange concept.       *   *    (of 5)


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KPM
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 1:00am Report to Moderator
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Some pretty spooky stuff. Lots of visual fodder.
Might not need Jose and Maria's story. Probably enough story, and horror, with Clavo and the girls.
Some good action and color. Maybe tighten some of the description for more impact, and to speed up the pace.
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stevemiles
Posted: November 2nd, 2014, 7:05am Report to Moderator
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Chilling, atmospheric intro.  Good set-up with the flyer, worked well with the reader being kept at a distance from the warehouse.  This is leading somewhere bad.

Got confused with the ‘conversation’ on p.4.  Who’s Selena? Have I missed something crucial to the plot?

Can something flaccid also be said to jut?   Perhaps, this is Satan’s schlong after all...

This was going well but it started to feel scattered towards the end.  Julia became Maria -- a typo perhaps?  What point did Jose and Maria serve the plot?  I got a sense of some deeper morality tale -- kids out celebrating this pagan festival while the parents stay home committing sins of the flesh.  It felt rushed into place -- think this would have been better dropping that angle and focusing more as a straight-up dose of horror given the page restraints.

The idea of ‘the chosen one’ also needs to be strengthened -- were it not for the logline I never would have realised.

I like the premise and the atmosphere though not keen on the little kids slaughterhouse aspect.  Maybe a weekend special: hipsters two-for-one deal?  Unicyclists go free...  I’d watch that.

Good idea in this -- maybe one worth revisiting.


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StevenClark
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Writer,

Good opening here. It sets everything up nicely. Not sure what Jose and Maria brought to the story. They kinda got abandoned, but I'm sure there was some purpose there.

I feel you need a better build up of the evil funhouse and what awaits inside. It seems the demon/monster just has no reason for being other than to kill the children.

Not sure how Clavo became so divine in the first place. Was that alluded to earlier?

Overall, decent writing, good visuals and a pretty consistent tone throughout with a creepy impending sense of doom.

Steve


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pale yellow
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I love old dilapidated factories so I like the opening of this. The way you described it ...made the factory seem almost alive...hungry. Kudos for tone setting in this.

Oh and sign language...interesting. At first I thought they were just trying to be quiet to scare but then realized it was more than that.

I love your choice of names in this....different and easy to remember.

hmmm the dead children not really liking that. And why does the place want children? And I wasn't sure why Jose's relationship was bad with the woman unless he was just a drunk.

I am not sure I'm really liking or wanting to follow these characters right now. I did feel sorry for the children that could not speak. I'm a little confused on that.

I really do not like the killing of the children and the big penis...And then Clavo saves Maria and becomes like jesus...confused sorry. I loved the beginning of this...not sure I like the ending ...it is a wild ride though and has creepy emanating off of it.


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Gum
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… and we open with the penultimate battle cry for the misunderstood youth of a bygone era, that inebriated rebel without a clue, the endangered species; The Headbanger.  The ultimate of course being the Vincent Price monologue from Maiden’s ‘Number of the Beast’… but this still set a curious mood none the less.

“Multicolored lights blaze through every window…” Another script with a multicolored gateway; signifying something surreal and disturbing within its chamber or horrors. I love these unperceived metaphors of awakening. Something people take for granted, are these free flowing gateways that literally surround us within society, granting us access to our hidden subconscious if we would only stop for a moment and take a peek inside. Hell, even the Soul script took us to a Rave… it’s like the writers in this OWC were collectively connected through a thin silver thread of psychic energy. I’m shooting off on a tangent because your script is laden with despair and creativity.

“1.75 liter bottleof Sauza tequila” … I’m thinking someone from the UK or a commonwealth thereof, mind you, even Canadians call it a ‘Forty’ regardless of the metric system.

I like Clavo right away; he seems like a man in a little dude’s disguise. Dressed for celebrations of ‘Los Muertos’, he carries the weight of his father’s responsibility, Jose. Unfortunately, Clavo is just that; a boy, and inadvertently leads his siblings into the mouth of the beast… which is where I got really confused.

