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The first slug line should be in the car. I assume its a car racing down the highway? Maybe Ext. car to establish where we are then go straight to the interior of the car.
I found this rather confusing. Was Cowboy Sam a flashback? The flashback was something outside of the motel so not sure if that's allowed. Lastly, I didn't get the supernatural. I was too confused with going back and forth between Cowboy Sam and the motel room that I just gave up and read the ending quick.
Various misspellings and typos. Felt rushed. Congrats on participating and good luck rewriting this.
Okay, unless I'm mistaken, this is the first official pisser of the challenge. I couldn't tell you what this story was about if you put a gun to my head a la Cowboy Sam.
Starts out routine enough, but the hurricane plays virtually no role in this at all. No description of the motel and no real explanation why no one was at the kiosk.
I'm assuming the jewelry store scene is a flashback, but it isn't labeled as such. And at this point, its hard to tell if Cowboy Sam is a living, breathing sicko or just some vengeful apparition. Also unclear why Jack would kidnap Liz, who's his daughter(right?)
But then, this happened:
KEVIN (to Liz) Quiet you. I haven’t forgiven you for throwing up on me yet.
What a line.
Right about there is where I completely lost track. No idea why Jack was going to kill himself or what Kevin was doing in the photobooth.
And then Madam Putz smashes through the wall like somebody just yelled "Hey, Kool-Aid!!" The writer unfortunately ran out of time just as she was "pinning Kevin up against the wall in a sea of rolling fat." Thanks for leavin' me hangin'.
Sorry, but a few pages into this, I was totally lost. Some typos throughout.
This definitely needs a rewrite. Focus on telling the story, and be sure it makes sense.
Be sure to label your flashbacks, because otherwise it's very easy for readers to become completely confused. (Still not sure if the jewelry store scene was a flashback or not, though...)
I'm not sure if this is a pisser or not, but I'll leave the benefit of the doubt to the writer. My apologies if this is a serious effort.
I told myself that I was going to read each and every script form here on out in its entirety, but that's not going to be happening, thanks to this thing.
So many mistakes. So many different kinds of mistakes. So many downright hilarious mistakes. Is it a pisser or is this an attempt at an actual script? I don't know to be honest.
If it's a serious attempt, you seriously need to start reading scripts, doing homework on how to write, turn your auto correct to "on", read your work back out loud and make at least a few correctoins.
Sorry, but this is really, really bad. This new batch does not look very promising.
I agree with pretty much everyone else. This one was a complete disaster on every level. The grammar/spelling/punctuation was atrocious. The dialogue went from trying to be serious then funny then neither. The story was entirely non-existent. Nothing in it made any sense because you really didn't even attempt to have a plot... or an ending.
By far, the worst that's come up in the OWC so far. No question.
I tried reading it to see what the fuss was about.... wow alot of spelling mistakes and it looks like it's written from across the pond ...Crisps, biscuits...
If this is a pisser, it's close to gnius, but without an ending, not quite.
I read the entire thing and I am feeling much better than I was earlier, THis made me smile and that's entertainment,
Some of this dialogue is truly both classic and timeless.
I really enjoyed the close and touching father/daughter relationship between Jack and Liz. I'd love to see this deep but possibly troubled relationsip expanded into a feature or maybe series, even.
Woof! There is some really funny shit going on in this story and I'm not to sure what to make of it.
I'm pretty confident previous posters would have said about the numerous issues going on here and there is a lot.
I have absolutely no idea what was going on or why? And this seemed to end mid-scene and leave me hanging. Maybe it's like "Kill Bill" and this was only part 1? Hopefully part 2 is in the works as we speak?
You had Madam Putz (who became Lady Putz later BTW) rolling like the huge boulder from "Raiders of the Lost Ark" which was only one of many funny moments from this script. A few other highlights were Kevin playing air guitar in his pants and Jack launching himself from the room leaving poor old Kevin to take the heat.
And I have to mention this particular line:
"The watch is not for me. If I were to procure the dismembered arm of my darling lover, could you fit it then."
It really did make me laugh.
Yeah, this was funny but for all the wrong reasons I'm afraid to say. Was it a pisser? I guess we'll have to wait and see when the authors are revealed.
Sorry but I was lost after the opening scene. A four door saloon <- should be sedan, right? The story was all over the place, it's possible you were strapped for time. Congrats on writing for the OWC.
For some reason I had high hopes for this. Hummmm.
It started with tension, and a high production budget which carried on, involving two blokes with a woman in the boot gong into an abandoned motel to escape a storm. Potentially a good set up.
