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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Redemption - WT4 Moderators: Mr. Blonde
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2019, 10:37pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Redemption by Warren Duncan (Warren)  writing as The Last Action Writer - Short, Action - A dirty cop finds redemption while helping a teen girl survive the new world order. - pdf format

Writer interested in feedback on this work



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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  July 24th, 2019, 1:44pm
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Matthew Taylor
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 7:24am Report to Moderator
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Hello writer

Very good writing - descriptive, clear, easy to follow action.

Ha! indeed, why wasn't the priest called to heaven.

Ah yes, nice use of the cards - the old stop the bullet trick. I wonder if that's a movie thing or if it would stop it in real life? I doubt it, a bit like how in movie land, all car doors are reinforced and stop bullets.

I like this story - I do have questions though, like why were the soldiers after her? it's been 12 days since the rapture and they are organised and hunting people? why is the cop so important that they have to send this many soldiers to get him? - these revelations are victims of the page limit I think.

A hint of character development - but most of it is off screen. I.E he says he is a crooked cop, but he's a good guy since he is helping this stranger.

Overall, given the parameters and the time limit - a solid effort from a great writer.



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Gary in Houston
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 7:14pm Report to Moderator
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Story is well-written and meets all the parameters so good job there. Takes a topic not dealt with very often (the Rapture) and gives it an interesting spin. The bullet into the tin can thing is a pretty well known trope so no bonus points for that, but still good pacing and good back and forth between the characters here.

I guess I don't get the ending -- here, you have an instance where the trading cards in the tin can helped save Jackson's life, and Cora just casually tosses them as they drive away. What is the message you're trying to convey there?  It feels like they would have even more meaning to her after that, not to cut ties with the cards in a quick instant. What I would have found a little more interesting is that Jackson now has become attached to the cards and the tin because it saved his life, and so he now becomes a bit possessive of the cards.  Just a thought.

Overall, good job here.

Best of luck,
Gary


An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
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JEStaats
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:01pm Report to Moderator
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No sh*t, there I was....

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First read of round four and I hope this is one of the better entries; otherwise my entry is going to be near the bottom. Very impressed with the writing, character building and dialog. Met the challenge, so all very high scores.

Only one issue: If everyone in the story is a 'leftover', why are they so intent on getting these two people? Also didn't quite get the 666 reference. It's the mark of the beast so does that mean all the lefties are beasts?

Regardless, good stuff here. Congrats.

P.S. Didn't mind the tin can bullet catcher at all!
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eldave1
Posted: June 25th, 2019, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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CLean and crisp writing - easy to understand.

Meets the parameters for sure.

Nicely done.


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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Dustin
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 2:24am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


Action speaks louder...

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The writing only tripped me up a few times. The story doesn't seem to come full circle. Aside from that, this is very well done. Pretty much just action all the way through.

Many writers here seem to think that so long as you have a fight scene at the end that you have an action story.

Nice work.


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PrussianMosby
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 4:00pm Report to Moderator
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Redemption

P3/4 they may have watched for a window or any kind of escape way before having that dialogue about belief ;-) … but hey, it's a movie, right?

The cards, working as a shield, reminded me of the ciggy explosion beat from last round. Nice blockbuster over the top stuff.

Cool ending pictures - you definitely know how it's done. The little scenario was that contained and close to character that I didn't care for the 'how did it actually come to this' question. A very well developed scrpit for 72 hours. I liked it. Well done, you definitely kept things moving...



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Spqr
Posted: June 27th, 2019, 6:48pm Report to Moderator
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Excellent.
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Pale Yellow
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 10:18am Report to Moderator
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Love your title and logline.

Really good writing on display here.

I'm not sure they would have such conversation over the cards/parents etc while this is going on right outside.

I love this little story. Really good... would love to know more about Cora I guess and the cop... but in five pages... think you did as much as you could.

Great story.
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: June 28th, 2019, 4:16pm Report to Moderator
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Another really strong entry.

Criteria all met well, action concise and cinematic.

Lead characters are well drawn, though not sure why Cora was not saved?

The uber organised military seems a stretch, or rather they're not really well explained - but it's 5 pages so hey.

Yep, cracking read.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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PKCardinal
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 12:08pm Report to Moderator
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Pretty much a straight action piece, though you did a good job giving us some of the backstory.

Dead priest and the surrounding dialogue were the highlights.

You've created an interesting world and written it well. The story was the least interesting part for me. Still, it was solid.

I think I'd like to see the 10 page version of this. I bet I'd really like that one.

Alas, maybe that'll be the next challenge.

Good job.


PaulKWrites.com

60 Feet Under - Low budget, contained thriller/Feature
The Hand of God - Low budget, semi-contained thriller/Feature
Wait Till Next Year - Disney-style family sports comedy/Feature

Many shorts available for production: comedy, thriller, drama, light horror
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Zack
Posted: July 1st, 2019, 3:07pm Report to Moderator
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Don't get it right. Get it written.

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Really good action here. Story and characters are pretty good too.

No hang ups writing wise for me. Great work.


An example of my writing...

FOR SATAN - short, horror, 14 pgs (revised draft) - A group of thrill-seekers explore a creepy old house on Halloween night. Think you know this story? Think again.
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jayrex
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 11:50am Report to Moderator
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Cut to three weeks earlier

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I really like this one.  Enjoyable to read.  Meets the criteria and then some.  A nice take on the objective.


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LC
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 10:48pm Report to Moderator
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Warren, I missed this first time around so gave it a read.

Wow, it's no wonder you came out on top!
Well deserved Number 1 spot.


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Warren
Posted: July 7th, 2019, 11:57pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


A man who has taught his mind to misbehave

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Quoted from LC
Warren, I missed this first time around so gave it a read.

Wow, it's no wonder you came out on top!
Well deserved Number 1 spot.


Thanks, Libby.

Appreciate it


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