Isidro by Apothecary P. Romeo - Short - A documentary crew and a couple find shelter in a laundry room of an abandoned motel during a hurricane. But is a werewolf after them? Or is it something else? - pdf, format

Well, color me confused.  I guess I have to attribute it to the found footage format, but I had a hard time following what was going on.  The writing itself, though, was a bit stilted for my taste.  Lines like "He pulls out the gun and a RAT around his hand. Blood pumps from the wound" confused me.  The rats, the dialogue, I dunno, man.  Not my cup of tea, sorry.

Yep, just comes off as a rush job with a few too many conflicting ideas imh.  Messy dialogue feels like you were under the gun for submission.

Good effort though. Premise had me intrigued.

I really liked this one. Extra points for making it found footage.

I liked the banter back and forth between ghosts versus werewolves.

Then punctuating everything with O.S. gore to keep in budget. Good work!

Sorry, i couldn't get into this one at all. Page 7 is way too late to give a description of Krys IMO. There was just nothing there to drive the story forward, my mind kept wandering. The werewolf, the spirits, the rats.

Good job completing an OWC.

James

Ultimately, I think this one could be polished into something good.  Two sets of strangers, with various theories as to "what the danger is outside."  Build up the tension, ease into the paranoia better - this could be really fun.

And I really liked the way it started.  The opening visuals of the hotel are very evocative.  And I especially liked the line "A different kind of thunder bams against the door." (Although, did you mean 'bangs'?)  Typos...always happen in OWCs!  

I did feel that the promise fell apart as the script progressed, though.  I found myself confused at the beginning, as to who was already in the hotel, and if the two couples had already met.  That's a quick description fix.  But then the discussion about their various supernatural theories...  IMO, you jump into it too quickly.  Two sets of strangers aren't going to immediately share thoughts like "there's a werewolf" or "no, it's demons!"...they've got to build up to that, be sure that 'talk like that' is acceptable before you get to that point.

Then, Ted and Ellen start making out and discuss sex tapes out of the blue?  Ack!  Out of character!  (Which I know was the idea, but it was still too jarring.)

So - to summarize - loved the initial setup, and I think this could be polished to something fun.  (And found footage is always a plus these days, esp. with micro budgets.)  But - it does need that polish to live up to it's potential!

Cheers,

Wonka (J)

Maybe a contender for the WTF award.

Congrats for finishing the OWC!

The Found Footage genre would work well in this challenge IMO.  However, when you add another couple and some werewolves it gets a little confusing.

Why are they held up in the laudry room?  Is that where all the rats go in a hurricane?  I would think the kitchen.

One couple starts to make out in a laudry room full of rats with a documentary film crew in their face?  Now that's some kinky sex.

It could have been really good.  Still salvagable.  Just too many elements.

Good effort.  Thanks for playing.

Page 1. I kind of like the different images you start out with. Not sure we need a narrator though… We will see. Maybe it is important to the story.

The images get a little trickier to understand on the 2nd half of the page. And I did not really understand what you meant with " back to the source of the camera and flood light".

Page 4. There's a lot of dialogue here and not much action. The last 3 pages all we have learned is that 2 people are documentary filmmakers and the other 2 had an accident with a car. We have also learned that there are werewolves, but that is it. I don't really see any conflict or drama going on. That makes this mostly exposition or idle chatter.

By the way, it is not illegal in Florida to have a gun or take it with you when you travel…

Page 8. " Ted goes over to his wife, makes out." That seems to me like a very odd thing to do. It does not fit in with what has already happened. In my opinion.

Who is Tim?

Okay, finished. This script wasn't really for me, sorry to say. It was mostly dialogue which in itself doesn't have to be a bad thing. However, in cases like that the dialogue has to be razor-sharp. It has to be intelligent, but most of all, it still has to have the drama/conflict and move a story forward. I did not feel the story did that. I did not count, but I know that the question was if the Wolf or werewolf came out numerous times. As did the answer " it wasn't a wolf". Lots of repetitive stuff. Your characters also do things that did not make sense to me. Your character's dialogue is also very very much the same. I could not tell by dialogue alone who was who and I had to look up and see who it actually was speaking.

I do not know why you chose to set this in a laundry room when in my opinion at least a motel room would have been a lot more interesting visually.

I would suggest changing the setting to a motel room. Sharpen up the dialogue and give your characters their own voice and characteristics.

This is quite funny, but I doubt it's supposed to be.

The dialogue is quite funny, but I doubt it's supposed to be.

Love the making out and other such goings ons.