But then it got weird and unfocused and no ones knows what was going on.what was CS? Why was he there? An fatty putz etc the list goes on.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Don't really know what to say about this one. It has a certain 'style', that's for sure. The mistakes seem almost deliberate . . .
Odd mix of words, saloon, not American, would be sedan, paired with highway, oh and 'a Jack' . . .
The reveal was:
'Yes you were. You were going to kill yourself and leave me with your fucking daughter.'
Okay so 7 pages in and I'm one significant story piece of information better off . . .
Weird for the sake of being weird and obscure? So, someone is delusional and suffering with a mental problem, hence Cowboy Sam, but the end is so muddled and unclear . . . sorry, I need to saddle up my horse and have a think about this one.
Call me crazy, but there was something naive about both the writing and the character of Kevin that I found kind of endearing. But then, I'm a sucker for an underdog.
(NOTE: If this is a piss-take, then it's a massive failure because whilst this is silly, it's not clever enough to be a piss-take. Someone needs to go back to piss take school, cos' as it stands -- you ain't 'cool' enough to pull this off. Sorry.)
If you aren't taking the piss, here's some thoughts:
Random scenes posing as surrealism are for experienced writers only. Getting that stuff to run into the narrative without your pages screaming "TRY-HARD ARTSY AMATEUR" is a hard, if not impossible nut to crack. (take it from someone that learned the hard way). That said, the phone booth did make me laugh. That said -- what time frame are we in with these scenes? Are they flashbacks? Is so, readers need help with this stuff.
Some of the dialogue made me smile (not laugh) but I'm not sure if the humour's intentional or just rushed, or by a writer just starting out. I have no idea for what purpose these characters are connected because you ran out of pages. Who or what is Cowboy Bob? (apart from a 'Feeder'). Why have a scene of naked air guitar followed by a scene with a very flippant suicide attempt? Why does the woman burst through the wall? All these questions, even before I've had a look if this meets the requirement of the challenge?
Anyway. I don't regret reading this. It's weird enough to be slightly memorable. All though an ending would have been nice.
I understood that Liz is Jacks daughter and Jack just found out. He also knows about her being a serial killer and thus doesn't have the guts to kill her.
Dont know why they have to do the killing - why not just to turn her in.
Now to Cowboy Sam and Lady Putz - these are very strange people. If these are people. Jack meets Sam in all strange places... I don't know what to say here but every time the two appeared I was very much lost.
Maybe you should drop all the farce, and run with your idea about Jack not being able to kill his daughter even though she is a bad seed. Also edex with my daughter" doesn't read well.
A real turd burglar here, meaning it stole the turd thus far for the OWC. This was too well written at times to not be a pisser. A pisser that wasn't very funny. Madame Putz crashing through the wall was the highlight for me, because it was on the last page.
The only thing missing from this is the collapsible scene index that usually accompanies this writer's work.
Like Bill, I had high hopes too. The title kept reminding me of Cowboy Beebop.
There are a lot of mistakes on show here and it's hard to actually know if this was a pisser or a serious attempt. Maybe you wrote it in the last half hour of the OWC but more effort should've been put into this.
C'mon, Mo...we're waiting on more reviews from you and your grades. For reals...I love Sean's grades and I was thrilled when you kicked in with grades as well.
Give this entry a grade and you should actually finish the script, as it does get much better.
I have to agree with Jeff (who is probably the author) that it does get much better if you read the whole script. Well, I'm not sure I'd use the word better exactly, but at least some of the confusion goes away.
And I never have and probably never will again read a script where a 6ft something, 500 pounds woman crashes through a motel room wall. (Has someone been reading my Halloween OWC scripts?)
This was by no means a match for the brief. I don't think it was a serious attempt but it was definitely strange - and I respect that.
I finished this just for you, Jeff... And because I felt bad in case this one was from a new member.
TBH, it gets a little better towards the end but there is no doubt now that it's a pisser. The writing is pretty crisp, a veteran probably wrote this.
When I started reading this as a pisser, I have to admit I did laugh a few times. The ending with the fat lard made my sides hurt, it was actually that stupidly funny.
The dialogue was some of the worst dialogue I've read in any script, my favourite line. LIZ (to Kevin) Gotcha good didn�t I.
Hmmm....just read this one. Can't say I knew exactly what it was about. What was Kevin' and Jack's relationship? I thought in the beginning that they were a gay couple. Why does Kevin strip down in the motel room? By adding a jewelry store (I think it was) and the photo booth you added two more locations away from the motel. That makes this not micro budget friendly. Neither does having a 6' 500lb woman crashing through the motel room door. There were lots of typos and mistakes. I'm wondering if this might be a pisstake. If not I apologize, but the reason I suspect it might be is that the author does not stay true to his own voice. For example, s/he uses both boot and trunk of the car.