There’s basically a blood bath, using children as the primary victims, however, it’s just senseless killing IMO. Perhaps it wasn’t about killing; these blood offerings to a grotesque being, but the calling of Clavo to finalize the yearly ritual of this disturbing factory of carnage. That would make for something more palpable in regards to the death march of those two girls. The need to offer up a sacrifice to ensure Clavo will remain unchallenged, and ever tormenting the beast he just destroyed to never temp his powers again.

So many crazy visuals and hidden metaphors within this script. Dark… so dark. but carrying a message of hope. Such a strange juxtaposition of blood and folklore. Very unique.
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wonkavite
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 9:11pm Report to Moderator
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Well... okay.  

I THOUGHT this was going in one direction that I really was grooving on... sort of a classy, gothic Day of the Dead sort of thing.  And going with Spanish language and culture was such a breath of fresh air from the rest of the challenge.  Something different, and unique.  And the start was so Crypt Keeper visual - and that was a great start, too.

Then Clavo starts guesturing to his crotch.  And saying things like Dude...  And THEN you've got descriptions of flaccid penises, and characters thrusting into other characters, and gore that would make Tom Savini blush...  Uh, you lost me there.  It was just too over the top crazy, messy and gratuitous.... at least for me.  

Cheers,

--J (W)
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LC
Posted: November 3rd, 2014, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
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Some care appears to have been taken with the opening so that's not too bad, regardless of a bit of repetition. It does take a bit of a downward turn in quality after that in my opinion.

Dialogue is a bit forced, least to my ear. And Clavo's character - in particular his dialogue, seems to undergo a transformation towards the end, regardless of the fact he would speak differently when addressing Jose.

As I read:

Everybody signs here except Clavo? That a bit of bad luck.  

A half full 1.75 liter bottle
of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil,


I really don't like the wording above - an inanimate object being personified. Sometimes that works. It doesn't work for me here, sorry. Sounds contrived.

U.S. writer for sure. A Brit or Aussie would spell this as 'litre'.

You would do well to differentiate yourself as the writer as opposed to the dialogue your characters speak. Along that vein stay away from:

An insanely tall figure
'unholy rack of teeth'
levitated forward with an unholy speed, - & delete the 'an' in the latter, btw.

The 'unholy' and 'insanely' stuff is too much for me. As are the overladen descriptions and directions - rolling of eyes, blinking repeatedly, squinting, smiling - Allowing the actors to do their jobs without dictating every action is a good idea.

It's is a contraction of 'it is'. Thought the first a typo, but then you repeat it. Just in case.

It's maw opens,

At one point I'm thinking this is a send up of all things horror. Now, I'm not sure.

Twelve feet tall, bulbous head, unholy maw, two foot flaccid
penis jutting out. -


'flaccid' on one hand, and 'juts' on the other. I suppose it is big - but the wording seems a bit contradictory to me.

Finally, a picture of Jesus severs the creature's head. Really? That huge monstor of a thing just got done by a bit of cardboard?! Suppose it's like throwing holy water at a vampire.

They both sign - sign what? Victory? The other kid died. I have no idea.

Though it surely seemed to entertain others this didn't do much for me and I'm sure you can do better. Overall this reads to me as an 'unholy' rush job submitted at the last minute.  



Revision History (1 edits)
LC  -  November 4th, 2014, 2:27am
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CoopBazinga
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I would personally have the fade in after the message. I remember one time, someone saying something along the lines of “how can we see this – the screen’s still black” Anyway, it doesn’t really matter.

“ESTEVEZ HOUSE” Emilo? I do hope so…

“The windows are all open” So it’s wet and windy and these guys leave the windows open?

“A half full 1.75 liter bottle of Sauza tequila keeps silent vigil” Is this overwriting? Are all these details important?

“his eyes glow with kindness.” My eyes are exactly the same, or so people tell me.

“Clavo motions to the girls with a hand sign, and they both giggle silently.” What did Clavo do? It’s your job as the writer to tell us. I want to know what made them giggle.

