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Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC (currently 8711 views)
DustinBowcot
Posted: November 2nd, 2013, 4:08am
Guest User
This is one of those scripts I backed out of early and didn't want to offend a possible child with a bad review. Now that I know it doesn't belong to a child, I think of it as fair game. I also believe that a week is more than enough time to write a perfect short.
Page -1:
Code
GRIGOR
James, my favorite American exchange
student. You and Rayna well, yes?
The first half of page one is nicely done. It's when you move into this first piece of foreign dialogue, I cringe. It's just so clichéd, it's like I'm watching the start of a bad film (which, I suppose, I am). A few members have put it down to 'broken English', of course, for some reason, many members like to pussy-foot around you, probably because you scream a lot and are also very quick to stoop to profanity. However, it is not the broken English that is the problem here, it is the lack of character. You're simply mimicking what you've seen before in films rather than becoming the character. The character is a real person, with real motives. He wouldn't say all of that dialogue when a simple pat on the back, or half man hug would say the same thing. As it stands this dialogue is completely unrealistic and is one of the things that took me out of this before. Made me think a noob had written it and I didn't want to offend with a child score after I'd been advised by Bert that some were taking offence to it.
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They shake hands.
James takes a seat.
Is Grigor sitting too? You make no mention of that. Not all bars have seats at them. Now I'm having difficulty picturing what type of bar it is. The whole image has changed, which means you haven't done a good enough job of this earlier on. You're missing vital description.
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James turns toward the stage, as the song ends.
You said there were three stages earlier. Now he's turning to 'the' stage. Is there a specific stage we should be noticing? A particular girl that is important to the story? Perhaps a romantic interest for our hero?
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The dancers leave their stages, to applause and screams.
Apparently not.
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Fog emanates from behind a black curtain.
I'm having difficulty picturing this. How high is this curtain? Don't curtains by definition generally start at the top and end at the bottom? Then they are retracted either sideways on a rail, or lifted up... or even down? How is this smoke visible? Is it leaking through the top? You need to find a better description here.
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ANASTASIYA, 21, sexy as all Hell, jet black hair, Gothed out
to the max, appears from the fog.
The above line of action looks like a twelve-year-old has written it. WTF does Gothed-out to-the-max mean? How do I visualise this? Is she covered in piercings and a tiger tattoo, complete with whiskers, fluffy ears, complimented by black leather and spandex? How do I visualise sexy as all hell? What makes her sexy? Show don't tell.
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She slowly grinds to the eerie music, a devilish smile on
her black lips.
You shouldn't give later description after already intro'ing a character. I may have imagined her with red lipstick as I find that sexier... now you've shattered that image with revealing she's wearing black. Thanks. Rewind and start again.
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Her eyes beckon, as she sexually removes
her long black robe
'Sexually removes' comes under tell. You're trying to tell us what is happening rather than allowing the actions to reveal it. We get that anything a stripper does will be sexual... you don't need to keep reminding us. We're also back to just a single stage again.
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As the music kicks in, her movements mimic the raucous beat.
She throws her head around wildly, tracing circles over her
milk white breasts.
The crowd reacts jubilantly - fists pump in the air, Euros
rain down on the stage.
This is cheese on another level.
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GRIGOR
Behold, our newest Romanian import.
Nobody, not even a Romanian would say BEHOLD. They just wouldn't. OK, a MAGICIAN would say it. I'll give you that. Is he a magician? Did he just magic the pint out of thin air? Anything else is just cheese, poorly ripped from a B(minus) Movie.
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James turns back to Grigor, eyes wide.
No need for the word 'back' in the above sentence. Usually this means we are using 'turns to' too much. Look for alternatives. Of course though in this case, it's just unnecessary.
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As the music kicks in, her movements mimic the raucous beat.
She throws her head around wildly, tracing circles over her
milk white breasts.
The crowd reacts jubilantly - fists pump in the air, Euros
rain down on the stage.