Anyway, if I was a producer that asked for the OWC assignment, I would not pick this one. Reason being is lack of interesting and clear story and too expensive for my micro budget. Also there was no conclusion. It just ended, as if you didn't want to go over the 12 page maximum.
Cowboy Sam by - A supernatural being, a friend, an enemy, a deviant. Brief - Father and daughter are haunted by related specters across generations.
Locations & Sets - Exterior, desolate highway @ evening. Exterior, motel @ night. Interior, motel room @ night. Interior, jewelery shop @ day. Interior, photobooth @ Day Actors - KEVIN, 29, Jack, 40s, COWBOY SAM, LIZ, 20, MADAM PUTZ, ( Costumes - Sam’s white cowboy getup, Madam Putz’s moo-moo outfit + large hat +face net + shoes Props - lighted BANKSTEED MOTEL sign, whiskey bottle, snack bags, wrist and ankle bindings, duct tape mouth gag, wooden chair, length of rope, cigarette + lighter, “THE OCCULT” faux magazine, pen, fake vomit (can of soup works good), open hammer revolver, false wall hole, break away door to be torn off hinges, entire faux wall to fall down exposing another room Audio FX - trunk thumping, rock music, loud wall thud, smashing, grunting, Visual FX - photo flash effect, peering through wall hole effect Other - 4dr car, shop fan, wire cable + clamps to pull break away door from hinges Genre & Marketability - Thriller drama Comments - That lighted BANKSTEED MOTEL sign is gonna cost, unless someone knows how to do a Gareth Edwards sign change in AE. Critics are going to murder you over all of these -ly adjectives sprinkled with -ing adverbs. (First page alone: warily, clouding, balding, intently, anxiously, slowing, desperately, coming, & suddenly.) I don’t care, but recognize that others do, FWIW. OMFG! What part of filming in a jewelery shop, in the day, fits the given criteria? “... this here watch” not hear, as in listening. Turn off your screenwriting program’s mores and continueds feature. At the photobooth part I already know this story cannot fit within the given parameters; reading from here on is pure charity on my behalf for story’s sake rather than thoughtful analysis. Doors flying off hinges and entire walls that fall down are exactly how you begin to understand the difference between writing pie-in-the-sky stories and stories that are budget minded = likely to be produced. And I think your story got clipped by the 12 page limit. I’m not clear on Kevin’s relationship to either Jack or Liz. Script format: needs work. Final word: Unproduceable, but the fundamental idea is very interesting.
$5,000 - $7,000 Lo/Hi Estimated Budget Range / 12 Screenplay Pages = $ Estimated Cost Per Screen Minute
Adherence to Given Criteria: Odd but interesting character(s) - Cowboy Sam & Madam Putz are, no one else take refuge from a hurricane - not really in a beat-up motel - yep and are forced to make a choice - they weren’t really forced between good or evil - yep, to kill Liz in order to survive the night. - nope, not established Each character must - have some history involving a supernatural event in their lives - yep that factors into their choice. - yep Genre is open. - thriller drama This is a micro-budget short, - nope so no destruction of the motel, - not unless you wanna build a set no children or animals - yep and minimal special effects. - eh, the door thing is going to be a fair hassle BONUS! Story also included: mime(s) - nope dinosaur(s) - nope
Okay, WTH is this? If it's a joke then it's not clever enough or funny enough - even though I'll say it definitely has colour and had its moments.
Numerous and I mean numerous mistakes throughout i.e. punctuation, grammar, no FADE IN or OUT. Most definitely written in a colossal hurry - 'rilles' are depressions on a lunar landscape btw, and I see you're another who cannot differentiate between 'lies' and 'lays'. The latter are just a couple of errors amongst a 'take your pick' bunch.
The story bounces back and forth in a crazy inane fashion, but mostly I just couldn't stick with it. I did read to the end but I still fail to be enlightened.
If this is a serious attempt and you're a fifteen year old boy, I apologize for hurting your feelings, if not, then you're just taking the mickey.
This couple of lines from an inspiring piece of dialogue is definitely a contender for most ludicrous:
"Do you think they will deny you entry, take you to a back room and perform upon you a most savage rape."
I just had to read this to see what all the fuss was, as mentioned in the main thread. Normally, I usually break things down per page. I'm not going to do this here because this post would be too long. I agree that this was probably written in haste because of all the errors. The motel room scene reminded me of the one in From Dusk Til Dawn (minus the fat lady busting through the wall and the cowboy). The reason some were lost is because the writer used flashbacks, without calling them flashbacks. Glad I had some sleep last night or I would have really been lost! Still scatching my head though...