“finger to his lips.” They could whisper right?

“laugh silently” to go with “giggle silently” This feels like I’m reading an old silent movie.

“oblivious to the blaring music.” Yeah, that’s right… the music. Why are they creeping around again?

Some really odd phrasing has me chuckling and all the silent stuff just isn’t working for me at the moment.

“Clavo pulls out a generic picture of Jesus, kisses it and signs again.” Generic? Do 16 year old kids carry around a picture of Jesus? I guess it can happen.

“Jose signs furiously, as a tear forms in his eye.” Have to admit to getting lost – I thought the opening was good, but I haven’t liked this intro of the family which is a little confusing with all the hand signing and such.

“The three (walk along), as throngs of Trick or Treaters (walk along) the hazy streets.” Try not to be repetitive in your action like this.

Mija, Mijas – I’m getting really lost to who Clavo is supposed to be talking too? I think it’s Angie? Also, I think mija is slang for daughter which also isn’t helping.

“She has a fresh black and swelling eye.” The second one I’ve read that deals with abuse (possibly?)

“three foot Styrofoam mask” That’s one big mask.

“Both girls sign again” What are they actually doing – all this generic hand signing is wearing thin as I have no actual visual idea of what they’re doing? I’m also wondering why no one is talking, other than the challenge parameters.

“carefully eyeing the odd behaviour” but not all the dead people that are sitting around. Wouldn’t he find it strange that nobody is signalling at him.

“impossibly tall figure” Impossibly… but he is that tall, right? I don’t understand. How tall is he supposed to be? There’s something annoying in the writing that we never actually get visuals, just a snippet of one. I do like it when things are left to the reader’s interpretation but this feels like it’s been happening throughout the story.

“two foot flaccid penis jutting out.” I don’t know if I should be taking this seriously now? Great line though. At least the writing is being more visual now.

“signs to her sister” Great! Is Julie giving up her sister up first?

“Angelika's red witch costume is ripped away.” How old is she again? This is getting weirder by the second.

“but it's more of a shark's smile” I must admit that I’m getting some great laughs at the moment. Did you watch Shark Tale before writing this line?

“Julia SCREAMS!” silently?

“No one around him moves or seems to understand what's going on.” I thought they were dead.

“Julia SCREAMS again.” If the scene is continuous, Julia shouldn’t be screaming again – just still screaming if that makes sense. Probably doesn’t, much of what I say doesn’t.

“Maria looks down from above” Who? Is this the same Maria that Jose is giving one too?

“throws it forward like a ninja death star.” Yes! Excellent use of the tools available to him, quite inventive really – a damn paper cut will show that Demon who’s boss.

Who knew a picture could be so damaging – the pen is mightier and all that I guess.

Wow, just wow. Honestly not sure what to make of this one. Didn’t fully understand why nobody could talk, and just used hand signs or basic signs all the time. I think it takes a hell of a long time to get going, but in all that time, nothing of relevance is actually revealed. Jose and Maria are pointless, and I don’t understand the siblings, or why they want to go to some random warehouse.

Clavo is also a weak character, and doesn’t even have to face off any real obstacles – in fact, he should join the boys on Supernatural because he’s a natural when it comes to killing evil things.

There are some moments of gold in the last few pages (felt sorry for poor Angie) as her little sister nominated her first to die, and the throwing of the picture like a ninja star is really goofy but a fun way to finish.

I think you need to intro the family better, and explain all the “signing” that’s going on – maybe you did and I missed it – if that’s the case, then it needs to be clearer. You also need to give Clavo and the sisters a stronger goal then just popping to a ghost house as there is nothing scary to that predicament. In fact, the story lacks any goals until Clavo see’s that Julie is in trouble but he overcomes it so easily that it falls flat.

Everything from the writing to story just feels unfocused at the moment – moving back to Jose and Maria mid-story was a perfect example. Nothing leads to anything here. It’s like a lot of random scenes crammed together and that’s not a story.