BAR
Grigor returns with a dark, frothy pint.
GRIGOR
Behold, our newest Romanian import.
James turns back to Grigor, eyes wide.
JAMES
Damn, she's so hot, it's almost scary.
The above sequence is extremely difficult to follow. With the way the crowd go up one would believe it was the finale... then you cut to the BAR and James turns to Grigor. What is Anastasiya doing? She still doing the head spinning thing and generating lots of applause and coin? Or what? Also James' line... 'so hot, it's almost scary' is beyond cheese. You could show that just as easy by having him captivated at her head spinning technique, maybe he shoots his load while watching her dance, maybe he masturbates while she's doing it... the point is, show don't tell. That's your job.
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RAYNA
You better be scared.
You get me?
I see now why you kept the last cheesy line. Just so she can say, 'you better be scared'. Well aside from the 'You get me' being completely not in fitting with her character, you'd be far better off approaching this by having Grigor return and notice James' captivation for Anastasiya. Then have Rayna come behind James and catch him in the act. She doesn't need to catch him saying anything, ogling would be plenty.
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Grigor watches with a smile.
No, one watches with their eyes. Also who is he smiling at and why? Weirdo.
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James stands, reaches out for her hands.
She accepts.
JAMES
Oops...hi Babe.
They kiss passionately.
Well, that was easy. Considering she just caught him masturbating to another woman in a strip club, I find the above a tad unrealistic.
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GRIGOR
I leave you lovebirds alone.
Again, you tell us in dialogue something you could show us. Does he really need to say that? Why would he interrupt their passionate clinch? Isn't there a visual way that you could say this same thing? I'm not going to write it for you.
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RAYNA
Eh, I your girl now...we see later,
yes? You get me?
You get me, is a British street colloquialism. Every time you write this it reminds me of a black street thug. Or maybe even a white street thug thinking he sounds tougher using black colloquialisms. It's cool when it fits and it works... it doesn't here. She also sounds like she may be from Thailand all of a sudden. Is there a twist in this and she's actually a ladyboy?
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The music stops and the crowd goes wild.
The crowd goes wilder, surely? They were already jubilant and throwing money onto the stage, that's pretty wild. What else could they be doing that's wilder than that? Maybe they're stripping themselves? Ejaculating en masse onto the stage(s)? Show don't tell.
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CENTER STAGE
Anastasiya eyes her onlookers with a seductive smile, bows,
curtsies, and disappears back into the fog.
Now she's on centre stage... ah, I see. She disappears into the fog. What has happened to the curtain in all of this? You could also completely drop 'eyes her onlookers' from the sentence.
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Anastasiya eyes her onlookers with a seductive smile, bows,
curtsies, and disappears back into the fog.
INT. CLUB CHERVENOTO - BAR - MOMENTS LATER
James and Rayna sit together, a fresh brew in front of each.
Incredibly lazy... a 'moments later'
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Anastasiya approaches from behind, her long robe concealing
her feet, making it appear as if she's floating along.
Avoid contractions in action. There also isn't any need for the present participle of float in this sentence. A far more simple, 'Anastasiya, a long robe concealing her feet, glides to their table.' would be much better.
That's all I have for now. I'll get back to the rest of your script at a later date this has been far more taxing than I first anticipated.
Ashen arms wrap around James from behind.
Anastasiya's black
lips kiss his ear seductively.
You're doing it again. You've already given us the description of her earlier. Why, oh why, give us further description later in the story? Do we not already know that she has ashen arms and black lips? If we don't then we should. If we do, then there's no need to go over old ground. It's novelistic, as I've found the whole of this script to be so far. Which is shocking from you, considering how quick you are to belittle the efforts of new members, how long you've been doing this and your claim of abhorring mistakes, I am really, really surprised at the poor quality of work on show here.
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He recoils, quickly stands.
Rayna stands as well.
JAMES
What the fuck?
ANASTASIYA
Handsome American man, you are.