Overall, I didn't understand what was going on. I assume there is some mental figure (Cowboy Sam or Madame/Lady Lutz) that Jack and Liz see, which makes them kill people. Not a good genetic marker to hand down from generation to generation. Madame/Lady Lutz crashing through the wall and squishing Kevin cracked me up (guess I'm in a weird mood today). Strange story. Not sure how it met the criteria, but will look at it again. Thanks for making my day even more weird. Too many mistakes, but thanks for the read. Good luck and keep writing.
My Scripts: SHORTS Bed Bugs I Got The Shaft No Clowning Around Fool's Gold Five Days for Redemption
Looks like I didn't get to this one until now. I also made it a point not to read other comments because I didn't want to poison the well. That said, FADE IN. You know where it goes. KEVIN has two slugs, (and why cut off "Jack" at "Jac".? That's just odd)
Some spelling errors within the read -- and look, I know there is Cowboy Sam and his speeches, but I personally frown upon intentionallly misspelled words for the sake of speech slurs and other accent/dialect. Plain out hate it. It's still a misppelled word. It's also instructing the actor how to act. You can write in 'Cowboy Sam speaks in a southeren crawl' and leave it at that.
I liked this better as it went along, aside from the uneeded language and the substitute of 'sick' for vomit'. There were, in fact, some nice visuals. Made up a lot of ground in the read, and I wished it could have been like that throughout. But there were some nutty things such as:
Quoted Text
once he made me eat someone’s severed finger in an A&E ward.
> >
So, he made Jack eat his own finger in an emergency and accident ward, did he? Okay, it's a bit shaky, but I'll let it slide. What I won't let slide is & as I despise, more than anything, even more than intentionally misspelled words in dialog is SYMBOLS for dialog. It's no different than abbriviations.
Write the word. Don't be a slouch and you won't turn me into a grouch.
Ok.....this falls into the WTF did I just read pile. I believe this was probably done in a rush and at last minute. Overall - I'm a bit confused at everything that went on in this. Needs work, but I'm guessing through numorous comments that you already know that.
I saved this for the end because I knew it wouldn't figure into my voting. I also thought this would be a great closer.
Sir (or Ma'am), You had me at four door saloon.
Not even sure what a pi#$ take is. But this seems to be the closest thing to one this time around.
Intentionally bad or a novice writer? I am leaning towards intentionally bad.
There are just too many mistakes, typos, and obscure dialogue. Not to mention the characters themselves. That is probably the only part of the contest rules you bothered to check. Odd but interesting characters? CHECK!
Plus it just feels different than the others.
I applaud your efforts (or lack of them).
Cowboy Sam has so many weird moments in it. And we all know what they are. And I'm sure we all have our favorites.
is this a pisser? is it not a pisser? IMO it really doesn't matter.
it simply doesn't matter. i'm trying to read as many as i can before the power goes out and the writers are announced.
i did laugh at lady putz. as someone else already noted, it reminded me of the kool aid man. so thanks for the laugh.
there are simply too many mistakes to list. from grammatical/spelling errors to formatting issues. if you post the rewrite, i MIGHT take a look. but i doubt you will....
Um, what the heck?!?!?!? From the feel of it, I'm (relatively) sure it was a pisstake. And Lady Putz was kinda fun. So there's that. Kudos on the OWC...
Cowboy Sam Cowboy Sam Listen to me kick gonna rap that jam. Cruisin in my saloon down a desolate highway Storms coming soon we gotta get outa this hundai Motel Hotel...I'm finding whiskey and snacks The shit is totally free Cowboy Sam dont even charge tax So get your bitch out of the boot and tie her up tight Cuz we bout to get krunk while it's stormin thru the night Cowboy Sam Cowboy Sam Green Eggs and ham Cuz it's Sam I am One time we's cruisin through bendy He handed me a knife and this girl Cindy Her fingers were so bloody He made me eat em But Sam wanted the bestest of king sex promised to buy her that gold and diamond rolex But the boy running round in the pink undies Made him wanna eat a gun on that sunday His boots His hat, His cowboy blue jeans It made him long for his 500 lb sex queen But first a trip to the phone booth for killin Then bustin through the wall and they were chillin To Cowboy Sam.......Cowboy Sam... Listen to me I'm gonna kick that jam....
Finally got to listen and watch the Cowboy Sam video. Amazing...absolutely amazing. I've never seen a dancer with such moves before. Sign that boy up for the big time!!
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Cowboy Sam - 10/12 OWC
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