SimplyScripts Discussion Board
Blog Home - Produced Movie Script Library - TV Scripts - Unproduced Scripts - Contact - Site Map
ScriptSearch
Welcome, Guest.
It is October 23rd, 2019, 11:53am
Please login or register.
Was PortalRecent PostsHome Help Calendar Search Register Login
If you wish to join this discussion board, please send me a message. Please do read the guidelines that govern behavior on the discussion board. It will make for a much more pleasant experience for everyone. A word about SimplyScripts and Censorship


Scripts Studios are posting for award consideration
The October OWC results


Short Script of the Day | Featured Script of the Month | Featured Short Scripts Available for Production | Submit Your Script

How do I get my film's link and banner here?
All screenplays on the simplyscripts.com and simplyscripts.net domain are copyrighted to their respective authors. All rights reserved. This screenplaymay not be used or reproduced for any purpose including educational purposes without the expressed written permission of the author.
Forum Login
Username: Create a new Account
Password:     Forgot Password

SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Screenwriting Discussion    The 2019 Writers' Tournament  ›  Duel in the Desert - WT5 Moderators: Mr. Blonde, Moderator
Users Browsing Forum
No Members and 1 Guests

 Pages: 1
Recommend Print
  Author    Duel in the Desert - WT5  (currently 208 views)
Don
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
Administrator
Administrator


So, what are you writing?

Location
Virginia
Posts
13354
Posts Per Day
1.95
Duel in the Desert by Hermann Buhl - Never invade a planet whose inhabitants are crazier than you. - Short, Sci Fi


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.


-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
Logged
Site Private Message
Warren
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 9:17pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Sydney, Australia
Posts
2676
Posts Per Day
2.16
Hi writer,


Quoted Text
NEVADA DESERT


If this particular location is important put it in a SUPER.


Quoted Text
The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its
426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at
Little Bighorn


None of this belongs in a script, not even as an aside or unfilmable, it just has no place.


Quoted Text
CARLOS and CHARLIE are identical twins in their early 20s.


Unnessesarly overwritten.

The dialogue needs some work, it's not natural at all.


Quoted Text
P0V


POV with a O not a zero.

This needs work all round. I don't really think it's one worth persuing after the WT. I put it down to the tough parameters, but this was a tough read.

All the best.


To View All My Scripts Please Use The Link Below

My Website

My IMDb

Revision History (1 edits)
Warren  -  July 3rd, 2019, 4:28am
Logged
Private Message Reply: 1 - 12
LC
Posted: July 2nd, 2019, 10:06pm Report to Moderator
Moderator


Do you like to eat pie after a good movie?

Location
The Great Southern Land
Posts
3786
Posts Per Day
0.94
Touches of humour. I liked the: 'I do have half the brains' line.
You put your thinking cap on too for why the handsaw and not much else was available in the trunk, so good job there.

I liked the vibe and the doofus characters - Bill & Ted types. The story itself is not going to set the world on fire, but hey, you did it!


Logged
Private Message Reply: 2 - 12
PrussianMosby
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 4:36am Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Posts
1391
Posts Per Day
0.63
DUEL IN THE DESERT

What can I say: It tried but couldn't truly deliver. No shame in this challenge. Some parts were amusing. Solid work. Criteria were met.



Logged
Private Message Reply: 3 - 12
Fais85
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:50am Report to Moderator
New-ish



Posts
73
Posts Per Day
0.33
This was funny. Meets the criteria.

Loved the TWINS. Unexpected ending. Lol.
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 4 - 12
eldave1
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 11:54am Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients



Location
Southern California
Posts
5008
Posts Per Day
2.62
This one missed for me. I appreciate the attempt at humor - but it didn't land for me.

This:


Quoted Text
The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its
426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at
Little Bighorn. And it needs every one to outrun the UFO.


Totally uneeded


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 5 - 12
hawkeye
Posted: July 3rd, 2019, 9:37pm Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Texas
Posts
916
Posts Per Day
0.37
Okay, it met the parameters. I think.  I guess the car is disabled.

This was very hit and miss for me.  The humor was okay, a little over the top in places, but most of it just fell flat.  But it had its moments and the idea of them eating the alien was really an interesting surprise.

One thing you did a lot of (actually WAY too much of) was capitalizing words that didn't need it. Like when you introduced a song -- none of that need's full on caps.  Just say:  Itís blasting Norman Greenbaumís song "Spirit in the Sky."

You also capitalize a lot of action where you don't need it.  For example:  He SHIFTS INTO TOP GEAR AND FLOORS THE PEDAL and the Charger surges forward.