RAYNA
Hey!
He my handsome American man.
Aside from the obvious cheese factor in the above dialogue, the 'Rayna stands as well' is especially messy. Probably be better to give Rayna her own action line. Then she could have a better description of her actions than simply being the same as James'.
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Anastasiya reaches over, caresses Rayna's shoulder, pulls
her close and whispers in her ear. As she pulls away, her
tongue lingers inside her ear.
You sloppily mention 'ear' twice in the same action block. I'd suggest simply dropping the first 'in her ear', leaving it at 'whispers' would be just fine.
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James watches with a confused look on his face.
Why not, 'James watches, confused'?
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ANASTASIYA
It is Romanian custom when first
meeting such beauty. I mean no harm.
(beat)
You forgive?
I highly doubt that it is Romanian custom to stick a tongue down somebody's ear when you first meet them. Nor is it custom to seductively kiss an ear.
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Anastasiya turns to James, moves close, whispers in his ear.
James's eyes glaze over, blink several times.
Why didn't she just do that the first time? She's already had one go at his ear, she could have got him then, which would make more sense.
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LATER
All three sit together, empty shot glasses in front of each.
JAMES
So...you're seriously a witch?
You got your broomstick out back?
I see why you put a LATER in here. A poor attempt at hiding the fact that Anastasiya revealing she is a witch is totally unrealistic. How did that conversation come about? Why do you feel the incessant need to talk the plot? It's amateurish... that shouldn't be the case with how long you've been doing this. Seems to me that you've just gotten good at repeating things you read on the internet, like a parrot. A parrot can provide a semblance of coherent thought but in reality they're just hollow words, just sounds that the parrot has heard over and over again.
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ANASTASIYA
Real witches don't ride broomsticks,
my sweet. I come from long line of
witches. Not what most think.
Aside from the obvious OTN dialogue here, her final line is especially confusing. Does she mean 'not what most think' in regards to her coming from a long line of witches? Do people think she's full of shit in that respect? Or, is she speaking in regards to witches being not what most people think? as it stands it actually reads as though the former is the most likely. I'd suggest adding, 'We're' at the start of the sentence... so, we're not what most think. Even then, it's still shit, but at least it makes sense.
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Grigor leans in from behind the bar.
GRIGOR
Damn sexiest witch I ever seen.
If Grigor has been listening to the conversation this whole time then you should have mentioned that earlier. He's also suddenly changed into an American, which happens quite a lot throughout this story.
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RAYNA
Witchcraft not like you Americans
think it is.
Rayna looks to Anastasiya, grins.
RAYNA (CONT'D)
Grigor right...damn sexiest witch I
ever seen, too.
This makes no sense whatsoever. I get that she's enthralled (you might want to use that word in the future) but the above dialogue is out of place. You should delete it from the script. It adds nothing, which is something, but still a bunch of nothing.
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ANASTASIYA
So you come join me tomorrow night
at Samhain Festival? Not far from
here...maybe...uh...fifty minute
drive? Just outside Pernik.
Why is she asking them if it is a fifty minute drive? How would they know? Why is she unsure? No need for that extra information really... and if there is, it's better to show it.
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JAMES
Really?
ANASTASIYA
Really. I show you Samhain, Romanian
style. You come?
Why would he be unsure of anything if he's enthralled? Cut this and just go to them looking at each other in consideration.
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James nods as well.
JAMES
We're in, damnit!
Oh my.
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As Rayna pulls her hand back, Anastasiya takes hold
of it, licks her black lips with her bright red tongue.
Is she thirsty? Cotton-mouth? Is it suggestive? Maybe she has some food stuck to her lipstick?
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Rayna, in the sexiest red devil costume imaginable, drives.
The above style of writing is very childish. I know it's your voice... and that's really funny, but you should either grow up or drop this stuff from your writing. For example, an adult would write it similar to this, 'Rayna, in a provocative devil costume, drives'.
