Interesting way to control health-care costs. Amanda has obviously been in therapy a long time (costing the insurance company a ton of money), so you'd think she'd embrace any new therapy that promises to alleviate her misery. And why did Dr. Kee suddenly turn from helpful therapist to killer? It would be more believable if he'd just been assigned Amanda's case by the insurance company because of his unique therapeutic approach. And using high-tech dolls as the vehicle to delete Amanda seems like elaborate overkill.

This is dark as Hell! My kind of stuff.

Very creative. Some really good imagery.

Not a fan of Dr. Kee's dialog. It's not awful, but it's kind of bland. Could be punched up a bit more I think.

Like the ending. It's a satisfying gut-punch. Lol

Still, one of the better ones so far IMO.

OK, so hopefully, you  won't take this the wrong way, but your opening Slug can be so much better...so easily...just take out "PSYCHIATRIC"   Why ad that?  You don't need to.

Same thing in 1st passage - why add "ethnicity"?  No reason.

2rd passage, way overwritten.  Visual writing and some detail is good, but this is too much.

3th passage is getting awkward.

4th passage is visual, but you can do the exact same thing in 3 lines, not 4.

Well, although cool, glass will not form around anyone's arse.

"He takes seat at the opposite sofa." - Oh now...I need to look back at every time I bring this up, because it must be the same writer - why...oh why, don't you have "a" in  front of seat?  Why?  Seriously...why?

OK, sorry, but I'm not buying any of this, for some reason...just seems kind of far fetched, but maybe it's just me.

WOW...FADE TO BLACK totally misformatted...and really just a big turn off.

"The psychiatrist room slowly LIGHTENS." - Just about as awkward and not good as I can think of.  Poorly written.

"Both Keithes" - WTF?  Why is there an "e" in here?  I'm lost, sorry to say.

So, we go BLACK again and never FADE back IN?  Is the rest of this supposed to be all OVER BLACK?

OK, so I guess I kind of get it and I guess there is a story here, although completely ludicrous, in terms of a reality based plot.

Story - Yes, there is a story here.
Characters - Ummm...I don't know.
Dialogue - Not terrible...I guess.
Prose - Not terrible, as in the read, but lots of rookie misteks
Criteria - Sci Fi horror and bobbleheads - well...yeah, sure, I guess.

This is another one that may score better than it should.  It's not good, IMO, but it squeaks by, so that's points.

Terrific premise.

I just felt a bit let down that the story promised didn't eventuate. You set it up nicely but then introduce a twist which negated the main conflict.

Bobblehead use was good initially but I wanted to see them in a virtual face-off.
Your denouement seems all about meshing that second genre but was strangely anticlimactic.

A good idea that needs developing more imho.

The writing is a little clunky, but eff me, I love the visuals of the first few action blocks. In fact the only thing that took me out of the read to write this in the little message box here is that you put RINGS in uppercase. It's not wrong, I just hate that shit. It's unnecessary.

If you don't do that shit and just write 'rings'... then later in the story say somebody gets shot unexpectedly then you can add something like BANG! As this will have more impact.

Old Skool scripts may have used this shit.. apparently so the sound guy knew where the effects were... but it's unnecessary and not needed today. Use uppercase sparingly. You may never need one. It's not like a script needs at least one. However, there will be rare moments when it will help give your writing more impact. Just using them will nilly nullifies impact and becomes format. Ew.

Does this shit matter, you might ask? Only if you want to perfect your craft, IMO.


Oh yeah... also 'stands still' at the window tripped me up. I thought to myself, well, if he was dancing at the window you would have written that. That he is still can be construed from the fact that he is standing at the window. If he was shaking, you'd write that. I ignored that though for favour of building the image. Funny how I can let that fly but then the uppercase takes me out of the read. Now he also CLAPS his hands.

Code AMANDA BECKER, 38, pale, long brown hair, comes in.

Comes in... a teacup? Sorry... but whenever you get the urge to write 'comes in' just give yourself a mental slap. There has to be a better way to describe her entry in to the room.

She 'makes' small steps?

Code Dr. Kee gets up, turns his back on her and makes some steps.

What?

A lot in this story tripped me up. I think this is an ESL writer. There are flashes of greatness in the opening. The visual writing, despite some errors, is very good in the opening. Later however, it collpases. The story comes out of nowhere and goes nowhere. Written without any idea of where it was going in the first place. A 'write it and see' attitude. Unfortunately, this hasn't worked for you this time.