Not for me this one – needs some work.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 5:44pm Report to Moderator
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I thought the start of this was good, and I enjoyed the blood note tapering into the demented serpent figure's face. What followed that was surprisingly deadpan for me - a great tone. Going from over-the-top to hitting a brick wall - and I liked it.

The scene when Jose was fondling her was almost too sincere for the story, it was interesting, but out of place. But I have no suggestions, it is what it is.

This writer 100% takes home the prize for the most sick, twisted imagery in this OWC. And I'd say the great description that delivered it was responsible. Good work, although the story is elusive.
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dbm
Posted: November 5th, 2014, 5:46pm Report to Moderator
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A bunch of improperly placed commas in this one early on. I do like the setup though with the haunted house and the family at home.

Whoa - dead kids? Naked 14 year old facing a 2 ft dick?

And... victory by Jesus picture.

Why is the Mom there? I don't get it. She died? Not sure what message to take from this one. Good visuals though.
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RJ
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:33am Report to Moderator
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Ok...this one was weird - really weird.

I thought I was going to like this because your opening, IMO, was strong. I loved how you set up the factory and had the portal opening within - the vibe was freaky. Really set the mood for a good horror.

Sad to say though, after the opening, everything kind of fell apart in, what seems to be, a rushed attempt to get something in.

Don't get me wrong - with work this could be something good, but as it stands was not for me. The ending with Maria or Julia and what was going on with Jose before that was really confusing. I also didn't like Angelika being stripped down the way she was, but did get a good chuckle from the creatures description.
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RayW
Posted: November 6th, 2014, 6:13pm Report to Moderator
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31.  Shout at the Devil by Logan Tyler - On Halloween, 2014, the gates of Hell will open, and only the chosen one can hope to close them.

Alright, I’m not “really” reading your screenplay, I’m going to “watch” this short horror-fantasy film and just make comments as I “watch.”

With a title like ‘Shout at the Devil’ I’m expecting something very much just like that, little tongue in cheek.
Crazy opening sequence. Like it.
Windows all open?! Someone like humidity in their house. Yeesh.
Nice mute/deaf family. Interesting work around.
Story’s lost a lot of energy on that change from opening sequence to the humdrum of familiy drama.
(Turn off your program’s “Mores and Continueds” feature. Not necessary.)
Dad’s quite the bastard.
Excellent terror scene with the blood blast at the factory fun house!
Horrific pile of dead children!
This is a sorta crazy story.
Ah, the Jesus-picture-shuriken. An oldy but a goody.

Uh… (figuratively lifts up the screenplay, looks behind it, under it, back at the front, over it, puts it down.) Did I miss a couple pages?
Good images and settings, though.
Not much shouting at the devil, BTW.

Suggested construct alternatives:
- Figure out something relevant to do with wife raping drunken dad story aspect.
- Provide some reason why Julia’s crosses were  “more effective” than Angelica’s.



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Dreamscale
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 8:34pm Report to Moderator
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My apologies on this shitty effort on my part.  I'm embarrassed, but I wanted to get something in.

Things were going OK until I must have gotten a little hammied and thought I had more time than I did, as I had 5 pages to go with 20 minutes on the clock, and I ended up only getting 3 pages in and no time to go back and figure out all the mistakes I made.  Sad thing is that I actually had about an hour and a half, and I decided to have a smoke and a drink, and ended up on the phone for 30 minutes.  

Stupid...stupid...stupid!!!

I messed up the characters in the final scene, and never got to go back and edit out the scene with the parents, which obviously had nothing to do with the "story"...if there even was a story.  I did have plans for a finale that would have run about a page and half, but, obviously didin't get that done.

Pure shit, I know.  Feel free to jump in and trash this thing, as it deserves anything anyone wants to say about it.

My bad all the way around. Sorry...