For some reason, you continually leave off the subject of your lines, making it impossible to know who is doing the action.

I should really just start quoting lines, as oppossed to giving any actual feedback, as my point would be much clearer, I think.

As a whacky comedy or pisser, this is pretty good, but if any of it is to be taken seriosly, it's a huge miss.  Sorry, but I don't know what else to even say.

I found this very confusing, but I like the tone of this-- black and white photos, narration (which reminded me a bit of Texas Chainsaw Massacre at first) and then some shaky documentary footage.

I do think the writing itself could use some work, as you have some stilted and awkward sentences here. Try to make each sentence as natural as possible.

Even though it's found footage, I don't think it's necessary to mention camera angles. Just write the action as it happens.

Capitalize Ellen's name when she's intro'd.

This line (as well as some others) felt a bit on-the-nose:

TED
I'm Ted, my wife Ellen. Our car
broke down, accident. Rushed over
here -

I know you'd need some exposition due to the restrictions of the challenge, but I think it could be handled better than it was here.

Overall I like the idea. Some documentary filmmakers stumble onto a swamp wolf legend and creepy locals.

Like I said, I found this really confusing, but I don't really blame you if you were working against a deadline.

I think this will improve greatly with a rewrite. Congrats on finishing an OWC entry.

Not much worked on this one.  Confusing, redundant, and difficult to read.  I assume this was supposed to be found footage?  Didn't really see the purpose.  Characters were all the same and the bleeping of curse words was like what?

Can't really say much more.  Didn't work for me at all, sorry.

Greg

I don't get it. There was a wolf, but then they were lying. Then, they were only lying in part but the wolf was real.

I don't know. This story was a mess, to be honest. As some said, it was highly redundant. The dialogue was a mess. The action lines, by the end, became incomprehensible.

So, I'd take a serious look at what you tried to do here and give it a real polish. Right now, it's near unreadable.

Best of luck.

F.

Hey Apothecary P. Romeo,

Sorry, but I had lots of problems with this one, I agree with, Greg. This was a hard read and the bleeping… what’s that about? I actually had to read this twice and I hate doing that but this just went straight over my head on the first read. It’s just not clear and very complicated to follow, and the dialogue needs work.

I actually liked the opening with the narrator, it’s different. Then things just went downhill for me and I blame it on the found footage technique… Characters were not capped on first intro, even though we were seeing them for the first time. And then when they were, Ted was capped but not Ellen?

Then we moved inside but were told that strong winds and rain were pulverising the “exterior” of the building. Huh? I think you moved the scene inside to early. And the floodlight being capped like it some meaning? If that’s the case, why didn’t it get capped in the first place? The inconsistency wasn’t helping me as you can tell, and I’m all for that when reading a script. There was also a typo (Tim) on page 8 which should have been Ted I believe.

I’m thinking this by a new member on the boards or a rushed last minute entry.

So let’s move onto the story.

I have to be honest and I’m sorry about this because I hardly have the right because my own script isn’t any good to say the least.

However, I don’t really know what to say about the story, after two reads I’m still really confused by it. I think you’ve muddled the dialogue up somewhere because it doesn’t make sense to me. I get the ending about them being the wolves but this didn’t work for me at all. Sorry.

It’s too long, cut it down and make the dialogue and characters more realistic.

Most importantly is to make the writing clearer, this reads so confusing and it really hurts the read.

Congrats on completing the OWC.

Steve

Brilliant idea of doing this as a found footage type of story. I'm sure I'll see another one in the batch somewhere. Seriously, this takes care of any budget problems...although the bleeped profanity seems out of place. Let's say this bit was real and aired on TV. Sure, they'd bleep out cuss words. But...

BUT...

1 - We get a little kink that comes off as a little wierd (but forced) and I think it tips the hand a little bit. When Ted (Tim?) takes the gun I almost expected him and Ellen to be something other than what they claimed, and, seeing how thier paranormal-supernatural was BS, (or so they say - was the werewolves- shadow demons one the same?)

2 - The carnage at the end. Body parts, blood.

See my point? The contradiction makes this read a little more corny than it should be. If this is who I think it is, you could have took no prisoners instead of holding me hostage.


I think FF scripts are really tricky to pull off effectively. Since it is a FF script, why isn't there an additional scene or two with Krys and Joe? You got a whole run down abandoned motel. You could have used an extra page...or less one, considering that the debate over "what" is out there aside from the hurricane itself could have been more to the point.

