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I think this is a decently written piece by a very capable writer. But turning the boys into bank robbers (and attempted cop killers) donít make them very sympathetic despite how their fathers treated them.
I think you tried to disguise the fact that the young Clint and Johnny turned into the bank robbers by not using FLASHBACK to open their scenes. Thatís a bit of a cheat and I donít think it really accomplishes anything. I probably would have felt better about you using the flashback designation and then weaving the stories together a little better. As it stands, thereís not really a twist or surprise. The card also really never factors into the story other than to try and force a connection onto the two boys. But since neither of them ever used the card and left it to basically deteriorate in the church, was there really any meaning in the card itself?
While writing is very good here, I just didnít necessarily buy into the storyline.
Best of luck, Gary
An utterly mediocre writer who somehow still falls bass ackwards into getting some of his scripts produced.
This was written well enough and meets the challenge, no sweat. The 'twist' was an obvious turn for me. No real surprise. The boys, talking about good being out there, were little creeps and I didn't care for them much. Dialog was a bit sappy in places but there were some good lines to be had too.
For some reason, I envisioned this with their childhood in the 1920's and young adults in late 1930's. Driving big Packards, shooting revolvers and the cops with Thompsons. I don't know why, it just showed up in my head that way.
Yes! You started right in the thick of it on page 1, which I think a decent Action script should do. Or, at least start with only a short build up when it's a five minute Short.
The 'older' bit flummoxed me at first and I wasn't sure who was who. I do think more clarity is needed in the writing there.
Most of your action descriptions were pretty good but some I thought needed ramping up, case in point:
The Driver pours on the speed. The car drifts with every bump, barely maintaining contact with the road.
Pours? It's okay, but you want verbs that jump with your action, imh. The Driver accelerates Driver plants his foot on the gas, hits the gas, guns it, cranks it, ... The Car blasts through an intersection, 'drifts' is too sedate a word for action, in my world.
Barely maintaining ? Again, too laboured. Perhaps the car clips something, hits a bump, becomes airborne.
Just suggestions. Yours resonated, made me feel it more cause it's got heart combined with action.
I'm torn with them ultimately being bad guys but it's all in the upbringing I suppose.
Why no flashback's for this? Maybe you thought it would give the story away too early - maybe it would for someone reading the script, but a viewer wouldn't see FLASHBACK, they would just see the scene. The flashback would be for the producer, so it is crystal clear - just my opinion.
Same thing with the characters DRIVER and GUNMAN - the producer needs to know who these characters are from the start, revealing their names early in the script would not reveal them early to the viewer, so would keep that story element alive.... or I could be wrong, who knows.
Writing is great, story is great - thoroughly enjoyable read. I think as a movie it would be pretty damn good too.
Dialogue at the end is a bit too gushy for my liking - but you put their friendship across very well and the final image of them together was very fitting.
top p3 I think I know where it's going :-) now it comes to the 'how'
All right. Lots to say hereÖ First, it reminded me a lot of The Way of the Gun. Two friends, a criminal history, a late firework, and eventually some pathos in their united fate when reflecting life before it all ends.
Truly great. I even like the 'cheesy' dialogue in the last scene, felt human and fit well considering these people's arc ending soon at this place with the inevitable; epic needs epic. Thumbs up.
I can understand that you haven't marked the flashbacks. I'd wish it would become state of the art because it's just a better, more enjoyable story experience to follow the plot exactly as the audience does. So, why not leave it to the shooting draft and production side to include such stuff. I absolutely understand your decision here and applaud you for it.
It had a lot of heart. The execution felt like custom-tailored.
LOVE your character development... best I've read yet in this challenge. The two boys remind me of the boys in the movie MUD. Dialogue sounds so natural and organic the way you've set them up. Really nice work.
Wow and that moment when the Gunman says take me to the church... hits us like a COLLISION. Great midpoint!
And then we realize it's their older selves we are watching OMG this is amazing.
OH super wow... I wish I could write like this! GREAT job.
Holy misleading time-jumps, Batman! Clever setup. The church and the trading card both get some attention, and it's definitely an action script, so no problems with the criteria. That's especially impressive since you don't seem to know anything about baseball. The kids sound like teens to me, but maybe kids are just growing faster these days. Get off my lawn You shouldn't change the labels for character dialouge just because we've finally learned their names. Seems to be acceptable if a character was in disguise, but in your case I would have continued calling them GUNMAN and DRIVER. They are distinct from CLINT and JOHNNY since the kids would be played by different actors. Also, "Older Clint" implies an elderly man. "Adult Clint" would be clearer. Nice way to cram a lot of story into five pages... despite there being a lot of action.