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RAYNA
(giggling)
Like what, Baby? You don't want too
share me with Ana? You scared?
Just the one 'o' in to.
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RAYNA
And I am as well.
You get me?
This is one of the worst attempts at individualising a character I've ever seen.
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The car speeds along a deserted, fog covered road.
What car? Fog-covered should also be hyphened.
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Two MEN emerge from the fog, both wearing black robes, holding
torches in front of them. They motion for the car to stop.
The car stops alongside them.
Rayna rolls down her window.
So not only is it now Rayna's car but it also stops speeding to neatly pull up alongside two hooded figures appearing from the fog.
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Rayna hands the piece of paper to him.
He motions forward.
MAN (CONT'D)
Follow torches. Blessed Samhain.
What torches? A minute ago it was just fog, a road and some trees. The only torches are held by the two figures, however it doesn't imply that he means to follow one of them. These torches appear out of nowhere.
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James lifts up his machete, pings his finger against the
solid metal blade.
Where the fuck did that come from? Why is he carrying it? What was the point in he going all glaze-eyed and the eye flickering shizzle back in the bar?
EXT. WOODED PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER
Some seventy-five cars are parked in the lot.
We know it's a LOT, as you told us in the slug. Also no need for 'Some' at the beginning of the sentence. Probably better not to give a specific number at all in this instance. Simpler to write, cars pack into every space... or something.
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James and Rayna walk hand in hand toward the party.
Why not just show them struggling to find a parking space and then exiting the car together?
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Behind them, the cars in the lot vanish one by one, leaving
only a few left.
No need for 'behind them', nor the word 'left' at the end. Bad grammar to have leaving and left in one sentence.
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Flames
shoot up twenty feet into the air.
No need for the word, 'up'.
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A live BAND, all in costumes, jams out heavy metal on a
makeshift stage, some two hundred feet from the fire.
What type of makeshift stage? Is it a few clothes thrown on the ground? Made of wood? Maybe you could get inventive (I know, lol) and have it constructed from intertwined tree branches.
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James' hockey mask conceals his
thoughts.
No... it conceals his face.
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Rayna starts to dance to the throbbing sounds.
Rayna dances.
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They make their way to the bar, which is really just several
tables topped with all the alcohol anyone would ever want.
A somber looking MAN in a black robe presides over the bar.
You should reword the above, it's messy. Sombre-looking should be hyphened.
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ANASTASIYA
Blessed Samhain!
The music stops, as if the electricity was cut. The throng
of people are silent...and all eyes fall to James and Rayna.
CROWD
Blessed Samhain!
The music starts back up...right where it stopped and everyone
returns to their partying ways.
James shares a nervous look with Rayna.
JAMES
What the fuck? Uhhh...how'd you do
that?
If it stopped 'as if the electricity was cut', why would he assume Anastasiya was responsible? Weird
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ANASTASIYA
Tonight you see what Samhain really
means. Tonight, we dance and we
make love, and tonight The Old One
comes to bless this sacred Sabbat.
Double face palm.
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RAYNA
Something not right...
Dialogue straight out of a 1960's Superman comic.
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James unsheathes his machete, holds it out in front of him.
He was of course expecting all along that he was being tricked by witches. How will our hero escape this week folks? I also got a chuckle from this as it sounds very much like a euphemism for he pulling out his dick...
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JAMES' P.O.V.
Blurry, undulating. The party goers watch closely...and
move forward as one. Their faces and bodies shift and
change...distort into hideous demon-like creatures.
BACK TO SCENE.
Their faces and bodies not only shift and change but they also distort. Wow. They moving forward as one would be a little difficult also.
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James swings out with his machete, making contact with the
first creature to reach him, directly in the throat.
Blood flies, and the creature is beheaded.
