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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Silver Sky - Optioned Moderators: bert
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  Author    Silver Sky - Optioned  (currently 664 views)
Don
Posted: May 20th, 2018, 12:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Silver Sky by Verity Van Dams & Austin Valdez - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Horror, Series - A jaded introvert, haunted by her past, and twin brother join a secret society in order to protect their hometown from land developers, an opposing society of radicals and monsters. 55 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  June 4th, 2019, 7:47pm
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AustinT
Posted: May 22nd, 2018, 2:46am Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the post, Don,

Hope the readers enjoy it!
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Forgive
Posted: May 30th, 2018, 5:59pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Austin, I seen you feeding back here quite often, so I had this as a side read, but I'm really not sure what to make of it. I didn't get through that many pages, but it feels like an over-cooked Shane Black. In some ways I liked the opening even though I felt maybe you tried to make the writing over stylistic, but then it kinda sinks a little?? I'll give it another read and try get back to you on it, okay?
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AustinT
Posted: May 30th, 2018, 7:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey-  Thanks for the read!


Quoted Text
I didn't get through that many pages, but it feels like an over-cooked Shane Black. In some ways I liked the opening even though I felt maybe you tried to make the writing over stylistic, but then it kinda sinks a little??


I think I understand what you mean, maybe a little more clarification is needed. Are you saying the consistency of the "over-writing" style drops off after the opening?

Surely, if the over-writing is a problem, I'll look into fixing that.

Looking forward to hearing more!

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AustinT  -  May 30th, 2018, 7:51pm
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Dustin
Posted: May 31st, 2018, 2:38am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

DISCLAIMER: If you have vertigo this isnít the best place to
be.



Not exactly overwriting, just crap.


Code

A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance...



out in the distance? Is it out, or is it in? Inny or outy? Of course, it should simply be an inny. Out is superfluous and counts as overwriting.

I'm not interested in the story, only the writing. In fact, I haven't even read the logline. I read 'overwriting' and wanted to take a look.



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Dustin
Posted: May 31st, 2018, 3:00am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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Code

A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance, the road vibrates, it
builds, growing closer...



I was about to close the tab, but then the rest of the sentence caught my eye.

A low rumble in the distance, the road vibrates, it builds...

the road builds? I get what you mean, but the sentence, when read as is, tells us that the road builds and grows closer. I'm assuming it's the rumble that 'builds and grows closer'. Needs a restructure.

In fact, I had to read the next couple of sentences to get what you're talking about... and, it's a car. A fucking car. I thought at first a storm, then an earthquake, then noticed this was the sci-fi section so a UFO... but no, it's a car. All that for a car? Why would the road vibrate before a car gets there? What car makes a low rumble? Sorry, a LOW RUMBLE?


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Forgive
Posted: May 31st, 2018, 6:19pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hey Austin, look, this needs a re-write, and I really don't want to discourage you coz I think there's something there, but it needs a re-think too, and I hope you're the type that can take that on board.

I'm trying to read through it and I'm trying to figure out where the key is, but I keep on getting lost on or in it.

Let me take you through one part of it and see if you get where I'm coming from:

Bottom of page 8 through page 9 -

We have a drive-in; we know that because you have said that, and that is where I've visually located myself.
We have a blinding sun. The blinding sun is blinding a neon sign.
The neon sign says something.
A drive in theatre. We have a drive-in theatre.
The drive-in theatre's set outside of town.
The drive-in theatre that is not in town is isolated.
The drive in theatre that is not in town that is isolated is not the best looking drive-in theatre.
Saying that the drive in theatre is not the best looking place is not a nice thing to say but true.
IT IS RED AND IT IS WHITE AND IT IS ART DECO.
Something about nostalgia for Hollywood that doesn't make sense.
Oscar stands outside the drive-in.
Oh, Oscar's there. Okay.
So is Oscar standing outside a delapidated Art Deco drive-in? Now I got what your saying!

...so it's an awful lot to say just a little, and I think the creativity is in summing up that scene spot on in just a few words, not taking us round the houses - let me know if this makes sense to you, cos after chopping through the woods I think there's you've an ability, just maybe you need to simplify things a little???
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AustinT
Posted: May 31st, 2018, 9:13pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
DISCLAIMER: If you have vertigo this isnít the best place to
be.



Not exactly overwriting, just crap.


Code
A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance...



out in the distance? Is it out, or is it in? Inny or outy? Of course, it should simply be an inny. Out is superfluous and counts as overwriting.

I'm not interested in the story, only the writing. In fact, I haven't even read the logline. I read 'overwriting' and wanted to take a look.




Dustin - Thanks for the look! I appreciate the honesty! I'll definitely fix these type of things.  



Quoted Text
Hey Austin, look, this needs a re-write, and I really don't want to discourage you coz I think there's something there, but it needs a re-think too, and I hope you're the type that can take that on board.

I'm trying to read through it and I'm trying to figure out where the key is, but I keep on getting lost on or in it.

Let me take you through one part of it and see if you get where I'm coming from:

Bottom of page 8 through page 9 -

We have a drive-in; we know that because you have said that, and that is where I've visually located myself.
We have a blinding sun. The blinding sun is blinding a neon sign.
The neon sign says something.
A drive in theatre. We have a drive-in theatre.
The drive-in theatre's set outside of town.
The drive-in theatre that is not in town is isolated.
The drive in theatre that is not in town that is isolated is not the best looking drive-in theatre.
Saying that the drive in theatre is not the best looking place ...



Forgive - Of course I can take this! How else am I going to improve?  

I get what you're saying. Brevity is the soul of wit. I think I was so concerned with trying bring a flare to my writing in order to make it more fun to read, but it sounds like it was more of a hindrance than it was an attribute.

When you say a "re-think", I assume you're talking about the story? Could you elaborate?

When I post the re-write, would you be willing to take a second glance?


Thank you both for the honest feedback!
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AustinT
Posted: May 31st, 2018, 9:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted Text
In fact, I had to read the next couple of sentences to get what you're talking about... and, it's a car. A fucking car. I thought at first a storm, then an earthquake, then noticed this was the sci-fi section so a UFO... but no, it's a car. All that for a car? Why would the road vibrate before a car gets there? What car makes a low rumble? Sorry, a LOW RUMBLE?


I can understand your contention with this and I think it'd be in my best interest to change it.

What I was going for was a sense of discovery on the part of the reader. Questioning what the LOW RUMBLE was coming from, to me, was part of the fun.

But if it elicits a negative reaction - well, anything to make it it better then.
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Don
Posted: June 4th, 2019, 7:47pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Austin got this optioned under his own steam.  


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: June 5th, 2019, 8:00pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Philostrate
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:50pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats, Austin!


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StevenClark
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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Great job! My own steam never got me anything optioned. Maybe a few cross looks but thatís about it.


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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 6th, 2019, 5:15pm Report to Moderator
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Congrats!


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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