Silver Sky by Verity Van Dams & Austin Valdez - Sci Fi, Fantasy, Horror, Series - A jaded introvert, haunted by her past, and twin brother join a secret society in order to protect their hometown from land developers, an opposing society of radicals and monsters. 55 pages - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work

Thanks for the post, Don,

Hope the readers enjoy it!

Hi Austin, I seen you feeding back here quite often, so I had this as a side read, but I'm really not sure what to make of it. I didn't get through that many pages, but it feels like an over-cooked Shane Black. In some ways I liked the opening even though I felt maybe you tried to make the writing over stylistic, but then it kinda sinks a little?? I'll give it another read and try get back to you on it, okay?

Hey-  Thanks for the read!

Quoted Text I didn't get through that many pages, but it feels like an over-cooked Shane Black. In some ways I liked the opening even though I felt maybe you tried to make the writing over stylistic, but then it kinda sinks a little??

I think I understand what you mean, maybe a little more clarification is needed. Are you saying the consistency of the "over-writing" style drops off after the opening?

Surely, if the over-writing is a problem, I'll look into fixing that.

Looking forward to hearing more!

Code DISCLAIMER: If you have vertigo this isn’t the best place to be.

Not exactly overwriting, just crap.

Code A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance...

out in the distance? Is it out, or is it in? Inny or outy? Of course, it should simply be an inny. Out is superfluous and counts as overwriting.

I'm not interested in the story, only the writing. In fact, I haven't even read the logline. I read 'overwriting' and wanted to take a look.

Code A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance, the road vibrates, it builds, growing closer...

I was about to close the tab, but then the rest of the sentence caught my eye.

A low rumble in the distance, the road vibrates, it builds...

the road builds? I get what you mean, but the sentence, when read as is, tells us that the road builds and grows closer. I'm assuming it's the rumble that 'builds and grows closer'. Needs a restructure.

In fact, I had to read the next couple of sentences to get what you're talking about... and, it's a car. A fucking car. I thought at first a storm, then an earthquake, then noticed this was the sci-fi section so a UFO... but no, it's a car. All that for a car? Why would the road vibrate before a car gets there? What car makes a low rumble? Sorry, a LOW RUMBLE?

Hey Austin, look, this needs a re-write, and I really don't want to discourage you coz I think there's something there, but it needs a re-think too, and I hope you're the type that can take that on board.

I'm trying to read through it and I'm trying to figure out where the key is, but I keep on getting lost on or in it.

Let me take you through one part of it and see if you get where I'm coming from:

Bottom of page 8 through page 9 -

We have a drive-in; we know that because you have said that, and that is where I've visually located myself.
We have a blinding sun. The blinding sun is blinding a neon sign.
The neon sign says something.
A drive in theatre. We have a drive-in theatre.
The drive-in theatre's set outside of town.
The drive-in theatre that is not in town is isolated.
The drive in theatre that is not in town that is isolated is not the best looking drive-in theatre.
Saying that the drive in theatre is not the best looking place is not a nice thing to say but true.
IT IS RED AND IT IS WHITE AND IT IS ART DECO.
Something about nostalgia for Hollywood that doesn't make sense.
Oscar stands outside the drive-in.
Oh, Oscar's there. Okay.
So is Oscar standing outside a delapidated Art Deco drive-in? Now I got what your saying!

...so it's an awful lot to say just a little, and I think the creativity is in summing up that scene spot on in just a few words, not taking us round the houses - let me know if this makes sense to you, cos after chopping through the woods I think there's you've an ability, just maybe you need to simplify things a little???

Quoted Text DISCLAIMER: If you have vertigo this isn’t the best place to be. Not exactly overwriting, just crap. Code A LOW RUMBLE out in the distance... out in the distance? Is it out, or is it in? Inny or outy? Of course, it should simply be an inny. Out is superfluous and counts as overwriting. I'm not interested in the story, only the writing. In fact, I haven't even read the logline. I read 'overwriting' and wanted to take a look.

Dustin - Thanks for the look! I appreciate the honesty! I'll definitely fix these type of things.  

Quoted Text Hey Austin, look, this needs a re-write, and I really don't want to discourage you coz I think there's something there, but it needs a re-think too, and I hope you're the type that can take that on board. I'm trying to read through it and I'm trying to figure out where the key is, but I keep on getting lost on or in it. Let me take you through one part of it and see if you get where I'm coming from: Bottom of page 8 through page 9 - We have a drive-in; we know that because you have said that, and that is where I've visually located myself. We have a blinding sun. The blinding sun is blinding a neon sign. The neon sign says something. A drive in theatre. We have a drive-in theatre. The drive-in theatre's set outside of town. The drive-in theatre that is not in town is isolated. The drive in theatre that is not in town that is isolated is not the best looking drive-in theatre. Saying that the drive in theatre is not the best looking place ...

Forgive - Of course I can take this! How else am I going to improve?  

I get what you're saying. Brevity is the soul of wit. I think I was so concerned with trying bring a flare to my writing in order to make it more fun to read, but it sounds like it was more of a hindrance than it was an attribute.

When you say a "re-think", I assume you're talking about the story? Could you elaborate?

When I post the re-write, would you be willing to take a second glance?


Thank you both for the honest feedback!

Quoted Text In fact, I had to read the next couple of sentences to get what you're talking about... and, it's a car. A fucking car. I thought at first a storm, then an earthquake, then noticed this was the sci-fi section so a UFO... but no, it's a car. All that for a car? Why would the road vibrate before a car gets there? What car makes a low rumble? Sorry, a LOW RUMBLE?

I can understand your contention with this and I think it'd be in my best interest to change it.

What I was going for was a sense of discovery on the part of the reader. Questioning what the LOW RUMBLE was coming from, to me, was part of the fun.

But if it elicits a negative reaction - well, anything to make it it better then.

Austin got this optioned under his own steam.  

Congrats!

Congrats, Austin!

Great job! My own steam never got me anything optioned. Maybe a few cross looks but that’s about it.

Congrats!