Fuck me... LOL. So he's drugged, all sorts of shapes going on in front of him... he knows he's on drugs but he believes that these partygoers are now monsters for real, without question and he's now beheading them. Have you played GTA5? This scene reminds me of the spliff-toking missions. Hilarious. Not only that, but he only needs to swing that machete once and the head is gone. Does he work for Al Qa’ida by any chance? If he doesn't... that's a pretty impressive resume, I'm sure.
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The Bartender leaps over the tables, grabs James from behind.
Earlier you called those tables a bar, now they're back to tables again. I'd get rid of the bar altogether and make the Bartender a Doorman instead.
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James spins, slices his belly open in a torrent of blood.
Fair play. Behead the first one, spin and hit the second, slicing open his belly (abdomen) all while completely drugged out of his mind. This guy sounds like a complete lunatic. Even if the twist at the end is that he's a lunatic, it's still shit as he is only armed with a machete.
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The door slams shut with a solid thud behind Anastasiya.
No need for 'with a solid thud' in the above sentence.
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GRIGOR
Sometimes eyes don't really see,
yes? You never know who people are.
No need for the last line of dialogue.
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GRIGOR
Your seed, James...we want your seed.
You virgin, yes? You kill your love,
Rayna, and then plant your seed in
Anastasiya. Simple, yes?
Exposition. Why talk the plot when you can show us?
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She falls to her knees...and transforms into Rayna.
Surprise, surprise.
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GRIGOR
Now we have pure virgin who kill his
love. My daughter take your seed
and Horned One will be born again
unto this world.
Yes, yes... we know all that.
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ANASTASIYA
I get you hard now, yes? We make
love all night in the Old One's name.
James screams!
Doesn't seem that terrible to me. Losing your virginity isn't that frightening.
All in all I found this story to be overwritten junk. I don't care about a seven day deadline, there isn't any excuse for this level of error. The story is weak, poorly contrived and badly written. I have no other choice but to award this story with a triple face palm.
Dustin, thanks so much for all the insanely detailed feedback. I got a good laugh out of it, and I thank you starting my SAturday out right.
THere are a number of "corrections" you mentioned that are actually correct - a word here, a word there that don't need to be included. If any of these cost me a line, i'll look into adding.deleting them.
Sounds to me like you're quite the worldy guy, huh? You've got the accents/dialects/etc. down for 90% of the world, most likely...or, maybe , more likely is that you've never travelled more than 1,000 miles from the hole you call home.
Sorry you had such trouble on the dialogue, but the reality is that characters can speak anyway they want to, and you, or anyone else, really can't say that someone wouldn't say this or that.
As for the cliche and immature comments that you brought up repeatedly, I'm not really sure how to take that, coming from a guy who just wrote a short about trolls and dwarves involved in internet bullying. You know?
I always appreciate input but when it's so blatantly obvious that you mean to hurt and put down, I'm much less appreciative and/or interested in what you have to say. But hey, you spent some time doing this, so I hope you enjoyed yourself.
Your comments about me being a parrot are ridiculous and the vast majority of peeps know that 100%.
I've probably seen more movies in the last 2 years than you've seen in your life, so again, your insights into what works and what doesn't, doesn't hold much weight with me, bro.
Finally, let's address the cheese. Cheese works quite well with horror, when it's done properly. Is it done properly here? Not completely, but I'm cool with it.
Thanks again for all the great advice and sage wisdom.
Dustin, let it go, bro. It's Saturday here. I don't have the time or the interest in responding to you anymore.
You're obviously a writing genius. You've proven that point time and time again in your flawless works. True genius.
Thanks again for all your help here on my script and all the other writers you do so much for.
As I've stated... if you can find anything in my review that you'd like to refute, then do so. That's exactly what you do for everyone else, I'm returning the favour. I can quote you from Kevin's thread where you argue that his lack of responses to your review made your points in that review correct by default. I assume it goes the same for you.
Dustin, my "review" of Kevin's script was a few paragrpahs long, not 3 entire posts where you try and pick apart single words here and there that have no bearing on the script.