Why?  You're calling our attention to it, but unnecessarily so.  A pretty good rule of thumb is to leave the all caps for sound effects or a word that really needs particular attention.  When you overuse it, the caps lose their effectiveness.

Overall, not a bad story, just overwritten for my taste.

Best of luck and congrats on finishing the Challenge!

Gary


My web site and scripts can be found here:

Gary's web site
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 6 - 12
Zack
Posted: July 4th, 2019, 10:05am Report to Moderator
OWC Moderator


Don't get it right. Get it written.

Posts
3011
Posts Per Day
0.61
Hey, Writer. Sorry to say, but this was a slog to get through. It's just so overwritten. Lots of awkward descriptions. Dialog isn't too great, either.

I'll give you points for originality. Otherwise, this one just didn't click with me.

Congrats on getting something into the final round.


MY RATING SYSTEM

  -  5/5
  -  4/5
  -  3/5
  -  2/5
  -  1/5
  -  0/5
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 7 - 12
JEStaats
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 12:46am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Tucson, AZ
Posts
861
Posts Per Day
0.73
Awesome, the Great Basin desert. No better place to get away from it all.

Hmmm...not sure an EMP would effect a 1970 Dodge Charger. Survey says?

Great characters. Dialog was hit and miss for me. Met the challenge but the story was weak
Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 8 - 12
Matthew Taylor
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 4:21am Report to Moderator
Regular



Location
Shakespeare's county
Posts
884
Posts Per Day
2.38
Hellooooo writer

"The DODGE CHARGER" - Ahhhh not "the", use "a". So simple but since it was the very first thing I read it through me off - I'll chalk it up to the limited timeframe, but that's strike 1 lol

"the UFO.".... strike 2


Quoted Text
The Charger is the epitome of the American musclecar era, its
426 Hemi pumping out twice as many horses as Custer had at
Little Bighorn. And it needs every one to outrun the UFO.


This is the epitome of over-writing... in a challenge with a time and page limit, why write more than you have to?

The mention of Fu Manchu gives me De Je Vu

why do YOU cap RANDOM WORDS throughout THIS? can you SEE how DISTRACTING this is?

Holy hell I'm still on the first page lol You seem more comfortable writing prose than screenplay style - do you write novels by any chance?

The POV is pointless - Plus, you say "POV - THE TRUNK" which to me means the camera is in the trunk looking out, but then your descriptions don't support that.

Alright, I'm done - Cutting through the overwriting and the in my face CAPITALS and there is a fun story here.

I like the twins, although at times their personalities feel forced, same as their dialogue.

The story needs polishing, the hint at the aliens still in the craft was intriguing - and possibly funny - could have been that the aliens just wanted to make contact but the numbskulls murdered one and ate him, and then we could have had the visual of the others cowering in the spacecraft.

Good effort

Matt




Logged
Private Message Reply: 9 - 12
AnthonyCawood
Posted: July 5th, 2019, 3:15pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
UK
Posts
3031
Posts Per Day
1.39
Well, I kinda liked this... had a sort of comedy Close Encounters feel to it, even down to the description of the UFO.

CARLOS
I donít think the Area 51 guys are
gonna like us eating Mr Ugly.

CHARLIE
Fuck Ďem

That me me laugh.

And it certainly went in a different way with the ending, didn't see that coming but I liked it.

Decent effort.


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
Logged Offline
Site Private Message Reply: 10 - 12
FrankM
Posted: July 6th, 2019, 11:26am Report to Moderator
Old Timer



Location
Between Chair and Keyboard
Posts
1125
Posts Per Day
1.65
Carlos and Charlie are the same name in different languages. Is that for comedic effect?
The spaceship has no external weapons other than an "ENP"? Suppose it was necessary to make the comedy work.
They're just going to EAT that? It's from another freaking planet! Probably not even FDA inspected!
Nice funny take on the parameters.


Logged Offline
Private Message Reply: 11 - 12
jayrex
Posted: July 11th, 2019, 12:34pm Report to Moderator
Old Timer


Cut to three weeks earlier

Location
London, UK
Posts
1447
Posts Per Day
0.30
I get the feeling you were high when you wrote this.  Or maybe drunk.  It wasn't a fun read.  It was whacky. Odd.  In the words of Mister Wonderful, you should take this script behind the barn and shoot it.


Logged
Site Private Message Reply: 12 - 12
 Pages: 1
Recommend Print

Locked Board Board Index    The 2019 Writers' Tournament   [ previous | next ] Switch to:
Was Portal Recent Posts Home Help Calendar Search Register Login

Forum Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post polls
You may not post attachments
HTML is on
Blah Code is on
Smilies are on


Powered by E-Blah Platinum 9.71B © 2001-2006