I agree with the others to a point - I don't think you're new but I do think a good chunk of the OWC was you burning midnight oil. I think with another update this will knock it out of the park. But not quite yet.

Good job entering the OWC

I liked the found footage and the Narrator at the start... it gave it a different tone than I was expecting....
Storywise trapped in a laundry, back and forth figuring out the werewolf... Kinda weird and then you through a sex scene in there...Hey could happen

Well you kept under budget

Good job in finishing an OWC

Mark

When I saw this was going to be a found footage, it seemed like a clever spin on this challenge.  But the script just failed to deliver.  FF is tricky to write without getting confusing.  Unfortunately, the description had a certain lack of clarity that made me go back and reread several parts of this.

Odd choice to go with a loup garou.  But, once you chose the werewolf, you should have stuck with it.  Instead, the script meandered off into other directions with the talk of "demons of the wind."

"Joe rushes up to the washing machine, his hand dives in."

That was awkwardly phrased.

Overall, this script suffered from what I fear will drag down the majority of these scripts:  the expository dialogue to explain the supernatural backstory of the characters.  That was the toughest part of this challenge, IMO.  A whole lot of people saying, "This is what happened..."

Anyway, I liked the FF concept here, but this one felt undercooked.

Pg 1:  
Ellen's intro should be all caps.
“A door swooshes back and forth.”  I assume it's the same door, so it would be “The door...”
Some wouldn't like you not using complete sentences in the description, as in the rest of this paragraph.  I like it.  I know most don't, but I think it adds something to the description.  If it doesn't and is used too much, it would drive me nuts.
Make sure you make it clear if we went back to the handheld camera.  I read by this the first time.

Pg 2:
Again, make it clear when we are with the handheld or another camera.  It felt like we saw Krys stand up from another view.  If she was holding the camera when she got up, describe what we see in HER camera not that we see her.  Maybe I'm just picky.

Pg 7:
When Krys put the camera down to remove her necklace, did she pick it back up again?  Are we looking through her camera again?  Not sure.

Pg 8:
Who did Ted just make out with?  His wife or Joe's?  Why did he even do that?  I'm confused.

Pg 9:
Ok, now that Ted just kissed and felt up Ellen, I guess that answers my questions above.

Figured they were the werewolves, but you did a good job with the story for the short amount of space.  Since you brought the fact that this was through a handheld camera, I figured most of it should have been seen through it.    Like I said in my notes, sometimes I wasn't sure if I was looking through Krys camera or from another camera angle.  You should make that more clear and it would have helped.  The dialogue was okay.  You put together a story in a short amount of time which is good in my book.  Not sure if this story meets all of the requirements.  You'll like this if you like werewolves, making out, feeling each other up and geyser-shooting blood, etc.   Not sure if it worked for me though.

Ok, we've reached the point when each review starts to get repetitive, sorry for that.

Keeping it brief

I liked the claustrophobic setting, differently sets of theories etc - cant go outside, so have to work it out together

But, I was lost constantly through out.

Got potential, needs a post OWC revision, as do most, including mine!

I think this was a great idea for this OWC but needs to be reworked.  There is too much talking, not enough action.  And there needs to be tension and conflict.  I didn't feel that.  Because of too much dialog the pacing was off and it really dragged.  But I reall do think it was a good idea but very difficult to polish in just a week.  

I liked parts of this. Nice idea. The hurricane was used in this more than others I've read so far.

In the end though I was still a bit confused with things that didn't make sense, ie: Everyone seemed scared, trying to figure out each other then - lets make out.

Good effort though, can see a story here.

Not a fan of this one. Except for the feeling up, this reads like it's a bunch of school kids playing make-believe, an exercise in the imagination with nothing to support it, at least until the very end when the cheesy '80s B-movie horror stuff happens. Bad dialogue, nothing really happens, and a terrible ending that's more confusing than in any way satisfying.

Good for you for at least entering and writing to the challenge restrictions, full marks for that.

I liked the found footage idea but have to agree with everyone else in that the story was a tad confusing. It's possible you were pressed for time and had to rush the story. Still a good job in a weeks time and congrats on the OWC.

Way too much dialogue.  I know you were probably going for an authentic conversation - but you have to remember that dialogue is not the same as a real conversation.   Condense the dialogue for starters.  

I also think you should concentrate on the tension and try to bring that much earlier.  Maybe starting with the rat attack in the dryer.

Good on ya for getting something together for this OWC.

I liked the title.

Unfortunately, that's about all I liked for this one.  I was way too confused from the onset.  I had no idea who was breaking in, why they were, who was already there.  I was lost by page 2.