You find it ridiculously cliche, cheesy, juvenile, and all around terribly written. That's cool. That's great. You're a Hell of a writer, and that's clear.
There's nothing to refute, as I said, I don't have time or the interest. Are you OK with that, or is this how you spend your weekends? Why don't you do something with your kids - I'm sure they miss their Daddy time.
Dustin, my "review" of Kevin's script was a few paragrpahs long, not 3 entire posts where you try and pick apart single words here and there that have no bearing on the script.
Point them out or you are simply lying.
Quoted from Dreamscale
You find it ridiculously cliche, cheesy, juvenile, and all around terribly written. That's cool. That's great.
I thought this was a pretty fun dive away from some of the other stuff you've written. It looks like you did run out of some room for the story here considering the end, which left me scratching my head some. Don't know if you're really taking this one too seriously to end it right, but overall I thought this was pretty cool.
I'm surprised you didn't get a little October Rust in there, lol!
I like the settings but didn't care much for the main Protag, James -
Should've used a more generic name, like Jeff.
Good job for an OWC. I, myself a James, could think of worse ways to go. The writing was solid, as expected. I was a tad confused when James started beheading monsters at the festival. I was going to think he killed Rayne right then and there. Waking from his drug induced coma to find her body next to his, but you handled it well enough. Anastayia was a delicious enough character and I'm sure whe was fun to write.
Overall, good job. Had an authentic feel to it like someone who did their reaearch.
A ten page horror script where the horror doesn't begin until page eight? This doesn't really work for me. Eight pages of people bullshitting in a bar, followed by one quick scene of violence, doesn't a horror script make.
I also don't understand why you chose to use Samhain. It has nothing to do with the story. Samnhain marks the end of the harvest season; it's a Celtic holiday. You might as well have called this script Donkey Kong, Romanian Style. It makes as much sense.
Your characters were two dimensional. I couldn't describe what any of them would be like outside this story.
I usually post on the whys and hows of my OWC scripts and will here as well...as soon as I can. I've been busy with work and as the thread shows, busy with some"personal" issues, which I've tried very hard not to take issue with.
But, I do want to respond to my friend Phil's last post just to clear some stuff up for those not in the know, like Phil, it appears.
Quoted from dogglebe
A ten page horror script where the horror doesn't begin until page eight? This doesn't really work for me. Eight pages of people bullshitting in a bar, followed by one quick scene of violence, doesn't a horror script make.
Phil, actually, there's about 4 1/2 pages of people bullshitting in a bar, not 8. I wanted Anastaysia's intro to have some power, and elude to the "horror" that would follow. Sorry that didn't work for you.
Quoted from dogglebe
I also don't understand why you chose to use Samhain. It has nothing to do with the story. Samnhain marks the end of the harvest season; it's a Celtic holiday. You might as well have called this script Donkey Kong, Romanian Style. It makes as much sense.
Actually, you're incorrect, and a few other posters were incorrect as well.
Samhain may well originally have been a Celtic Holiday that marked the end of the harvest season, but in modern times, it's much more than that to Pagans and Witches.
Neopagans and Wiccans celebrate a variation of Samhain as one of the yearly Sabbats of the Wheel of the Year. It is deemed to be the most important of the four "greater Sabbats". I took some liberty with this particular sect and the reasons for their celebration, but the reality is that unless you happen to hang with these kind of peeps, I don't think anyone really knows what goes on and why.
Quoted from dogglebe
Your characters were two dimensional. I couldn't describe what any of them would be like outside this story.Phil
This I agree with for the most part. I happen to like Rayna, but James is pretty flat. I had to make some cuts...actually alot of cuts, as I just assumed the challenge was 12 pages and didn't realize my mistake until I had the script basically done.
Guilty as charged.
Thanks for chiming in...I didn't know you were reading and commenting on this batch of OWC scripts - maybe you did this as a special favor, just for little old me...or big old me? LOL...
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Samhain, Romanian Style - OWC
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