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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oJOHNNYoNUTSo
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 8:41pm Report to Moderator
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Haha, Jeff! There were so many details that gave this away, but as soon as dude throws Jesus ninja star, you should've just put your name on the title page. I was entertained, don't be so hard on yourself lol!
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nawazm11
Posted: November 11th, 2014, 9:23pm Report to Moderator
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Couldn't get to a lot of entries this time around, I think it's the first time in a year or two where I didn't read them all. A lot of signing going on here, Jeff, and a few asides too which I thought was funny. I feel as if you edited it towards the end to make a little more outrageous, just some very strange stuff here...
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dead by dawn
Posted: November 12th, 2014, 9:52pm Report to Moderator
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JEFFRO.  LOL.  Your review of your own work had me rolling.  

I liked the beginning.  The signing got on my nerves, though.

I liked a lot of the "NC 17 Material"...great to see a writer take some ballsy risks.

Overall, this didn't blow my hair back, but it had its moments.

Good to see something from you, too.  I eagerly await your next feature about union meetings.  
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Colkurtz8
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 7:27am Report to Moderator
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I love the title (recalls Ti West's "The House of the Devil") and enjoyed the depraved extremities you went to in the factory maze of horror, that place was every kind of horrible but I didn't grasp what the story or point was outside of fulfilling the challenge's criteria.

We're introduced to this family, the kids go to the maze of horror, bad stuff happens, one is saved by the other. The townsfolk has all been possessed in some way, which was creepy but it didn't lead to anything.

I did like the unnerving tall men guarding the entrances though.

Then there is the tequila skulling husband who seems nice at first, if a little scattered (due to his boozing) and ornery (in his wariness of the party his kids are going to) but turns out to be an abusive basta?d to his long suffering wife. Fine, ok...but it had nothing do with what was going on, or at least wasn't followed up on. Instead, it was brought to a point and left there.

Also, it seems as if Julia turns into Maria in the final page which I presume was a typo. Or was there some transference of mother into daughter spirit going on here?

In addition, religion triumphing over evil was tossed in at the last minute as a "reason" why Clavo was able to vanquish the beast and afford a somewhat (Angelika was still slaughtered) upbeat ending which was felt so lame and tacked on. The oldest good vs. evil battle in the book, beyond unoriginal.

Overall, a bit of a head-scratcher this one, and not in a good way. It just didn't make much sense, ill conceived and incomplete.


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Dreamscale
Posted: November 17th, 2014, 10:04am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Thanks for reading, COl.

THis was a last minute piece of shit entry that will embarrass me for years.  You are on the money with much of what you said.  Read my post from last week for more details on this pathetic effort.

Hope all is well, bro.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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sniper
Posted: November 25th, 2014, 6:34am Report to Moderator
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Hey Jeff,

Hope you're doing well. Been a while since I last read a Dreamscale script. Actually it's been a while since I read a short  - especially an OWC entry (hate those).

Bearing in mind that it's an OWC entry, with the limitations that impose, I did not hate it. Really. You call this a pathetic effort, something to be embarrassed about, I don't see it that way. Yes, it's certainly not a fully fleshed out story, the ending is super fucking rushed and the whole Jose sub-plot is not really relevant to the story in its current shape...but, minus a few clunky parts, it's really well written.

There's a shitload of atmosphere right off the bat, you've got an interesting choice of family dynamics, mute kids and whatnot. I could easily see this fleshed out into a feature. Make the building much bigger, maybe it's got underground tunnels and shit, and have pretty much the entire second and third act take place inside the building. You've got kids that can't call out for help - what a great obstacle. I would love to read that - just do me a favor and cut back on your usual chattery characters, you follow  

Cheers
Rob


Down in the hole / Jesus tries to crack a smile / Beneath another shovel load
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Dreamscale
Posted: November 25th, 2014, 3:37pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


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Where you been, Rob?  Long time, bro.

Thanks for reading.  Also thanks for not takinjg a huge shit on this crapper.

Yeah, I actually liked the beginning, but things quickly fell apart and I just didn't have the time to even reread it once before submitting.  I'm going to leave this deadhorse alone and let him rot.

Hope all is well with you!


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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