The dialogue felt forced and was over-bearing.

I think this script being Found Footage is the main reason I didn't like it.  I don't like Found Footage, I've never seen a good Found Footage movie, (and I have seen a good amount), Found Footage is almost impossible to do and sound natural.  To be honest, from the get-go, almost all found footage movies are too implausable, and I lose my imagination fast with them.  I think that's why this story ultimately didn't do anything for me.

- Mark

You started it with an ff narration, but soon dropped the guy behind the camera, either that or I didnt get a strong sense of someone behind the camera past page 2.

You talk about werewolves a lot, so I know that sooner or later they are going to appear. Howerver the conversation dragged it was really about nothing for several pages. The werewolf talk got repetitive.

I think ou ould introduce the danger ( real thing not just talk) earlier and provide the twist at the end maybe. And I'd cut on dialog.

Isidro by - A documentary crew and a couple find shelter in a laundry room of an abandoned motel during a hurricane. But is a werewolf after them? Or is it something else?
Brief - Two parties trapped in a motel laundry room discover there’s a werewolf among them.

Locations & Sets  -  Exterior, motel @ day, Exterior, dirty pool @ day. Interior, motel laundry @ night
Actors  -  TED (30s), Ellen (late 20s), KRYS (20s), JOE (20s)
Costumes  - wolf mask + werewolf paws
Props  -  Still shots converted to photographs, dead snake, cracked glass, camera, ruined linens, dead mice, cobwebs, laundry debris, key chain flashlight, bible, black nail polish, bright UV light, revolver + silver bullets, liquid stage blood, dead rat, silver crucifix, severed hand
Audio FX  -  narrator V.O., Static sounds, strong wind and rain sounds, blunt slam into door, door swoosh, shoulder whack, door slam shut, audio bleep, rat squeaks, wood floor squeaks, wind howl, door bam, Rat acappella from hell cries from all four corners of the room, deep growl
Visual FX  -  map graphic
Other  - flood light, blood geyser effect
Genre & Marketability - horror comedy
Comments  - Intro ELLEN in all caps. By pg4 I have no idea WTH is going on. Good use of sounds. I think this is supposed to be funny. Not hitting the humor outta the park, but premise could be good if well executed with the right improv group. Nice use of essentially a single location. The intro scene might be worth the hassle. Might. Nothing critical about it and subject to a million equally effective variables. Relatively cost effective, too. Probably shorten the play time, though. I don’t think this took into consideration of the contest’s given criteria worth a d@mn, but it’s nice, just the same. Script format: fine. Final word: cost effective and potentially funny premise, both good for a horror short

$500 - $1,000  Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range
/ 9.5 Screenplay Pages
= $53 - $105  Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute

Adherence to Given Criteria:
Odd but interesting character(s) - nope
take refuge from a hurricane - sorta?
in a beat-up motel - eh...
and are forced to make a choice - none that I could discern
between good or evil - pfft. beats me. IDK WTH was going on
in order to survive the night. - probably not. maybe
Each character must -
have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - maybe
that factors into their choice. - maybe
Genre is open. - horror comedy
This is a micro-budget short, - yep
so no destruction of the motel, - yep
no children or animals - yep
and minimal special effects. - yep
BONUS! Story also included:
mime(s) - nope
dinosaur(s) - nope

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1WBdeA3ZfngPz7NfJg_5DSBUFsZXkicfyNQHRc8Bg2SQ/edit

Okay, sorry to say but I legit understood nothing here. Incredibly confusing, probably because of the found footage format.

The dialogue was very on and off, some made sense while other was confusing as hell.

Story wise, I didn't understand much. Werewolves and Demons chasing people in a storm? I didn't really get a lot here, if I did, I think I would've rated it higher.

My grade: E-.

before i begin, i have a bit of a confession. i HATE found footage films. they rarely intrigue me. i fell asleep during paranormal activity (and i was in a movie theater).

but i digress.

i just say that to say i'm a bit biased from the get go. needless to say, wasn't a huge fan. but it wasn't the FF element that bothered me the most. no, what really irked me was the demon element. i like the idea that you combined werewolves and FF. that's actually fairly new. combine that with the storm, and you've reached your max for 6 pages. but then you throw in demons and now everything's gone to s hit. it's just too much.

then again, maybe I'm just confused. writing from a FF angle is tough. so difficult, in fact, that i would never do it. so kudos for that. and kudos for doing something different.

i admire your effort and for that i say nice work with the OWC. would highly recommend that you focus your story during the rewrite.